me

be honest and unmerciful

Posted on September 25, 2019 by robynbird

The other day when I was writing about covert incest, I sent Thing 2 a message letting her know I was writing about that subject matter. That I was keeping her personal work private but that I was discussing her and I wanted to make sure that she was OK with it.

Her response?

One of my most beloved scenes from Almost Famous is a late night phone call between William and Lester Bangs in which the latter says, “Be honest and unmerciful.”

Thing 2 is a also fan of this movie, and that particular line.
I love that about her.

Honest and unmerciful.
I feel like that’s my current state of being.
Perhaps it’s Thing 2’s state of being as she does the hard work of self?

Recently, I attacked a situation that’s given me great grief, with an honest and unmerciful look at myself. I came up with an (equally) honest and unmerciful plan on how to proceed.

Y’all might be questioning the whole ‘unmerciful’ bit.
To be perfectly honest, I don’t blame you.
Unmerciful sounds a bit…what?
Cruel? Harsh?
Sans mercy.

Here’s the thing though, when I say ‘honest and unmerciful’ I’m using it the way I feel Lester Bangs did.

I believe it’s my job to be honest about who I am and what I’m doing in my life.
I’m no longer trying to be what other people want or expect.
I’m being honest to myself, and unmerciful with both the beauty and ugliness of my truth.

I am viewing everything I was, am, and shall be through this honest and unmerciful lens.
It makes me a more real me.
It helps me bring my truth to the world without feeling guilty, or fearful, or shameful.

Not like, ‘This is me. Like it or lump it.’
More like, ‘This is me. I see me. I present myself to be seen.”

If I am honest and unmerciful with myself, I become a better human, because what I bring to the world is as true and real as possible.
Yes. That’s it.
I will be honest and unmerciful as I look at myself. At my life.
For that is the mark of a true (and uncool) friend.

Categories: me | Tags: acceptance of self, Almost Famous, be honest and unmerciful, honesty, Lester Bangs, love, self reflection, truth | 6 Comments

let’s keep it to a minimum

Posted on September 19, 2019 by robynbird

Do y’all ever feel like this?
I do. Like, every day of my life.

Nothing is currently ‘bad’. Neither am I annoyed about anything.

I just want to live a less complicated life.
And that starts with me.

So, while there is always dumbfuckery afoot in the world, I’m paying particular attention to my own personal dumbfuckery.
On occasion, I actively engage in my own dumbfuckery while considering it the dumbfuckery of the world at large.
I’m my own worst enemy.
Aren’t we all?

How much of what spins me up each day/week/month, or at random, is my own dumbfuckery letting its freak flag fly?
More than I’d like to admit.
And that’s OK too.
Because I’m more aware now than I’ve been before. Perhaps I can stop the dumbfuckery in its tracks by simply being aware.
I mean, if I can’t vanquish the dumbfuckery, I can at least keep it to a minimum, right?

I’m beginning to wonder if my new mantra should be something along these lines:
Be aware.

I wrote of getting my ducks in a row, and I think a big part of that is shifting my perspective. Paying attention to what I’m putting into the world more than what’s already in the world around me.
I can be the catalyst for change.
Dumbfuckery abounds.
But, by paying a different kind of attention, perhaps I can keep my own dumbfuckery to a minimum.
And wouldn’t that be lovely?

Categories: me | Tags: be aware, create change, dumbfuckery, pay attention, self awareness, self love | 5 Comments

so far, so good, what’s next?

Posted on September 18, 2019 by robynbird

Now, you know I’m a planner.
I like lists and calendars and color coding by subject.
So, once I recognized what I can and cannot change, I broke it down further.

I ask loads of questions.
I know that.
Y’all know that.
My family and friends know that.
But what’s different about this process is that I answered my own questions.

I asked and answered questions to come up with a plan.
I used the same system of dividing the page in my big sketch book so I could see it all together.

The first question is:
What frustrates me?

*stagnation
(no real growth, no movement, no real participation in life or household, etc.)
*lack of effort to create growth or movement
*caring about (these things)
*wondering if it will ever change

OK, now what do I do about it?

How to stop being frustrated?

*accept that these are the choices YBW and Thing G are making
*accept that nothing I do will change their choices
*focus on myself and my choices
*accept that this is the situation I’m in…until…?

So far, so good. What’s next?

I know it’s hard to read.

Ways to feel more comfortable.

*let go of wife and ‘mom’ guilt
*stop apologizing for choosing growth
*accept as much as possible
*pay attention to myself and where my power is
*be kind and courageous
*stop judging
*accept limitations (cannot change situation, only how I function in it)

Ways to regroup if I’m triggered.
(frustrated)

*immediately stop and breathe
*quickly assess if it’s something I can change (if not – do my best to accept and let it go, if so – make the appropriate change)
*accept that this is my work and I may not ever be met with the same
*remove myself gently from the situation
*tap into vast support network without engaging in ‘shit talk’

OK, so in the meantime I have a plan.
But…

How to remain sane in the long game?

*accept this is my work
*accept change may never come
*be peaceful in the knowledge I did all I could do the best way I could
*love

I don’t know how or even if the situation will change.
I do know that if I can do these things I will feel better. I will make the relationship with my husband more positive.
Maybe that’s all I can do?
While I know I have magic down deep in me, I only have power over myself.
If these changes I’m making serve only to keep me from being frustrated, angry, and resentful in an unchanging situation, at least I’m content in the knowledge I am going at this in a mindful and loving way.

Categories: me | Tags: blended families, change, change in attitude, cohabitation, comfort, empowered, equity, family dynamics, family systems, frustrated, have courage and be kind, healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, love, loving, mental health, mindful, planning, positive change, relationships, self awareness, self love, self reflection | 6 Comments

accept don’t judge, or the time of ‘if this then that’ is over

Posted on September 16, 2019 by robynbird

When I got to work on my me things, I meant business.
I used my big sketch book so I could see both what I can and cannot change at the same time.
I wrote in pen so it remains as I wrote it. It is unchangeable. (the irony is not lost on me, further proof of my commitment to this process)

What I cannot change:

*the living situation
*YBW’s point of view
*Thing G’s willingness to do or be
*why it frustrates me

This is what I’ve been on about. I want all this stuff to change. I want it to be different.
I can’t do anything about these things.

What I can change:

*how I function in the living situation
*how I choose to behave when I’m frustrated
*the way I go about discussing it
*what I pay attention to
*how I apply myself

This is where I have the power!

These are the things I can do something about. Now to figure out the how.
I think it must start with to what am I paying attention.
The trick with this is to decide what I need/should/desire to pay attention to.
I’m hopeful that by paying attention to the ‘right’ things, I’ll automatically change how I go about functioning, and behave when I’m frustrated. Perhaps not get as frustrated?

Is that how I can facilitate change?
Not that that’s the goal.
I. Cannot. Change. Any. Thing. But. Me.

I have to figure out how to shift my whole ‘it’s the principle of the thing’ point of view.
I mean, is that really getting me anywhere?

Maybe the concept of ignoring that which bothers me isn’t quite right. How can I accept it without it bothering me so much?
This is a conversation to start with my therapist.

I think I need to brainstorm a bit more.
Maybe it’s baby steps, not jumping in up to my ass.

Accept, don’t judge.

May be key.
This is the situation I’m in. What can I do or not do to be comfortable and content in it?

The time of ‘if this, then that’ is over.
I can’t change the situation. I can only change myself within it.

You might find yourself asking:
How much responsibility can one person take in a multi-person situation?
Is it equitable if one person is making changes for the betterment of the group?
What happens when one member of the group achieves their change making goals and the situation remains the same?
I’m asking the same questions.
Stay tuned for the answers…

Categories: me | Tags: blended families, cohabitation, comfort, equity, family dynamics, family systems, healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, mental health, relationship triangles, relationships, self awareness, self love, self reflection | 4 Comments

my me things

Posted on September 13, 2019 by robynbird

What am I doing with all my free time now that I’m finished my degree?

I’ve decided to get my shit as much together as humanly possible. (Is there a ‘duh’ at the end of that sentence?)
I even have the perfect notebook with which to handle this task.

All kidding aside, I intend on putting forth as much effort possible into organizing my own personal chaos.
My goal is to get/have all my ducks in a row between now and August of 2020.
That’s when I want to start my Clinical Mental Health Counseling, MEd Concentration. It’s 60 credits plus another 15 to go through licensure.
It took me two years to make this decision.
The decision involved many conversations with YBW, my girls, friends, my therapist, and my creator. (and finally finishing the degree plan I was already in)
I knew I no longer wanted to teach for a living, but wanted a way to help people. I believe I will be good at (as Thing 2 says) ‘therapizing’ people.
I am content in my decision.
I mean, I may be bordering on crazy to jump back into school with both feet, but I truly believe it’s right for me.
(100% believe, 89-93% decided, just so we’re clear)

That’s not actually my point though.
My point is getting my shit straight/ducks in a row/chaos organized.
I don’t actually feel too chaosed…but I do feel the need to be organized.

How will I spend my time now that I’m not always spending my time doing course work?
P.S. still haven’t been called in to school yet. This concerns, but does not worry me. I’ll be turning down days soon enough.
I can be productive.
I keep myself occupied. (TBR much?)
I can run the errands, etc.
I can do the things.

But how can I do me?
What am I doing for me during this gift of ‘free time’?
How am I living my intention?

I want to explore my me options.
Get all my me ducks in a row.
I saw my therapist Tuesday, we spent our time pretty much catching up since I haven’t seen her since I first came home after Baby K was born. We celebrated my achievement with my degree. We briefly discussed the new degree plan.
I intend to spend more time with her as I organize me.

It occurs to me I spend a great deal of my time and energy outwardly focused. The other side of that coin is that I spend a great deal of time and energy focusing on everything ‘out there’ from my own particular point of view.
What I’m after is to focus a bit more inwardly, but from a broader perspective. I think…?

Anybody know that song Complainer by Cold War Kids?

You say you want to change this world
Well, do you really believe in magic?
But you can only change yourself
Don’t sit around and complain about it

I’m talking about healthy boundaries and productive conversations and improving overall comfort.
I’ve become weary of sitting around and complaining about it.

I can change only one thing in this world and that’s me.
Changing me isn’t going to be easy.
But what’s that saying, nothing worth having comes easy, or whatever? Teddy Roosevelt, maybe? (will google after I finish my thought so as not to lose momentum)
So, if it’s worth having all my me ducks in a row in order to live a more mindful, grateful, and content life. Not to mention aid in my preparation for 75 new credits, I’m willing to do the hard work.

I have a brand new notebook and pen.
I have some vague ideas.
I’m going to write down stuff that makes sense.
I’m going to develop those ideas into a plan I can utilize.

Instead of looking around me at what I cannot possibly fix, I’m going to fix me.
My ducks.
My shit.
My chaos.
I’m going to concern myself with me things.
Not in a selfish way.
In a way that makes me the kind of human I want to be.
Mindful.
Grateful.
Content.
Learning.
Growing.
Living my intention.

Now that’s for working hard for what’s worth having!

Categories: me | Tags: dedication, ducks in a row, graduate program, grateful, grateful life, hard work, intention, living my intention, love, mental health, mindful, nothing worth having comes easy, organization, organized chaos, support | 2 Comments

“The sooner you learn it’s on you to make life interesting, the better off you’ll be.”

Posted on September 12, 2019 by robynbird

Where’d You Go, Bernadette?
Have you read this book by Maria Semple?

I read it.
I enjoyed it.
I loved the way the story is told using correspondence.
I love that the daughter compiled all this correspondence to understand her mother’s story.

My two favorite lines from the book are:
“People like you must create. If you don’t create, Bernadette, you will become a menace to society.”
and
“That’s right, you are bored. And I’m going to let you in on a little secret about life. You think it’s boring now? Well, it only gets more boring. The sooner you learn it’s on you to make life interesting, the better off you’ll be.”

I can relate to Bernadette.
I have shut myself off and stayed cooped up in my house and been the worse off for it.
It seems to me that we need to be aware of the fact that we know only the teeniest portion of any one else’s life. We view and judge everything from our own perspective without stopping to consider there is more to the story.

I took myself to the movies Monday afternoon to see how the film compared to the book.

Yes, there were changes. But I didn’t miss anything that was omitted, and each small change made sense as it drove the plot in a necessary and believable way.
Oftentimes, film adaptations leave me wanting, but I quite liked this one.
I left the theater with a warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart.
Have you read this book?
Did you see the movie?
Please share your thoughts.

Categories: me | Tags: books, entertainment, film adaptations, mental health, movies, Where'd You Go Bernadette | 12 Comments

it’s a sunshine day

Posted on September 11, 2019 by robynbird

I’m a big ol’ dork.
I’m actually pretty clear about it, and I’m at complete and total peace with it.
But y’all! HGTV just triggered my dork meter off the charts!

HGTV bought the house that provided all the exterior shots for the Brady Bunch and decided to recreate in the actual house, what was only ever on a sound stage.
Is it a restoration? Is it a remodel? Is it a renovation?
I absolutely do not care!
I was a bundle of nostalgia and pure joy watching the six Brady kids and some of my favorite HGTV folks get together and geek out over each other and this project!

I watched the Brady Bunch my entire childhood!
When I heard that HGTV was doing a show called A Very Brady Renovation, I will admit to amusement and curiosity. I set the DVR and went about my business.
But I watched the first episode and I couldn’t believe how much I smiled. How much I enjoyed what I saw.
How much I cared!

I was, and will continue to be completely invested in this program.
It’s the little things, you know? That’s where the joy is.
The big ol dork inside me is SQUEE x infinity over something that in the grand scheme of even my own little life is actually pretty small.
But these small things all add up, and when you collect many small things that bring you joy, you’re chock full of joy!
Joy is essential for life!

I’m gonna let my freak flag fly, and keep collecting joy in the smallest increments in the strangest ways.

I’ll be over here watching the Brady kids and HGTV folks work on that house, and start to wonder if there’s some car show that wants to build/remodel the Partridge Family bus…

In the meantime, here’s a little bit of the dorkiest joy.

Categories: me | Tags: A Very Brady Renovation, childhood, fun, HGTV, home improvement, home repairs, joy, nostalgia, The Brady Bunch | 9 Comments

what a busy day

Posted on September 9, 2019 by robynbird

I know last week I was bemoaning missing out on back to school time. But Friday morning I got so much done I remembered why not being at school every day is an OK thing.
I got up and checked the sub-system, to my (not at all) surprise, there were no open sub jobs.
I got my gear and went out to do a little gardening.

I have these gigantic white butterfly bushes in front of our house. I prune them every other year, this is the year y’all. They’re taller than the front windows, and beginning to creep over the sidewalk and edge of the driveway.
I like to prune them in the fall once all the blooms are gone, even though I know they’re probably better off being pruned in the winter.
Our trash and recycling gets picked up on Fridays, so it was the perfect opportunity to bang it out before they picked up.

I trimmed the butterfly bushes down to a manageable size.
Pulled all the weeds.
Did a little maintenance on the purple clematis that climbs the lamp post.
Cut back the peonies.
Potted three little mums to transition the front porch to Autumn.
When I came back in the house, I hand washed a vase and pitcher. (note to self, make more iced tea)
Stripped and remade the bed.
Bathed.
Started the laundry.

I have this children’s book called Feed Matisse’s Fish. It’s a touch and feel book about art, designed to expose children to 20th century art while providing a tactile experience. The book starts out, “Tick Tock it’s 8 o’clock, it’s time to feed the fish.” it goes on for each o’clock with a new painting. Each page ends “What a busy day.”
I remembered that book Friday morning. Reading it to two, three, and four year olds, hearing their little voices saying “What a busy day!”
What a busy day! And all before 10:00.

As much as I want to be in the school building with people I care about, I’ll take those busy days at home.
Friday left me feeling accomplished and content, with the majority of the day ahead of me.

Categories: me | Tags: busy day, children’s book, for the home, gardening, mental health, sense of accomplishment | 3 Comments

back to school…I’m still waiting

Posted on September 6, 2019 by robynbird

It’s the second week of school and I haven’t yet been to the building chock full of people I love.
I have sadness that I haven’t welcomed so many of my kids back to school. I haven’t met the brand new kindergartners, all wide eyed and chatty. One of the first grade teachers became a grandmother over the summer, I want to hug her to celebrate us each having granddaughters.
It was time for me to leave my position in the school. It was easy to make the transition to substitute. Only, because it’s the first couple weeks of school, everyone is in their classrooms where they belong! I’m over here waiting to be called in.
Is it wrong I kind of hope someone gets sick, or falls down, or something?
I know I’ll be busier than I’d like in the coming months, but for now, I’m missing that whole back to school vibe.

YBW asked me, “Now that your paper is finished, what will you do with all your free time?”
I’m over here like, Dude! I want to go to school!

I want to remember when I knew having this time was a good thing.
That I could set my schedule and be more productive at work and home.
I know I made the right decision.
I didn’t know how much I’d miss back to school feels.

I’m just going to embrace patience while I wait, because I know I’ll be overbooked and wanting a break before too long.
In the meantime, let’s see what I can get up to here at home…

Categories: me | Tags: adult student, back to school, being productive, life, substitute teacher, time | 3 Comments

I DID IT!!

Posted on September 5, 2019 by robynbird

I did it!

My paper passed with flying colors on Tuesday afternoon! Shortly thereafter, I submitted my final project.
I finally stopped checking to see if it passed yesterday when I received that text from my adviser!

My first term started April 2009.
My last term started April 2019.
It took me ten years to finish this degree plan.
Ten of the roughest, yet most wonderful years of my life.

I couldn’t have done it without the love and support of my family!
Thing 1 and Thing 2 were my cheerleaders. Supportive when I was down and didn’t think I’d ever finish, celebrating when I was successful. This last term, they were almost as invested in these courses as I was.
As much as I did it for myself, I did it for them.

When I shared the news with Thing 1, her pride and joy were reflected in her voice. That did my momma heart good! My girl is proud of me! I’m so grateful for that!

I didn’t get to talk with Thing 2, but she texted me:

YBW was on his way home from work when I called him.
“Hi baby!” he said.
“I DID IT!”
His pride and joy were enormous!
How did I want to celebrate?
I said, “I just want to hug you!”

To be perfectly honest, I expected to feel relieved to no longer have the albatross ’round my neck.
I was in no way prepared to experience the range and intensity of my feels!
I had no idea how aware I would feel of the years of hard work.
I didn’t realize how proud I would feel.
I was (and remain) unbelievably aware of my gratitude.

I did it!
But I didn’t do it by myself, y’all.
My precious husband has loved and supported me through this process.
His gentle encouragement. His assistance to help me through the dreaded math courses.
His kindness when I wanted to give up, but couldn’t let myself.
I could never have done this without him.
He loved and encouraged me. Cheered my successes. Asked the difficult questions when I needed to hear them.

He was the first one to use the phrase ‘college graduate’.
All the feels!

I knew I couldn’t decide on a place to celebrate with dinner, so I chose to celebrate with cocktails!