me

je ne regrette (presque) rien

Posted on January 25, 2023 by robynbird

My brother got married.
In this room.

On Friday the thirteenth.
In January.
On Mt Hood.

At Timberline Lodge.

Where they shot the exteriors for The Shining.

Perhaps that tells you something about who he is. Who the woman he married is.
It sure as hell told me.

I haven’t seen my brother since my dad died over seven years ago. We talk occasionally, mostly we text. This seems to work for us.
Our relationship is tricky, but my love for him is genuine.

Since he met, and fell in love with this woman, he seems to me more like the little boy he was. More inclined to feel and express joy, more inclined to celebrate small things, less likely to focus on how much longer he has to be miserable in this life.

I will celebrate that until the last breath leaves my body!
But I’d choose to celebrate it from here while he feels love and joy there.
That’s what’s best for me. Not going into over-functioning ‘big sister mode’ around him. And though logically I know that’s unnecessary, that childhood conditioning kicks in, then the feeling borders on compulsion.

When YBW found out they were going to wed, he was so excited! He was like, I’m buying plane tickets right now! He enjoyed meeting my brother and would like to know him better.
Thing 2 was equally excited, bursting to celebrate with that beloved uncle!
Thing 1 was excited, but not eager to get on a plane across the country. Though neither did she want to miss anything.
I was over here like, this is a bad idea.
But as I’m his only sibling, and our parents are deceased, and my husband and youngest child were so unbelievably enthusiastic, I got on a plane across the country to celebrate my brother’s joy.
I mean, my husband, both my kids (and Boyfriend M) couldn’t go if I didn’t go, I’m the link, right?

It was as awkward as I’d imagined.
All her family (she’s one of six siblings), people she works with, my niece, who literally ran from me and her cousins, and my cousin, who stood up as best man, and the five of us.
Living through that meal was excruciating. There was no joy in Mudville, y’all. We were sat separately and essentially disregarded.
In all honesty, it was almost exactly what I expected.
But here’s the most important thing, I will always have the moment of seeing my brother’s tearful face filled with love and joy.
I don’t have to regret missing out on that.
And sometimes, that’s enough.

Categories: me | Tags: celebrate, complicated relationship, families, family, family dynamics, family history, joy, love, regret, relationships, siblings | 3 Comments

be wise, and always be kind

Posted on January 23, 2023 by robynbird

In 2008 Neil Gaiman wrote

I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

I love the nouns he chose: hope – dream – make – love – like – wisdom – kindness
(though he uses the majority in their action form)
I love the adverbs he chose: dangerously – outrageously
I love his choice of the adjective wonderful

We’re four weeks into this new year and I’m holding these words close to my heart. I’m grateful for these words, they’re words I’d say to the people I love if I was as clever with words as Neil is. They’re words I’d say to myself. The self I currently am, and my little girl self.
These words are offered up to the collective you out there as well as the individual you.

I’m keen to dream and make and love this year. I’m ready to, when I can, be wise and (hopefully) always be kind.
I’m eager to encourage the same for all y’all.

I’m choosing to embrace this new year with eyes, heart, and arms wide open. I love the way that feels.

Hope is a powerful word. A powerful thought, a powerful feeling.
Encouragement to dream and create is powerful.
Wisdom and kindness are powerful.
Love is powerful.
What could be more dangerously, outrageously, wonderfully powerful than offering up hope for someone’s coming year?

Categories: me | Tags: dream, feels, grateful, gratitude, hope, kindness, love, Neil Gaiman, new beginnings, new year, thoughts, welcome home, wisdom | 3 Comments

listen with conviction

Posted on September 26, 2022 by robynbird

I saw this post on Stephen Satterfield‘s instagram. It spoke to me in a way I must have needed that day. I created a screenshot and looked at it every day since.

You can see the pic isn’t all that much to write home about, though I am a fan of sunset photos.
No, what got me was his caption.

If it’s in your head then you gotta let it out. If it’s in your chest then put it in the air. If it’s in your heart then put it in the world. Don’t be scared. Even if you are. Find your center and sit there. God don’t need to pray, just us. Listen with conviction.

I’m still mulling over these words, figuring out how to apply them to the place they piqued inside me.

If it’s in you, get it out into the world. (But also) listen with conviction.
Isn’t that why we write?
Isn’t that why we read?
Isn’t that why we converse?
Isn’t that why we have relationships with family and friends?

Don’t be scared. Even if you are.
We tell Baby K how brave she is when she does something that makes her nervous. She replies that she isn’t/wasn’t brave, she is/was scared. We explain that being brave is doing the thing even though you’re scared.
This feels similar yet different. Yes, be brave and do the things that frighten you, but also don’t be frightened about expressing your truth.
The world will kick your ass and send you running. And that can be frightening, but if you’re sitting firmly in your center, you have nothing to fear.

Did these words find me off center?
Perhaps.
They did remind me to pay attention. To myself. To the world around me.
If we’re planted firmly in our own center can we express ourselves and listen to the world around us without fear?
Perhaps.
What do y’all think?

Categories: me | Tags: bravery, fear, feeling settled, feelings, find your center, instagram, listen, listen with conviction, love, self expression, Stephen Satterfield, thought provoking | 2 Comments

searching for grace

Posted on September 21, 2022 by robynbird

One day last week a teacher at school asked me how I knew a particular person. I replied that she’s my aunt. How do you know her?
Her ex husband is besties with my cousin, that aunt’s younger son. And she’s known him since she was a teenager.
The teacher asked quietly if I’d spoken to my aunt or uncle lately.
In all honestly, I hadn’t spoken to them since my dad died in 2014.

(Here’s where a bit of backstory is important…
My dad was adopted when he was five year old.
The family who adopted him also had loads of foster kids.
This aunt is married to one of those foster kids. So even though I’m not blood kin to any of these people, that’s how I was raised. One of the foster kids is my uncle, and his wife my aunt.)

As the teacher and I stood in the hallway at school, she told me that my other cousin and his wife were found in their home, deceased victims of gunshot wounds.

I honestly didn’t know how to feel.

I remember the day he was born.
I was ten.
We were at Grandma’s and my uncle came over to share his joy. His first son had been born early that day. I remember being so excited about a baby cousin! I remember hugging my uncle. I remember joyful tears.

I keep thinking about that baby who became that little boy. Who became that teenager who became that grown man.
How could he be gone?

He’s gone because he found out his wife was seeing another man and he shot her.
Then he shot himself.

I didn’t feel equipped to process this information when I spoke to my uncle. All I could do was tell him I loved him.

I keep coming back to a seeming inability to make sense of it.
I keep thinking I wish my dad was here to talk about it with me.

My heart is hurting.
How much pain exists in one to take a life and then one’s own?
I’m actively working to understand.
I’m expressing love and support to my uncle, aunt and cousin.
I’m not at all judging, I’m simply trying to make sense of it.
I’m searching for grace and hoping my family finds peace in their grief.

Categories: me | Tags: death, family, family dynamics, family of origin, grace, grief, loss, pain, peace | 4 Comments

little joys

Posted on September 15, 2022 by robynbird

After the last couple weeks I am unbelievably content to be in my own home to sleep through the night in my own bed, and to get things the way I like them.

Oftentimes it’s the little things that bring the most joy and I’ve found big joy in the littlest things in the last week or so.

a gorgeous Georgia sunset.

unpacking the Autumn bins

Spending a day with Thing 1 and Baby K shopping at Home Goods and Target, and yummy (Baby K requested) lunch of cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and french fries at Five Guys. Thing 1 was thrilled with all the Halloween stuff at Home Goods, and in her own words, “I had no self control.” She sent Husband N a photo of her buggy and he remarked that the retail therapy was good for her.
I found more Autumn things and mused if YBW would be like, WFT? if I brought home more pumpkins. Thing 1 reminded me he was pretty clear about how many Baby Jesuses were too many Baby Jesuses, but had never applied that to pumpkins.
I actually only bought one pumpkin, I did however get new fall napkins and dish towels (which he did have something to say about) but I’m content and I suspect he accepts that.

I realized Sunday morning as I was putting away the new towels it might behoove me to roll them instead of fold them, and sure enough, I can get two and one half rolled towels in the space I got two folded towels.

I will admit to being excited about this…after all, I did say it was the little things.
Of course some of the regular towels are in the laundry, but the Autumnal plaid and mustard yellow towels will only be active September through November, and the Halloween ones only in October so I feel confident about the allotted space.
(especially since as soon as those fall towels get packed up, Christmasy ones will come out)

It’s still hot as balls here, but I’m embracing meteorological fall in every possible way!

I finally hung the lights on the roof terrace. Of course the outdoor extension cord I have isn’t long enough, but a perfect length one was delivered the following day.

Looking forward to using the fire pit as the evenings get cooler. (a gift from all our kids last Christmas)

When I sent that photo of the towel drawer in the group chat with the girls, I wrote: I discovered I can get more towels in the drawer if I roll instead of fold!!! It’s the little things
To which Thing 1 replied: Awesome! I love it
Then I wrote: Thanks! It’s lame but I got excited about it, so thanks for going with me!

I share that sentiment with y’all, it’s a bit lame, but I thank you for going with me.
It really is the little things.
Where are y’all finding joy today?

Categories: me | Tags: be aware, content, everyday life, grateful, gratitude, happiness, joy, Little Everyday Joys, look for it, love, pay attention, self care, thankful, the trick is knowing how to look for it, through the eyes of love | 4 Comments

laughing and crying as the eldest daughter

Posted on September 12, 2022 by robynbird

I saw an instagram post about this buzzfeed article 21 Tweets About Being The Oldest Daughter That Will Make Any Oldest Daughter Laugh And Then Probably Cry and had all the dang feels.

If you’re the eldest daughter, you know.
If you’re not, you probably have your own laugh then cry list for where you fall in your family’s birth order.

I sent this to Thing 1 and this was her response:

The one that got me was number 6. I watched for years as my little brother got away with bloody murder. I was held to an unrealistic standard and he pretty much got to do whatever he pleased.
The simple truth is that I’m better off as an adult in the real world than he is, so hooray for unrealistic standards…? (she asks as she laugh-cries)

This got me wondering…
Sometimes you’re not the eldest daughter but are thrust into that role because: family dynamics.
Sometimes you’re the eldest and don’t have this type of experience.
So, I’m curious about y’all.

How many eldest daughters out there? (solidarity, baby)
Did this list of tweets roundhouse kick you in your feels?
Did you laugh then cry a little?
I want to talk a about this with y’all!
Let me know what’s up.

Categories: me | Tags: birth order, eldest daughter, emotional pain, family dynamics, family systems, joy and sadness, love, personal strengths | 8 Comments

an inexperienced yet somehow expert road tripper

Posted on September 8, 2022 by robynbird

Thursday morning two weeks ago at 7:17am EDT Baby K, YBW, and I left home for Georgia.
(If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you’re wondering about 7:17. My goal was to leave by 7:00 and we ran seventeen minutes behind. In the grand scheme of life seventeen minutes off schedule isn’t too bad and I quickly let it go.)

Baby K hadn’t made that trip since July of 2020 when her family moved here. She had no memory of making that trip. She had no concept of ‘road trip’. But with a bit of explanation and creative encouragement she was ready for the undertaking.

We had the right mix of toys, books, stuffies, and snacks. We had the right kind of attitude. We had a new and improved route. We had a girl eager to see her mom and dad.

Now, I’m here to tell you Thing 1 and Thing 2 were experts at car travel. They had more miles under their butts before they were out of car seats than many adults out there. Between their auntie in Charleston and their grandparents in Florida, my girls were experienced over the road travelers.
Turns out it must be genetic because Baby K was a delightful car traveler.

We stopped often enough for her to stretch her legs and go potty, and for YBW and I to switch driving. She ate enough snacks, read enough books, napped enough, and chatted and sang enough to entertain herself and us.

You’ll notice the busyboard to her right, the snack bag to her left, a cup of water in each cupholder and an apple core in her lap where it rested while she slept.

Our journey took a little over twelve hours.
Never once did that kid complain.
Never once did that kid whine.
She was content.
She was funny and playful.
She was kind and loving.

She was a better traveler than some adults I know.

She shrieked, “Momma! Daddy! I see Momma and Daddy! Daddy! Momma! I here! We here!” when we pulled into the driveway at her Nana’s house where her parents stood on the porch.
Her joy was reflected on the faces of her mom and dad.
She was with the people she belonged with and she was joyful!

Monday the following week, Thing 1, Baby K, YBW and I began the return journey.
(Husband N came home the following weekend.)
While we were packed a little tighter than we were going down, we managed to share snacks and waters and songs and conversations. We stopped for chicken biscuits and to pee on the side of the road. (potty chair to the rescue)
Somewhere between Columbia, SC and Charlotte, NC my car’s AC stopped blowing cold air.
(WHAT THE ACTUAL FUUUUUCK?)

Y’all, never once did any of us complain.
Never once did any of us whine.
Never once did any of us lose our temper.
We made the best of a bad situation.
I’m still not sure who lead the best example, us for Baby K or her for us.
She only expressed once that she was hot.
When she expressed not liking the road noise she understood when we explained it was either noise or heat, she chose noise. I mean, we didn’t really give her a choice, but she agreed that noisy air was better than being hot.

We made it home in just less than twelve hours.
YBW adjusted the temperature of the house via app from the road so we were nice and cool the moment we got home.
Baby K was happy to sit in the chair and watch Mira, Royal Detective while we unloaded the car.
We brought Thing 1 and Baby K here to our house because it was closing in on bedtime and we could share the responsibility easier together. I took them home (in YBW’s air conditioned car) Tuesday morning.
Sundance stayed with the dogs and cats and welcomed us home when we arrived Tuesday morning. Of course Baby K wouldn’t even look at her and Thing 1 and I were so tired we barely made conversation, but somehow she knew our gratitude and left us with big hugs.
After putting Baby K in bed for her nap (I got to rock her which I haven’t done in such a long time!) I helped Thing 1 change her bed and left those girls to their own devices.

Somehow a three year old girl, inexperienced in the fine art of road tripping, turned out to manage it like a dang expert!
I can’t explain it, but I’m certainly here for it.
She did have great help from her mom and grandparents, I’m just sayin’.

Categories: me | Tags: kindness, love, patience, road trip, road trip snacks, travel, traveling with toddlers | Leave a comment

from substitute teacher to substitute parent

Posted on September 7, 2022 by robynbird

When Thing 1 and Husband N left Virginia for Georgia Sunday afternoon two weeks ago, Baby K became YBW’s and my responsibility.
It was simpler for her mom and dad to handle the business of her Nana’s death without the responsibility of her three year old self.
She was also starting preschool for the first time that Monday morning.

I was meant to be at school all but one day the first two weeks. They were desperate for coverage in the SPED classes until the new hire’s background check came back and I was ready to get back to school!
I made one phone call Saturday night and instead of going back to school Monday morning I took Baby K to her first day of school.

I went to stay at their house because it was easier than bringing Baby K and two big dogs to our house. Not to mention so much farther away from her school. YBW stayed at home because that was easier for him to get to work.

Let me tell y’all something, people in their fifties shouldn’t be solely responsible for people who are three.
That girl is an angel (also devilish) and I’m not that old, but wow! Being completely responsible for her wore me out!
Of course, she was processing Nana’s death. Her mom and dad literally took off on a moment’s notice. She wasn’t sleeping well. She was equal parts excited and nervous about starting school. And while Birdie is no slouch, that’s simply not the way things are meant to be.

All that said, first day of school went off without a hitch!

I was so sad after dropping her off.
I called her mom to report the news and we both cried.
Even though I feel so grateful for the experience, Thing 1 should have been the one to kiss her and tell her to have a great first day, not me.
Thing 1 told me that if she couldn’t do it, she wouldn’t want anyone other than me to do it.

Papa came out Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the first week of school. We took Baby K for cheeseburgers, milkshakes and french fries. Her very specific request.

She was amused that her shake had both a straw and a spoon so she put them both in her mouth and told us she was a walrus.

We had three days of school that first week.
She came home hot and sweaty, dirty and hungry, and damn tired.
She came home happy to have been at school, happy to be with me, and ready to make the journey to Georgia to see her mom and dad.

While I was meant to be at my school, and my daughter was meant to take her own daughter to school, fate had other plans for us.
We’re unbelievably fortunate that I was able to drop everything and substitute parent!
Thing 1 and Husband N were grateful we made their life a bit easier as they had to be responsible adult children by temporarily relinquishing parenting responsibilities.
I’m unbelievably fortunate my husband dropped everything and came to help Tuesday. I was so grateful to have another adult share responsibility for Baby K.

You show up for family.
It’s just what you do.
Our kids needed us and we were there for them.
I was lucky enough to experience that first day of preschool with Thing 1 all those long years ago and with Baby K last week.
It’s not the way things were meant to be.
But it’s the way things were.
We made the best of the situation and we did it with so much love.

Categories: me | Tags: back to school, death, family, first day of school, granddaughter, grandparent, grief, joy, love, substitute teacher, support | 3 Comments

Baby K weekend – August 2022

Posted on August 15, 2022 by robynbird

Last Baby K weekend of summer was chock full!

We woke up Friday morning and sent Papa off to work before we went to Target and Bards Alley.
Early Saturday morning we went to Roer’s Zoofari (formerly known as Reston Zoo). We chose this instead of the National Zoo because it’s so much more interactive for younger kids.
And let me tell you, our grandgirl interacted with all manner of wildlife that day!

We started in the butterfly garden.
Where she worked tirelessly (as tirelessly as a three year old can work) to ‘catch’ a butterfly on her stick. (the sticks were long cotton swabs dipped in red powerade)
While she didn’t actually ‘catch’ a butterfly, both Papa and Birdie were able to coax one on, then Baby K got to hold those sticks.

In the barnyard Baby K fed goats and petted a wallaby.

The largest goat stole the cup of carrots right out of her hand.

According to Baby K “the wallaby not very soft”.

We went on the safari (a tram that drives through the part of the park where the llamas, deer, bison, cows, and water buffalo hang out) so we could feed the deer and llamas. She wasn’t entirely impressed…

But she was impressed by the camel.

That girl was hell bent to get on that camel!
She was so brave!
Though not quite brave enough to go by herself.
(Thing 2 says, “Sometimes you need some Birdie backup”)

Interacting with wildlife is exhausting work, y’all.

Sunday morning I trimmed her hair.
We played with blocks.
“Let’s build a playground for the dinosaurs!”

The triceratops spent most of his time destroying the structures as quickly as we could build them. “He say BASH! BASH! BASH! Birdie”

She found the old tobacco can full of buttons.
“We are pirates! This our button treasure! Arrgh!”

My brother, cousins and I played with these buttons at our grandmother’s house when we were kids.

Time with our grandgirl is always an adventure and I’m so grateful to have this time with her.

Categories: me | Tags: B-Papa, B-Papa house, Baby K, Birdie and Baby K, family, granddaughter, grandfathers and granddaughters, grandmothers and granddaughters, grandparent, joy, love, Papa and Baby K, Reston Zoo, Roers Zoofari, sleepover | Leave a comment

directed by James Burrows

Posted on August 11, 2022 by robynbird

I just read a memoir, Directed by James Burrows.
You know his shows…
If you love (or like, or even just watched) any of them it’s an interesting read.
If you don’t it’s still an interesting read.

I remember my dad loving Taxi and Cheers.

I was seven when Taxi began and twelve when it ended. I remember being smart enough to understand how good it was, but young enough that most of it went over my head. I remember not getting Latka at all. I remember wondering why Louie was always so dang mad about stuff. I remember thinking there was something about Reverend Jim that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I remember being fascinated by Carol Kane’s voice. I remember not getting why it was funny but oh my goodness, did I love to sit with my dad and listen to him laugh.

By the time Cheers came on I was eleven so I was a teeny bit more savvy than I’d been at the start of Taxi. I remember feeling somewhat ambivalent to begin with. I remember wondering why Coach was so dumb. I remember wondering why we couldn’t see Sam play baseball instead of be in the bar. I remember liking Norm from the first episode. Carla was mean in a way I understood and could almost relate to. Diane was snooty and I didn’t like that. And I could not even with that damn mailman! Yet I continued watching. I grew up with the people in the place ‘where everybody knows your name’. That show helped shape my sense of humor through my teenage years and into my early twenties. I especially remember laughing with my dad as the jokes landed for both of us.

When Will and Grace premiered, I was a twenty-seven year old mom of two young daughters.
I didn’t watch this show with my dad.
But I did watch it religiously.
It remains one of my most favorite shows of all time.
Will, Grace, Karen, and Jack are selfish and flawed, but their love for each other is real. And because they love each other, we loved them too.
I didn’t love the three season reboot as much as I loved the original eight, but I gotta tell you I was so damn excited when it came back I could hardly contain myself!

Obviously Jimmy Burrows directed many more shows…but these are the three that are most special to me.

If you look at these shows you’ll find they all have the same underlying theme.
Your family is the people you choose.
Those people in that garage were a family.
Those people in that bar were a family.
Those people in 9C were a family.

Blood doesn’t make a family.
Acceptance makes a family.
A magical combination of compassion and selfishness makes a family.
Choice makes a family.
Love makes a family.

The ability to choose your family is one of the universe’s most precious gifts.
I encourage you to choose wisely.