Posts Tagged With: Thing 1

all that compounded smartness

I felt anxious Monday.
Literal low-level thrumming in my body.
This list is enormous!
Three weeks sounds like a long time, but it’s not.
How will I get this done?
How will I be ready for the movers?

My logical brain knew all that was straight up bullshit.
My logical brain knew I’d planned everything out to the nth degree.
My logical brain knew I was prepared.

But my feels were actively attempting to run the show.
That physical vibration was convincing as hell.

To thwart the feels, I over-functioned my ass off.
So much so that I crossed off everything for the week of July 11-17 on my moving list that very day.
But that wasn’t good enough.
I had to do stuff scheduled for the following week too.
I had to get more done.
On Monday.
Of the second week.

This is where I was when I went to bed Monday night.
Monday July 12.

What you don’t see crossed off are two things I actually started working on.
pack bathroom and linen closet
pack clothes

I was chatting with Thing 1 about how I was feeling. She was loving and encouraging. But I simply couldn’t shake the feels.
She was quite clear that I shouldn’t overwhelm myself right before the finish line.
(it’s like she knows me)
I assured her I knew it wasn’t real. That logically I was even more on target than my prep work suggested I be. But I sure as hell felt a way about it.

We talked later in the day when I finally stopped and sat down.
In this conversation I was finally able to verbalize what I was feeling anxious about. I wasn’t sure how to pack all the random things so the movers would take them. I didn’t want to waste boxes I might need for dishes on laundry room things, etc.
It was then I began to realize my panic wasn’t only about being ready on time, it was also about being properly packed so the movers could be successful.
Thing 1 was like, “Uh…Momma. You can put stuff in your car and take it over there.”
(but actually kinder than that sounds)

Her words created an instantaneous shift in me.
My body was still even though my brain was thrumming – with realization!
I didn’t have to pack up anything awkward. I could simply put it in the car.
Y’all! My girl saved the day!
I often tease her that she’s smarter than me. She doesn’t see it that way. She calls it ‘compounded smartness’. That she’s as smart as she is because I’m as smart as I am and she simply built upon it.
(something like that, I think she explains it better)
Either way, she saved the day.

The container we packed in March is being delivered Wednesday of that last week and being unloaded first thing Thursday morning.
Thing 1 offered to meet me at this house after they’re finished at the new house. We’ll each load up a vehicle and take it to the new house.
Then anything that doesn’t really go into a proper box, or anything we’ll need straight away will be there ready for us.
YBW is staying at the new house because the smart home guys will be there working their magic. So he’ll pack up his car the night before instead of coming back home with me.
Those three loads will carry all the awkward things, and the movers can do the rest.

I’m still properly planned.
I’m ahead of schedule.
I’m perfectly still inside.
Like some sort of organizational ninja, this move won’t even see me coming.

This is an excellent example of why we must talk about feeling a way. Just because our logical and emotional selves are at odds, doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution.
In my case, the solution was someone looking at it from a different perspective.
Someone who knows and loves me, and had the patience to listen even though she knew I wasn’t making any kind of sense.
Grown children know what’s up.
It’s all that compounded smartness.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

fridge thoughts

When we were at Thing 1’s on Sunday we discovered something new on her refrigerator.

That’s right, y’all. Magnetic poetry tiles. And we spent an unusually long amount of time creating (what we considered) perfect phrases.
(author’s note: “death fart!” began as “cruel death fart!” but I stole cruel to use elsewhere
also: I did not write the phrase “death fart”)


I’m not sure why this phrase has a question mark at the end. I think YBW wrote this one, I’ll ask him.
Though I must say, “obscure wonder culture” is an excellent phrase.

I began pairing words I thought sounded interesting together.

Thing 1 got in on this and we began to seek each other’s approval before we committed to the phrase. YBW came into the kitchen to join in the creativity.

I created “anxious fluff” and Thing 1 said, “Hashtag Thing 2”.
I shared this pic in our group chat and Thing 2 wrote: I now identify as “anxious fluff”.
We laughed and told her that’s what her sister said.
And while I freaking LOVE “vibrant deception” I think my absolute favorite is “luscious indifference”.

I need all possible magnet word collections to have in the new house.
Maybe if I am or have a “righteous spirit” Santa will put a fuck-ton of them in my stocking this Christmas…?

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adapting here and adapting there

Thing 1, Husband N, Baby K, and their two dogs officially began living in their new house April first. (no foolin’)
YBW took the day off work. We loaded up four vehicles with the last of their things, and off we went.

Baby K has a big girl bed with the most amazing (to her) Moana duvet cover! She’s so tiny in that full size bed, but it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.
In the few days they’ve been there, Thing 1 and Husband N are getting settled in their room, and setting up work space for Husband N who only goes into the office two days a week.
Thing 1 built a kitchen table and chairs and a small storage island too.

After being at the house, YBW and I went out Easter Sunday for a visit.
Baby K came out of her house squealing and shouting, PAPA! BEEEE! (for Birdie) and running to hug us. That did YBW’s heart good, he’s missed his little granddaughter.

That girl had such fun hunting for eggs for the first time out in her brand new yard.

Her mommy found eggs big enough to hold Bluey characters, Moana and Frozen stickers, and even toddler-safe nail polish

color: Berry Sweet

It was so beautiful outside, we just had to sit on the porch and check out her loot! She’s holding her Bluey and singing to her.

After her egg hunt, she sat snuggled in her Papa’s lap before letting him take her to bed for her nap.
They’re coming to our house Wednesday afternoon and staying for dinner. If y’all could have seen the grin on my husband’s face!

My Momma heart is chock full of joy for my girl setting up her home.
I honestly think unpacking and getting settled is harder and more stressful than actually moving all your things. They’re making it work. Husband N goes through a space and cleans it well before Thing 1 begins to unpack. They’re working together to create their home in that precious little house.
My Birdie heart is chock full of joy that my grandbaby is so excited to see me that she runs into my arms when I arrive at her new house.

I thought I would feel so sad when they moved. I don’t really.
I mean, I miss seeing them every day, but I know they’re just a forty-five minute drive away. And when I see them in their new space, creating a home that works for them, I feel pride and joy.
When I’m home and I don’t hear a little voice saying, “Papa!” as she runs down the hall, I’m not sad like I expected, I’m grateful we had that time. Of course, when I’ve got a drink on the table and she doesn’t come over and snag it and chug it down as fast as she can then run away, I’m super happy she’s at her house.

We’re adapting here.
They’re adapting there.
It is as it is.
It is as is should be.
And I am content in my grateful life.

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meant to be

How precious is this house?

This adorable house is the reason we couldn’t go to our home site Sunday morning.
This adorable house will soon be home to Thing 1, Husband N, and Baby K!

YBW, Baby K, and I met Thing 1 and Husband N there Sunday morning while the inspector was there.
In the car, Baby K sang to us the whole time. She also kept saying, “Mama” (pronounced Meh-MEH) at random intervals. We told her Mommy and Daddy were at the new house and we were on our way to see them.

That girl was so excited to be in the new house!
She didn’t even really understand that it’s going to be hers.
Of course she was excited to see her parents, but mostly she was excited to explore.
We successfully stayed out of the inspector’s way while still investigating every nook and cranny. And believe me y’all, that attic space has its share of nooks and crannies!

When we said goodbye and left the house, we drove through the neighborhood a bit. It’s just as precious as the house they’re buying.
There’s an elementary school around the corner with the best damn sledding hill you’ve ever seen!

Thing 1 loved this house the moment she saw it. She spoke of it’s character. She spoke of it’s feeling of comfort. She spoke of it’s potential.
She knew this was meant to be her home.
She knew it welcomed her with open arms.

My momma (and Birdie) heart was anxious until I saw it. Until I walked through it.
It has such charm and character.
It has a warm and gentle welcoming feel about it.
It was truly meant to be the home of my daughter and her family.

I hugged my girl and told her, “You can live here.”
She hugged me tighter.
She and I both know she can damn well live wherever she likes. She and I both know she’s an adult and makes her own decisions. She and I both know I do my best to respect her life choices.
But she and I both know that it matters a great deal that we had that moment. That we both know we’re comfortable in that house that will become her home. That as joyful as she is, she has my full support to contribute to that joy.
I’m not sure I’m explaining it right, but we understand what it means and that’s all we really need.

They’re scheduled to go to closing the end of March.
I’m so excited for them!

Categories: around the house | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

the worst truth

Thing 1 and I were in the car Wednesday morning. I’m not exactly sure how it started, but we were talking about how to manage anxiety and it turned into how Mommas always prioritize your best interests even if (or especially when) it’s hard to understand.
Thing 1 said something to the effect of: Even years fourteen through eighteen when I thought I hated you, I always knew you’d do whatever it took to help me, to take care of me and keep me safe.
Then she said, “That’s why I came to you when I was cutting myself and wanted to die.”

I had an immediate rush of relief. I always worried that when she came to me for help and ended up in the hospital for two weeks she felt like I betrayed her instead of helped her.
She told me while being in the psyc hospital was in itself traumatizing, she never equated the two. Her asking for my help was one thing. Being in the hospital was another thing entirely. They’re separate in her thinking.

I didn’t know this at the time, but three or four months prior to her coming to me, she talked with her dad. When she shared with him how she was feeling and that she was hurting herself, he “looked away from me, stood up, walked out of my room and shut the door behind him.”
He left her sitting there after she told him she wanted to die. (Everything I think and feel about this is a different topic for a different day, but let me assure you, ain’t none of it good.)

In the car that morning, she talked about how it only made it worse for her. She felt like if her own dad didn’t love her enough to help her it only reinforced all her negative feelings about herself. She began cutting herself more and actively planning how to end her own life.
Then she said something that literally took my breath away.
She wondered aloud if her father would have let her die in order to hold it over my head for the rest of our lives. She imagined him saying to me, “She killed herself because she hated you and it’s all your fault.”

I opened my mouth to deny her wondering.
I opened and closed my mouth five times before I finally said, “I want to believe he loves you more than that, that he’d rather you be alive than hold it over me forever.”
But I knew in my heart of hearts that she was right. And sadly, she knew it too.

Then she said, “Would he really want me dead to punish you? Don’t you think he loves me more than that?”
To which I replied that I do think your father loves you in the way he can love. However, his grief would fade. The pain of losing you would ease. But he could get pleasure from blaming me that you were so unhappy and hated me so much that you took your own life. All the pleasure, absolutely none of the effort.

Here’s the worst truth.
I didn’t know she talked to him before she came to me.
He never told me she came to him. Not when I told him I was taking her to the ER. Not the two weeks she was in hospital. Not when we had family sessions with the therapist when they released her from the hospital.
I only found that out because she told me in the last couple of years.

Had she taken her life I would never know that he could have done something to prevent that. I would have lived the rest of my life thinking that when we struggled the most I couldn’t keep my baby safe.

In Conscious Discipline there is a ‘safe keeper’ ritual in which the adult in the home or classroom (or wherever) tells the kids, “My job is to keep you safe.” to which the kids reply, “Our job is to help you keep us safe.”
My daughters knew I was their safe keeper.
They still know this.
But this ritual is different now.
They are their own safe keepers and I am the one helping them.

I want so desperately to reassure her that her life is worth more than her father’s desire to “win” against me. I all honestly can’t do that. As soon as she spoke I knew she was right.
She called this ‘a startling revelation’ then told me, “As soon as I said the words I wanted to suck them back in because I knew they were true.”

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this for y’all to read.
Partly because it was simply too big for me to keep inside. Partly because I thought writing it would help me understand it better.
I feel confident in saying I don’t understand it any better.

I hate that my girl experienced this time in her life.
I hate that I experienced it.
But I am awed and humbled by the healing we’ve experienced in the years since.
I am awed and humbled by the words we share.
By the love we share.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

the snowy day

Wednesday last was Baby K’s first snow day!

I bought snow clothes with the intention of giving them to her for Christmas. Fortunately, I had them in a gift bag just in case it snowed before Christmas. She pulled out the tissue and got excited about her pom hat and little pink boots. (thanks, Lidl)
Thing 1 and I got her all bundled up and went walking in a winter wonderland.

Y’all! How cute is her little bouncy walk?
This girl absolutely LOVED being out in the snow!
My Birdie heart was bursting with snow day joy!

We walked up the street and found Meredith and Beau sledding down their driveway. Beau immediately put Baby K on his sled and pulled her all around their back yard! Meredith tried to teach her how to make snow balls. We’re so lucky to have such wonderful neighbors!

Though she loved the snow, she wore out pretty quickly.
We brought her home, snuggled up with a blanket and a bottle and it wasn’t too long before she went down for her ‘long winter’s nap’.

Later in the day snow turned to rain. After the sun went down rain turned to ice.
The next morning the sunshine made all the icy trees sparkle.

It’s a marshmallow world in the winter, y’all!

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Friday feels

Today is the first day I’ve stopped and taken a big breath this week.
I needed it!
Of course, stopping and breathing gave me the opportunity to be all in my feels.

gratitude
Even though it took two full weeks, Thing 2’s covid test came back negative
I got to hug Meredith and her Mommy when their family returned from a forty-five day cross-country trip
My gloriously supportive friends who encourage me to think outside the box

than central air

joy
YBW and I put down the deposit for our house yesterday, and will sign the contract Wednesday

excitement
Road trip with YBW (we leave for GA in the morning and return with Thing 1’s family on Monday)
Baby K will be here all the time
I’m going to tutor select students this virtual school year (kind of like being an ‘at home’ substitute teacher)

It was an exceptionally great week to be me!

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a very Roby week

Y’all know about this file folding your clothes situation?
Seems it’s been around a while, but gained serious momentum with Marie Kondo. Of course I consider myself a damned fine laundry doer, but this file folding is something I’m not familiar with. And I’m always game to learn something new. Especially if it’s about my fave household chore!
A quick google search lead me to Abby Lawson’s youtube channel.
Her voice is kind of annoying. But I quickly became focused on what she was doing and stopped listening to her.


Y’all! This is so freaking simple!
It’s almost how I pack a bag, only it’s a combination of rolling and folding.
I’m over here like, Oh hold on sister, I got this!

I went to my tee shirt drawers.
Yeah, you read that right, drawer is plural. There were three of them. (mind ya business)
There were three because separating them suited my way of life more than necessarily needing that much storage.
One was plain tees. You know, a few each of black, white, and navy with a couple other colors thrown in. They’re for layering, for wearing outright, and can be worn with anything to dress up or down.
The second was printed tees. You know, words about reading, or books, about kindness. These are the tees I can wear to school on casual days.
The third was printed tess that aren’t school appropriate. You know, that Drink Naked tee from Naked Mountain Winery. The three concert tees I own. All my Nats gear (can wear to school, but only on spirit days).

So, after a super quick purge (maybe 8 tees?) I got started. I was saving so much damn space I even got shirts off hangers in the closet and folded them.


This one is all the plain tees and my Nats gear.


This one is all the printed tees.

At this point, my concern is wrinkles. If they’re a hot mess, I’ll rethink this file folding situation. If not, BOOM baby! I’ve got three drawers and some hanging tees all in two drawers.
I’m considering doing my sleeping tees and jammie pants next…we’ll see.

In other news, we’re looking at less than a month until Thing 1 and her family move to this house! I’m ready for unrestricted access to that baby girl! Of course, she’s going to exhaust me and I’ll be like, Birdie’s over it, go tell your Mama. But to be able to love her whenever either of us wants. And to watch her do all the weirdo baby things as she does them? Priceless!
I’m excited to meal plan and do food things with Thing 1. I’m super eager for her to bake for me. That girl is the queen of baking!
We talked today about her anxiety about me and her dogs. I’m honestly super chill about the concept of three dogs in this house. I mean, that may change, but instead of me having a huge temper fit when I’m at the end of my rope, we’ll discuss and problem solve anything as needed. She seemed more relaxed after we talked. Yay!

Had delicious (appropriately social distanced) lunch on the porch with Nora Wednesday. She brought Greek food. Because she rocks! Y’all I do love me some porch life!
Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and finally went to get a pedicure. I know. I know. It was frivolous, but I DGAF! I needed to do that for me. Now I have feet as soft as a baby’s bottom and adorably peachy-pink nails. My feet and I are content! (mind ya business again)
Today I’m painting a crib for Baby K to put her dollies in.
It was mine when I was a little girl, and Thing 1 and Thing 2 used it when they were little. Now it’ll belong to Baby K. I’m nearly finished with all the painting at this point. I’ll share the process in it’s own post.

I also need to go to the liquor store. That seems almost more frivolous than getting a pedi. But I took vodka with me to Thing 1’s and accidentally left it there…twice! So while we have wine and bubbly, summertime beer, and bourbon, also a bit of tequila, we have no vodka.
I’d like to make vodka lemonade with some of my porch grown basil.
We do have gin and fresh limes, so I could make gimlets. Oh! I’ve got that mint growing on the porch, I could make a south side…hmmm…maybe I’ll go to the liquor store next week?
What’s funny is I’m not even hankering a cocktail. I just want to be able to do what I want when I decide I want one.

This is YBW’s last week working from home.
His company finally moved into the office that’s right near the house we want to buy. The office space is bigger so the entire team can be in the same physical space while being appropriately distanced.
I can hear him watching Trevor Noah right now, so I don’t guess he’s working all that hard at the moment. I’m not calling him out or anything, I’m just sort of acknowledging that there’s not really much he can do at home. It also means I can go in there and see if he wants to hang out with me with probable success!
And that’s what’s up around here.
Hope all y’all are content in your week.

Categories: around the house | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

IWotB 2020 edition ~ day one

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Also the first day of International Week of the Birthday.

YBW and I planned a shoot day, but as it turns out, he was feeling a bit wonky in his belly, and my head was trying to hurt, so we decided against that. Instead we went over to the construction site where our new house will (eventually) be.
The first building has plumbing and electrical.
The second building is missing the topmost floor.
The grading is almost finished for the third building.
The fourth building is still a big ass pile of rubble.

This is the same model as ours at the end of the first building.

After about an hour going through and taking photos of the unit, we headed for home.
We sat at the table on the porch for a while before YBW decided he wanted a nap.
I got settled with a coca cola, book, and notebook. (the coke helped my head feel better)


I’m eager to dig into this book.

And then the phone rang.
Thing 2 said: Happy Mother’s Day!
We talked for nearly two hours.
I said: Thanks for letting me be your Momma.
She said: I’m so glad you’re my Momma. She paused for a moment and said: I’m so glad to be your kid.
We talked for a few moments about the difference in meaning between those two statements.
Essentially, my daughter is content to have me as her mother, as well as being content to be my child. And these are two very different things.
(this may actually become another post)
As we do every single time we speak, we said: We need to do this more often.
She giggled and told me, I’m going to talk to you Tuesday anyway!
I said: Wow! Twice in two days. That means we probably won’t talk for a few months!
We decided that might be too long.

While I was talking with Thing 2, Thing 1 called. We exchanged texts earlier in the day, but hadn’t yet spoken. I texted her I was talking with her sister and would call her asap.
We talked about how even though this is her second mother’s day, it feels so much different than last year. Baby K was still brand new, and she was excited to be with her Momma on mother’s day for the first time in many years.
But this year, mother’s day is real. She has a daughter who can walk and talk. She has a daughter who can express her joy and love. She’s having a ‘real’ mother’s day.
My eldest daughter is a mother.
It doesn’t get any less weird the more I say it.
I can tell you that it is so wonderfully cool though!

When YBW woke from his nap, we ordered delivery food and watched the last two episodes of season two of Westworld.

I had a very Roby sort of mother’s day and first day of IWotB.

Even though the world is still shut down and in chaos, and I’m not getting to celebrate the way I’d like…
I’m chock full of love.
I’m chock full of gratitude.
I’m celebrating the forty-ninth anniversary of my birth in new and creative ways.

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how we got from a duck in an Elvis wig to our top five favorite animated movies

In our group chat today, Thing 2 said her good morning by way of her bitmoji riding a mallard duck. The duck was wearing a wig…?
This devolved into us being as ridiculous as only we can.
Thing 1: Why does the duck have Elvis hair?
Me: I mean, why not?
Thing 1: ……because it’s a duck?
Thing 2: We don’t ask the duck questions, we simply ride it and share a morning greeting.
Thing 1: All hail the duck hair?

It only got more ridiculous…but I’ll spare you…
And at some point I quoted Tulio and Miguel, and we talked about how much we love that movie.
Then an idea hatched!

What are your top five favorite animated films (in order)?

Thing 1:

She literally wore out our VHS of The Lion King. She said, “I wanna watch Simba-Nala.”
Her list came quicker than I expected.

Thing 2 came up with a list but didn’t realize she had to rank them so she asked for a moment.
Thing 2:

I forgot how much she loved The Black Cauldron. I always thought it was scary.
She said: It’s funny, I know I used to love it but when I got older and finally saw Lord of the Rings I grew to appreciate it so much more.

Thing 1 saw her sister’s list and had some second thoughts.
She said: I feel like my top five is on point, but I could easily do a top 25.

I suggested a top ten, but that’ll take more thought.

(So, in case you’re still interested…if ever you actually were…)
This is my top five favorite animated films in order.

The Road to El Dorado

(the only non-Disney film on the list)
I consider this movie absolute perfection.
The characters.
The melding of the historical and mystical.
The cast.
The one liners.
The absolute sass!
At it’s root it’s a story about enduring friendship.
I quote this movie at least once a week.

Hercules

I love for this movie is legendary.
I’ve always loved myths.
I absolutely adore gospel music.
Hades is a villain I love to hate.
The unique animation style.
The songs.
I probably quote this movie every day.
My favorite line: For a true hero is not measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.
I mean, COME ON!

The Emperor’s New Groove

There are so many things I say because of this movie.
The cast is everything. From David Spade’s snark and John Goodman’s warmth, to Eartha Kitt’s operatic diva-ness and Patrick Warburton’s straight delivery. These people make this movie!
It’s a story of a spoiled king who learns what’s really important.
It’s a buddy movie. With one of Disney’s all time best villains, and her interesting sidekick.
What’s his name? Kuzco.

Brave

Y’all know I have mother issues.
This movie rang so true inside me.
Merida just wants to do what feels natural to her, to have the right to discover who she wants to become without constraints and unrelenting expectations. I feel that on the deepest level. She wants to decide her path, not have it laid out before her.
And her hair! I mean, come on!

Moana

Another film that is absolute perfection.
The story is powerful.
The characters are exceptional.
A coming of age story, but so much more.
And having Lin-Manuel Miranda do the songs didn’t hurt.
Maui knew what was up when he sang You’re Welcome, this movie is a beautiful gift!

Rounding out my top ten, we have:

Enchanted

Part animated part live action…but I’m including it.
I love the song That’s How You Know.
My favorite thing about this movie is that the girl grabs a sword and slays the dragon to rescues the prince.
How’s that for teaching Morgan serious Girl Power!?

Lilo and Stitch

A peanut butter eating fish.
A big sister doing everything possible to keep her family together.
All that Elvis!
“Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.”
What more is there?

Monsters Inc

I love the characters.
I love the story.
I love that kindness and humor are actually what makes the world go ’round.
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. So help me!

Meet the Robinsons

Sometimes the best families are chosen.
The idea that everything you need is already inside of you.
Failure is powerfully important in the learning process.
Keep moving forward.
Even when Franny is wrong, she’s always right.

Aristocats

Everybody wants to be a cat because the cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at.

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Visit the darkest crevices of my mind, dare to tread where many fear to go. You may find something interesting or you may find a mirror to your soul.

walkingtheclouds

where the clouds may lead

Meditations in Motion

Running and life: thoughts from a runner who has been around the block

Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..

Finding French Charming

Finding True Love.. Even After Forty

A Guy Called Bloke

Storytelling My Life For You In An Entertaining Fashion

Thought Box

Sweet...Bitter...Happy...Sad...All thoughts trapped in a Box...

M.A. Lossl

An author's life, books, and historical research

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

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