The End of Longing

I read about this play and got excited!
I absolutely adore Matthew Perry. Not as much from Friends, but more so as Matt Albie on Studio 60. When I read that Jennifer Morrison (she was Cameron from House and Emma on Once Upon a Time) was also a member of the cast, I was even more intrigued.
Anyway, YBW seemed game,so we’re heading to New York to catch it Saturday in the limited off broadway run.
Not to make a trip for nothing, we decided to make a weekend of it. We’re taking the train up and back and staying in the Village not far from the theater.
YBW’s all, “What else do you want to do?” And honestly, all I can focus on is seeing the play. So anything else is just ice cream! But I am feeling a desire to visit some vintage shops while I’m in the Village.
Who knows? We’re kind of flying by the seat of our pants for this trip! (and I’m not super anxious) The only absolutes are train times and play tickets. I suspect we’ll spend a great deal of time wandering with our cameras.
I’m ready for a mini-break. I think YBW is too. And this is a pretty cool one.

Check out Mattew Perry on Jimmy Kimmel talking about the “F” word in his play.

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at one with myself

Today, for the first time in a quite some time, I wrote a long stream of consciousness email to my friend Jack. In the process of that, I had a relatively quick text conversation with my friend and mentor, Jessica.
I’m sharing them here this evening because I’ve been moved by the power of my own thoughts and feelings.

I sometimes wonder if I enter this sort of ‘calm before the storm’ mindset before all hell will begin to break loose. I say that partly because after a three month term break, I’ve no choice but to start a new school term in June. I’m so over it and my heart isn’t in it anymore, but I’m no quitter. So I’m going to get it sorted as quickly as possible and finish up and be well shot of every bit of it. It’s strange to be in a degree program I’m no longer passionate about. But I’m so close to the finish line now and I absolutely refuse to trip!
And partly I sometimes think I’m not terribly successful at loads of “free time”. But, the last time I had loads of free time, I was sick and miserable and depressed and just over all pretty pathetic.

Or perhaps I really am ready to tackle all the things I’m excited about along with this six month term I’m not.
We’re about to find out.

(excerpt from email)
I’m feeling healthy for the first time in literally years. I know I’m finally ready to get crack-a-lackin on doing what’s good for me, for my life.
I still struggle with how sick I was and how much it negatively impacted my life. My sense of self. My over all well being. Even the people around me.
Feeling well, feeling healthy, well, it’s a gift really.

I think I’ve been in crisis mode the entire time I’ve lived here. First I had to adjust to leaving my friends and job I loved. Leaving my children.
Then my child “disowned” me.
My father suddenly dropped dead.
My child officially moved here but left again in six weeks.
I had surgery on my foot.
I started planning a wedding (yay but stressful)
Then I got sick.
My daughter’s wedding.
Then the huge upheaval with YBW that threatened to change everything.
And finally I’m coming out the other side of all of that.
This all happened since August 2103.
I’ve been in survival mode for nearly four straight years. AND been sick through half that time!
It’s no wonder I’m feeling as though I’m not in control of myself or my life. I’m finally able to feel like I can tackle living my own life!

Now, there were amazingly good things in this time too, but some of them were also stressful.
I’m realizing I’m not considering these as “bad” things, just things that were stressful. Things that kept me in that crisis mode. Never truly moving past that initial survival time.
I think if I hadn’t gotten sick it would have been different, but I did do. And I’m finally feeling less and less like a sick person and more and more like a real person!

So while I’m conceptually ready to consider taking on the world, I’m smart enough to know that I can’t just jump in with both feet. That I can’t attempt to tackle too much all at once. That will overwhelm me and send me into a downward spiral. So I’m seriously creating a “daily schedule” for how my summer days should go. Just as if I was still running a preschool classroom.
I’ve not yet put it to paper, it’s still in my brain. I have anxiety about putting it to paper just yet…once I write it, it will be hard to adapt and change it. I feel more comfortable planning a bit longer.
Though, quite possibly, I would benefit more from getting it down on paper and seeing it. I’m a visual learner.
To write it and see it would make it real.
If it needs to be changed I simply start again. By erasing. By chucking it in the recycle bin and writing a new schedule.
I’ll most likely need to tweak it as I go in the beginning because it may not work the way I have it planned out.

Yes. I must write this schedule out for my own review. To see what I expect of myself each day.
Here’s the thing, with the exception of course work, it’s all stuff I love and want to do!! It’s freaking summertime! I have nothing pressing that isn’t a choice I can make!
I’ll write. I’ll do lula. I’ll garden. I’ll do projects around the house. I’ll have to do school work.
But over all, these are things I love! These are the ways I long to spend my time. I oughtn’t feel pressured by scheduling them so I can maximize my time and abilities.
Yes! I think that’s it.

Wow!
I’m having this ‘conversation’ with you and I’m having a text conversation with Jessica about Thing 2. In both conversations I’m really introspective. I’m aware of where I am, yet not feeling compelled to “over function” in either situation.
(end of email excerpt)

In the case of Thing 2, I told Jessica:
I kinda wanted to update you on the Thing 2 situation. I sent this text late the following morning:
It’s important you understand that I’ve not responded because I’m not sure how I’m going to respond, and not that I’m not responding simply out of spite.
She responded later in the afternoon:
It’s no big deal if you can’t, really. Don’t worry about it

Jessica replied:
Interesting. What is your gut telling you?


Then I wrote:
I think that should worry me, but it does not.
Jessica responded with:
I urge you to stop judging your thoughts and just begin to notice and accept it. The ball is in limbo. Be patient. You will know when to go forward.

Seriously y’all! This is the kind of introspection I’ve got going on today. And it feels good. It feels really really good.
I feel at one with the universe. But even better, I feel at one with myself.

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“Honey, what’s this, what’s happening, what’s going on here?”

Honey, what’s this, what’s happening, what’s going on here?

A little #TBT today.
Well, throwback AND what’s yet to come.

There is no shame in my love of Will & Grace, and I’ve often said that Karen Walker is my spirit animal.
Will, Grace, Karen, and “Just Jack” return to NBC this fall.
And I can hardly wait!

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disinclined to acquiesce to normal life

Now that International Week of the Birthday has passed, I find myself a bit ‘Barbossa-esque’ about returning to normal life.

Yet normal life is here, and I’m kind of in the middle of it.
Between finishing up waxing the upper cabinet doors, painting the base cabinets, and planting herbs for my back porch…my dance card is rather full.
That said, YBW and I drank wine on the back porch Monday, then again last night in front of the television, catching up on shows in the DVR. Clearly, I’m not jumping back into the deep end of normal life…

YBW and I are going to NYC to see a play and hang out a few days over Memorial day weekend. The goal is the have the kitchen put completely back together by then. So, I should probably do a little bit of waxing this afternoon. (As soon as I pot those plants.)
I’m certainly not going to have the base cabinets painted by then…but twenty-one days left in the school year. (I know I’m not the only educator that knows that number.) Soon, I’ll have all the time in the world to finish the kitchen. Then begin other projects!
Two rooms are in desperate need of a fresh coat of paint and I’ve already chosen colors!

Right now, I’m going to get back to regular stuff by eating some breakfast and switching the laundry, projects will sort themselves out as we go along. And I’m acutely aware that the world truly does not revolve around me.

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adventures of being a mom

My girls make being a mom the absolute best adventure I’ve ever experienced!


With Thing 1 in Charleston, Thanksgiving 1999


Sweet kisses from Thing 2, Christmas Eve 2002

Thing 2 posted this on my fb and it literally made me laugh out loud! It’s so very Thing 2!
Even though she tagged her sister in it, I’m not sure she saw it. I’d love to read her answers too.

Mother’s Day is coming up! ADULT daughters…
How well do you know your Mom?

1. She is sitting in front of the TV, what is she watching?
Baseball if it’s in season, or something Joss Whedon created. Good runner-ups would be HGTV or food network.

2. What dressing does she eat on her salads?
…..
(chopped garlic, lemon juice and olive oil)

3. Name something she hates?
Crickets!

4. What does she like to drink?
Wine, wine, cran-apple juice, and wine.

5. Favorite music to listen to?
Lots of British alt-pop

6. What is her nickname for you?
Punkin-belly Or, classic, (a combination of both girl’s names)!!

7. What is something she collects?
School supplies.

8. What would she eat every day if she could?
Melons? If that were possible?
(I’m allergic but love watermelon.)

9. What is her favorite color?
Tiffany blue, bitch!

10. What would she never wear?
….white shoes after labor day?
(I’m a good Southern girl.)

11. What is her favorite sports team?
NATS! NATS! NATS! WOOO!

12. What is something that you don’t do that she wishes you did?
Answer my phone, visit.

13. You bake her a cake, what is it?
Probably not very delicious.

14. Favorite animal?
Alligators? Robin birds?
(Yes. Yes. and kitties)

15. What could she spend all day doing?
Certainly not making napkins. Perhaps taking photos or writing?
(I laughed, definitely not making napkins!)

16. Who is her favorite child?
Used to be me, is most definitely Thing 1 now.

17. What’s her favorite candy?
Snickers?

18. How many brothers and sisters does she have?
One brother

19. Favorite alcoholic beverage?
Wine? Mimosa? Cosmo?

20. You’re in jail and you call her, what’s her response?
$20 on the table, it’s “Jesus Christ, Magdeline.”
(This made me cackle! That $20 is hers. She’s so right! I didn’t know that’s what I’d say until I read it. Of course I’d ask if she was OK very first…but that is absolutely my “annoyed with her” phrase.)

Mother’s Day is tricky for me. I no longer have a mom…I’m not near my own children…but I loved being a daughter and I absolutely love being a mother.
I wouldn’t trade being the mom of my girls for anything in the world!
They helped me become the woman I am.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

International Week of the Birthday ~ day seven

Well, my birthday night Nats game was a rain out. Postponed to create a double header for Sunday. I wasn’t even bummed! I totally expected the rain out.
But we didn’t find out till we were already on the road. It’s cool, with some quick thinking we decided on an early dinner at an Irish pub in Fairfax. I drank my fill of Harp and ate the most delicious grouper. (Not traditionally Irish I know, but good golly it was yummy!)
Headed back home in rush hour traffic in the pouring rain, made a quick stop for ice cream before coming home to open my pressie.

New (Nats) sneakers. Jammies. A book, two movies (La La Land included!) and a CD so Alan Cumming can sing me sappy songs whenever I want.

At school, the kids in the lunch room sang to me on two separate occasions. The boys in the classroom sang to me in the morning when I dropped off the cupcakes we would share that afternoon, and when we had the cupcakes! They even made me cards! Sweet boys!

I got “happy birthdayed” all over social media. Received many a text and phone call celebrating me with love. Precious Thing 1 even sang to me!
All in all, it was a great day!

For starting out slowly, and some disappointing bumps along the way, I have to say that International Week of Robynbird’s Birthday has been a success!
Most importantly, I celebrated myself!
I felt celebrated by those around me. Got to do, and eat things I love. Was able to treat myself to pretty purple toe polish, and a brand new handbag. Had to threaten to show my driver’s license to someone that didn’t believe I turned forty six. And over all just felt super-loved. Even by people who weren’t near me.

Today is the last day of IWotB and I intend to capitalize on it! That means special dinner (I’m not sure what it’ll be just yet.) and I’m thinking…angel food cake with fresh berries. Yum!
Happy Birthday to me!

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International Week of the Birthday ~ day six

Happy Birthday to me!

Birthday Birthday Queen.

I bought myself a little pressie yesterday after my pedi.

How precious is the interior?

I love it when you find the perfect bag at the perfect price!

And look what YBW brought home to me!

Pink Gerbera daisies are one of my favorite flowers!

The game tonight will most likely be rain delayed…possibly even canceled…but that’ll be OK too! Because it’s my Birthday and I’m SO happy!

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International Week of the Birthday ~ day five

Cocktails on the porch last night before breakfast for dinner made for a rather happy Robynbird!
It’s pouring with rain this morning and chilly in the 50s. March weather in May seems weird to me.

I celebrated myself today with a pedicure!

Came home, put on my jammies, and now I’m going to make champagne cocktails with Cat Head honeysuckle vodka!

Aren’t they pretty?

Last day in the countdown…tomorrow I’ll wake up and it will be my birthday!
I suspect it seems strange for a grown ass woman to be so excited about her birthday…but I don’t care!
Let’s celebrate me!

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International Week of the Birthday ~ day four

Well, today isn’t super celebratory.
Thing 2 decided not to come this week. I am disappointed. I am sad. My feelings are hurt. But, what really strikes me is that I’m not terribly surprised. I’m not sure how I’m going to process this. Only, I do know that I can’t let it ruin Birthday Birthday week. I’m going to take time to be sad and then I’ll go back to celebrating myself.
(I may be writing a bit more optimistically than I feel.)

Oh my golly!
The UPS guy brought my first pressie!
This precious little hand carved duck from my friend and mentor Jessica!

Isn’t this the sweetest thing?
It comes from dcuk, The Duck Company in England. How precious!

I kind of love that this little boy duck is rocking the pink polka dotted wellies.

Breakfast for dinner will make this day complete. Breakfast foods are my all time favorites, and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate myself this week!

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International Week of the Birthday ~ day three

So far, it seems like the only one truly on the “celebrate the ever-loving f**k out of me” band wagon is me.
And you know what? That’s actually OK.
I mean, it’s not what I’d like, but I don’t think anyone celebrates anything or anyone with the same level of enthusiasm as I tend to. So I’ll continue to celebrate myself and love every moment of it.

I celebrated today by blasting Blondie in the car. I was rocking out, singing and dancing as I drove home. I think folks were looking at me, but I didn’t care. Know why? Cause Fab Five Freddy told me everybody’s fly.

I did a little more work in the kitchen. I’m trying to finish up waxing cabinet doors and the actual cabinet boxes so I can put it all back together. (I didn’t do anything in the kitchen all weekend. Saturday we celebrated YBW’s birthday, and Sunday I ran errands all day long.) It’s cool though, I’m really enjoying the process. It would be nice to have great chunks of uninterrupted time to get it all done at once…but I don’t so I’m doing a little bit at a time…I’ve nearly gotten used to the cabinet doors being off, I may not know what to do with myself once I put them back on.

In a little while, I’m going up the street to look after M and B while their Mommy goes to an appointment before their Daddy comes home from work. So I’ll get snuggles and giggles and loads of good love. What better way to celebrate my Birthday week?

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