Posts Tagged With: joy

je ne regrette (presque) rien

My brother got married.
In this room.

On Friday the thirteenth.
In January.
On Mt Hood.

At Timberline Lodge.

Where they shot the exteriors for The Shining.

Perhaps that tells you something about who he is. Who the woman he married is.
It sure as hell told me.

I haven’t seen my brother since my dad died over seven years ago. We talk occasionally, mostly we text. This seems to work for us.
Our relationship is tricky, but my love for him is genuine.

Since he met, and fell in love with this woman, he seems to me more like the little boy he was. More inclined to feel and express joy, more inclined to celebrate small things, less likely to focus on how much longer he has to be miserable in this life.

I will celebrate that until the last breath leaves my body!
But I’d choose to celebrate it from here while he feels love and joy there.
That’s what’s best for me. Not going into over-functioning ‘big sister mode’ around him. And though logically I know that’s unnecessary, that childhood conditioning kicks in, then the feeling borders on compulsion.

When YBW found out they were going to wed, he was so excited! He was like, I’m buying plane tickets right now! He enjoyed meeting my brother and would like to know him better.
Thing 2 was equally excited, bursting to celebrate with that beloved uncle!
Thing 1 was excited, but not eager to get on a plane across the country. Though neither did she want to miss anything.
I was over here like, this is a bad idea.
But as I’m his only sibling, and our parents are deceased, and my husband and youngest child were so unbelievably enthusiastic, I got on a plane across the country to celebrate my brother’s joy.
I mean, my husband, both my kids (and Boyfriend M) couldn’t go if I didn’t go, I’m the link, right?

It was as awkward as I’d imagined.
All her family (she’s one of six siblings), people she works with, my niece, who literally ran from me and her cousins, and my cousin, who stood up as best man, and the five of us.
Living through that meal was excruciating. There was no joy in Mudville, y’all. We were sat separately and essentially disregarded.
In all honesty, it was almost exactly what I expected.
But here’s the most important thing, I will always have the moment of seeing my brother’s tearful face filled with love and joy.
I don’t have to regret missing out on that.
And sometimes, that’s enough.

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little joys

After the last couple weeks I am unbelievably content to be in my own home to sleep through the night in my own bed, and to get things the way I like them.

Oftentimes it’s the little things that bring the most joy and I’ve found big joy in the littlest things in the last week or so.

a gorgeous Georgia sunset.


unpacking the Autumn bins

Spending a day with Thing 1 and Baby K shopping at Home Goods and Target, and yummy (Baby K requested) lunch of cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and french fries at Five Guys. Thing 1 was thrilled with all the Halloween stuff at Home Goods, and in her own words, “I had no self control.” She sent Husband N a photo of her buggy and he remarked that the retail therapy was good for her.
I found more Autumn things and mused if YBW would be like, WFT? if I brought home more pumpkins. Thing 1 reminded me he was pretty clear about how many Baby Jesuses were too many Baby Jesuses, but had never applied that to pumpkins.
I actually only bought one pumpkin, I did however get new fall napkins and dish towels (which he did have something to say about) but I’m content and I suspect he accepts that.

I realized Sunday morning as I was putting away the new towels it might behoove me to roll them instead of fold them, and sure enough, I can get two and one half rolled towels in the space I got two folded towels.

I will admit to being excited about this…after all, I did say it was the little things.
Of course some of the regular towels are in the laundry, but the Autumnal plaid and mustard yellow towels will only be active September through November, and the Halloween ones only in October so I feel confident about the allotted space.
(especially since as soon as those fall towels get packed up, Christmasy ones will come out)

It’s still hot as balls here, but I’m embracing meteorological fall in every possible way!

I finally hung the lights on the roof terrace. Of course the outdoor extension cord I have isn’t long enough, but a perfect length one was delivered the following day.

Looking forward to using the fire pit as the evenings get cooler. (a gift from all our kids last Christmas)

When I sent that photo of the towel drawer in the group chat with the girls, I wrote: I discovered I can get more towels in the drawer if I roll instead of fold!!! It’s the little things
To which Thing 1 replied: Awesome! I love it
Then I wrote: Thanks! It’s lame but I got excited about it, so thanks for going with me!

I share that sentiment with y’all, it’s a bit lame, but I thank you for going with me.
It really is the little things.
Where are y’all finding joy today?

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from substitute teacher to substitute parent

When Thing 1 and Husband N left Virginia for Georgia Sunday afternoon two weeks ago, Baby K became YBW’s and my responsibility.
It was simpler for her mom and dad to handle the business of her Nana’s death without the responsibility of her three year old self.
She was also starting preschool for the first time that Monday morning.

I was meant to be at school all but one day the first two weeks. They were desperate for coverage in the SPED classes until the new hire’s background check came back and I was ready to get back to school!
I made one phone call Saturday night and instead of going back to school Monday morning I took Baby K to her first day of school.

I went to stay at their house because it was easier than bringing Baby K and two big dogs to our house. Not to mention so much farther away from her school. YBW stayed at home because that was easier for him to get to work.

Let me tell y’all something, people in their fifties shouldn’t be solely responsible for people who are three.
That girl is an angel (also devilish) and I’m not that old, but wow! Being completely responsible for her wore me out!
Of course, she was processing Nana’s death. Her mom and dad literally took off on a moment’s notice. She wasn’t sleeping well. She was equal parts excited and nervous about starting school. And while Birdie is no slouch, that’s simply not the way things are meant to be.

All that said, first day of school went off without a hitch!

I was so sad after dropping her off.
I called her mom to report the news and we both cried.
Even though I feel so grateful for the experience, Thing 1 should have been the one to kiss her and tell her to have a great first day, not me.
Thing 1 told me that if she couldn’t do it, she wouldn’t want anyone other than me to do it.

Papa came out Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the first week of school. We took Baby K for cheeseburgers, milkshakes and french fries. Her very specific request.

She was amused that her shake had both a straw and a spoon so she put them both in her mouth and told us she was a walrus.

We had three days of school that first week.
She came home hot and sweaty, dirty and hungry, and damn tired.
She came home happy to have been at school, happy to be with me, and ready to make the journey to Georgia to see her mom and dad.

While I was meant to be at my school, and my daughter was meant to take her own daughter to school, fate had other plans for us.
We’re unbelievably fortunate that I was able to drop everything and substitute parent!
Thing 1 and Husband N were grateful we made their life a bit easier as they had to be responsible adult children by temporarily relinquishing parenting responsibilities.
I’m unbelievably fortunate my husband dropped everything and came to help Tuesday. I was so grateful to have another adult share responsibility for Baby K.

You show up for family.
It’s just what you do.
Our kids needed us and we were there for them.
I was lucky enough to experience that first day of preschool with Thing 1 all those long years ago and with Baby K last week.
It’s not the way things were meant to be.
But it’s the way things were.
We made the best of the situation and we did it with so much love.

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Baby K weekend – August 2022

Last Baby K weekend of summer was chock full!

We woke up Friday morning and sent Papa off to work before we went to Target and Bards Alley.
Early Saturday morning we went to Roer’s Zoofari (formerly known as Reston Zoo). We chose this instead of the National Zoo because it’s so much more interactive for younger kids.
And let me tell you, our grandgirl interacted with all manner of wildlife that day!


We started in the butterfly garden.
Where she worked tirelessly (as tirelessly as a three year old can work) to ‘catch’ a butterfly on her stick. (the sticks were long cotton swabs dipped in red powerade)
While she didn’t actually ‘catch’ a butterfly, both Papa and Birdie were able to coax one on, then Baby K got to hold those sticks.

In the barnyard Baby K fed goats and petted a wallaby.

The largest goat stole the cup of carrots right out of her hand.


According to Baby K “the wallaby not very soft”.

We went on the safari (a tram that drives through the part of the park where the llamas, deer, bison, cows, and water buffalo hang out) so we could feed the deer and llamas. She wasn’t entirely impressed…

But she was impressed by the camel.

That girl was hell bent to get on that camel!
She was so brave!
Though not quite brave enough to go by herself.
(Thing 2 says, “Sometimes you need some Birdie backup”)

Interacting with wildlife is exhausting work, y’all.

Sunday morning I trimmed her hair.
We played with blocks.
“Let’s build a playground for the dinosaurs!”

The triceratops spent most of his time destroying the structures as quickly as we could build them. “He say BASH! BASH! BASH! Birdie”

She found the old tobacco can full of buttons.
“We are pirates! This our button treasure! Arrgh!”

My brother, cousins and I played with these buttons at our grandmother’s house when we were kids.

Time with our grandgirl is always an adventure and I’m so grateful to have this time with her.

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Baby K is three!

Tuesday last Baby K completed her third go around the sun!
The Saturday before was a gloriously warm and sunny day and we celebrated by playing in the yard.
Baby K’s friend Liam came to play.
(in reality Thing 1 and Liam’s mom are friends and the kids are still figuring it out but they’re adorable together)

Chalk and a small bubble blowing machine in the driveway.

A dinosaur dig site set up in the sensory table.

Climbing structures and a bounce house in the side yard.
(a hand-me-down from our friends Nora and Dale who’s kids have outgrown it)

Birthday hats and mini dino piñatas.
Two (almost) three year olds.
Three grandparents (Nana was here from Georgia) and four parents.
Pizza and pressies and cupcakes.
A whole lotta love.
It was a mighty fine shindig!

On her actual birthday we got together for pressies, cheeseburgers and ice cream.
It was chilly and rainy but that didn’t stop us from being outside.
Especially because Baby K discovered something extraordinary in the ornamental grass planted around the front porch.

YBW remarked no matter how excited she was about gifts, the time we spent on the porch was her favorite part of her birthday.

There were dozens and dozens of snails.
She was so excited she could hardly stand herself!
She was quite clear about how they we going to be her pets.

I love that this little girl loves dinosaurs and dollies and books.
I love that this little girl loves nature.
I love that this little girl provides us the opportunity to see the world through her eyes.

Our grandgirl is precious and beloved.
I’m grateful she was born into our family.
I’m grateful to celebrate her birthday with her.
I’m grateful to be her Birdie.

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Baby K weekend – April 2022

The weekend with our grandgirl started with her napping in the car on the way home to our house after a morning errand running with her mom and me.
She woke as we were turning onto the road to our house.
“We almost home Birdie!”

Not long after we arrived did her Papa come home from work.
She leapt into his arms from the landing of the stairs and in that moment, all was right in both their worlds.

We walked down to the playground where there were some older girls playing.
Baby K watched keenly but never attempted to engage them. She did however take a play from their book and began swinging herself onto slides faster than she’s ever done before.
She’s becoming such a big girl, y’all!

Saturday morning after checking out the new closet (awed whispers of “Wow” and a quick spin in the middle before saying, “I love this closet!”) she decided she needed to wear a pair of her Papa’s shoes.
She’s pulling that face because she was “working so hard” to tie the shoes.

When she tired of wearing Papa’s shoes, she told me “I rock Baby Simon! Birdie, you need fix the chair. I go get him”
I moved my great grandmother’s rocking chair to a place where there’s no rug and Baby K held the little Cabbage Patch Kid I found in my basket one Easter morning a million and seven years ago. (his name is Simon because I was a big ol’ Duranie and named him after Simon LeBon)
I just recently moved “Baby Simon” out of my cedar chest into Baby K’s basket of dolls and she’s all about him.

Finally it was time to go to the thing!
Right now she’s all about dinosaurs so we took her to the Natural History Museum to see the “dinosaur bones”.
She saw dino bones, sea creatures, other animals, and a load of gems and rocks. (the girl was not terribly impressed by the Hope Diamond, but she’s not quite three yet, so we’ll give it time)
I didn’t take any photos while we were at the museum. We were all present in the moment.

A curious thing happened in the geology gems and minerals exhibit.
There was a kid expressing their feelings of being finished going through the museum. They were screaming and crying. This kid was over life, y’all. And her parents weren’t exactly ready to accept defeat.
I had Baby K on my hip so she could see the colorful gems, but she couldn’t pay attention to anything but the miserable kid.
She kept saying to me, “Birdie! The baby is crying!”
I reassured her the baby was safe with their mommy and daddy.
But the more the kid cried, the more ridged my granddaughter’s body became. She repeated herself again and again, “The baby is crying!” and then she began to shake.
That’s when I knew we needed to GTFO.
When I held her close and told her we were going to find Papa, her body melted into mine and she took a big cleansing breath.
We found her Papa, waiting patiently with the buggy.
She said, “Papa the baby is crying so much!”
He held out his arms and she snuggled right into them.

It wasn’t much longer that we bid the museum goodbye.
Literally.
“Bye dinosaur bones!” (yes, she waved)

As we crossed the mall I wondered aloud if we should take a photo of her ‘in front of’ the Washington Monument. YBW suggested we move from the path to the grass, his DC specific pet-peeve is people stopping in the middle of walkways to take photos. (all those years of commuting via train and walking to his building via the mall being interrupted by tourists got to him)
Baby K saw a small flock of pigeons and proclaimed, “I pet them!”
All I could think was, ‘will you though?’

She was disappointed.
But she wore it well.
She was already planning to go to the playground when we got home.

By the time we got home, it was raining.
She was cool with it because she discovered some battery powered votive candles.
She took them to the darkest spot she knew…our closet.
She entertained herself for about twenty minutes before asking for Papa to join her game.
Not long after, she said, “Birdie Birdie! Come quick!”
I told her I was finishing folding some laundry and then I’d be there.
That was satisfactory.

Y’all we spent damn near an hour in the closet playing with those candles!
At first she held them behind clothes and put them in shoes.
Then we realized they could roll on the floor.
Rolling turned into sliding and we had a kind of candle as hockey puck situation.
At one point she took off her socks and put a candle in one. That lead to spinning and figure eights.
We had the best fun!
She spoke for each of us when she said, “I love this game!” followed by squeals and giggles.

Sunday morning she woke and said, “We see dinosaur bones today!” This was followed by a quick explanation of how we weren’t.
We played and read books and watched part of The Emperor’s New Groove before her nap.
When she woke, her mom and dad were here and we had a late lunch.
The grown ups hung out and played a game while she flitted from parent to grandparent before finally deciding she wanted to finish her movie.
We played while she watched.
Finally it was time for them to go home.
She wasn’t ready to leave, but when reminded that her dogs and kitties were waiting at home for her, she agreed.

This Baby K weekend was slam-jammed with fun!
I cannot express my joy and gratitude that we get to have her with us as often as we do.

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The Haunting of Night Vale

Welcome to Night Vale is a podcast written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor.
To say Thing 2 is a fan is an understatement.
She’s listened religiously since the beginning in 2012.
She turned me onto Night Vale. And while I’m not as deeply invested as she is, I too love this delightful podcast about a community radio show in a spectacularly weird desert town.

When they announced the 2020 Night Vale Live tour I bought tickets as a Christmas (2019) gift for Thing 2.
We all know the whole damn world shut down in the spring of 2020. The show was postponed twice before finally canceling.

Disappointment.
Sadness.
Especially because “The Voice of Night Vale” Cecil Baldwin announced The Haunting of Night Vale would be his last live tour.

But(!!!)
Two years later we found ourselves surrounded by a theater full of strange and wonderful people who like the same weird shit we do.
Cheers!

The story was well done, but the epilogue was everything.
(here’s a teeny glimpse)
We carry our ghosts with us. They don’t haunt us, they are a part of us. We are each our own haunted house.

Y’all it was an amazing experience!
I laughed.
I cried.
I cheered.
Standing O.

left to right: Cecil Baldwin, Kate Jones, Symphony Sanders, Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor, Erin McKeown

I have such a grateful heart!

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bubbly and blocks and old photos – a visit from Thing 2

Thing 2 arrived on a morning flight Thursday last.
She let me know she landed safely and was waiting for her gate checked bag.
Then I got this message:

This is a perfect example of how I communicate with my daughters. I knew what and why she was actually asking. I answered the underlying question. It’s a silly thing, but I love that about my relationship with my grown girls.

After we brunched at First Watch we hung out at here at home drinking bubbly.

Friday Thing 1 and Baby K came over to play.
YBW came home from work just after they arrived.
Of course he and Baby K brought out the blocks.
Aunt Gaga built too!

Saturday we went out to Naked Mountain to pick up YBW’s wine and hang out in the barrel room.
Thing 1, Husband N, and Baby K met us there.
Baby K shared her snack with Aunt Gaga before falling asleep in my lap.

Thing 2 and I went through two boxes of photos from the great and arduous process. She asked questions, I told stories. We saw her grandparents and mine when they were children. We saw our own faces reflected in these photos. We sent quick snaps to Thing 1 asking if she saw Baby K’s face in certain photos of their Grandmommy.
Thing 2 told her own stories, shared her memories, and expressed her genuine joy and gratitude hold these photos in her hands. She created a pile of photos we wrapped up carefully, tucked into her journal, and packed in her suitcase.

We binge watched Our Flag Means Death holding hands and snuggling up on the sofa. Thing 2 was all about that “boy love”. I was all about the beautiful humanity of it.

We also went to see The Haunting of Night Vale. This was the reason for her visit. Tickets she received as a gift Christmas of 2019 for a show April 2020. (we all know how that turned out)
But, two years later there we were in the theater holding hands and being as SQUEE as only we can.

She flew home Monday afternoon.
I miss her.
But I’m not sad. There’s no room in my heart for sadness right now.
My heart is overflowing with love.
Overflowing with gratitude.
I’m grateful to have this time with my girls together. Grateful for this time with YBW and Thing 2. Grateful for time with my second daughter.
I’m grateful we went to see Night Vale together, something she’s absolutely adored for ten solid years. Something she introduced to me and I also now love. Aren’t we lucky we got to experience this together?
I’m grateful we went through two boxes of photos. I got to see my parents through my daughter’s eyes. She never her her great grandfather, but she knows she’s named for him. She knows he was my first true love. She sees his image and feels the strength of that connection.
I’m grateful for our silliness. Our seriousness.
I’m grateful to have a strong and healthy relationship with my adult daughters.
I love that girl more than the moon and the stars and I know how fortunate I am.

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Baby K weekend – February 2022

It’s important (for me) to note that we’re no longer “B-Papa House”. We are now “Birdie-Papa House”.
I’ll admit a teeny bit of sadness. For even when she began to call me Birdie we were still B-Papa House. Those days are no longer, and our grandgirl isn’t really a baby at all anymore.

(not) Baby K’s mom brought her over to our house Friday morning. We were planning to watch the guy install the automated (light-blocking) shades then run to Costco before Thing 1 returned home and Baby K had a nap.
Oh, the best laid plans…
Turns out some of the equipment for the shades was too long and what was meant to take about an hour took several. So we didn’t go over Costco, but we did have lunch together.

Friday evening YBW and I took Baby K to Target.
We went because I needed new markers (for the girl to use) but while we were there we decided to piddledick around and see what was interesting. I mean, it is Target after all.
Did you know if you ask very politely you will be handed all manner of toy/art supply/decor item/ to examine? (follow up question) Did you know if you ask equally politely, each item will be replaced upon the shelf before the next one comes to you in the buggy?
Did you know you can hear an Elsa doll sing ‘Show Yourself’ countless times before you’re ready to put it back on the shelf? Even after Birdie assures you Elsa needs her rest and Papa is ready to be in the Lego aisle.
Did you know that Target has foaming hand sanitizer at the check out and that is VERY exciting?
Did you know that Birdie and Papa will stop on the sidewalk outside of Target for a really really really long time while you look at/point to/have a conversation with (and about) the moon?

A Target run never disappoints.

When we woke on Saturday it was sunny and warm so we decided to go to the playground after breakfast.
Only in the time it took us to have breakfast and get dressed it got cloudy and cooler.
We weren’t dressed quite warmly enough for how windy it became, but we persevered. There were five slides to try, and a rock wall to climb, a ‘dog house’ to howl from and a car to drive.

While Baby K was driving she told us it was time to “Get in you seats. Right here.” while pointing at the steps behind where she stood. YBW and I climbed to structure and sat dutifully on the steps behind her while she drove us around.

Is it just me or does she look like a mom that’s had about enough of our backseat shenanigans?

Sunday morning we woke to snow!
We got all loaded up and buckled in the car and as I began to back out of the garage, the saddest voice you ever heard came from the back seat. “Oh, wanted to go for a walk.”
Well, what could we do but bundle her up as best we could and go for a walk?

Her walk ended with her jumping and splashing in the biggest mud puddle she could find.
All! The! Joy!
Of course then she was wet from her socks to her butt and we had to change her clothes again before getting back in the car.

She ate an entire apple and three cold sausage links in the car on the way home and miraculously stayed awake the whole time, though the last ten minutes was touch and go.

I’m always tired when she goes back home, but I’m always grateful she was here.
Our grandgirl is something else, y’all!

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sometimes a full house is even better than an empty nest

Thing 2 was here!
My Momma joy was SO BIG!
We haven’t seen each other in over a year. It feels so much longer than it sounds.
And what changes that intervening year brought us.

I don’t actually have words to describe the feeling of wrapping my arms around my second daughter.
She was so snuggly! She sat in my lap several times, and we snuggled on the sofa a great deal. I loved that precious and sacred time together.

We had serious talks, deep and wide with emotions, and silly moments of playfulness. We drank bubbly, and beer, and tons of water.
We shopped and laid low. We shared music and shows. We discussed books and gave reading recommendations.
We had a dance party to the Encanto soundtrack with Thing 1 and Baby K.
She, YBW, and I spent good quality time together too.

Being with my girls together.
Being with Baby K and her Auntie.
Having the brothers and sisters all together in one place.
My heart grew three sizes!

Baby K was all about her Aunt Gaga.
She quickly found where she fit ‘just so’ in her lap. She was even patient and still getting her hair did.

When she was here, I realized I’d been waiting for her to come so it would feel like my home. Now that all four of our kids have been here together, I know it is really and truly our home.
I know I’m not explaining that bit properly, but I do know that once she was here, I felt even more so at home here. As though she was the last piece of the puzzle and now the picture is complete.

I absolutely adore having an empty nest when it comes to day to day life, but having my baby here in this house with her siblings and her niece, well, my cup runneth over.

She left Tuesday morning, and I changed beds and did laundry. I was alone in the house, and it was quiet.
I missed her but was not sad.
There was no room in my heart for sadness, it’s still chock full of love and joy and gratitude!

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