Posts Tagged With: change

so far, so good, what’s next?

Now, you know I’m a planner.
I like lists and calendars and color coding by subject.
So, once I recognized what I can and cannot change, I broke it down further.

I ask loads of questions.
I know that.
Y’all know that.
My family and friends know that.
But what’s different about this process is that I answered my own questions.

I asked and answered questions to come up with a plan.
I used the same system of dividing the page in my big sketch book so I could see it all together.

The first question is:
What frustrates me?

*stagnation
(no real growth, no movement, no real participation in life or household, etc.)
*lack of effort to create growth or movement
*caring about (these things)
*wondering if it will ever change

OK, now what do I do about it?

How to stop being frustrated?

*accept that these are the choices YBW and Thing G are making
*accept that nothing I do will change their choices
*focus on myself and my choices
*accept that this is the situation I’m in…until…?

So far, so good. What’s next?

I know it’s hard to read.

Ways to feel more comfortable.

*let go of wife and ‘mom’ guilt
*stop apologizing for choosing growth
*accept as much as possible
*pay attention myself and where my power is
*be kind and courageous
*stop judging
*accept limitations (cannot change situation, only how I function in it)

Ways to regroup if I’m triggered.
(frustrated)

*immediately stop and breathe
*quickly assess if it’s something I can change (if not – do my best to accept and let it go, if so – make the appropriate change)
*accept that this is my work and I may not ever be met with the same
*remove myself gently from the situation
*tap into vast support network without engaging in ‘shit talk’

OK, so in the meantime I have a plan.
But…

How to remain sane in the long game?

*accept this is my work
*accept change may never come
*be peaceful in the knowledge I did all I could do the best way I could
*love

I don’t know how or even if the situation will change.
I do know that if I can do these things I will feel better. I will make the relationship with my husband more positive.
Maybe that’s all I can do?
While I know I have magic down deep in me, I only have power over myself.
If these changes I’m making serve only to keep me from being frustrated, angry, and resentful in an unchanging situation, at least I’m content in the knowledge I am going at this in a mindful and loving way.

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Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

the value of belief systems

In my fb feed “on this day” I read a post from 2009 that moved me today the way it did seven years ago.

“Saw a sign today: It isn’t hard to make decisions if you know what your values are. Shall we ponder that for a while?”

Now we all know our core values. They’re constant. They’re unchanging. But what about the values that aren’t deeply embedded in our core? The ones that are a little more pliant? They change as we change. As we grow as individuals. Things that we believed when we’re young may not be completely different as we grow up, but they…what? Adapt. Yes, adapt.
We adapt our belief systems as we move through life. We learn new and different things and this further shapes our values. In some extreme cases, it rewrites them completely.
I know that my values have changed as I have. That I can’t become who I am meant to be if my belief system remains rigid and unchanging. I have experienced people who refuse to let their values ebb and flow with new experiences and learning. These people never grow as human beings. They’re not in touch with who they are within. They’re not in touch with who they are in the world.
My mom was one such person. I believe that she could not or would not adapt because she had to keep such tight reign over herself to simply function in the world.

I have always been someone who looks at the world in black and white. I inherited that from my father. And while I am most comfortable in this mindset, I’m realizing there is so much more gray in the world. And that the grayness doesn’t actually have to be a “bad thing”.
I’m learning that as I adapt, so do my values. BUT I’m also learning that because I know and understand my belief system, I’m able to better make decisions about my life.

I strongly believe my beliefs and nothing can change that. That helps me make decisions every single day.
My values change as I learn and grow. Not the values themselves, but the way they guide me changes.
Schoolhouse Rock taught me that “Knowledge is Power!”.
The more I learn the better my belief system becomes. The better my values guide my decisions. The better chance I have to become the me I’m meant to be.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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