Posts Tagged With: thoughts

my own March madness

I’m at school more than I’m not.

How do kindergarteners know how to cuss?
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” when no one is even speaking.

Incident report because first grader beat me up.
Bite marks and bruising, but no broken skin – right forearm. Bruising from heel kicks – right shin. Redness from backhand punches – nose and left cheek.

School. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
It’s too much.
SPED class teachers and TAs are heroic.
Or crazy.
Am I a glutton for punishment?
I just wanted to help.

So tired.
Got sick.
Haven’t actually been sick in four or five years.
Worn slap out.

Sub job canceled today.
Sweet relief.
Can nurse this cold in peace.

No creative energy.
Literally just putting one foot in front of the other.
Fortunately it’s over now.

Rest.
Linger in steamy shower.
Write.
Rest.

Tomorrow brings something new.
Am hopeful.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

inspiration or toxic positivity

This picture is hanging in every single one of the faculty restrooms at my school.

I don’t know who put them up.
Was it the PTO?
Was it the admins?
Was it the school counselors?
I understand what whoever put them up was trying to do.
Trying to encourage all the adults in the building to embrace what’s good. Look on the bright side.
(my brain has literally become the end of Life of Brian with Eric Idle singing and whistling. “Cheer up you old bugger.” forgive me, I digress…)

As I was saying…
In concept I understand the good intention.
In reality this photo pisses me off.
I mean truly makes me seethe every single time I see it.
This is the most disrespectful bunch of toxic positivity crammed in the faces of women and men who are doing the absolute best under some pretty complex circumstances.

First and foremost how dare you?
Secondly, nobody wants to be a teacher unless they’re a teacher. And to be perfectly fucking honest, sometimes not even then! Such a thankless day to day existence. We are doing the best we can in an absolute crap situation. Every single one of us is here for the kids. And the fact that someone has the audacity to suggest our underappreciated-crap-pay-micromanaged-by-non-educators-government-mandated-in-such-a-way-as-to-take-the-joy-out-of-it-at-every-turn employment is somehow being dreamed about?
And don’t even get me started on the one about a smile and depression.
Fuck you, dude.

“Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity. Find something to be grateful for”
Imma say it again for good measure.
Fuck you, dude.
This toxic positivity disgusts me!

Here’s a simple definition if you’re unfamiliar with the term.

This assumption that no matter what’s going on in one’s life, ‘other people have it worse’.
If that’s not toxic I don’t know what is.
One assumes that ‘others have it worse’ because they only see one aspect of someone’s life.
One says ‘distance from negativity’ makes everything better because one assumes expression of self is comparison or complaint…?

I’m over here like, beautiful things happen every day. No matter your proximity to negativity. Or positivity for that matter.
How about: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt
(even though it’s attributed to Roosevelt, I couldn’t find supporting evidence he actually coined the term)
And being told to ‘find something to be grateful for’?
Y’all know I’m all about gratitude. Celebrating when I find it in unlikely places. Noticing it in the every day.
But to be ordered to find it?
After being told beautiful things are away from all things negative?
Once more for the cheap seats in the back.
Fuck you, dude.

I’m all for inspiration, but this doesn’t land for me. It lacks true compassion.
Am I looking at it askew?
What do y’all think?
Is this inspiring or does it encourage self gaslighting?
Is this positivity helpful or toxic?
Please oh please discuss!

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

organizing my home and brain space

This is the view from our bedroom window this morning.
Can you spot three deer out there in the snow?
I watched them for about ten minutes while they foraged.

Today is snow day number four.
And two to four inches of snow predicted in the overnight hours tonight.
Three full weeks of winter break.
I’m actually ready to get back to school.

Though I’ve been quite productive around here and feel good about it. This additional week was helpful.

I found some good decor items to add with things we already have to style the dining table. I’m being mindful about making sure I have mostly practical pieces that are useful in ways other than simply looking nice. I don’t want decor for decor’s sake. I want beautiful things I can utilize in other ways.
I may end up returning some things, I’m still trying to figure it out.
Photos to come.

I’m actively journaling.
It feels good to get my brain space better sorted. In addition to journaling my thoughts and feels, I’m also writing about writing. My hope is that will eventually translate to this blog.
We’ll see, those thoughts are still hatching…

I’m feeling positive and hopeful about all the things right now.
Inspired and encouraged.
About our home.
About my feels.
I’ll strive to do what’s best for my physical and mental health.
I’ll continue to ask questions that may or may not have answers.
I must consider some serious decisions.
But I’m going to accept what comes as it do.
And I’m going to embrace as much playful fun and joy as I possibly can.

How are all y’all feeling this first week of the new year?
What thoughts are hatching in your brain space?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

hatching thoughts

My brain currently is all over the damn place.
If you’re not ready to handle a brain dump, I encourage you to look away.
You’ve been warned…

*****

I’ve been considering words.
Specifically the word wallow.
It’s not actually onomatopoeia…but it totally sounds like what it means.
I love that!
Also twinkle.
Twinkle sounds like it’s meaning too.

*****

I felt like my 2019 planner was my worst purchase last year…then I had a thought.
Lipstick.
Lipstick, (or lip gloss) is actually the worst 2019 purchase.
All those new colors. Hidden behind masks.
I expressed this thought to Thing 1.
She disagreed. She reasoned that a 2019 planner can never be used again, but lipsticks are good for a while. They’ll be able to be used in the future.
She may have a point.
Of course she asked me just yesterday if I thought I had enough lipstick in the ditty bag in my purse, so…

*****

Waiting for election results was interesting.
We made a conscious decision not to watch news coverage.
I checked the results each morning and before I went to bed.
Saturday came and Biden is our president elect.
Now, I don’t care what side of the aisle you’re on, this vote counting process was something to behold. Every vote, cast in whatever form, was counted.
It may have gone ‘your’ way, it may not. But either way, that’s democracy at work, y’all.

I also kind of love that the Count became a meme.
Like her Auntie Thing 2, Baby K loves Count von Count, especially his laugh.
Ah! Ah! Ah!

*****

Family stories.
I think most families have weird stories, but I pretty much only know my own.
Here are some of them.

My great aunt was engaged to a man but they never married because he died.
Only he didn’t really die. He knocked up another woman and had to marry her.
My aunt told everyone he died and remained unmarried for her entire life.

Grandaddy was in the CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) in Alabama in the late 1930s. He met my grandmother, a local college student, they began dating. He contracted polio. When the university found out, they told the her she must stop dating him or leave school. With a semester to graduation, she chose to leave school and marry him. (he had no lasting effect from the polio)

My dad was adopted when he was five, before that he spent most of his childhood in foster homes. He had only a few memories of being with his birth mother.
One was vivid enough it stayed with him his entire life. They were in the kitchen and my dad was sitting in a high chair. His mother and a man (his father?) were fighting. His mother hit the man upside the head with an iron skillet. Blood spattered into my dad’s oatmeal. He never ate oatmeal the rest of his life.

*****

Remodeling construction finally ended.
The work was good, but the management and communication were shit. I won’t have this company back in my house. That’s OK, two bathrooms with brand new finishes are happily in use and we’re back to some semblance of normal around here.

*****

As much as I love Hocus Pocus, it is actually a terrible movie.
Though I am actually Winnifred Sanderson. Not that I want to consume the lives of little kids to stay young, beautiful and alive forever.

But that I’m pretty much fed up with everybody coming back in here with their bullshit while simultaneously coming back in here with my own bullshit.

*****

I’m so sick of being sick.
I’m sick of being tired.
I’m sick of being in pain.
Do not get Lyme disease, friends. It fucking SUCKS.
Four-hundred-sixty-two-thousand days left in a twenty one day cycle of antibiotics.

*****

Thing 2 and Boyfriend M arrive Thursday afternoon.
So! Excited!

*****

I’m absolutely heartbroken about the death of Alex Trebek.
May he rest in peace.

*****

Letterkenny.
It’s laugh out loud funny.
It’s head-scratching confounding.
It’s ridiculously low-brow while remarkably intelligent.
It’s brilliant and obvious at the same time.
It’s streaming on Hulu, and I encourage you to watch it!
Pitter patter.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Wednesday morning thoughts

We’re getting a break from construction for a few days.
Our bathroom is finished (and gorgeous) but the shower glass is taking longer to manufacture than expected. And while it would be convenient for the contractor to demo and start on the hall bathroom we have no place to shower if that happens.
So, they can’t demo until we have shower glass.
Which means we get a break from having people in the house. It’s easier for the dogs. It’s easier for the baby. (therefore easier for Thing 1 and Husband N) And let’s be honest, it’s easier for me too. I like to write in my bedroom and with the work going on, that’s simply not doable.
Waiting is a pain in the ass, but at least we can clean our asses, you know?

Thing 2 and Boyfriend M will be here in five weeks, everything will be finished by then, so I’m not going to worry about timing.
I’m going to enjoy less chaos in the house for a as long as I can.

YBW and I are going to the design center Friday. It’s the first meeting about the new house. Navy kitchen cabinets, here I come! We’ve been on their website ‘hearting’ what we like, and if I understand correctly, they’ve pulled everything we like and we’ll have the opportunity to lay hands on it. I’m especially curious to look at flooring. There are two different options I like, and being able to see them live will help make that decision.

I’m having a hard time with keeping track of the date.
I know what day of the week it is, but I’ve no clue as to the date. I was looking at the milk this morning, it has a sell by date of 10/4. I had to ask Thing 1 about today’s date because I realized I had no earthly idea.
I mean, I’m putting stuff in my phone calendar and writing it in my planner…you’d think I’d have some idea WTF day it is…is it just me, or is it covid life?

My TBR stack continues to grow.
Why do we purchase books at a faster rate than we read? (I say we to ease my conscience)
I’m reading a book called Rules for Being Dead.
So far, I like it.
Have any of y’all read this yet?
I just got Matt Haig’s new book and I’m excited to start it.

I miss being at school.
I haven’t been to school since February. And distance learning doesn’t really require subs so I’ll be waiting until we actually go back to school.

What makes missing school tolerable is spending time with Baby K.
That girl is something else!
I am so grateful to be an active part of her daily life.
My time teaching and learning with her is sacred. I know how lucky I am.

I’m going to wrap this up. I realize I’m just rambling at y’all and most likely, that’s not much fun to read.
I hope your Wednesday is lovely.
I’m going to go read now…

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

whatcha think?

So, a person who was in YBW’s office has covid symptoms. *symptoms – not a diagnosis*
They found out Thursday morning about 10:15 and sent everyone home. I was shocked to find him home when I returned from the grocery store at noon.
Cleaners went in to do a deep clean and no one is allowed back in the office until Tuesday.

I asked if it was one of his coworkers. The answer is no.
They think it was an HVAC specialist who was in the office after hours.

So, yeah… that’s a thing.

YBW asked if he got sick would I want him to ‘move to the basement’ and stay put there for a few weeks.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.
I may have already been exposed, so is it actually helpful?
It’ll create more work for me if he moves downstairs, and that’s not at all helpful. I also wouldn’t be able to provide the level of care he might need.
On the other hand, it may help keep me healthy. And I’m all about being healthy, yo.
In the ten years we’ve been together, neither of us has ever been a contagious kind of sick.

I’m curious what y’all think.
How would you handle covid in your household? Would you separate if you could? Would you simply assume everyone had been infected and not change anything?
Any thoughts about what we might do?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , | 10 Comments

the choices we make

The other day LA wrote a post in which she said “I want you to think about how you really feel about the situation.” The ‘situation’ being the world in which we currently live.

You know, I didn’t realize how much I actually felt about this situation because I’ve become somewhat immune to it. But upon further thought, this is what I think and how I feel about where we are right now.

I miss going to school. I miss students and faculty. I miss everything about it!
Schools here are beginning to discuss what August will look like. There is talk in our county of further distance learning.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, ‘getting back to normal’ sounds wonderful. Being in the classrooms, teaching and learning together. On the other, how safe are we going to be with a thousand kids from age 4 to 12 in tight space?

I truly believe I’m helping by remaining at home.
That doesn’t mean I like it.
Here in America, there’s a great uproar about civil liberties. It’s mostly people who want to go about and do the things. They don’t care that they could get or make others sick. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it and don’t feel like they should be told any differently.
I have real issue with this. This is toddler behavior. And I’m speaking from a brain development point of view. Also as someone who’s spent most of her adult life around toddlers.

And let me assure you, I understand the financial impact. Two of our four kids work in the service industry. Thing 2 is a server in a restaurant. She was fortunate to qualify for unemployment for a while, but now that the state in which she lives is opening back up, she had to go back to work regardless of her safety or the safety of others.
Thing G is a cashier at the Dollar Tree. And though his hours have dropped dramatically, he’s still going to work. He’s at risk, he’s putting others at risk.
I understand the economy is struggling, but people are dying. I cannot fathom how to put a dollar amount on human life.

If we don’t choose to accept that our actions impact others we’re doomed.
I mean, I’d love to go get a pedicure, or have browse Home Goods, or go out to dinner. But I’m hopeful that by staying in, I’m helping keep us all safe.
And if it turns out I’m wrong, so be it. It wasn’t that hard, and it’s not worth the shoulda coulda woulda drama.

I am aware that my choices impact everything and everyone around me. That’s enough for me to pay attention. To do what I believe is the right thing. I can see the bigger picture. I am part of one human family.
Some people don’t look at life that way. And that too is OK. We each have the right to our own choices.
It comes down to individuals making choices that impact others without thought. Without empathy.
We’re all in this together, but there are individuals who value their own desires over the greater good.
That’s your right.
But your right shouldn’t impede mine.

This pandemic has negatively impacted my country more by furthering the divide than by the death rate number.
It makes me sad.
It makes me angry.
I’m tired of the conservatives and liberals alike behaving like monkeys, throwing poo and screeching just to hear themselves.

There must be a better way.
The way it is is so deeply entrenched that to change it would take a straight up revolution.
Is that what’s best for any of us?

There must be a way to exercise our freedoms without negatively impacting the freedoms of others. Perhaps speaking and acting with kindness and empathy instead of finger pointing and name calling…?
The goal is for everyone to have the right to make their choice without fear or judgement. Without risk to self or others. The trick is each of us having the willingness to try.

I’m going to borrow LA’s words to ask what y’all think.

“Not what your friend thinks.
Not what the media tells you to think.
Not what you’re ‘supposed’ to think.
What do YOU think?”

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

thoughts *nearly* ready to hatch

It’s been fourteen days since I’ve written anything. I was so present in the moments of the last two weeks that I didn’t stop to write. It’s almost as though I couldn’t chronicle the thoughts that ran through my head. Too many too fast. And none of them solid, only the ephemeral gray before the dawn.
A visit to my therapist, serious scribbling in my journal, and the peaceful sadness of taking Thing 2 to the train station in the last few days have given me an opportunity to stop and take a big breath.

I experienced an epiphany…
I’ve got ideas bubbling up…
Thoughts nearly ready to hatch…

Only I’m not exactly ready to write about them this morning…
It does feel nice to write though…

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

speaking truths or the time to hesitate is through

After several days of struggling with my thoughts and emotions, I feel a little better today.
I had to be honest with myself before I could suss out what was going on. Journaling helped that. I had to get it all down on the page to see what was troubling me so. After being honest with myself I was able to be honest with others.
I had good conversations. Speaking truths that are hard to say out loud, especially when these truths could be hurtful to people I care about.
I feel like I’m at a place where I can proceed. Though not gone completely, my instinct to run has been quieted.
Being mindful and present in my relationships will keep them true. To love and be loved, to share and experience in this state of being more present is what’s best for me.

These are things I know. Things I preach. But I’m realizing it’s easy to become complacent. It’s easy to simply acquiesce. That needs to stop. For me. For the people I love.
I must be proactive. I must…do!

I feel much like Lucas at the beginning of Empire Records.
Lucas

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

Starting Over

Because there's never enough time to do it right the first time but there's always enough time to do it over

Stories I've Never Told...

(...and some I have)

Paper Wealth

A Simpler Way to Finance

Faith + Gratitude = Peace + Hope

When I was young my dad would always say, "Crystal, you can choose your attitude." One day I chose to believe him.

debsdespatches.wordpress.com/

Reader, Writer, Photographer, Random Scribbler

Snippets of SnapDragon

Welcome to my cauldron of creative musings.

Encouragement for you!!

Need some encouragement--read this!!

To Write or not to Write and What to Write

#shortstories #thoughts #reflections

Thinker Boy: Blog & Art

by Troy Headrick

Invisibly Me

Live A Visible Life Whatever Your Health

A Teacher's Reflections

Thirty Years of Wonder

Life and Random Thinking

An old dog CAN blog

charles french words reading and writing

An exploration of writing and reading

Young Lion

Life Is All About The View

Sawblades In Your Walkman

effervescing with muchness

History Tech

History, technology, and probably some other stuff

Tales from the mind of Kristian

Visit the darkest crevices of my mind, dare to tread where many fear to go. You may find something interesting or you may find a mirror to your soul.

Writer of Words etc

Words, mostly

walkingtheclouds

where the clouds may lead

Meditations in Motion

Running and life: thoughts from a runner who has been around the block

Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..

Finding French Charming

Finding True Love.. Even After Forty

Thought Box

Sweet...Bitter...Happy...Sad...All thoughts trapped in a Box...

M.A. Lossl

An author's life, books, and historical research

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding ourselves and the world we live in.

Water for Camels

Encouragement and Development for Social Workers and Those with a Mission of Helping Others

%d bloggers like this: