Posts Tagged With: These R The Thoughts

hatching thoughts

My brain currently is all over the damn place.
If you’re not ready to handle a brain dump, I encourage you to look away.
You’ve been warned…

*****

I’ve been considering words.
Specifically the word wallow.
It’s not actually onomatopoeia…but it totally sounds like what it means.
I love that!
Also twinkle.
Twinkle sounds like it’s meaning too.

*****

I felt like my 2019 planner was my worst purchase last year…then I had a thought.
Lipstick.
Lipstick, (or lip gloss) is actually the worst 2019 purchase.
All those new colors. Hidden behind masks.
I expressed this thought to Thing 1.
She disagreed. She reasoned that a 2019 planner can never be used again, but lipsticks are good for a while. They’ll be able to be used in the future.
She may have a point.
Of course she asked me just yesterday if I thought I had enough lipstick in the ditty bag in my purse, so…

*****

Waiting for election results was interesting.
We made a conscious decision not to watch news coverage.
I checked the results each morning and before I went to bed.
Saturday came and Biden is our president elect.
Now, I don’t care what side of the aisle you’re on, this vote counting process was something to behold. Every vote, cast in whatever form, was counted.
It may have gone ‘your’ way, it may not. But either way, that’s democracy at work, y’all.

I also kind of love that the Count became a meme.
Like her Auntie Thing 2, Baby K loves Count von Count, especially his laugh.
Ah! Ah! Ah!

*****

Family stories.
I think most families have weird stories, but I pretty much only know my own.
Here are some of them.

My great aunt was engaged to a man but they never married because he died.
Only he didn’t really die. He knocked up another woman and had to marry her.
My aunt told everyone he died and remained unmarried for her entire life.

Grandaddy was in the CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) in Alabama in the late 1930s. He met my grandmother, a local college student, they began dating. He contracted polio. When the university found out, they told the her she must stop dating him or leave school. With a semester to graduation, she chose to leave school and marry him. (he had no lasting effect from the polio)

My dad was adopted when he was five, before that he spent most of his childhood in foster homes. He had only a few memories of being with his birth mother.
One was vivid enough it stayed with him his entire life. They were in the kitchen and my dad was sitting in a high chair. His mother and a man (his father?) were fighting. His mother hit the man upside the head with an iron skillet. Blood spattered into my dad’s oatmeal. He never ate oatmeal the rest of his life.

*****

Remodeling construction finally ended.
The work was good, but the management and communication were shit. I won’t have this company back in my house. That’s OK, two bathrooms with brand new finishes are happily in use and we’re back to some semblance of normal around here.

*****

As much as I love Hocus Pocus, it is actually a terrible movie.
Though I am actually Winnifred Sanderson. Not that I want to consume the lives of little kids to stay young, beautiful and alive forever.

But that I’m pretty much fed up with everybody coming back in here with their bullshit while simultaneously coming back in here with my own bullshit.

*****

I’m so sick of being sick.
I’m sick of being tired.
I’m sick of being in pain.
Do not get Lyme disease, friends. It fucking SUCKS.
Four-hundred-sixty-two-thousand days left in a twenty one day cycle of antibiotics.

*****

Thing 2 and Boyfriend M arrive Thursday afternoon.
So! Excited!

*****

I’m absolutely heartbroken about the death of Alex Trebek.
May he rest in peace.

*****

Letterkenny.
It’s laugh out loud funny.
It’s head-scratching confounding.
It’s ridiculously low-brow while remarkably intelligent.
It’s brilliant and obvious at the same time.
It’s streaming on Hulu, and I encourage you to watch it!
Pitter patter.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

becoming

I woke up before 6:00 this morning.
My brain pinballing all over the place.

I’m reminded of that Alanis song, These R The Thoughts.

Anyway, here’s what I’m considering this morning.

I have this belief that we all carry baggage, we have no choice.
But the idea is to have a simple carry-on bag, not steamer trunks full. We are all products of our experiences, good, bad, indifferent.
They shape us.
But we have the ability to decide how!
We can choose to learn from these things. We can make small shifts in thinking. We can rewrite our inner speech.
We can learn how to use our experiences to our advantage.

To become!

Not necessarily ‘better’ people, but just become the human we were meant to be before we were inadvertently influenced by others and events, etc.

I long to become.

The easiest way to do that is leave the large luggage behind, pack only what’s absolutely necessary and get on with it.
No matter where I am, I am there.
I gotta be straight with me before I can expect to be straight with the world.

That’s work most people avoid.
And here’s the biggest shame of that, it doesn’t have to be that difficult!
The work can be hard, but once you begin, you’re already further along than you realize. Sure, you’ll slip up. Sure, you’ll feel overwhelmed.
But by simply making the decision to start, you’re already ass deep in the work. In a good way!

It took me so long to learn how to feel safe.
To understand that I could exist in an environment not fraught with fear and anxiety. To realize that’s not how we’re meant to live. I’m no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Well, not the way I used to do.

The me I was before was a wreck. On so many unnecessary meds. Drugs to sleep, narcotics for pain, mood altering meds to simply function.
I realize now that all I needed to do was live differently. To escape that situation.
I did!

Now, my life isn’t perfect. And sure, issues.
But I’m not fearful.
My central nervous system isn’t always so over-stimulated.
I can breathe and sleep and function.
I am learning to feel safe in life. In love. In all things.

Inner speech is such a rat bastard!
But, I’m over here like, I don’t blame my mother for the way I hear her words in my head, the things I say to myself.
I can’t! I won’t!
She didn’t know any better.
Or perhaps she did. Perhaps she was cruel for her own entertainment.
Only, that can’t matter to me.
She was flawed.
But I am me.
And I decide what I say to myself! I decide that I am enough. I decide that I am loved. I decide that I will treat myself with kindness. I decide that I am safe.

I was driving the other day and nothing unsafe happened, but I may not have been paying attention and stopped at a green light or something simple like that. I don’t remember the act, only what happened after.
I remarked, Wow you’re stupid. or similar.
YBW grabbed my hand and was like, it’s OK to make a mistake.
I was hit with the full force of his kindness.
I realized that even though I work to shift my inner speech from “you are not, and will never be good enough” to literally anything else, it will always be in there.
I can’t erase it. I can only build upon it.

It’s OK to make a mistake vs You’re stupid for making a mistake.
A world of difference!

You know what Ms Frizzle said:

How I talk myself is influenced by what I was taught about myself by my mother. Her actions and words assured me I was never quite up to snuff.
I know I’m more than those thoughts.
I know how hard it is to learn to shift that process. I know how hard it is to find different words. But that work is everything!
Can’t learn anything new unless I’m willing to make mistakes.

I’ve been hearing lately about how I’m living my best life.
For the most part, I am.
Sure, there’s stuff to work out. My stuff, YBW’s stuff.
Our stuff. But our stuff is really just my stuff and his stuff kind of bumping into each other.
And I’m working on my stuff…and he’s trying to work on his too.
While there are things that are not ideal, we are aware and we are addressing them.

But I also know this isn’t exactly my best life.
But that’s because I’m still saying things like, “I want to (insert thing).” but not actually doing it. I’m procrastinating finishing my degree. I’m not reading. I’m hardly writing.
But, those are choices I’m making.

I can choose to live my best life to the fullest.
When people say they see me living my best life, they see what’s out there, they don’t see what I’m like inside.
However confident and put together I appear, I’m also a girl who doubts her every move. A girl who fears she’ll never feel ‘good enough’.
But I’m working on that. I’m working towards living my best life inside and out.

I am not a self fulfilling prophecy.
I will amount to more than I was lead to believe! I can, and will do what I set myself to. I can and will be content in my own skin, and in my life!
I am working each day to get to that place inside me.
So maybe I am living my best life after all.

And that’s the key.
Actively living!

It’s cool to want sunshine and lollipops, but you gotta make that happen.
So by doing this work, by actively living mylife, I’m actually in my best life!

Ta Da!
Who knew?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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