Posts Tagged With: normal

surprise jammie day

Saturday was a pretty chill day around here.
YBW and I fitted a bottom for Baby K’s dollie bed. Seriously, that was the only work I did.
Actually that’s not true. I cleaned the kitchen.

We each spent time on our computers.
I went through my natal chart.
We watched a movie. I think we watched two movies.

I realized something as we lie on the couch in front of the TV.
It was the first time I spent the entire day in pajamas since March.

I’ve been relentless in keeping a routine. Getting dressed every single day. Week days. Weekends. I’m up and dressed and going about my day.
That was how I kept myself sane.

Here’s what’s interesting about having a jammie day.
I think it means I’m beginning to feel ‘normal’. (we can debate actual definitions at a later point)
About once a month, I’ll have a weekend day in which I choose to be still. I remain in my pajamas all day and do or do not do whatever pleases me. Oftentimes those days are days spent in front of the TV with YBW. We’ll watch things off the DVR or watch movies or binge a show. It’s normally a good day. And even if I feel like a slug at the end of it, I know the next day I’ll be up and doing the things.
Sometimes I just need to disconnect from routine. Sometimes I just need to be still.

I haven’t given myself that kind of day since March. I clung desperately to a routine that helped me feel ‘normal’. In doing so did I not provide that much needed chill day?
I don’t know.

It wasn’t premeditated. It just happened.
Clearly I needed a jammie day and didn’t even know it.

These thoughts don’t feel fully hatched, but I’m learning that doesn’t always matter.
I needed to get them out.
I needed to say (out loud to y’all) that I had a pajama day for the first time since March.

Makes me wonder if you find yourselves realizing you’re doing or not doing things you normally do or do not in effort to feel normal.
Please let me know.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

routine > normal

I grow weary of trying to feel normal.
The way we’re currently living is not remotely normal, so why in the holy hell are we pretending it is?
I mean, I get it. If we behave somewhat normally, it won’t feel as strange.
But it’s not normal, so why are we trying to make it feel normal?
Perhaps it’s time to accept that the normal we knew is gone and will never return.

I’ve worked so hard to keep some semblance of normal while being stuck at home.
Bathing and getting dressed. Doing the work things before the lounge-y things. I’m not wearing mascara. I’m not wearing my wedding rings. I am wearing jeans some days. I’m wearing yoga pants and leggings other days. I am never wearing jammies unless it’s the evening or I’m in my bed.
I’m sick of forcing normal.

Yesterday I didn’t bathe, but I did get dressed. I didn’t do anything remotely productive. I didn’t tidy. I didn’t sort photos. I didn’t write.
Want to know what I did all freaking day yesterday?
I was on pinterest.
All. Damn. Day.
I have no guilt.
I’m tired of attempting to feel normal.

I made an active choice to just check out.
I saw and pinned the most random stuff. From Harry Potter (Weasley is our King!) to organization. From cocktail recipes to all things Avengers. From houseplans and music to girl power and Good Omens. (I do not ship Crowley and Aziraphale as a couple, I love their friendship.)
I didn’t make dinner. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to. I just sat in front of my computer.

Today I feel different than I did the last few days.
I’ve been so frustrated and antsy.
But today I feel kind of refreshed.
Was looking and pinning all day was engaging yet mindless enough to make a difference?
Did I simply need a reset?

I’m tired of coping.
I’d like to be living.
Complaint is not my intention. I’m simply expressing my thoughts and feels.
I feel weary.
I know there’s not a way out for the foreseeable future.
I’m prepared to accept the situation.
I think I’m past the point of trying to keep it normal.
At this point normal is simply a word like egg or tree. I’ve lost the meaning.
Maybe that’s better for me? Maybe I need a new sense of normal?
TBPH, we all probably do.
It isn’t the way it was.
It’s not going to be the way it was.
This is it.
This is how we live now.
We need to discover how to make a new normal. One that keeps us safe and sane.
And on the day when the world opens back up, that’ll be an entirely new level of normal.

In the meantime, I’ve come to realize routine is one thing, normal is quite another.
So I’ll be sticking to my routine.
But I’m going to let go of normal for a while.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , | 16 Comments

soulmates

Thing 2 and I were trading Arrested Development quips back and forth via text. In response to what I’d just sent her she wrote: I do that ALL the time and nobody gets it :/
I wrote: You and I need to run away together and never look back.
Thing 2: Awh, Momma! ❤
Me: It might be crazy, but sometimes I think you’re the only person that really understands me.
Thing 2: Aww..Momma ❤ I love you
(then stuff that was precious but isn’t exactly relevant)
Thing 2: I wish I could be your mom more.

I find it ridiculously comforting that my child wants to be my mother. She is a great nurturer. She will be a mom who finds joy in her kids. She will be a foul-mouthed mom that reminds her kids “don’t say that word outside of this house or car”.
I remember being loved by my mother, but not really nurtured by her. Thing 2 is a much better nurturer than Mommie was. I would love for her to be my mom. Can we really be each other’s mom?

I honestly wonder if Thing 2 is my soulmate.

I’ve always maintained that Sundance is my soulmate. We have always said we are two halves of one. I don’t believe that has changed.
But I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t somehow create my own soulmate. Literally give birth to her. I suspect Sundance and Girlie Thing might be soulmates too. And though Sundance and I are still two halves of one, perhaps we created the souls we are meant to attach ourselves to.

I don’t know. I may be completely off base. Is it strange to think you create your soulmate? It doesn’t’ seem strange to me. It seems perfectly natural.
Though I might not be the best barometer for what is or is not strange.

I believe people are in our lives for a specific reason. We may never know what that reason actually is. I believe we build relationships to help us find what our soul may be lacking. Sometimes it’s simple things that can be gathered easily and the relationship goes as quickly as it began. Sometimes it takes much longer to share souls.

A long time ago, I read an interesting concept of soulmates. It went something like this: Your soulmate isn’t that person who completes you, that you’re meant to be with above all others. Your soulmate is that one who jumpstarts you and shakes you to your core so that you can open up and receive more. You’re not meant to be with that person forever because it would be exhausting.
(I can’t for the life of me remember where I read this.)

I’m not sure I agree with this concept of soulmate. It sounds more like a way to feel better about failed relationships.
I don’t think soulmates have to be your significant other.

I love YBW differently than I’ve ever loved any man in my life. I accept his love differently than any other man in my life. But I don’t believe he is my soulmate. I believe we came together when we were supposed to. I believe that he is the man with whom I am supposed to be.
Believing (and saying) he isn’t my soulmate does not in any way diminish our relationship. Actually, I feel that not believing it makes our relationship even better. We are making a choice to be together.
I digress…

Soulmate. Is there just one? Can Sundance and I be two halves of one and Thing 2 be my soulmate? Do we create our own soulmate? Is it just that Thing 2 and I so alike? Is simply our closeness?
That girl is a part of me. Maybe that’s not a soulmate. Maybe that is simply our bond.

That said, I don’t feel the same way about Thing 1. I love her. She is the human personification of every hope and dream I ever had. But I don’t feel that natural closeness. Even when she was a little girl, we loved, but we were not “on the same page”.
Sundance is the same way with Boy Thing. She loves him. But they’re not connected the way she and Girlie Thing are. It’s easy to say it’s because he’s a boy. But I don’t think that’s why.

Aristophanes tells of humans as having four legs and arms and two heads. He tells that Zeus was concerned that because of their strength, they might rise up against the Gods. So he cuts them in half to weaken them. What he doesn’t count on is their instinctive desire to reunite with the half that was taken from them.
Is that just our lot in human life?
I find it curious. Mostly I find it sad. Doomed to wander, forever searching for your missing half? No wonder we sometimes make crap relationship choices.

I feel like souls are somehow drawn to each other. Not out of desperation, but out of desire to share and experience. I believe souls teach and learn together.
I believe souls connect because they were meant to.

Whether or not my second born is my soulmate doesn’t really matter. What matters is that our souls know each other. That they live and learn and love together.
We are blessed to share and experience without the confines of labels.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Is it weird to be sad about not getting what I didn’t really want?

Is it weird to be sad about not getting something I didn’t really want in the first place?

I received a voicemail from the woman I interviewed with Monday before the wedding. She regretfully informed me that though I was more than qualified, they went with someone who could start sooner than I could.
It turns out that they wanted someone to start before I even left the country for my honeymoon.
WFT?

I was completely upfront about my availability when she called to schedule the meeting. If they knew they needed someone to start when I couldn’t, why did they waste their time? Why did they waste my time? Why did my kid sit in a cold car for an hour instead of being warm and shopping with her mom?

I had actually gotten to the place where I didn’t think I was going to take the job, but that’s not the point. I wouldn’t even have had to consider it if they had been upfront with their needs.
I’m not sure why I’m irritated. I’m not sure why I’m a bit hurt. But I do know that my gut was right. This was not the position for me.
And a complete waste of my time!

So I continue to be a hausfrau for a while. I’ve cleaned like a mad woman today and it feels so good! Every bit of the laundry is clean and mostly put away. I’m finally getting the house back to normal after the chaos of all the kids here and leaving it a hot hot mess to go to Barbados. I’m getting back to normal in my sleep patterns and my writing. I (mostly) know who I am and what I want.
I’m going to the neurologist Thursday to have my brain checked.
I’m listening to Edith Piaf and drinking gatorade while I take a break to write this.
It’s a good day to be me.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

normal = positive…who knew?

Taurus horoscope for Jul 4 2014
You have found a new path to controlling and uplifting your emotions. It is evident to those around you who know you well, and it is a joyful sign. Now that you are beginning to feel transcendent above the difficulties, you are feeling more powerful too – because you have empowered yourself through optimism. You can expect many things in your life that were formerly challenging to become much easier. And since your spirit is lighter and you are more yourself, you will find that wonderful people and circumstances will gravitate to you.

Interestingly enough, I have experienced these feelings in the last week or so…by shedding the veil of grief I began to feel ‘normal’ but it’s more than that.
I do feel uplifted and powerful…and strangely optimistic.
I already have wonderful people around me so perhaps the circumstances will follow.

Normal = positive.
Who knew?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

‘normal’ again

Today was the first day I felt ‘normal’ since the day my dad died. It was interesting to me, because YBW and I were sitting on the sofa and being goofy, kind of tickling and giggling and snuggling in front of the TV and in that moment I felt it. I felt ‘normal’…like myself. I was lying half across YBW I looked up and, a bit choked up, I said: I feel normal today, thank you.

I was asked how I was doing Wednesday by a friend who was over for dinner. I said: I’m so damn tired. I’ve been tired since the beginning of May. I don’t know if it is grief or depression or I’m just tired, but I’m sick half to death of it.
He understood. (He’s the dad of my little student who’s mother died in March.)

Today, I don’t feel tired. I feel like myself again.
I’m savvy enough to realize I’ll feel that particular kind of tired again, but I trust the ‘normal’ is here to stay.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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