I grow weary of trying to feel normal.
The way we’re currently living is not remotely normal, so why in the holy hell are we pretending it is?
I mean, I get it. If we behave somewhat normally, it won’t feel as strange.
But it’s not normal, so why are we trying to make it feel normal?
Perhaps it’s time to accept that the normal we knew is gone and will never return.
I’ve worked so hard to keep some semblance of normal while being stuck at home.
Bathing and getting dressed. Doing the work things before the lounge-y things. I’m not wearing mascara. I’m not wearing my wedding rings. I am wearing jeans some days. I’m wearing yoga pants and leggings other days. I am never wearing jammies unless it’s the evening or I’m in my bed.
I’m sick of forcing normal.
Yesterday I didn’t bathe, but I did get dressed. I didn’t do anything remotely productive. I didn’t tidy. I didn’t sort photos. I didn’t write.
Want to know what I did all freaking day yesterday?
I was on pinterest.
All. Damn. Day.
I have no guilt.
I’m tired of attempting to feel normal.
I made an active choice to just check out.
I saw and pinned the most random stuff. From Harry Potter (Weasley is our King!) to organization. From cocktail recipes to all things Avengers. From houseplans and music to girl power and Good Omens. (I do not ship Crowley and Aziraphale as a couple, I love their friendship.)
I didn’t make dinner. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t want to. I just sat in front of my computer.
Today I feel different than I did the last few days.
I’ve been so frustrated and antsy.
But today I feel kind of refreshed.
Was looking and pinning all day was engaging yet mindless enough to make a difference?
Did I simply need a reset?
I’m tired of coping.
I’d like to be living.
Complaint is not my intention. I’m simply expressing my thoughts and feels.
I feel weary.
I know there’s not a way out for the foreseeable future.
I’m prepared to accept the situation.
I think I’m past the point of trying to keep it normal.
At this point normal is simply a word like egg or tree. I’ve lost the meaning.
Maybe that’s better for me? Maybe I need a new sense of normal?
TBPH, we all probably do.
It isn’t the way it was.
It’s not going to be the way it was.
This is it.
This is how we live now.
We need to discover how to make a new normal. One that keeps us safe and sane.
And on the day when the world opens back up, that’ll be an entirely new level of normal.
In the meantime, I’ve come to realize routine is one thing, normal is quite another.
So I’ll be sticking to my routine.
But I’m going to let go of normal for a while.