Posts Tagged With: feelings

all the baby Jesuses

Posted on January 8, 2014 by robynbird

YBW took me to the annual crèche exhibit at Washington National Cathedral. Why you ask? Well I have a special love for nativities and a woman who works with him is also a docent at the Cathedral. She mentioned this one day and he came home asking if I wanted to go. (Did I?)
My love for this house of worship is as enormous as the building itself so any excuse to spend time there is one I’ll happily take! But to visit the Cathedral to see the crèche exhibit, well that was just like Christmas! (Pun intended, I adore Christmastime.)

We wandered briefly through the nave before going downstairs to the crypt level to see the nativities. That many teeny baby Jesuses all in one place created an unparalleled level of joy within me…interestingly enough, it created an unparalleled level of peace within me too. Even though I was there with my sweetheart, it was an intimate and personal experience for me. I was moved by all the representations of the baby’s birth from all over the world and in all the different media, from wood and resin to coffee root and newspaper.

A few miniatures made specifically for doll houses gave the little girl in me a great big bucktooth grin. My favorite was from Ireland perhaps it somehow tapped into my genetic code, because it certainly wasn’t the most beautiful one.

YBW’s favorite was this elaborate cityscape made in France.

After we looked at and revisited each and every one, we moved on from the nativities to the smaller chapels. In the Bethlehem Chapel, I lit a candle praying for peace to find my precious Thing 2 and in the Chapel of Joseph of Arimathea for a selfish moment I kneeled in prayer for myself, something I haven’t done in longer than I can even remember…but it felt…right, my spirit was moved and I experienced peace.

It’s been said that the baby Jesus is the light of the world…my world was surely lighted that day.

Categories: love, me, peace and wellbeing | Tags: baby Jesus, blessings, creche exhibit, excitement, feelings, happy, love, nativities, nativity, peace, prayer, washington national cathedral, wellbeing | 2 Comments

becoming my very best self

Posted on January 5, 2014 by robynbird

Taurus horoscope for December 29, 2013
You are evolving, Taurus. You are beginning to blossom into your very best self. You have experienced a lot of lessons recently, and you have learned them well. Now it is time to transcend who you were, and become who you really are. You will be able to forget the past, and to let go of any mistakes or wrongs you still feel guilty about. Don’t fight it. Don’t let guilt drag you down. Let go and move forward. Allow yourself to evolve and to become the best you that you can be.
(Yeah, I’ve been trying to write this for more than a few days.)

After the chaos of 2013 I’m ready to become the best me that I can be.
There are a few circumstantial things in my favor…I’ve found a doctor who is helping make strides to improve my physical and emotional health. I have a safe and loving home and I’m surrounded by good, strong loving people for whom I’m eternally grateful. I have a job that no matter how frustrated and exhausted I feel is ultimately rewarding.
Possibly the most important circumstance is that Thing 2 has come back to me. The ease this brings me is immeasurable. There were several tearful phone conversations which included her saying, ‘not to sound hypocritical, but who wouldn’t want you to be their mommy?’ and ‘I was selfish and stupid.’ and ‘I just need you to help me.’ These conversations also included me saying, ‘I will always help you, baby.’ and ‘that’s why you have a mommy.’ and ‘I love you and will always do my best to keep you safe.’

She’s coming home to us later this week. Sundance and I are over the moon, Girlie Thing is too…YBW seems hesitant. He watched what I went through, but he was also very hurt by her too…I sense he is worried about her but concerned about what it will be like for her to be here. I hate that. I am ready to move on. My forgiveness is vast and all encompassing. This is not to say I have forgotten the way it felt, but I know what’s important, and to me that means healing and moving forward with love and understanding. I believe that’s where he is too, but I can’t seem to shake the fretty feeling.

In addition to these circumstantial things, I’m beginning to feel less as though I’m in survival mode and more as though I’m beginning to be able to govern the events of my life. I’m tired of feeling guilty and angry. I’m ready to let all that go and embrace peace. It’s funny, I’m sensing a “new year’s” sort of theme…I’m not the resolution kind of girl, but I’m feeling inclined to welcome change. Something’s got to give. I can’t keep going the way I was.

I got a brand new do yesterday and the metaphorical weight I lost with that cutting of hair was more freeing than I could have imagined…not to mention it’s pretty adorable.
I am revisiting that Robynbird as phoenix-like feeling…and making big plans as I move into 2014…(But not really resolutions.)
This morning I read an article posted on facebook by a guy I grew up with, about goals vs systems…it made good sense to me…designing and maintaining a system for doing what you want instead of setting goals and holding yourself to an unrealistic standard…it fits nicely into my big plans and I plan to embrace it whole-heartedly.

Though the following are conceptually resolutions, I don’t consider them as such…to me they’re promises I’m making to myself to assist my move from survival mode to my very best self…it feels like less pressure that way…this isn’t something to crow about or to wear like a badge, it runs deeper than that, I am honoring me and don’t really care what it looks like from the outside.

I promise to be more aware of what I put in my body, to be mindful of my physical health and strength.
I promise to get behind my brand new camera once a week.
I promise to write with purpose twice a week.
I promise to give my preschool students the best age appropriate curriculum I can create.
I promise to be truly present with my family.
I promise to devote the time and attention my own school work deserves.
I promise to trust my gut and ignore my logic.
I promise to put myself first without guilt.

No more half-assing my life. I will be the best possible me because it is time. My time. I promise.

Categories: me | Tags: adventure, daughters, early childhood education, emergent curriculum, excitement, feelings, good health, guilt, horoscope, journey, love, motherhood, new hair, new years, peace, photography, positive change, preschool, promises, relationships, resolutions, sharing, stream of consciousness, writer, writing | Leave a comment

Thing 1 says

Posted on September 27, 2013 by robynbird

A curious thing happened…

Thing 1 called me this week specifically to ask a question, but also have a chat. We discussed her question and then moved on to our chat. Somehow, Christmas came up…she told me it’s her boyfriend’s family’s big holiday and she was thinking she’d go there with him. I said, “Well your sister has decided not to come here for Christmas like we planned so I’m not sure how that’s going to affect your decision.”
She said she assumed that was what was happening and then VERY quickly said, “I’m staying out of it. It doesn’t have anything to do with me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
I replied, “Oh I understand. It directly affects me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
She told me her daddy called her that first day as soon as he got off the phone with me. (This struck me as odd, but we’ll get to that in a minute.)
She went on to tell me she spoke with Thing 2 to check and see how she was.
I said, “I’m not going to ask you what Daddy said because it’s none of my business, but I am confused as to why he called you.”
She said, “Mommy you need to know Thing 2 doesn’t hate you. She loves you very much.” (This was almost too much to bear.)
She asked, “Do you want to know what I think? I think it was very stressful for all of us when you and Daddy split up, and we were all exhausted. And I think Thing 2 doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore. I don’t think you guys meant to, like intentionally, but you kind of used us to get at each other.” (This is when I almost had apoplexy.)
She went on to say Thing 2 is happy getting to do what she wants because Daddy is never home and you’re not there anymore and she can just chill. (Chill? No, she’s loving the fact her dad treats her like a roommate instead of behaving like a parent and I’m not there holding her accountable. Sorry…I digressed there.)
She said that Thing 2 just needed a break. Then she said, “Mommy, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, this is just what I think.”
I said, “Bear, you are not hurting my feelings. I appreciate your point of view. I need to tell you something very sincerely and need you to please listen equally sincerely.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I have never intentionally used you or your sister to hurt your daddy. I have never manipulated either of you or him. In fact, I once told your daddy that I would sacrifice everything and walk away from you both to save you from that ever happening to you.”
There was a loooong pause…and then a very quiet, “Oh.” Then I heard her take a deep breath before she said, “I’m so sorry, Mommy, because I know now I did hurt your feelings.”
“No you didn’t. I just need you to know that my intentions have always been pure when it came to you and your sister, I have always put your best interests above everything else.”
“Thank you, Mommy.”

Then interestingly enough…both YBW and her boyfriend showed up simultaneously thousands of miles apart and changed the dynamic. So we said hello to the guys for each other, expressed our love and got off the phone.

Wasn’t that a peculiar bit of insight?

WHY IN THE HOLY HELL DID THEIR FATHER IMMEDIATELY GET ON THE PHONE TO THING 1 AFTER TALKING TO ME???

This has plagued me to no end.
Not to mention the fact that I know who the master manipulator really is. (And it ain’t me!)
Here’s the beauty of the way he functions…he has no conscious clue he does it, he just does! He couldn’t hurt me directly…he had no power to do that…what he had was access to the two people I love most on this planet. And THAT was where he went to work. He was able to manipulate them without their knowledge to hurt me. He used them to hurt me and punish me for hurting him. He was able to watch me suffer and never had to lift a finger.
And why does he get to be with Thing 2 and I do not if she needs a break from BOTH her “manipulating” parents? (I am fully aware I was being immature right there but my kid thinks I did something horrible to her and I DIDN’T!)
Why had I chosen to be blind for all that time? To make a choice to ignore who he really was?
For many long years I have wondered if I could trust him…but now I know I absolutely cannot.

(I didn’t want to shout at YBW about this situation even though it would have been safe to do so, and I didn’t want to talk with Sundance about it because sometimes she and I create a maelstrom that’s hard to escape and I already needed to be less insane about this situation.)

I wanted to write my daughters’ father a letter, one where he could see it in black and white…a letter that said nothing but “I statements”. (I don’t understand this, I am confused by this, I feel sad when I think or hear this…) I was not about to throw accusations or blame…I was going to make it all about me.
But fate intervened in the form of my friend and mentor.
She said, “Do nothing. You raised your girls beautifully and they will see everything one day. They will see you consistently took the high road over and over again. They will see your grace and dignity. He is what he is, a product of his environment, he is somehow emotionally stunted and you can see with your kind heart.”
WOW.
That struck a chord deep within me and I know she’s right.

So I stop and I breathe.
I trust Thing 1 and I trust Thing 2. But most importantly I trust myself.
As much as I hate being on the journey I will admit knowing I’m on the high road makes it a bit less arduous. Surely the high road will get me to my destination sooner or later.

Categories: divorce, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: daughters, divorce, feelings, heartache, hope, loss, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, passive aggressive, relationships, sadness, taking the high road, teenagers, trust | 2 Comments

preschool is not as fun as I remember

Posted on August 23, 2013 by robynbird

First week at my new preschool and instead of feeling overjoyed, I just want to cry.

This process of adjusting is never easy for me but I am especially struggling with adjusting to this new school. Part of the problem is the school isn’t exactly what it claims to be…Reggio inspired emergent curriculum, conscious discipline…it means well, but it surely isn’t meeting my expectations based on what I was sold.
I’m being assured by the director and compliance manager I’m exactly what they want and need…I’ll bring to the table everything that is lacking as well as my passion and energy for young children. Only I don’t want to reinvent the wheel…I want to teach two year olds, not train staff!
If only my friend and mentor could come spend time here…these people could seriously use her expertise.

I’m struggling with how to process these conflicting feelings…how to find balance between my desire to teach young children and my serious concerns about this new school.
Am I overreacting? (I’m not above admitting it’s quite possible.)
I know I’m having trouble getting my groove on.

I’m not sure how to talk to YBW about this, not that he wouldn’t be a good listener because he would, but I’m afraid I’d feel the need to over-explain everything so he could sort of…I don’t know…catch up?
Maybe I don’t want him to know how unhappy I am. I’m not exactly sure he would understand that it isn’t a reflection of him.

Perhaps I don’t want to consider how unhappy I actually am.

It isn’t the move or being away from Thing 2…though both of these impact me every single day.
Being here has made me feel as though I belong for the first time since I had to leave my first SC home. I am safe and I am loved.
Thing 2 and I are good too. We talk often and text and she’ll be back in two weeks!

I really am so very unhappy about this job.
Whoa! That was VERY important! The fact I used the word ‘job’ and not ‘school’ is seriously telling. I’ve never thought of teaching two year olds as work…I went to school every day…this is me thinking of it as a job. Must pay attention.

I know I need to allow myself more time to adjust.
I’m not ready to throw up my arms and “rage quit”. (Thing 2ism)
My desire to see what can be is very big…my stubbornness is ready to fight for what I hope this can end up being.
But honestly, I just want to lie in my cocoon and cry, because something inside of me knows this isn’t right. And quite possibly won’t ever be.

Gotta breathe.
And just keep breathing.

Categories: education, me | Tags: anxiety, conscious discipline, early childhood education, emergent curriculum, feelings, new job, preschool, sadness, struggling | 1 Comment

Thing 2 is feeling her “wizard angst” today.

Posted on August 12, 2013 by robynbird

Teenagers! Dey tink dey know everyting…you geeve dem an eench dey sweem all over you.

How right you are Sebastian.

Thing 2 is being a complete and total “B” today! Like, I want to slap that smirk right off her face kind of “B”!
(Y’all need to know I’m not a face slapper.)
We went out (at her request!!) to purchase a swimsuit because she doesn’t have one here, and do a little shoe shopping…we got as far as finding two swimsuit pieces in her size before she just…quit.

Me: You OK baby?
Thing 2: I don’t feel good.
Me: Do you still want to do Plato’s and DSW?
Thing 2: I don’t know.
Me: Well, we did come all this way…
Thing 2: MOM! I do NOT feel good! When you didn’t feel well last week I didn’t pester you!
Me: OK then.
We stop for burgers at Five Guys…Thing 2 is very busy texting (I never mind this because she doesn’t normally do it in a way I deem inappropriate) and can’t be bothered to order her burger.
(This is the first time I want to slap her.)
We’re eating…she looks EVERYWHERE but at me. I ask a question or make a random statement met with cricket chirping.
Me: I am very sorry you’re not feeling well, but you asked me to get you out of the house, so here we are.
Thing 2: Ugh, well SORRRRRY! I got worn out. Why is it you can’t respect me?
(This the second time I want to slap her.)
Me: I will happily respect you if you stop being such a little bitch.

Silence in the car on the way home.
(Rooney is playing so I’m fairly content)

Mailman in the front of the neighborhood when we turn in. (She is expecting a package from her boyfriend.)
Me: Mailman!
Thing 2: Yeah but now I’ll have to wait.
(Fighting urge to pull car over and slap then kick her to the curb.)
Me: Not too much longer, bout 6-8 minutes.
No response.

I’m switching laundry and I hear her door open and her RUNNING down the stairs then the front door open and slam shut and her running back up the stairs into her room and shutting the door.
After a few minutes I go up and knock on the door: Did your package come?
Thing 2: Yes.
Me: Did you get the rest of the mail or…?
Thing 2: It was at the front door, I didn’t go to the mailbox.

I go out to the box…get something that makes me need to call the Things daddy super quick, then I open my computer to start a new chapter in my econ studies when I hear Thing 2’s feet sheepishly on the stairs. (Yes I can “hear” sheepish footsteps.)
I look up and Thing 2 has her bf’s hoodie in her hands.
Thing 2: Mommy I can’t get the zipper back on.
Me: You already broke D’s jacket?
Thing 2: NO! (But there might be tears in her eyes.) Maybe!
I put my hands out and ask if she needs help.
Eyes cast down, she responds with a quiet: yesh please.
I quickly examine the zipper, see the place where a couple of teeth are missing, put the zipper pull back on and hand it back to her.
Thing 2: WHAT!?! You fixed it that fast? I’m missing all the good skills in our family!
She looks at the jacket and then looks quickly back up: thank you.
I took her by the arms and said: first of all, you’re welcome.
Thing 2: But I said thank you!!
Me: Secondly, you have plenty of skills. You just don’t have a lifetime of random and mommy skills under your belt.
Thing 2: Guess I can’t adopt Thing 1’s kid (Which she DOES NOT have!!) and be it’s mommy.
Me: No, you still need to grow up a bit more I think.
Thing 2: I didn’t want to come ask you for help. I thought, you were such an ass and now you want her to help you?
Me: I will always help you.
Thing 2: Thanks Mommy.
Then there was a kiss and she was off again…her feet lighter this time.

I love being a mommy more than anything in the world…I even love that my girls can be a bitch to me and know it will be OK when we can discuss it later on. It is about respect…respecting each other as individuals, meeting each other where we are, and knowing we all have crap days and try as me might, we sometimes take it out on each other. I like apologies when they’re appropriate and heartfelt.

Best part of all?
I no longer want to slap her.
Yay me!

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: angst, apologies, attitude, bad moods, feelings, love, parenting, teenagers | 4 Comments

lunch at El Pobs

Posted on July 30, 2013 by robynbird

Went to lunch with my former husband today, it was fun and bittersweet all in one fell swoop.
We ate Mexican food (I drank a margarita) and talked about random day to day things…job stuff and practical stuff, but mostly we talked about Thing 1 and Thing 2 and what it’s like to be their parents. We discussed how it will be as we move forward and parent from two entirely different physical places. We discussed faults (without any real blame) for behaviors and actions specific to Thing 1, and he apologized. We talked about how it will be to trade Thing 2 back and forth over 500 miles and that it will most likely be a very good experience for her.

We’ve been lucky to remain close even though we’re no longer a couple, but I believe it’s because we were friends before we were a couple to begin with…and actually, we were more best friends who raised kids together than anything else and that’s just fine with me.
Now this is not to say we didn’t have bad times, because did we ever! And he is manipulative and passive aggressive and I am selfish, stubborn, and controlling…honestly I’m not sure how either one of us stood the other for as long as we did.
But the love is real and it won’t ever go away.

I’ve known him since I was seventeen years old, he knows all my history and I know all his. I’ve known him for over a quarter century, had his name for more than half my life. We have been through the good, the bad, the indifferent…it was hellish and it was lovely. I broke his heart when I chose to end our marriage, I’ll always be sorry for that but I will never be sorry for deciding to do what was best for both of us.

I’m glad he and I made those two Things. I’m glad I got to be a stay at home mommy for so long, to play and learn and love those awe inspiring girls. They are my babies, my heart, and I wouldn’t have them if it wasn’t for him.

I feel overjoyed knowing in four short days I’m going to be in my new life, with the man I love. I deserve every bit of the happiness I’m about to experience.
I wish the Things daddy his every heart’s happiness too, I hope he chooses to embrace it, whatever it may be.

Categories: divorce, love | Tags: blessings, divorce, feelings, friendship, love, moving, parenting, sadness, saying goodbye, sharing | 11 Comments

But where are the feels?

Posted on July 25, 2013 by robynbird

Everyone keeps asking if I’m “so excited”. Of course, I say I am but I’m sitting here this morning and I’m feeling pretty much anything but excited.
This morning I’m pouting because (I am not really a grown up) I can’t swing a visit with my friend and mentor before I leave next week.
I’m pouting, but I don’t feel petulant, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. My heart is heavy. But I had to make a responsible choice…a responsible financial choice. (Huh! Maybe I really am a grown up after all.)

I don’t feel excited. I don’t feel anything. (Well, obviously I feel pouty, I just said that.) But I want to feel excited! I want to be jumping up and down “pants peeing” excited!!
Am I so displaced at the moment I just can’t feel anything?
OR (this just occurred to me as I’m writing) is it that I’m suppressing my feelings, good and bad, so as not become overwhelmed by them? This actually seems more like me…so I’m not excited because I’m not feeling grief for the life I’m leaving, sadness at not being with Thing 2, anxiety about having to assimilate into YBW’s life, my new job, and how that might be.
(This is one of those moments I want to “Gibbs-slap” myself.) Instead, I’ll treat myself with kindness and love, and take the time to allow myself to feel all these things so I can begin to feel excited.
OH! WAIT! It’s because I don’t feel safe! I’m not settled! I’m struggling to write, I’m struggling to feel because I’m displaced…to quote Elvis Costello, “a man out of time”. (Except, of course I’m a girl and I’m not really out of time, I’m out of “home”…that song seemed applicable in my head so I went with it.)

And why am I judging how I “should” be feeling? Why don’t I just accept how it is?
I’m going to have to let myself feel or not feel as is natural!
I’m processing. I’m on the journey. I’m going to let go of the wheel for a split second and let it take me…
(Did I mention I’m a destination girl? The journey makes my ass twitch.)
I’m processing…I’ll feel what I feel when I feel it.
I think I’m excited somewhere in there…I know I’m ready for the next week to hurry up and go so I can get in my car with my precious Thing 2 and go home.
Yall get to come with me.