Posts Tagged With: struggling

riding the struggle bus

I had a bad day Monday.
It was the day of: Are you even alive?
I struggled the entire day. In all honestly, I should have gone back to bed and waited for Tuesday.
My friend Nora was quick to offer to come to my rescue, even though there was nothing she could really do to help. She’s good like that. I’m blessed to have her in my life. She’s a wonderful human being and she’s a good, strong, and loving friend.

I got a text message from her a little while ago. It said: Now it’s my turn to ride the struggle bus today.
She shared her struggle and we “breathed together” and she asked one question that I answered with truth and love. I think she’s feeling less anxious, and I know I don’t feel as concerned for her as I did when it started.

All that said, (and this is why she’s so great…she has the same wack-a-doodle sense of humor as me) I freaking LOVE that phrase “ride the struggle bus”. I’m fairly clever with words but have no qualms admitting I’d probably never come up with that phrase.
She was amused that I dig it.
She could see past her anxiety and appreciate the humor in the phrase.

Sometimes you can’t help but ride the struggle bus.
But if you’re really fortunate, you’ll have people in your world that will ride with you…or at least wait for you at the next stop.
That’s when you can stop and breathe together. And hopefully be amused.

Categories: peace and wellbeing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

a week in the life…may I please have a “do-over”?

So preschool still seems to fit me ill…

This frustrates me to no end! I am struggling to bring structure into the classroom, I’m struggling with two year olds who just haven’t experienced the type of routine and expectations I’m bringing with me.
I met with the director again today to voice my concerns…she pointed out the drastic changes in that room since my arrival…she is willing to provide everything on my “wish list”…she needs me and continues to champion what I bring not only to the classroom, but the twos program at large.
And while this is nice…I honestly know what I’m bringing and I can tell you I bring it like a boss! I learned from some pretty amazing teachers. (I’m not bragging, I’m being honest.)

YBW suggested after an almost 10 year break in teaching two year olds, perhaps that ship has sailed…that maybe, just maybe that’s not where I “am” anymore. That even though my heart loves that age, I may be in a different place and it just might not fit me anymore.
I’ve been considering this…my degree is secondary education…this means middle and high school…perhaps it’s time to embrace the teenagers of the world and leave the two year olds to those more currently equipped?
Perhaps I need to give it a little more time. I can feel it easing up…I’m just not on target…of course school only started three weeks ago. I need to cut myself some slack. They’re going to get it as I teach and model it…I need to remember to be kind to myself.
Preschool will be fun once we get our groove on.

And then:

Thing 2 dropped the biggest baddest bomb on me Thursday. “I’m just so done, Mom!”
This means she has decided to no longer consider me as her mother…she isn’t coming to her home here…she doesn’t want me to contact her…she doesn’t want me to “try and take care of” her.

Tears.
Confusion.
Pain.
Anguish.
Tears.
Anger.
Heartbreak.

She says it’s because she “has spent (her) whole life taking care of (me). That (she) has been responsible for (my) happiness and has never been able to do anything, (she) always had to be too perfect and a good kid to please (me). Because (I) told her she was my favorite person in the world, that put too much pressure on (her) and (she) has decided (she’s) unwilling to do it any more.”

WTF?
So much for 16 years of positive relationship…so much for making sure I’ve spent my entire adult life working to do what was best for her (and her sister) .
I am hurt and confused and want to understand how this came about.

My “sister” Sundance told me her Girlie Thing said, “Is Thing 2 mad Aunt Roby moved to YBW’s house? I think I would be if you did that.”
Sundance asked, “Enough to make you not want me to be your mommy?”
Girlie Thing said, “I that what Thing 2 said? No Mommy, that’s not Thing 2, someone else said that first.”

My friend and mentor said, “For the first time in my life, I am literally speechless.” (If y’all knew her you’d understand the seriousness of that statement.) She agrees with my niece, that Thing 2 is “seeing through someone else’s lenses”.

YBW cried with me and said, “I’m not as sad as you are, but I am so very sad.”
He holds my hand quite a little bit more lately because the sadness comes and goes suddenly and without warning. Today he was snuggling with his own Thing 2 and I had to leave the room because I couldn’t watch it…I was already feeling so sad.

The theory is she’ll sort her shit (pardon my French) and come back to me.
My thinking brain understands and mostly agrees, my feeling brain (heart?) can’t seem to go there.

My friend and mentor says, “You raised her well, she’s going to figure out how to see through her own lenses again and she will come back to you. And there you will be with open arms.”

Yes, my arms will be open…will my broken heart ever be able to trust my baby again?
If wishing makes it so…

Categories: education, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

preschool is not as fun as I remember

First week at my new preschool and instead of feeling overjoyed, I just want to cry.

This process of adjusting is never easy for me but I am especially struggling with adjusting to this new school. Part of the problem is the school isn’t exactly what it claims to be…Reggio inspired emergent curriculum, conscious discipline…it means well, but it surely isn’t meeting my expectations based on what I was sold.
I’m being assured by the director and compliance manager I’m exactly what they want and need…I’ll bring to the table everything that is lacking as well as my passion and energy for young children. Only I don’t want to reinvent the wheel…I want to teach two year olds, not train staff!
If only my friend and mentor could come spend time here…these people could seriously use her expertise.

I’m struggling with how to process these conflicting feelings…how to find balance between my desire to teach young children and my serious concerns about this new school.
Am I overreacting? (I’m not above admitting it’s quite possible.)
I know I’m having trouble getting my groove on.

I’m not sure how to talk to YBW about this, not that he wouldn’t be a good listener because he would, but I’m afraid I’d feel the need to over-explain everything so he could sort of…I don’t know…catch up?
Maybe I don’t want him to know how unhappy I am. I’m not exactly sure he would understand that it isn’t a reflection of him.

Perhaps I don’t want to consider how unhappy I actually am.

It isn’t the move or being away from Thing 2…though both of these impact me every single day.
Being here has made me feel as though I belong for the first time since I had to leave my first SC home. I am safe and I am loved.
Thing 2 and I are good too. We talk often and text and she’ll be back in two weeks!

I really am so very unhappy about this job.
Whoa! That was VERY important! The fact I used the word ‘job’ and not ‘school’ is seriously telling. I’ve never thought of teaching two year olds as work…I went to school every day…this is me thinking of it as a job. Must pay attention.

I know I need to allow myself more time to adjust.
I’m not ready to throw up my arms and “rage quit”. (Thing 2ism)
My desire to see what can be is very big…my stubbornness is ready to fight for what I hope this can end up being.
But honestly, I just want to lie in my cocoon and cry, because something inside of me knows this isn’t right. And quite possibly won’t ever be.

Gotta breathe.
And just keep breathing.

Categories: education, me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Encouragement for you!!

Need some encouragement--read this!!

To Write or not to Write and What to Write

#shortstories #thoughts #reflections

The Jane Doe Byline

When it comes to stewed prunes, are three enough or are four too many?

Thinker Boy: Blog & Art

by Troy Headrick

A Teacher's Reflections

Thirty Years of Wonder

Life and Random Thinking

An old dog CAN blog

charles french words reading and writing

An exploration of writing and reading

I am Kat...

My journey through this thing called life....

Self Love Coffee

read. sip. heal.

Hey Mom, Now What?

Real Mom Questions, Real Mom Answers

A Question of Lust

"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Sawblades In Your Walkman

effervescing with muchness

History Tech

History, technology, and probably some other stuff

Tales from the mind of Kristian

Visit the darkest crevices of my mind, dare to tread where many fear to go. You may find something interesting or you may find a mirror to your soul.

Writer of Words, etc

Words, food, thoughts, sports

walkingtheclouds

where the clouds may lead

Meditations in Motion

Running and life: thoughts from a runner who has been around the block

Winter1137's blog

Social anxiety, depression and a cat obsession. The fun never ends.

Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..

WhyToStop

Seattle Fashion & Lifestyle Blog By Rachna

Finding French Charming

Finding True Love.. Even After Forty

%d bloggers like this: