preschool is not as fun as I remember

First week at my new preschool and instead of feeling overjoyed, I just want to cry.

This process of adjusting is never easy for me but I am especially struggling with adjusting to this new school. Part of the problem is the school isn’t exactly what it claims to be…Reggio inspired emergent curriculum, conscious discipline…it means well, but it surely isn’t meeting my expectations based on what I was sold.
I’m being assured by the director and compliance manager I’m exactly what they want and need…I’ll bring to the table everything that is lacking as well as my passion and energy for young children. Only I don’t want to reinvent the wheel…I want to teach two year olds, not train staff!
If only my friend and mentor could come spend time here…these people could seriously use her expertise.

I’m struggling with how to process these conflicting feelings…how to find balance between my desire to teach young children and my serious concerns about this new school.
Am I overreacting? (I’m not above admitting it’s quite possible.)
I know I’m having trouble getting my groove on.

I’m not sure how to talk to YBW about this, not that he wouldn’t be a good listener because he would, but I’m afraid I’d feel the need to over-explain everything so he could sort of…I don’t know…catch up?
Maybe I don’t want him to know how unhappy I am. I’m not exactly sure he would understand that it isn’t a reflection of him.

Perhaps I don’t want to consider how unhappy I actually am.

It isn’t the move or being away from Thing 2…though both of these impact me every single day.
Being here has made me feel as though I belong for the first time since I had to leave my first SC home. I am safe and I am loved.
Thing 2 and I are good too. We talk often and text and she’ll be back in two weeks!

I really am so very unhappy about this job.
Whoa! That was VERY important! The fact I used the word ‘job’ and not ‘school’ is seriously telling. I’ve never thought of teaching two year olds as work…I went to school every day…this is me thinking of it as a job. Must pay attention.

I know I need to allow myself more time to adjust.
I’m not ready to throw up my arms and “rage quit”. (Thing 2ism)
My desire to see what can be is very big…my stubbornness is ready to fight for what I hope this can end up being.
But honestly, I just want to lie in my cocoon and cry, because something inside of me knows this isn’t right. And quite possibly won’t ever be.

Gotta breathe.
And just keep breathing.

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Categories: education, me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “preschool is not as fun as I remember

  1. You have been through a lot. The move was a big one, especially moving away from your daughter. Moving to a new work environment is an extra stress at the best of time, even more so when you are not finding the work enlightening. It would be very stressful.

    Whenever I get stressed about anything I write down all the things in my life in three columns. (1) Those things that make me happy. (2) Those things that I am satisfied or contented with and I can cope with. (3) Those things that I am stressed about.
    Then I see if there is any way I can make those things in the third column move up, at least into the ‘satisfied’ column (even if it is not ideally what I would love). Sometimes I can and I try my best to manage whatever it is. Sometimes I cannot, and then I think about how I can change it.

    I have found that whenever I go through new beginnings, of any kind, I often set my heights too high and expect perfect ‘happiness’ in every aspect of my life. If something does not make me ‘happy’, I immediately write if off. In more recent times, I have come to realise that second column, accepting ‘contentment’ and being satisfied with what I have, gives me greater overall peace of mind – although I must admit that it is not always immediately forthcoming! 🙂

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