Posts Tagged With: angst

standing at the crossroads

I’m conflicted about how to move forward with this Thing 2 situation. YBW and I have been talking and we’ve come up with two scenarios. The first is we can make her come back here, force the legality of the custody agreement that says she lives here full time. The second is we tell her to come get her belongings.
I’m getting feedback from people who love me who are just trying to be supportive. These are some of the points of view I’m receiving:
“If it were me and this was (child’s name) I would hold her accountable for the decision she made.”
“I quite quickly come to the point that she is the child and you are the adult. Make her do what you and (her father) agreed to.”

Interestingly enough, I agree with these points of view. I believe she should be held accountable. It’s the actuality of executing them where I get lost. I can easily force her to be here, but I she is the variable. Or rather how she chooses to behave is the variable. I have no idea what she will be like upon a forced return. Will she make everyone’s life miserable? Will she choose to take out her dissatisfaction on the people who live in this house?
See, if she makes me miserable, I can handle that. If she makes the boys miserable it’s something completely different.

If we just have her come get her things, she goes back to the stagnant life she left. The life that made her feel she lost a year. The life in which everyone around her, her beloved friends, are moving forward and she is standing still. The fact that she’s gotten her GED only means she’s no longer truant. Her friends are in school all day, she’ll be at home waiting. This is exactly the same situation she lived the last year. How long before she’s back against the wall, desperate and miserable and in need of change?

I can’t answer any of these questions. I still don’t even know how to feel about the situation.
I am, however, in a place where I no longer have the desire to worry neither do I have a willingness to “fix” the situation for her.
I’m certainly all about “the principle” which means holding her accountable for her decision to make a home and life here.
But I’m unwilling to squander any more energy or tears for someone who isn’t ready to look or move forward.

Being a teenager is hard. There is no denying that. I was a teenager…actually I was a teenager who was moved against her will during her high school life. It was hard, my God was it hard. I was sad and angry but I persevered, I got to start again. I have realized it may have actually been what was best for me. So I think Thing 2 should find her gumption. She should rediscover her survival instinct, the one that saved her life twice before she was two months old. She should straighten her spine and march headlong into her fear.
She didn’t really try.

I was finally able to talk to my friends and mentor, she liked what I said about respect, that Thing 2 asked to be respected, but was not respectful. She told me the angst was all in the wrong place. That it needed to be placed on Thing 2 where it belonged. She should be sitting with it. Whether it changed her point of view or not…well it didn’t really matter. She asked if I told Thing 2 I thought she was a coward and a quitter. I don’t think I did.

I called to talk with Thing 2 yesterday, she was “busy” could she please call me back later? Has she? No. I will call her again today. I will say what I have to say about respect, I will tell her I think she’s a coward and a quitter. I will wish her well in her endeavors. With a heavy heart.
My heart is heavy because she’s cutting herself off at the knees. She’s pushing opportunity away with both hands.
My heart is heavy because she betrayed YBW, who has been kind to her from the moment she showed up.
My heart is heavy not because she hurt me, but because she hurts people I love, most specifically herself. I can’t protect her from herself.

I’m still standing at the crossroads. Arguing each side against the other and still not sure which way to turn. But I’m going to start moving one way or another, simply to be rid of the angst. Without a doubt it is in the wrong place. It’s not mine to carry. So I’ll drop it at the crossroads and walk away slowly.
Wish me Godspeed.

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

walking on eggshells

Thing 2 has been here since Thursday…I’ve experienced feelings alternating between “pants-peeing” happiness and bone crushing anxiety.
There are moments when she’s engaged and her sassiness is a joy to behold, we’ve had serious fun together…

Over all I’m honestly glad I got to see her after all this time…but it feels icky.
As though something has broken between us and is irreparable. We will never be the way we were…I can only hope we’ll be able to find a new way to be together.
I’ve broached the subject with her about the awkwardness between us and she begins her response with something to the effect of: I can see some of your points, but I just think we should let it run its course. So I asked if was that she just didn’t care enough to try to fix it or was it just not that important to her.
And then there was no more discussion. So after a while I asked if the conversation was over and she asked what I wanted her to say.

I’m so tired of feeling anxious, I wonder if she also feels anxious…and if so, is she tired too?
When something is broken it must either be fixed or…well…thrown away, I guess. I’m unwilling to throw away my Thing 2…but I can’t fix it all by myself.
So I wait…and trust that one day I won’t be the only one who wants to fix what’s broken.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Thing 2 is feeling her “wizard angst” today.

Teenagers! Dey tink dey know geeve dem an eench dey sweem all over you.

Teenagers! Dey tink dey know everyting…you geeve dem an eench dey sweem all over you.

How right you are Sebastian.

Thing 2 is being a complete and total “B” today! Like, I want to slap that smirk right off her face kind of “B”!
(Y’all need to know I’m not a face slapper.) 
We went out (at her request!!) to purchase a swimsuit because she doesn’t have one here, and do a little shoe shopping…we got as far as finding two swimsuit pieces in her size before she just…quit.

Me: You OK baby?
Thing 2: I don’t feel good.
Me: Do you still want to do Plato’s and DSW?
Thing 2: I don’t know.
Me: Well, we did come all this way…
Thing 2: MOM! I do NOT feel good! When you didn’t feel well last week I didn’t pester you!
Me: OK then.
We stop for burgers at Five Guys…Thing 2 is very busy texting (I never mind this because she doesn’t normally do it in a way I deem inappropriate) and can’t be bothered to order her burger.
(This is the first time I want to slap her.)
We’re eating…she looks EVERYWHERE but at me. I ask a question or make a random statement met with cricket chirping.
Me: I am very sorry you’re not feeling well, but you asked me to get you out of the house, so here we are.
Thing 2: Ugh, well SORRRRRY! I got worn out. Why is it you can’t respect me?
(This the second time I want to slap her.)
Me: I will happily respect you if you stop being such a little bitch.

Silence in the car on the way home.
(Rooney is playing so I’m fairly content)

Mailman in the front of the neighborhood when we turn in. (She is expecting a package from her boyfriend.)
Me: Mailman!
Thing 2: Yeah but now I’ll have to wait.
(Fighting urge to pull car over and slap then kick her to the curb.)
Me: Not too much longer, bout 6-8 minutes.
No response.

I’m switching laundry and I hear her door open and her RUNNING down the stairs then the front door open and slam shut and her running back up the stairs into her room and shutting the door.
After a few minutes I go up and knock on the door: Did your package come?
Thing 2: Yes.
Me: Did you get the rest of the mail or…?
Thing 2: It was at the front door, I didn’t go to the mailbox.

I go out to the box…get something that makes me need to call the Things daddy super quick, then I open my computer to start a new chapter in my econ studies when I hear Thing 2’s feet sheepishly on the stairs. (Yes I can “hear” sheepish footsteps.)
I look up and Thing 2 has her bf’s hoodie in her hands.
Thing 2: Mommy I can’t get the zipper back on.
Me: You already broke D’s jacket?
Thing 2: NO! (But there might be tears in her eyes.) Maybe!
I put my hands out and ask if she needs help.
Eyes cast down, she responds with a quiet: yesh please.
I quickly examine the zipper, see the place where a couple of teeth are missing, put the zipper pull back on and hand it back to her.
Thing 2: WHAT!?! You fixed it that fast? I’m missing all the good skills in our family!
She looks at the jacket and then looks quickly back up: thank you.
I took her by the arms and said: first of all, you’re welcome.
Thing 2: But I said thank you!!
Me: Secondly, you have plenty of skills. You just don’t have a lifetime of random and mommy skills under your belt.
Thing 2: Guess I can’t adopt Thing 1’s kid (Which she DOES NOT have!!) and be it’s mommy.
Me: No, you still need to grow up a bit more I think.
Thing 2: I didn’t want to come ask you for help. I thought, you were such an ass and now you want her to help you?
Me: I will always help you.
Thing 2: Thanks Mommy.
Then there was a kiss and she was off again…her feet lighter this time.

I love being a mommy more than anything in the world…I even love that my girls can be a bitch to me and know it will be OK when we can discuss it later on. It is about respect…respecting each other as individuals, meeting each other where we are, and knowing we all have crap days and try as me might, we sometimes take it out on each other. I like apologies when they’re appropriate and heartfelt.

Best part of all?
I no longer want to slap her.
Yay me!

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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