Today is Thing 2’s nineteenth birthday!
My sweet angel baby has been in the world for nineteen years.
She is a miracle. She almost died twice before she was eight weeks old. She’s a fighter. A survivor.
I went into the NICU to see her before she was even twelve hours old. I reached to touch her little hand and she grabbed my finger so tightly. In that moment my whole life changed. I fell in love in an entirely new way. In that moment I knew she was going to be fine. She was so strong, that tiny little girl.
She is my gift from God.
She is light and love and deep dark feelings. She of the waspish tongue and deliciously dry wit. She is hopes and dreams even though she’s forgotten how to hope and dream.
I love her more than the moon and the stars.
Posts Tagged With: mothers and daughters
happy birthday to Thing 2
mother’s day
I struggle with Mother’s Day.
My birthday is always the week of Mother’s Day. Sometimes even falls on that particular Sunday. I don’t remember it bothering me until I became a mom. First one precious little girl and later, two precious little girls called me their mommy. They were SO focused and excited about Mother’s Day that my birthday often fell by the wayside.
When they got old enough to understand, I explained how much I loved their beautiful appreciation of me. I explained that I was their mommy every day. That it was the most special thing EVERY DAY. But that my birthday was only one day and it was special. It took a bit for them to get it, but they knew how important I made their birthdays and they began to come around. So while Mother’s Day remained special, “birthday birthday” became the focus that second week of May.
Mother’s Day is painful for me because I don’t have my mom anymore. However complicated our relationship was, she was my mother and I loved her.
I took Thing C and Thing G to get cards for their mom. I went with YBW to get a card for his mom. I spent the day with YBW and his mom.
It was agony.
I no longer have a mom. It hurts more than I can even communicate.
Thing 1 called to tell me Happy Mother’s Day. She thanked me for being her mom. She talked about the life she’s building. She talked about going back to school. She told me she sent a little gift, but it was going to be late. She told me how much she loved me.
My heart sang with joy!
Thing 2 did nothing. (I don’t know if she was being purposefully hurtful or not…I honestly don’t think it matters. It was hurtful enough.) People that I did not actually give birth to called and texted to wish me Happy Mother’s Day. I’m just sayin’.
When my girls were little and I was teaching preschool, I was blessed to be surrounded by some of the most truly awe inspiring women I’ve ever known.
We were a family. If something happened to one of us, joy or sorrow, it happened to all of us. These women helped me realize who I could be. They let me help them see things from my unique and sometimes brash perspective. (I may or may not have publicly accused the director of being on crack at a faculty meeting…in my defense, it opened a new way of talking about a serious topic.)
When I started this blog I promised my family and friends anonymity. That’s why I never use anyone’s real name…apart from my own. My girls and Sundance have expressed their ambivalence regarding this promise. I keep it because YBW is especially protective of his identity, and the identity of his sons. I respect that. Nobody “signed up” to be part of my public words regarding my private life. I want to keep those who need to feel safe feeling safe.
That said, I’m going to use the names of the women from that perfect moment in time when we lived and loved and worked in the safest and most creative environment.
It kind of started this way:
On Sunday, Nicole posted in our private group chat:
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! I would not have survived young motherhood without you all!!
I was thinking something along those lines when I was washing my hair that morning. I was thinking about some of the women that influenced my life. What I learned from each of them and how I incorporated that into my parenting style, and into my own personal development.
I learned from my mom that always having to be in control will wear you the eff out. That it breaks you and makes you miserable. My mom taught me the value of creativity and expressing opinions because she squashed those out of us as children. She taught me that love is conditional, you must be exactly what someone wants or they can’t love you.
She taught me that you just have to keep fighting for what you believe in. She taught me what true sacrifice looks like. She taught me that a color book and box of crayons eases heartache. She taught me that birthdays are the most important celebration, because the day you came into the world is sacred. She taught me to love books. She taught me Elvis is the King. She taught me that being redhaird is the most precious gift, and that only a few of us ever have the luxury to receive it.
Some of the things she taught me made me a better mom because I did the exact opposite of what she did. Love is unconditional. Creativity and expressing yourself are the most important life stills to possess.
Some of what she taught me formed my most basic ideology. Birthdays are sacred. New crayons are priceless. Books are uniquely portable magic.
Nicole taught me that organized chaos is a great way to raise children. She taught me that love is fierce. She showed me how to see things through the eyes of a child. She taught me the value of true and long lasting friendship.
Jessica taught me that I was more capable than I ever realized. She taught me to listen differently so I could truly hear. She taught me to ask the most important question: What’s best for children? She taught me the value of my own mothering. She taught me when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. She helped me believe in myself at the lowest point in my life. She showed me the fire in my belly still had embers to nurture. She loved me when I couldn’t love myself.
Becca encouraged me to trust my gut, because she never seemed to be able to do that for herself. She taught me to appreciate every contribution. She brought out even more nurturing in me, she needed and still occasionally needs to be taught self-love. She taught me how innocent kindness can change lives. She taught me that my tough as nails hide could benefit from softening up a bit.
Terri taught me to see my firstborn in a new and different light. She provided much comfort and support when I was struggling with learning how to mom a three year old and a new and extremely sick baby. She was an example of love and tenacity through her own terrible illness. She taught me how to approach the enigma that is the three year old with the perfect mix of fear and appreciation.
Nancy taught me that I must embrace and celebrate my gifts. She is the first person who said out loud that I am a writer. That moment caused a change in my life that I will be forever grateful for. She supported me with love and hope when I didn’t know who or what I really was. She taught me that life is so much more than simply putting one foot in front of the other.
Marianne taught me that letting go is so much better than holding on too tightly. She taught me the importance of repetition. She helped me realize that a classroom was one of the most loving environments in the world.
Cory taught me that I matter. She helped me understand how to be a mom and a real person too. She accepted me for who I am. She guided my learning of that most important skill. I’m not great at it, but I am working at it every single day…even all these years later.
Julia encouraged me to take risks. She helped me realize that fear is a part of life, but if I didn’t try new things I might miss out on something extraordinary. She taught me a new kind of patience.
Sara gave me the courage to breathe when I needed to take a step back. She showed me the importance of kindness when Thing 2 and I experienced serious separation anxiety.
Like Nicole, I would never have gotten through young motherhood without these women. The gifts they gave me have gotten me through the last twenty two years.
It takes a village to raise children.
It takes a village to raise parents too.
I’m so blessed to know and love these women. I would not be the woman I am without experiencing their love and support.
I saw Becca this weekend, we talked about how those years were a sacred moment in time. We will never be able to recreate that, but we’re lucky enough to forever be better mothers and better women because of it.
an April wedding
Thing 1 and fiance N are getting married in April!
Not a ‘white dress, let’s have a big party’ wedding. An ‘at the courthouse with only our family’ wedding.
N is in a (well, several) program(s) for veterans. They’re paying to send him back to school (for an IT degree). They also pay him what I guess equates to a “salary” while he’s in school so he doesn’t have to work full time and got to school full time. (I’m not up on all the specifics.)
Anyway.
Fiance N and Thing 1 can receive more benefits if they’re married than if he’s single. So they spent a fairly decent amount of time talking about what they wanted to do and decided they’re going to get married at the courthouse now and they’ll have their wedding and reception on their first or second anniversary.
When Thing 1 called to tell me all this I suspect she was waiting for some “Mommmy backlash”. on the contrary, I think they’re making very smart choices for their future. It makes sense to utilize the benefits to the best of their ability. It makes sense to wait to have a more formal wedding and reception.
I fully support this choice. It took me a long time to be able to say that, because there was a long time that I simply wasn’t “feeling” N for my girl. I had big worries.
But after spending time with them before our wedding and at Christmas time, I got to see how they function as a couple. I got to hear their ideas for their future. I got to hear their dreams of the life they wanted to share.
It wasn’t that I finally got to know him better, but I got to know them better. I think they’re on the same page about what they want. What their hopes and dreams for a life together are.
I still have my concerns about her age. The fact he’s the first person she’s ever had sex with. Their age difference.
But I see past most of that and realize they’re doing what’s best for them right now. And I absolutely support that!
YBW and I are getting on a plane.
Her dad and Thing 2 are driving down.
N’s mom is driving down.
So their family with be with them when they get married.
Even though there’s not white dress (yet), I made sure Thing 1 does have a something new to wear.
We talked about how it didn’t have to be white if she didn’t want it to be and this is what she chose. It’s so very Thing 1! It’s a gorgeous silver and she’s mad about it.
I’ll be sending a bouquet of purple iris (her all-time favorite flower) for her to carry from this amazing site, The Bouqs Co.. Sundance hooked me up with it (after she had the idea Thing 1 needed flowers) that’s a great Auntie and Godmother right there, ya’ll!
My child, who has never really been at home in her own skin, is finally content.
The Mommy inside me is doing the happiest happy dance!
soulmates
Thing 2 and I were trading Arrested Development quips back and forth via text. In response to what I’d just sent her she wrote: I do that ALL the time and nobody gets it 
I wrote: You and I need to run away together and never look back.
Thing 2: Awh, Momma! ❤
Me: It might be crazy, but sometimes I think you’re the only person that really understands me.
Thing 2: Aww..Momma ❤ I love you
(then stuff that was precious but isn’t exactly relevant)
Thing 2: I wish I could be your mom more.
I find it ridiculously comforting that my child wants to be my mother. She is a great nurturer. She will be a mom who finds joy in her kids. She will be a foul-mouthed mom that reminds her kids “don’t say that word outside of this house or car”.
I remember being loved by my mother, but not really nurtured by her. Thing 2 is a much better nurturer than Mommie was. I would love for her to be my mom. Can we really be each other’s mom?
I honestly wonder if Thing 2 is my soulmate.
I’ve always maintained that Sundance is my soulmate. We have always said we are two halves of one. I don’t believe that has changed.
But I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t somehow create my own soulmate. Literally give birth to her. I suspect Sundance and Girlie Thing might be soulmates too. And though Sundance and I are still two halves of one, perhaps we created the souls we are meant to attach ourselves to.
I don’t know. I may be completely off base. Is it strange to think you create your soulmate? It doesn’t’ seem strange to me. It seems perfectly natural.
Though I might not be the best barometer for what is or is not strange.
I believe people are in our lives for a specific reason. We may never know what that reason actually is. I believe we build relationships to help us find what our soul may be lacking. Sometimes it’s simple things that can be gathered easily and the relationship goes as quickly as it began. Sometimes it takes much longer to share souls.
A long time ago, I read an interesting concept of soulmates. It went something like this: Your soulmate isn’t that person who completes you, that you’re meant to be with above all others. Your soulmate is that one who jumpstarts you and shakes you to your core so that you can open up and receive more. You’re not meant to be with that person forever because it would be exhausting.
(I can’t for the life of me remember where I read this.)
I’m not sure I agree with this concept of soulmate. It sounds more like a way to feel better about failed relationships.
I don’t think soulmates have to be your significant other.
I love YBW differently than I’ve ever loved any man in my life. I accept his love differently than any other man in my life. But I don’t believe he is my soulmate. I believe we came together when we were supposed to. I believe that he is the man with whom I am supposed to be.
Believing (and saying) he isn’t my soulmate does not in any way diminish our relationship. Actually, I feel that not believing it makes our relationship even better. We are making a choice to be together.
I digress…
Soulmate. Is there just one? Can Sundance and I be two halves of one and Thing 2 be my soulmate? Do we create our own soulmate? Is it just that Thing 2 and I so alike? Is simply our closeness?
That girl is a part of me. Maybe that’s not a soulmate. Maybe that is simply our bond.
That said, I don’t feel the same way about Thing 1. I love her. She is the human personification of every hope and dream I ever had. But I don’t feel that natural closeness. Even when she was a little girl, we loved, but we were not “on the same page”.
Sundance is the same way with Boy Thing. She loves him. But they’re not connected the way she and Girlie Thing are. It’s easy to say it’s because he’s a boy. But I don’t think that’s why.
Aristophanes tells of humans as having four legs and arms and two heads. He tells that Zeus was concerned that because of their strength, they might rise up against the Gods. So he cuts them in half to weaken them. What he doesn’t count on is their instinctive desire to reunite with the half that was taken from them.
Is that just our lot in human life?
I find it curious. Mostly I find it sad. Doomed to wander, forever searching for your missing half? No wonder we sometimes make crap relationship choices.
I feel like souls are somehow drawn to each other. Not out of desperation, but out of desire to share and experience. I believe souls teach and learn together.
I believe souls connect because they were meant to.
Whether or not my second born is my soulmate doesn’t really matter. What matters is that our souls know each other. That they live and learn and love together.
We are blessed to share and experience without the confines of labels.
Hope. (an essay on redhaired girl)
The new year has me thinking.
Thinking about hope.
Which reminds me of ‘An Essay on Man’. Only I’m thinking of it as ‘an essay on redhaired girl’ because I feel hopeful. I don’t know why, but I do feel it with every fiber of my being.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin’d from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
– Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733
In feeling hopeful, I’m considering practical ways that my hope can translate to practicalities in my life, and the lives of the ones I love.
I’m feeling hopeful about my health. That my brain will finally find a way to heal itself. That I can put this struggle to be well behind me. Even though the swelling is no longer increasing because I’m responding well to the meds, my brain is still swollen. I’ve kind of decided this is the new way of being. That may sound a bit defeatist, but that’s not how I mean it. It may simply be acceptance.
I trust that I can have acceptance and hope together.
I’m feeling hopeful for my children.
Thing 1 and fiance N have had a bit of a rough patch. N was hurt on the job and has been out of work for almost a year. They’ve been living with his mother, which has been hard for all of them. He had surgery on his knee and has a clean bill of health from the doctors. This was what they were waiting for. Working with the VA, he’s in a program that helps find a home and new employment. He has a few job leads and they’re moving this week into their new home. The program will also assist in education for a career change, he’s very eager for that.
Thing 1 has a lead on a job working at a horse stable. How wonderful for her to earn a living doing what she loves!
They’re talking paint colors and she’s asking for my help finding things she needs. YBW and I are gifting them a new set of cookware. She’s so excited!
They’re finally getting their life together back in gear.
One thing I love about where they’re living is that it has not just a major state university, but several smaller colleges. I’m hoping this will entice her to go back and finish school.
I’m feeling hopeful for Thing 2. She’s in a living situation that isn’t as positive as it could be and I worry how it impacts her psyche. She’s being the “mom” of so many “lost” young adults and it seems to be sucking the life from her. Interestingly enough, she’s the youngest of all these friends.
She’s finished being stuck and tentatively starting to move forward. Her fear and anxiety are her worst enemies. I’m hopeful that her determination will overtake them and she’ll be stepping into the life she chooses to create for herself.
I have concerns that she isn’t comfortable about going to school. She doesn’t know what she wants to study, she doesn’t want to waste time and money. I don’t care what she goes to school for. Even trade school would be fine with me, a certificate to do whatever is enough that she’ll be able to take good care of herself.
I feel hopeful that with love and support she’ll be able to break the cycle of spinning her wheels. I’m hopeful that she will be able to start working towards creating a new life for herself, even though she’s not sure what she wants. Taking the first steps will get her moving forward and the rest will come as she goes.
I’m hopeful for this life I’m making with YBW. Being married feels a bit different than not being married, but the life we lead is essentially the same. I feel hopeful that we’re heading in the right direction.
We have three “grown” kids and one that’s quickly growing. We need to begin to decide what our life will be like without kids at home. How do we want to live? Maybe even where do we want to live?
I’m hopeful that we can begin planning for our future while we’re working to successfully live in our present.
I long for everyone I love to feel as hopeful as I feel.
I want those of you who read these words to know that I feel hopeful for you.
My heart is filled with love and hope. I wish the same for everyone.
the sound of silence
Sssshhhhh.
Listen.
Do you hear that?
It’s silence.
There is nobody in our home but YBW and me.
All the Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small, have gone to their other homes.
Thing C and Thing G yesterday, to their mother’s.
We just took Thing 1 and fiance N to the airport. They will go to his mother’s to grab their things and move to their new home this week.
(Thing 2 and boyfriend D left last Sunday in order to spend NYE with their friends.)
YBW told me several times that this was “the best Christmas ever”. I couldn’t agree more! All our babies at home together was truly a Christmas blessing!
That said, I’m honestly happy to be alone in our home. That many people for that long just about wore me out.
Now, what will most likely happen is I’ll enjoy the quiet for about three or four days and then I’ll miss my girls.
(The boys will come back Friday.)
But for now, I’m happy to be at home enjoying the sound of silence with my love.
We’ve already decided not to leave the house tomorrow. I’m going to suggest a bath for two, perhaps a bit of love making, and some serious lounging on the sofa time.
sometimes you have to make your own light
Christmas Eve at the Cathedral was magical!
We made a quick stop at the space window before going downstairs to see the nativities.
Once downstairs, we kind of went out separate ways.
I spent a moment of prayer in St Joseph’s Chapel (My favorite space in the entire building.) before moving along to the creche exhibit.
YBW said he felt a bit jaded, that because we go each season, he feels as though he’s seen them all. I don’t feel jaded in the least. Though I do feel like these nativities were not as lovely as some we’ve seen in the past. Precious few moved me enough to photograph them.
I especially liked this one from South Africa made of fabric and glass beads. No donkey and camel in this nativity, but the lion and zebra sure came to celebrate baby Jesus!
Thing 2 came to find me and asked if I’d lit my prayer candle yet. I hadn’t, so she took my hand an led me through the gorgeously colorful mosaics of the Resurrection Chapel to the Cathedral Center for Prayer and Pilgrimage. This is the teeniest little room with a spiral stone staircase, a few wooden chairs along the wall behind a small kneeling alter in front of the candle table.
I hugged her tightly and told her this was where I always lit my prayer candles. She nodded and whispered that she just knew it.
She had been there before she found me, I could see the freshly lit candle and sense her presence. She sat in the corner behind me and I kneeled for a moment before using her candle to light mine.
God is in us. Always. There is no need to be in a house of worship to feel that connection. But in that moment in that tiny dark room I felt it more keenly than the way I carry God with me every day.
Perhaps it was being there with my baby. The one I always pray for in that particular room?
We left the Cathedral for the ellipse where the National Christmas tree was waiting for us.
Thing 2 and I drove past on our way home from the Nutcracker earlier that week. Honestly this tree has the prettiest lights I think I’ve seen in my entire life. But none of the trees were lighted this Christmas Eve afternoon. (Pourquoi pas?)
Thing 2, of course, was all about the trains. Thing 1 and I dug around for pennies and we took turns tossing them into baskets on the trains as they passed by. (We made more than we missed, go us!) Thing 2 mused what the change was used for. I teased that it was to pay the electric bill so the trees could be lit. Then she decided she would want to be one of the people who worked there with the trains. She could keep them running smoothly and gather up the change on the grass and hand it to all the small children standing along the fence so they could try their luck as the train cars went by. Thing 1 and I agreed that it would a great job for her.
Finally, we were tired and ready to head home. YBW got this shot of us walking together.
(I’m on the left, Thing 1 in the middle, and Thing 2 on the right.)
and there was much rejoicing…yaaaaaaaaay
All the Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small, are really irritated the rain falling from the sky isn’t snow!
The forecast for Washington DC today: 72° with scattered showers and thunderstorms. A few storms may be severe. Winds SW 10 to 20 MPH. (Thanks, weather.com, for your bleak Christmas Eve forecast.)
The rain has plagued us for days on end and will continue straight on through the weekend. Damn this warm weather! If it was cold outside, we could have a white Christmas!
I’ve already checked my camera battery (new SD card fully functioning) and will head out in a couple of hours to Cathedral Crèche Exhibition!
It’ll be a lovely day to be inside the Cathedral to see all the baby Jesuses! It’ll be a shit day to drive around the Metro area.
Thing 1 and fiance N arrived safe and sound yesterday evening! YBW picked them up at the airport on his way home from work.
Thing 2 and I danced around the kitchen to the Nutcracker while we waited for them to get home.
Finally they got here!
Boyfriend D was scheduled to get on the train at 4:00 this morning, only the train is running five hours behind and is stuck in Savannah. Thing 2 wonders if he’ll get here by Christmas. I’m with her, but I worry about the poor sod who has to go get him as the train arrival time pushes back later and later.
Our plan was to grab him from the King Street train station at his 2:00 pm arrival time on our way out of DC. New plans are in the works.
Thing C and Thing G come home from their mom’s this evening!
Our own Whos, the tall and the small, will be under one roof tonight snuggled in their beds with dreams of sugar plums and Santa in their heads!
My beloved sister-in-law celebrates her birthday today! In the old days when we lived near each other, the anniversary of her birth would be celebrated with a delicious white cake with white icing and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Now that we live far apart, I post on fb, I text and call. We say: I lovey you! and promise to see each other soon. I miss her so. I long to wrap my arms around her, especially today, on her birthday.
My heart grew three sizes writing this post! I am filled to overflowing with love!
I wish you all the happiest Christmas!
dreaming Clara’s dream
Eeeeeeeeee!
Last night was The Nutcracker!
We found our seats and had a little clap and squeal!
The curtain was late going up by about ten minutes and it was as hot as hell in the theater. But we were honestly the happiest girls in the world!
I adore Septime Webre, The Washington Ballet‘s Artistic Director. He’s an absolute genius!
Take a peek at his note from the playbill.
I love his American vision for The Nutcracker. George Washington as the Nutcracker was precious.
Thank you Clara, for sharing your beautiful dream with us!
I experienced a few happy tears during Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Here’s a little treat for you:
busy and lazy Christmas fun
Thing 2 and I met Sundance and Girlie Thing yesterday morning for a bit of last minute Christmas shopping. We didn’t know Girlie Thing was going to be with her mom. I saw her before Thing 2 did and when I said it out loud, Thing 2 took off running down the store’s main aisle into the outstretched arms of her cousin. My heart grew three sizes that moment.
Sundance announced her progress since her surgery and Girlie Thing announced she has a boyfriend! There was a great deal of squealing and giggling.
Thing 2’s boyfriend D decided at the last moment to come here for Christmas. Which is wonderful! But…there are not gifts for him under the tree. I sent his Christmas Eve jammies and book and a couple of other things down to him earlier in the month.
But now that he’s going to be here Christmas morning, we had some quick shopping to do. The mom in me and the dad in YBW couldn’t abide him being the only person with nothing under the tree. YBW tasked Thing 2 straight away with the job of going with me to choose things for him. It was cute, he was all: This is your job! You can’t do anything else until it’s finished!
We not only managed to finish in one day, but get everything wrapped too!
Then the lazy fun started! Holiday movie time!
We started with Love Actually while I wrapped his gifts. The whole time making fun of the articles I sent her before I wrote about the haters in I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes….
We took a break when YBW came home to eat a quick dinner and then organized ALL the pressies, moved the bulk downstairs.
We snuggled up on the sofa and went straight back to it. Thing 2 wishes the haters some ‘Love Actually’ peace.
We had a mini-debate on whether to watch The Holiday or Miracle on 34th Street (the original). Thing 1 wants to see Miracle on 34th Street, but we figured we could watch it twice…
We did the age old “behind the back choosing” and realized we wanted The Holiday most.
I popped corn and we got sorted on the sofa ready to go. Thing 2 gives two thumbs up.
Today’s movies: Miracle on 34th Street (to be watched again at some point after Thing 1 arrives tomorrow afternoon) and White Christmas. (I’ve watched it two and a half times already this season, but Thing 2 has never seen it and I think she’ll like it.)
What will we do this evening you ask?
Why, The Nutcracker, of course! So much squealing and clapping!
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