“dance again”

I was up and out of the house by 7:30 this morning to make it to an 8:00 doctor’s appointment.
I listened to Skipping Girl Vinegar and felt the need to share.
Please listen responsibly.

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shouting from my soapbox

I saw an article this morning on Scary Mommy: Our Kids Don’t Need F@*#ing Pedal Desks, They Need Recess.
A Kentucky kindergarten teacher got a $12,000.00 grant to install ‘pedal desks’ in her classroom for (wait for it…) “when kindergartners get tired of sitting still.”

I BEG YOUR PARDON!?! (or: WHAT THE EVER-LOVING F**K!?!)
Kindergartners are five and six years old! Five and six! Is there ever a time when they DO sit still? They need to move their bodies! Their brain development relies on that!! How can they be expected to learn anything ‘strapped’ to a desk?
Is this simply another example of the misunderstanding about recess? Recess is about social interactions and imaginative play in addition to movement and exercise. Some of the most important social-emotional development happens when children play together freely.
Recess is a time for unstructured play. Children learn to respect and appreciate each other’s feelings by cooperating and taking turns. They understand that there is a natural give and take to play. If play is designed by one child and doesn’t evolve in a way the all the children like, two things can happen. They’ll either walk away which forces the change in play or they will discuss the changes they’d like to see. More often than not, the entire group will work together to create play that pleases everyone. These children practice negotiation and cooperation without even realizing it.
I’ve focused on social and emotional development and completely ignored the benefits of play to gross and fine motor development. But that seems more obvious to me.

Children need to move their bodies fairly regularly! I’m forty four years old and need to move mine often!
A classroom can and should be a place where you can move about and have different kinds of learning centers.
I know it’s hard to “meet each child where s/he is” but it’s easy to create a safe and authentic learning environment where students and teachers can move their bodies to help the teaching and learning process.

I started kindergarten in our country’s bicentennial year. I realize things have changed since then.
I remember my kindergarten class had a housekeeping area, a “writing center”, dress-ups, blocks and interlocking bricks for math. Sometimes we sat in chairs at big tables and other times we sat in a circle “Indian style” on carpet squares. We got read to and we honed our social skills through play. I could already read and write when I started kindergarten, but that’s just me. I remember loving being at school. It was fun and I actually realized I was learning. I was in half-day kindergarten and there was time for learning, snack, AND recess!

Thing 1 and Thing 2 had individual desks and chairs in their kindergarten classes. But they were grouped into fours in the center of the room to make room for the play based learning centers. Interestingly they were similar to the ones I talked about in my kindergarten classroom. There was a math center with big and little blocks and clocks to play with. I loved that! Little and big hands to move around the numbers. There was a writing center with crayons and markers and colored pencils. (Any scribbling is the beginning of writing.) There was a little kitchen and a mirror and babies.
Thing 1 was in kindergarten twenty three years after I was and there was still learning through play in kindergarten classrooms. Her teacher told me: I need them to walk into my classroom and be able to recognize their name and write it in some way that I can read it, even if it’s not right. I need them to be able to recognize number up to twenty. I need them to know their colors. The rest is up to me and the first grade teachers.
Thing 1 could do all those things, even though she wrote her nine letter name in a mix of capital and lower case letters. She was already reading a little. She was the only white girl in a class of nineteen kids. I was thrilled that she was going to experience that much diversity!
(There were 33 countries represented in our elementary school of 500 students.)

From the pedal desk article:

“Our kids need recess, not pedal desks so they can move while they work like little bots. Seriously, is this real life? Why are kindergartners even sitting in one place long enough to need pedal desks? That’s a question we should be asking ourselves.”

I believe in asking that question. But the people answering it are not educators. They don’t know what’s best for children. Here’s a thought: what if we have educators creating curriculum and education policy? Politicians designing this country’s curriculum can’t see past test scores. Gotta keep up with the Chinese and all that rot.
But in Peter Gray’s article, Give childhood back to children: if we want our offspring to have happy, productive and moral lives, we must allow more time for play, not less, he writes:

“Educators in East Asian nations have increasingly been acknowledging the massive failure of their educational systems. According to the scholar and author Yong Zhao, who is an expert on schools in China, a common Chinese term used to refer to the products of their schools is gaofen dineng, which essentially means good at tests but bad at everything else. Because students spend nearly all of their time studying, they have little opportunity to be creative, discover or pursue their own passions, or develop physical and social skills. Moreover, as revealed by a recent large-scale survey conducted by British and Chinese researchers, Chinese schoolchildren suffer from extraordinarily high levels of anxiety, depression and psychosomatic stress disorders, which appear to be linked to academic pressures and lack of play.”

What’s sad is teachers have no real choice. This woman was trying to make the school day better for FIVE and SIX year olds(!!) while accomplishing the unrealistic and inappropriate goal the government set for when these children leave her classroom.
There is something inherently wrong with this country’s education system. How many lives will be negatively impacted before something changes?
Childhood was snatched away from children. They’re forced to learn and do things at ages when their brains aren’t actually developed to do them. This skips natural and necessary building processes in the brain! And they can’t go play!
My heart breaks.
And my hackles go up!

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the snowy weekend

I saw the first snowflakes begin to fall at 12:30 Friday and finally stop at 10:00 last night.
We shoveled a solid 5″ Friday after dinner. It was already dark out and there was almost an inch of snow on the driveway and sidewalks when we finished. The wind was bitter but that didn’t stop me from grabbing the camera!
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I measured 16″ on the back porch at 8:30 Saturday morning.
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We have the most wonderful neighbor with a snowblower who came and did the driveway and sidewalk to the porch. Made our lives so much easier! We dug out Thing C’s car and shoveled again late in the afternoon.
When we went out this morning we had to dig out the end of our driveway from where the plow came. The snow was almost up to my waist! As soon as we opened a space our neighbor was back to get the last of the snow. Last time it snowed, I made him a giant chicken pot pie. We haven’t yet decided how we’re going to thank him for this huge snow.

Even after all this time, I’m always surprised at how useless Thing G is at anything that requires effort. I was so frustrated at the snow shoveling situation. I got one half of the driveway clear while Thing G wandered aimlessly with a snow shovel in his hands complaining about how cold it was. Thing C, God love that kid. He works hard and never ever complains. He shoveled and shoveled and never once gave up. He did the sidewalk and porch and sidewalk in front of our house all by himself.

I’m fortunate enough to have been brought up by people who made sure I knew how to do practical things. From cars to home repair, to planning and executing most anything “handy”. I can do simple electrical and plumbing work. I know how to hang drywall. I paint like a boss! I can change the oil and tires on a car. I even know how to hotwire a car. (Why my police officer father thought I’d need to know that is curious to me.)
I’m a capable kind of girl.
The former husband used to say that I was “more of a ‘man’ than most men we know”. He meant it as a complement, and he was right.
Being a capable kind of girl is handy and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m not afraid of hard work. I’m not afraid of breaking a sweat or getting dirty. I jump in and get the job done. And I’m an excellent planner. So, when I’m working with less capable people, I get frustrated. I try so hard not to, but I just do.
I don’t understand how someone as smart and capable as YBW chooses not to be handy. I think it was the way he was brought up, apparently his dad kind of jerry-rigged most things and was a bit of a shouter. So he didn’t actually learn how to do these practical things properly. I believe that soured him. He’s not incapable, it’s more like he has no real interest in knowing how to do some of those “handy” things.
I know he likes the creature comforts. He’s not unwilling to try to do these handy things.

I’m sad that none of these boys really has any “sense of adventure”. Nobody wanted to walk in the snow to see what was going on in our neighborhood. Nobody wants to go out and “play”. They’re content to sit in front of computers and televisions. It makes me sad. I want to go out and take some photos. I want to do some back flops off the railing into the snow on the back porch. Nobody wants to play in the snow with me.
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Yesterday after a delicious midday meal of chili and cornbread, (Yummy!) we all went our separate ways in the house. Some of us had worked really hard and deserved a break.

I got Rick Bragg’s new book of essays for Christmas.
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I ran a bath and went with Mr Bragg on a lovely southern journey. Honestly, that bath was the most delicious hot soak I’ve had in ages! I was warm through and through for the first time in two days. It was quiet and peaceful and I read a book I’ve been excited about since it was published in September.
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When the snow stopped at 10:00 last night, I took my last measurement.
Exactly 24″.
Two feet of snow fell in thirty four hours.
How cool is that!?!
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I guess I can be as excited as a little girl about the snow but accept that I’ll be disappointed at the way the snow day goes. I guess I’m remembering snow days from when I was little and when my girls were little. When we worked and played together outside, then came in for hot chocolate and played more together inside. The world isn’t like that anymore. This new family I find myself in isn’t like that. That’s not how they roll.
That’s OK, because I just got a text from my neighbor up the street inviting me to come play with her, her five year old daughter and two year old son!
I’m going to play in the snow. Y’all have a great day!

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a twisted desire to send a thank you note

Once there was a man that broke my heart.
When I say ‘broke my heart’, I mean he ripped out my heart while I watched. Then he stomped on it and kicked it into the corner where he left it for the dust bunnies.

In the aftermath, I was like a junkie without a fix. Shaking and wan, huddled in a ball. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I lost fifteen pounds and only left the house to go to work.

I was broken. I was absolutely pathetic. I believed I was completely unlovable. I was so far down the rabbit hole and I had no real desire to come out.

Then I met YBW. The first time we were together (after dating over the phone and via email and text for several months) he told me: I think I’m falling in love with you.
I didn’t know what to do with that. I wasn’t ready to say it to him. I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. In that moment I decided to trust him. To be completely open and ready for whatever we would experience together.

I would never have been ready to have YBW in my life if I hadn’t lived through that awful time. I would never have been able to trust him or expect him to trust me.

I thought briefly about the man that broke my heart earlier this week. He didn’t deserve me. I was a fool to share my heart. He knows what he’s missing. To be loved by me is unbelievably special. If he hadn’t convinced me that I was unlovable, I would never have been ready to love and be loved by YBW. I had to be dead empty before I could learn to love in an entirely new way.
I felt such gratitude. And a twisted desire to send a thank you note. (I didn’t and won’t.)

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snow!

I’m one of those peculiar grown-ups that loves snow days. I’ve been glued to the news this week in anticipation of the storm that’s heading toward us Friday into Saturday. I’m not crossing my fingers for snow totals just yet. You never know what track the storm is on till it’s on that track. But I’ve been assured there will be a goodly bit of snow in the DC Metro area.
We’re even under a blizzard watch! (That just means high winds with the snow, but it’s still cool!)
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

When did this naming of winter storms begin?
I remember huge storms that shut down everything in 1979 (“President’s Day Storm”) and 1983 (Blizzard of ’83). I was eight and eleven years old for those storms. All that time out of school, my mom home from work. Playing in the snow. Creating huge tunnels and caverns in our yard.
These storms had no names.

The blizzard of ’96 saw the former husband, Thing 1 and I traveling home from Thing 1’s Godparents home in Delaware. We followed huge plow trucks through most of Maryland and across the Wilson Bridge. I look back at that and can’t believe how stupid and careless we were. Thing 1 wasn’t quite two years old. We didn’t have any emergency supplies in the car. We just knew we had to get home. We did. We were perfectly safe. And it’s an adventure we still talk about. But my older and wiser self can’t believe we risked that journey with that much snow with my baby in the car.
This storm had no name.

The Nor’easter in January of 2000 brought tons of snow. The snow was higher than Thing 2 who hadn’t yet turned three. Thing 1 had a blast out in our yard! Thing 2 only went out after we had cleared paths for her to walk through. If I recall correctly, Sundance, Girlie Thing and Boy Thing got snowed in with us that time. I’m absolutely positive I made more snowcream and hot chocolate then than I have before or since.
This storm had no name.

I missed the snow in 2010. I was still down in South Cackalacky. They called it “Snowmaggedon” but that’s not really an official name.

This impeding storm is being called “Winter Storm Jonas”. WTF? Why does it have to have a name? Can’t we just remember the blizzard conditions of that huge storm in January of 2016?
Naming winter storms seems utterly ridiculous to me.
Let me tell you something. I’ll not be calling it “Winter Storm Jonas”.

The boys come home from their mom’s Friday. I’m equally excited and disappointed by this.
Part of me wants to be snowed in with just YBW. Sundance was teasing me about just wanting to run loose naked during the snow.
It’s not that. It’s that I’m selfish. I love that feeling of being just we two against the elements. I love that we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to. I love that we can do whatever it is we’d like. And yes, a fair bit of nudity wouldn’t suck.
But with the boys here it’s different. They’re not terribly active humans and won’t want to go out and play in the snow. I don’t know if they were with their peers they’d be more inclined to play in the snow.
Thing C, God love him. He’ll help shovel or whatever without complaint because he’s just a good guy.
It makes me sad. I always feel like a little girl when it snows and want to play! These are not the ‘kids’ to do that. Thing G won’t leave his computer unless we hold a gun to his head. Thing C will watch TV or be on his computer. YBW will watch TV or be on his computer. Which means I’ll be reading, writing or watching TV too. Now, that’s not all bad…it will be blizzard conditions.

I’m gonna go out and play in the snow with or without these boys. I’ll pretend I’m a little girl and play play play!
I’ll make snowcream and hot chocolate and watch the snow fall.
I absolutely love when it snows!

Can you hear me singing?
I’ll soon be there with snow…
I’ll wash my hair with snow…
And with a spade of snow…
I’ll build a man that’s made of snow…
Go to sleep and dream of snow…

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blogger recognition award

blogger recognition award

I’d like to thank Hummingbird Redemption for nominating me for this award! I enjoy reading about your point of view on the world around you.

Here are the Rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you.
(Done and done.)

Provide a link to the award creator.
(The award creator is a mystery to me.)

Nominate other bloggers.
(Keep reading and you’ll see them.)

State why you started your blog.
(I’ve been a writer since I could hold a pencil in my hand. I started my blog because I wanted to share my experiences and learn from other’s experiences. I just love the idea of teaching and learning, laughing and crying together.)

The Nominees:
(In no particular order.)

Spring into Summer
(Elizabeth is an inspiration!)

Gosh This Divorce
(I have loved every moment of being on this journey with her.)

Thoughts Appear
(Thoughtsy brings so much fun to the table.)

JackCollier7
(Reading Jack’s words makes my heart happy and ache in the best possible way.)

Ginger’s Grocery
(“Ginjuh” has a wicked sense of humor.)

witlessdatingafterfifty
(Robin’s words always move me.)

Most of these blogs have more readers than mine. (Deservedly so.) But if you don’t know them, check them out. I promise it’ll be worth it.

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accepting the new way of being

I’ve been home since September. With the exception of the wedding and Christmas, I haven’t really ‘done’ that much. I have these moments of inspiration. To paint the kitchen cabinets. To paint the bedroom. To rearrange the way we store things.
These moments of inspiration make me feel enthusiastic and purposeful!
I quite like it.
The moment I prep myself to consider tackling one of these projects I’m hit with the full realization that my brain is fighting against the rest of my body. I have the energy and the desire to step up. But every time I swing the bat, BAM! I’m hit full force with the pain I so successfully ignore while executing simple daily tasks.

I felt like I’d be at home and rest and heal and still get things done.
I’m considering forcing myself to begin a project. I’m excellent at finishing what I start. So by forcing myself to begin a project I know I’ll have to finish it. But, how will that impact the way I feel? What will that do to the healing process?
Let’s get real. I don’t really think I’m healing. I think this is just how it is. I’ve lived with pain before. I can do it again.
I’m sick and tired of waiting. Putting everything aside until I feel well.
I might not ever feel well again. Acceptance is key.
I accept that I might not “get better”. But I’m tired of putting my life on hold because of it. I’m just going to suck it up and do the things I choose to accomplish.
I will simply learn to function in this new way of being.

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soulmates

Thing 2 and I were trading Arrested Development quips back and forth via text. In response to what I’d just sent her she wrote: I do that ALL the time and nobody gets it :/
I wrote: You and I need to run away together and never look back.
Thing 2: Awh, Momma! ❤
Me: It might be crazy, but sometimes I think you’re the only person that really understands me.
Thing 2: Aww..Momma ❤ I love you
(then stuff that was precious but isn’t exactly relevant)
Thing 2: I wish I could be your mom more.

I find it ridiculously comforting that my child wants to be my mother. She is a great nurturer. She will be a mom who finds joy in her kids. She will be a foul-mouthed mom that reminds her kids “don’t say that word outside of this house or car”.
I remember being loved by my mother, but not really nurtured by her. Thing 2 is a much better nurturer than Mommie was. I would love for her to be my mom. Can we really be each other’s mom?

I honestly wonder if Thing 2 is my soulmate.

I’ve always maintained that Sundance is my soulmate. We have always said we are two halves of one. I don’t believe that has changed.
But I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t somehow create my own soulmate. Literally give birth to her. I suspect Sundance and Girlie Thing might be soulmates too. And though Sundance and I are still two halves of one, perhaps we created the souls we are meant to attach ourselves to.

I don’t know. I may be completely off base. Is it strange to think you create your soulmate? It doesn’t’ seem strange to me. It seems perfectly natural.
Though I might not be the best barometer for what is or is not strange.

I believe people are in our lives for a specific reason. We may never know what that reason actually is. I believe we build relationships to help us find what our soul may be lacking. Sometimes it’s simple things that can be gathered easily and the relationship goes as quickly as it began. Sometimes it takes much longer to share souls.

A long time ago, I read an interesting concept of soulmates. It went something like this: Your soulmate isn’t that person who completes you, that you’re meant to be with above all others. Your soulmate is that one who jumpstarts you and shakes you to your core so that you can open up and receive more. You’re not meant to be with that person forever because it would be exhausting.
(I can’t for the life of me remember where I read this.)

I’m not sure I agree with this concept of soulmate. It sounds more like a way to feel better about failed relationships.
I don’t think soulmates have to be your significant other.

I love YBW differently than I’ve ever loved any man in my life. I accept his love differently than any other man in my life. But I don’t believe he is my soulmate. I believe we came together when we were supposed to. I believe that he is the man with whom I am supposed to be.
Believing (and saying) he isn’t my soulmate does not in any way diminish our relationship. Actually, I feel that not believing it makes our relationship even better. We are making a choice to be together.
I digress…

Soulmate. Is there just one? Can Sundance and I be two halves of one and Thing 2 be my soulmate? Do we create our own soulmate? Is it just that Thing 2 and I so alike? Is simply our closeness?
That girl is a part of me. Maybe that’s not a soulmate. Maybe that is simply our bond.

That said, I don’t feel the same way about Thing 1. I love her. She is the human personification of every hope and dream I ever had. But I don’t feel that natural closeness. Even when she was a little girl, we loved, but we were not “on the same page”.
Sundance is the same way with Boy Thing. She loves him. But they’re not connected the way she and Girlie Thing are. It’s easy to say it’s because he’s a boy. But I don’t think that’s why.

Aristophanes tells of humans as having four legs and arms and two heads. He tells that Zeus was concerned that because of their strength, they might rise up against the Gods. So he cuts them in half to weaken them. What he doesn’t count on is their instinctive desire to reunite with the half that was taken from them.
Is that just our lot in human life?
I find it curious. Mostly I find it sad. Doomed to wander, forever searching for your missing half? No wonder we sometimes make crap relationship choices.

I feel like souls are somehow drawn to each other. Not out of desperation, but out of desire to share and experience. I believe souls teach and learn together.
I believe souls connect because they were meant to.

Whether or not my second born is my soulmate doesn’t really matter. What matters is that our souls know each other. That they live and learn and love together.
We are blessed to share and experience without the confines of labels.

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I look good

The Divine Miss M for your Monday morning enjoyment.

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it’s as simple as that

I worry that my brain will never get better.
I’m damn tired of being in pain. I’m sick of feeling tired all the time.
I keep thinking my brain must get it together and heal itself. But it doesn’t seem to give a damn. Sundance and I were talking about it yesterday. I told her I don’t even tell YBW how my head is feeling anymore because it’s chronically painful and I don’t want him to worry about it.

Is this just the new way of being?
Of course the constant low pressure weather systems that have been hanging over the mid-Atlantic only make it worse.
I’m being a whiny crybaby. But I’m so damn tired of feeling like this.

Perhaps writing it down and getting it “out” is helpful?
I don’t know.
Am I simply grouchy? (it’s possible)
Do I long to see the sun? (Good Lord, YES!)

Being alone during the day isn’t good for me emotionally. I’m acutely aware of that. But I feel like hell all the time…that doesn’t bode well for doing anything productive.
It’s been since September that I’ve had a job. It’s time. I can’t stay home any longer. It’s taking a negative toll on YBW financially. It’s taking a negative toll on me emotionally.
It seems ridiculous that I never feel well enough. Can I go to work and have my head hurt all day long? (pourquoi pas?)
What I’m most passionate about, I can’t really do successfully if it compromises my health. (au revior, early childhood education)

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and stop whining. This brain swelling isn’t going to kill me…it would have done it by now if it was going to. It really might be the new way of being. So, I get used to the new and different chronic pain and live my life around it. I just quit whining and as Mommie used to say: ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and get it together.

velvet jones
Eddie Murphy’s Velvet Jones says: “It’s as simple as that.”

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