a twisted desire to send a thank you note

Once there was a man that broke my heart.
When I say ‘broke my heart’, I mean he ripped out my heart while I watched. Then he stomped on it and kicked it into the corner where he left it for the dust bunnies.

In the aftermath, I was like a junkie without a fix. Shaking and wan, huddled in a ball. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I lost fifteen pounds and only left the house to go to work.

I was broken. I was absolutely pathetic. I believed I was completely unlovable. I was so far down the rabbit hole and I had no real desire to come out.

Then I met YBW. The first time we were together (after dating over the phone and via email and text for several months) he told me: I think I’m falling in love with you.
I didn’t know what to do with that. I wasn’t ready to say it to him. I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. In that moment I decided to trust him. To be completely open and ready for whatever we would experience together.

I would never have been ready to have YBW in my life if I hadn’t lived through that awful time. I would never have been able to trust him or expect him to trust me.

I thought briefly about the man that broke my heart earlier this week. He didn’t deserve me. I was a fool to share my heart. He knows what he’s missing. To be loved by me is unbelievably special. If he hadn’t convinced me that I was unlovable, I would never have been ready to love and be loved by YBW. I had to be dead empty before I could learn to love in an entirely new way.
I felt such gratitude. And a twisted desire to send a thank you note. (I didn’t and won’t.)

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Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “a twisted desire to send a thank you note

  1. If a guy like that received your note, I don’t think it would mean anything to him. On the other hand, why not send a ‘thank you’ card anyway?

    • You’re absolutely right, it would be meaningless to him.
      I’d be doing it for myself. But it’s not worth the effort. I’ll just be content in the knowledge that I’m where I belong while he will always be searching for…something.

  2. I understand what you mean as I have FINALLY come to that conclusion … that I really need to thank the one for breaking my heart as (in the end) it has given me a better life than being with him. Even though for me, that is being alone at this point, that is still better than being with someone who could dare to “rip out my heart, stomp on it, kick it into the corner and leave it for the dust bunnies” … who could do that to anyone.

    • I know your journey has been hard, but Ii see how much you’ve grown just by reading your writing. You are spectacular! I want to thank the one who broke your heart for helping you become such an inspiration. I also want to kick him in his face…but that’s another thing entirely.
      In the particular case of the one who broke my heart, it’s that he adores and is afraid of women in equal parts. He has no idea how to be in a relationship.
      Even before YBW, I began to realize I was better off. Even divorcing the former husband was not as bad as that. We do not speak his name, but I thank him for showing me a new way to love.

      • Thanks for your support. I am so happy for you that you are now in a wonderful relationship.

      • I waited my whole life for this man. He told me this morning that today is the 24th, our three month anniversary. He’s a keeper!

  3. So glad you won’t but you used this lesson to help others who may have lost Hope. ♡

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