Posts Tagged With: whiny

patience or self-indulgence?

I was feeling mighty sorry for myself this morning. Filled with sadness and there were so many tears.
Nothing I did eased me.
This thought plagued me: I’m so tired of feeling sad and sorry for myself.

I’m tired of winter. I’m tired of feeling like hell all the time. Will I ever heal?
I’m failing at finding a job. I’m not keeping up with the house. I’m just a pathetic puddle of whininess and I can’t seem to snap myself out of it!

The weather is finally turning. It’s in the 70s today. I brought all the back porch furniture up from the basement and set it up. Filled the fountain and am now sitting out here listening to the water sounds and The Pierces.
20160308_152014.jpg

Thing 2 and I were texting this morning during my sadness. She was kind and reassuring. (I guess today it was her turn to be the Mommy.)
I thanked her and she replied: Of course, Momma ❤ you’re always there for me and I’m here for you. I love you ❤ you’re awesome, don’t lose sight of that because things are crappy.

A bit later I really lost patience with myself and sent this: Shame on me all weepy and whiny when I think about (the young man) being sick and what (that family) is going through I want to slap myself.

She came back with this: Hey now, don’t do that to yourself. Everyone has stuff going on. Yes, their shit is really big and really stinky right now but that doesn’t mean that your shit isn’t any easier or less important. It’s the biggest thing in your world right now so you can’t compare it.

Me: Why are you so wise? How? You truly amaze me.

Thing 2: I may not know a lot about everything but I do know a little bit about a lot of things. And that is something I have always told everyone and will always stick in my head, because that is the truest thing. So feel bad for them and love them, but do not feel guilty because you are “better off” but still feeling bad for yourself.

Me: Thank you! My God, you are amazing!

Thing 2: I try? I don’t see what the big deal is, it just makes sense to me.

Me: It makes total sense. It’s a wisdom that most people your age don’t possess. I have always known you are special. But sometimes you do something that goes beyond.

Thing 2: I am flattered. Thank you.

How does she have that wisdom?
How does she know that it’s OK for me to be miserable even though people I love have worse things to be miserable about?

I wasn’t even excited about the washer and dryer coming. I cannot stress how important it is to note that.
I took pics when they were delivered.
I wrote a blog post about it.
Even though these new machines are a great and wonderful gift, and even though I’ve used them with gusto this afternoon, I have little joy. The underlying sadness is digging in it’s heels.

It’s time for this to stop, it’s gone on too long. I’m beginning to wonder if I can snap out of it. How long before patience becomes self-indulgence?
Perhaps I need one of two things. The first being a swift spiritual kick to the head. The second is to breathe new air. (That’s one of my favorite phrases my friend and mentor says.)
I don’t know. I’m breathing breezy porch air right now…think that’ll help?

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Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

it’s as simple as that

I worry that my brain will never get better.
I’m damn tired of being in pain. I’m sick of feeling tired all the time.
I keep thinking my brain must get it together and heal itself. But it doesn’t seem to give a damn. Sundance and I were talking about it yesterday. I told her I don’t even tell YBW how my head is feeling anymore because it’s chronically painful and I don’t want him to worry about it.

Is this just the new way of being?
Of course the constant low pressure weather systems that have been hanging over the mid-Atlantic only make it worse.
I’m being a whiny crybaby. But I’m so damn tired of feeling like this.

Perhaps writing it down and getting it “out” is helpful?
I don’t know.
Am I simply grouchy? (it’s possible)
Do I long to see the sun? (Good Lord, YES!)

Being alone during the day isn’t good for me emotionally. I’m acutely aware of that. But I feel like hell all the time…that doesn’t bode well for doing anything productive.
It’s been since September that I’ve had a job. It’s time. I can’t stay home any longer. It’s taking a negative toll on YBW financially. It’s taking a negative toll on me emotionally.
It seems ridiculous that I never feel well enough. Can I go to work and have my head hurt all day long? (pourquoi pas?)
What I’m most passionate about, I can’t really do successfully if it compromises my health. (au revior, early childhood education)

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and stop whining. This brain swelling isn’t going to kill me…it would have done it by now if it was going to. It really might be the new way of being. So, I get used to the new and different chronic pain and live my life around it. I just quit whining and as Mommie used to say: ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and get it together.

velvet jones
Eddie Murphy’s Velvet Jones says: “It’s as simple as that.”

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

this whiny crybaby needs a waaambulance

I have poison sumac…or ivy…or oak. (I’m almost sure it’s sumac.) I have it on both my arms, my right thigh, the lower part of my left leg, my belly and my face. I will no longer engage plant life…accursed bastards.
I am a miserable whiny crybaby and I’m not ashamed to show it. (show it, show it, show it)

I went to the doctor today because my arms are burning as though I’ve been doused with gasoline and I can’t even hug my little school friends for the pain. He gave me the GIANT prednisone pack, which I promptly brought home, showed to YBW and said, “Do you see this big ass bunch of steroids? I have to take this for the next twelve days, I might become unpleasant to be around.” He smiled. I immediately said, “And please don’t say something like ‘more so than usual?’ because I don’t think I can handle it right now.” And then I started to cry.
Sweet YBW hugged me and kissed the nonleperyish (It IS a word, dammit!) part of my forehead and was silent. All I could think was, ‘Thank you, my darling for being the perfect you in this moment.’

I wanted to crawl into my bed and watch Funny Face, Audrey would help me feel better…but I wrote a paper instead. Responsible Robynbird won that round…but now it’s been submitted and I’m going to get Audrey, Fred, and the sensational Kay Thompson and get in my bed…Bonjour Paris!

OH! And if it isn’t bad enough that I have freaky burning-pain useless arms I was peed on by one of my friends today…when I say he peed on me, I don’t mean a dribble I mean I was soaked from my right breast all the way down to my hip.
I did not cry. But I wanted to.

Think pink when you shop for summer clothes…On how to be lovely…I love your funny face, your sunny funny face…s’wonderful, s’marvelous that you should care for me…Clap yo’ hands slap yo’ thigh…He loves and she loves…

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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