me

a twisted desire to send a thank you note

Posted on January 21, 2016 by robynbird

Once there was a man that broke my heart.
When I say ‘broke my heart’, I mean he ripped out my heart while I watched. Then he stomped on it and kicked it into the corner where he left it for the dust bunnies.

In the aftermath, I was like a junkie without a fix. Shaking and wan, huddled in a ball. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I lost fifteen pounds and only left the house to go to work.

I was broken. I was absolutely pathetic. I believed I was completely unlovable. I was so far down the rabbit hole and I had no real desire to come out.

Then I met YBW. The first time we were together (after dating over the phone and via email and text for several months) he told me: I think I’m falling in love with you.
I didn’t know what to do with that. I wasn’t ready to say it to him. I was overwhelmed, but in a good way. In that moment I decided to trust him. To be completely open and ready for whatever we would experience together.

I would never have been ready to have YBW in my life if I hadn’t lived through that awful time. I would never have been able to trust him or expect him to trust me.

I thought briefly about the man that broke my heart earlier this week. He didn’t deserve me. I was a fool to share my heart. He knows what he’s missing. To be loved by me is unbelievably special. If he hadn’t convinced me that I was unlovable, I would never have been ready to love and be loved by YBW. I had to be dead empty before I could learn to love in an entirely new way.
I felt such gratitude. And a twisted desire to send a thank you note. (I didn’t and won’t.)

Categories: me | Tags: bad relationship, down the rabbit hole, gratitude, heartbroken, learning to grow, love, pain, pain leads to growth, sadness, trust, YBW | 8 Comments

snow!

Posted on January 20, 2016 by robynbird

I’m one of those peculiar grown-ups that loves snow days. I’ve been glued to the news this week in anticipation of the storm that’s heading toward us Friday into Saturday. I’m not crossing my fingers for snow totals just yet. You never know what track the storm is on till it’s on that track. But I’ve been assured there will be a goodly bit of snow in the DC Metro area.
We’re even under a blizzard watch! (That just means high winds with the snow, but it’s still cool!)
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

When did this naming of winter storms begin?
I remember huge storms that shut down everything in 1979 (“President’s Day Storm”) and 1983 (Blizzard of ’83). I was eight and eleven years old for those storms. All that time out of school, my mom home from work. Playing in the snow. Creating huge tunnels and caverns in our yard.
These storms had no names.

The blizzard of ’96 saw the former husband, Thing 1 and I traveling home from Thing 1’s Godparents home in Delaware. We followed huge plow trucks through most of Maryland and across the Wilson Bridge. I look back at that and can’t believe how stupid and careless we were. Thing 1 wasn’t quite two years old. We didn’t have any emergency supplies in the car. We just knew we had to get home. We did. We were perfectly safe. And it’s an adventure we still talk about. But my older and wiser self can’t believe we risked that journey with that much snow with my baby in the car.
This storm had no name.

The Nor’easter in January of 2000 brought tons of snow. The snow was higher than Thing 2 who hadn’t yet turned three. Thing 1 had a blast out in our yard! Thing 2 only went out after we had cleared paths for her to walk through. If I recall correctly, Sundance, Girlie Thing and Boy Thing got snowed in with us that time. I’m absolutely positive I made more snowcream and hot chocolate then than I have before or since.
This storm had no name.

I missed the snow in 2010. I was still down in South Cackalacky. They called it “Snowmaggedon” but that’s not really an official name.

This impeding storm is being called “Winter Storm Jonas”. WTF? Why does it have to have a name? Can’t we just remember the blizzard conditions of that huge storm in January of 2016?
Naming winter storms seems utterly ridiculous to me.
Let me tell you something. I’ll not be calling it “Winter Storm Jonas”.

The boys come home from their mom’s Friday. I’m equally excited and disappointed by this.
Part of me wants to be snowed in with just YBW. Sundance was teasing me about just wanting to run loose naked during the snow.
It’s not that. It’s that I’m selfish. I love that feeling of being just we two against the elements. I love that we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to. I love that we can do whatever it is we’d like. And yes, a fair bit of nudity wouldn’t suck.
But with the boys here it’s different. They’re not terribly active humans and won’t want to go out and play in the snow. I don’t know if they were with their peers they’d be more inclined to play in the snow.
Thing C, God love him. He’ll help shovel or whatever without complaint because he’s just a good guy.
It makes me sad. I always feel like a little girl when it snows and want to play! These are not the ‘kids’ to do that. Thing G won’t leave his computer unless we hold a gun to his head. Thing C will watch TV or be on his computer. YBW will watch TV or be on his computer. Which means I’ll be reading, writing or watching TV too. Now, that’s not all bad…it will be blizzard conditions.

I’m gonna go out and play in the snow with or without these boys. I’ll pretend I’m a little girl and play play play!
I’ll make snowcream and hot chocolate and watch the snow fall.
I absolutely love when it snows!

Can you hear me singing?
I’ll soon be there with snow…
I’ll wash my hair with snow…
And with a spade of snow…
I’ll build a man that’s made of snow…
Go to sleep and dream of snow…

Categories: me | Tags: bing crosby, blizzard, Danny Kaye, fun, go to sleep and dream of snow, hot chocolate, irving berlin, joy, love, play, rosemary clooney, snow, snow day, snowcream, snowed in, snowstorm, vera ellen, wash my hair with snow, winter storm jonas | 2 Comments

blogger recognition award

Posted on January 20, 2016 by robynbird

I’d like to thank Hummingbird Redemption for nominating me for this award! I enjoy reading about your point of view on the world around you.

Here are the Rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you.
(Done and done.)

Provide a link to the award creator.
(The award creator is a mystery to me.)

Nominate other bloggers.
(Keep reading and you’ll see them.)

State why you started your blog.
(I’ve been a writer since I could hold a pencil in my hand. I started my blog because I wanted to share my experiences and learn from other’s experiences. I just love the idea of teaching and learning, laughing and crying together.)

The Nominees:
(In no particular order.)

Spring into Summer
(Elizabeth is an inspiration!)

Gosh This Divorce
(I have loved every moment of being on this journey with her.)

Thoughts Appear
(Thoughtsy brings so much fun to the table.)

JackCollier7
(Reading Jack’s words makes my heart happy and ache in the best possible way.)

Ginger’s Grocery
(“Ginjuh” has a wicked sense of humor.)

witlessdatingafterfifty
(Robin’s words always move me.)

Most of these blogs have more readers than mine. (Deservedly so.) But if you don’t know them, check them out. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Categories: me | Tags: blog, blogger recognition award, blogging, Ginger's Grocery, Gosh this Divorce, gratitude, JackCollier7, pay it forward, Spring into Summer, thanks, Thoughts Appear, witlessdatingafterfifty, writer, writing | 2 Comments

accepting the new way of being

Posted on January 17, 2016 by robynbird

I’ve been home since September. With the exception of the wedding and Christmas, I haven’t really ‘done’ that much. I have these moments of inspiration. To paint the kitchen cabinets. To paint the bedroom. To rearrange the way we store things.
These moments of inspiration make me feel enthusiastic and purposeful!
I quite like it.
The moment I prep myself to consider tackling one of these projects I’m hit with the full realization that my brain is fighting against the rest of my body. I have the energy and the desire to step up. But every time I swing the bat, BAM! I’m hit full force with the pain I so successfully ignore while executing simple daily tasks.

I felt like I’d be at home and rest and heal and still get things done.
I’m considering forcing myself to begin a project. I’m excellent at finishing what I start. So by forcing myself to begin a project I know I’ll have to finish it. But, how will that impact the way I feel? What will that do to the healing process?
Let’s get real. I don’t really think I’m healing. I think this is just how it is. I’ve lived with pain before. I can do it again.
I’m sick and tired of waiting. Putting everything aside until I feel well.
I might not ever feel well again. Acceptance is key.
I accept that I might not “get better”. But I’m tired of putting my life on hold because of it. I’m just going to suck it up and do the things I choose to accomplish.
I will simply learn to function in this new way of being.

Categories: me | Tags: brain healing, brain swelling, chronic headache, chronic pain, excitement, frustration, headache, inspiration, inspired | 3 Comments

soulmates

Posted on January 16, 2016 by robynbird

Thing 2 and I were trading Arrested Development quips back and forth via text. In response to what I’d just sent her she wrote: I do that ALL the time and nobody gets it
I wrote: You and I need to run away together and never look back.
Thing 2: Awh, Momma! ❤
Me: It might be crazy, but sometimes I think you’re the only person that really understands me.
Thing 2: Aww..Momma ❤ I love you
(then stuff that was precious but isn’t exactly relevant)
Thing 2: I wish I could be your mom more.

I find it ridiculously comforting that my child wants to be my mother. She is a great nurturer. She will be a mom who finds joy in her kids. She will be a foul-mouthed mom that reminds her kids “don’t say that word outside of this house or car”.
I remember being loved by my mother, but not really nurtured by her. Thing 2 is a much better nurturer than Mommie was. I would love for her to be my mom. Can we really be each other’s mom?

I honestly wonder if Thing 2 is my soulmate.

I’ve always maintained that Sundance is my soulmate. We have always said we are two halves of one. I don’t believe that has changed.
But I’m beginning to wonder if I didn’t somehow create my own soulmate. Literally give birth to her. I suspect Sundance and Girlie Thing might be soulmates too. And though Sundance and I are still two halves of one, perhaps we created the souls we are meant to attach ourselves to.

I don’t know. I may be completely off base. Is it strange to think you create your soulmate? It doesn’t’ seem strange to me. It seems perfectly natural.
Though I might not be the best barometer for what is or is not strange.

I believe people are in our lives for a specific reason. We may never know what that reason actually is. I believe we build relationships to help us find what our soul may be lacking. Sometimes it’s simple things that can be gathered easily and the relationship goes as quickly as it began. Sometimes it takes much longer to share souls.

A long time ago, I read an interesting concept of soulmates. It went something like this: Your soulmate isn’t that person who completes you, that you’re meant to be with above all others. Your soulmate is that one who jumpstarts you and shakes you to your core so that you can open up and receive more. You’re not meant to be with that person forever because it would be exhausting.
(I can’t for the life of me remember where I read this.)

I’m not sure I agree with this concept of soulmate. It sounds more like a way to feel better about failed relationships.
I don’t think soulmates have to be your significant other.

I love YBW differently than I’ve ever loved any man in my life. I accept his love differently than any other man in my life. But I don’t believe he is my soulmate. I believe we came together when we were supposed to. I believe that he is the man with whom I am supposed to be.
Believing (and saying) he isn’t my soulmate does not in any way diminish our relationship. Actually, I feel that not believing it makes our relationship even better. We are making a choice to be together.
I digress…

Soulmate. Is there just one? Can Sundance and I be two halves of one and Thing 2 be my soulmate? Do we create our own soulmate? Is it just that Thing 2 and I so alike? Is simply our closeness?
That girl is a part of me. Maybe that’s not a soulmate. Maybe that is simply our bond.

That said, I don’t feel the same way about Thing 1. I love her. She is the human personification of every hope and dream I ever had. But I don’t feel that natural closeness. Even when she was a little girl, we loved, but we were not “on the same page”.
Sundance is the same way with Boy Thing. She loves him. But they’re not connected the way she and Girlie Thing are. It’s easy to say it’s because he’s a boy. But I don’t think that’s why.

Aristophanes tells of humans as having four legs and arms and two heads. He tells that Zeus was concerned that because of their strength, they might rise up against the Gods. So he cuts them in half to weaken them. What he doesn’t count on is their instinctive desire to reunite with the half that was taken from them.
Is that just our lot in human life?
I find it curious. Mostly I find it sad. Doomed to wander, forever searching for your missing half? No wonder we sometimes make crap relationship choices.

I feel like souls are somehow drawn to each other. Not out of desperation, but out of desire to share and experience. I believe souls teach and learn together.
I believe souls connect because they were meant to.

Whether or not my second born is my soulmate doesn’t really matter. What matters is that our souls know each other. That they live and learn and love together.
We are blessed to share and experience without the confines of labels.

Categories: me | Tags: Aristophanes, being connected, Boy Thing, connections, Girlie Thing, good mom, love, mother, mothers and daughters, mythology, normal, nurturer, nurturing, Plato, Plato's symposium, relationships, soulmate, strange, Sundance, Thing 1, Thing 2, two halves of one, YBW, Zeus | 3 Comments

I look good

Posted on January 11, 2016 by robynbird

The Divine Miss M for your Monday morning enjoyment.

Categories: me | Tags: Bette Midler, Diva Las Vegas, Divine Miss M, fun, I look good, music, sassy | 4 Comments

it’s as simple as that

Posted on January 9, 2016 by robynbird

I worry that my brain will never get better.
I’m damn tired of being in pain. I’m sick of feeling tired all the time.
I keep thinking my brain must get it together and heal itself. But it doesn’t seem to give a damn. Sundance and I were talking about it yesterday. I told her I don’t even tell YBW how my head is feeling anymore because it’s chronically painful and I don’t want him to worry about it.

Is this just the new way of being?
Of course the constant low pressure weather systems that have been hanging over the mid-Atlantic only make it worse.
I’m being a whiny crybaby. But I’m so damn tired of feeling like this.

Perhaps writing it down and getting it “out” is helpful?
I don’t know.
Am I simply grouchy? (it’s possible)
Do I long to see the sun? (Good Lord, YES!)

Being alone during the day isn’t good for me emotionally. I’m acutely aware of that. But I feel like hell all the time…that doesn’t bode well for doing anything productive.
It’s been since September that I’ve had a job. It’s time. I can’t stay home any longer. It’s taking a negative toll on YBW financially. It’s taking a negative toll on me emotionally.
It seems ridiculous that I never feel well enough. Can I go to work and have my head hurt all day long? (pourquoi pas?)
What I’m most passionate about, I can’t really do successfully if it compromises my health. (au revior, early childhood education)

Perhaps I just need to suck it up and stop whining. This brain swelling isn’t going to kill me…it would have done it by now if it was going to. It really might be the new way of being. So, I get used to the new and different chronic pain and live my life around it. I just quit whining and as Mommie used to say: ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and get it together.

Eddie Murphy’s Velvet Jones says: “It’s as simple as that.”

Categories: me | Tags: anxiety, brain, brain healing, brain swelling, chronic pain, crybaby, early childhood education, eddie murphy, get it together, grouchy, I'm going to need for you to get it together, it's as simple as that, pain, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, saturday night live, snl, suck it up, tired, velvet jones, whiny | 11 Comments

goodbye, Why Not?

Posted on January 8, 2016 by robynbird

Sundance texted me Tuesday evening: I’m going into mourning. Why Not? is closing.
My response: Oh NO! Saddest face.
Sundance: I just saw it on the news! We need to go check it out.
Me: I’m wide open Friday. Can you go then?
Sundance: I believe so.
Me: Sold!
Sundance: Boo yah!

So I picked her up this morning and we headed into Old Town Alexandria.

Why Not? Is a toy store on the corner of King and Lee Streets that we have been shopping at for more than twenty years.
I can’t tell you how many times we’ve taken any number of our four kids into the store to climb the steep and narrow stairs to the all important Groovy Girls/Playmobil/book section.
Thing 2 and Girlie Thing had so many pairs of adorably patterned tights from Why Not?
We’ve bought more books from Why Not? than from Amazon in the last twenty years.

Why Not? has been there on the corner for more than 50 years!

It is heart breaking to know that an independent toy shop just can’t keep up in the day and age of Amazon and Target, etc. Not to mention, it’s probably time for the owner to retire.

I am filled with sadness this afternoon. But I am also flooded with the happiest memories of being in that shop with my girls. Of sneaking down to Old Town when the girls were at school to do a little Christmas or Birthday shopping. Of piling into the car to see the windows decorated for the holidays.

Sundance has been coveting this little dolly for almost two years. It’s made in France and she saw it for over $100.00 at another toy shop. It was $74.00 at Why Not? and everything in the store was 30% off.

That little brown haired dolly had a red haired sister!

We decided we needed them desperately…but not enough to actually buy them. Our grown-up brains overrode our dolly needing little girl brains.
‘It was just Christmas. I don’t have a job. Blah blah blah.’
We discussed how my Mommie would have convinced us there is always money for a new dolly. Made us miss her. Sundance talked to her mom after I dropped her off at home, she told her we should have bought the dollies. So much for us being grown-ups.

I did purchase a children’s book.

It’s about girl power, I absolutely couldn’t pass it up!

Sundance bought two little teeny angel dollies. One for me and one for her.

I LOOOOOOOVE her!

My sadness runs deeper than I expected. It feels like a part of all the Things childhood has died. Luckily, they’re big kids now. They have happy memories, and hopefully no sadness.
How lucky are we that Why Not? was in our lives for so long!?!

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | Tags: alexandria, babydolls, books, Boy Thing, children's books, daughters, end of childhood, feelings, fun, Girlie Thing, groovy girls, joy and sadness, king street, lee street, love, old town, parenting, playmobil, sadness, silly, Thing 1, Thing 2, toy shop, toys, why not | Leave a comment

every moment is a blessing

Posted on January 7, 2016 by robynbird

I spent time with my former co-teacher today. She’s going through a particularly vile divorce. It breaks my heart for her and her little daughter. I can’t really do anything to help, all I can do is love them.
But spending time with her today made me appreciate that I’m me and not anyone else. That may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but I cannnot mean it any more.

I’ve been through seriously dreadful times in my life. I’ve been through moments of great wonder. Everything I’ve experienced in my life, every single moment, the good, the bad, the indifferent, has shaped me into who I am right now. Honestly I’m grateful I’ve had all this opportunity to throw so much paint at my life’s great big canvas.

I’ve obviously experienced a great deal of joy, especially recently.
Even the undiagnosed brain swelling is teaching me to remain present by listening carefully to what my body is telling me. Something I’ve not really done before. It’s easy to ignore your body when you’re more focused on everyone else.

I don’t know if my feeling hopeful has me feeling so appreciative of being me or if I’m just glad my troubles have been mine and not the troubles of anyone else. I don’t think it really matters.

We all have moments we would like to hand over to another. Any other. But when it comes right down to it there is always something better or worse being experienced by any other person at those very same moments. I remember this with great humility. My worst moments could be another’s best moments or my best moments could be meaningless to another.

I am grateful for every single one of my moments. I could never be the woman I am if I hadn’t experienced the moments of my life. It may have taken forty four years, but I rather like the woman I am!

Categories: me | Tags: appreciative, blessings, feeling hopeful, focus on self, grateful, health, hopeful, joy, learning from life, life, life canvas, life experiences, life is a great big canvas throw all the paint you can at it, liking yourself, love, loving who you are, moments shape your life, pain | Leave a comment

Hope. (an essay on redhaired girl)

Posted on January 4, 2016 by robynbird

The new year has me thinking.
Thinking about hope.
Which reminds me of ‘An Essay on Man’. Only I’m thinking of it as ‘an essay on redhaired girl’ because I feel hopeful. I don’t know why, but I do feel it with every fiber of my being.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin’d from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
– Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733

In feeling hopeful, I’m considering practical ways that my hope can translate to practicalities in my life, and the lives of the ones I love.

I’m feeling hopeful about my health. That my brain will finally find a way to heal itself. That I can put this struggle to be well behind me. Even though the swelling is no longer increasing because I’m responding well to the meds, my brain is still swollen. I’ve kind of decided this is the new way of being. That may sound a bit defeatist, but that’s not how I mean it. It may simply be acceptance.
I trust that I can have acceptance and hope together.

I’m feeling hopeful for my children.
Thing 1 and fiance N have had a bit of a rough patch. N was hurt on the job and has been out of work for almost a year. They’ve been living with his mother, which has been hard for all of them. He had surgery on his knee and has a clean bill of health from the doctors. This was what they were waiting for. Working with the VA, he’s in a program that helps find a home and new employment. He has a few job leads and they’re moving this week into their new home. The program will also assist in education for a career change, he’s very eager for that.
Thing 1 has a lead on a job working at a horse stable. How wonderful for her to earn a living doing what she loves!
They’re talking paint colors and she’s asking for my help finding things she needs. YBW and I are gifting them a new set of cookware. She’s so excited!
They’re finally getting their life together back in gear.
One thing I love about where they’re living is that it has not just a major state university, but several smaller colleges. I’m hoping this will entice her to go back and finish school.

I’m feeling hopeful for Thing 2. She’s in a living situation that isn’t as positive as it could be and I worry how it impacts her psyche. She’s being the “mom” of so many “lost” young adults and it seems to be sucking the life from her. Interestingly enough, she’s the youngest of all these friends.
She’s finished being stuck and tentatively starting to move forward. Her fear and anxiety are her worst enemies. I’m hopeful that her determination will overtake them and she’ll be stepping into the life she chooses to create for herself.
I have concerns that she isn’t comfortable about going to school. She doesn’t know what she wants to study, she doesn’t want to waste time and money. I don’t care what she goes to school for. Even trade school would be fine with me, a certificate to do whatever is enough that she’ll be able to take good care of herself.
I feel hopeful that with love and support she’ll be able to break the cycle of spinning her wheels. I’m hopeful that she will be able to start working towards creating a new life for herself, even though she’s not sure what she wants. Taking the first steps will get her moving forward and the rest will come as she goes.

I’m hopeful for this life I’m making with YBW. Being married feels a bit different than not being married, but the life we lead is essentially the same. I feel hopeful that we’re heading in the right direction.
We have three “grown” kids and one that’s quickly growing. We need to begin to decide what our life will be like without kids at home. How do we want to live? Maybe even where do we want to live?
I’m hopeful that we can begin planning for our future while we’re working to successfully live in our present.

I long for everyone I love to feel as hopeful as I feel.
I want those of you who read these words to know that I feel hopeful for you.
My heart is filled with love and hope. I wish the same for everyone.