Posts Tagged With: good choices

how a swollen brain can lighten the load

I’ve had a migraine since the day after my birthday. My birthday was the twelfth of this month. The first day I woke without migraine symptoms was Saturday. Saturday was the twenty-third. So for a solid ten days I suffered a migraine.
I’ve experienced migraines since I was too young to say anything other than ‘my tongue is funny’ and then burst into tears holding my head. (One of my auras is that my tongue and lips go numb.) So I’m pretty adept at dealing with the nausea, light and sound sensitivity, and brain crushing pain. I’ve been on pretty much any over the counter med you can think of and prescription meds from imitrex to percocet.

In addition to this migraine, I had swelling in my brain. (Yes, I know this is a migraine symptom, but for some reason the neurologist assured me it was not related.) Stroke runs in my family. My grandmother dropped dead of an aneurysm in her mid fifties. So I have been…a bit concerned about my brain.
I’m taking toradol for the swelling now. (God, it makes me so nauseous!) I’m trying topamax for the first time. (Arrivederci, my beloved Nectar of the Gods. Diet DP tastes like…well I can’t describe it…but it’s absolutely foul.)

I refused to go down the road paved with “what if”…but I do see the road there…and it makes me anxious. This is the only brain I’m ever going to have. I need it! I need to keep it happy and healthy and definitively unswollen(!), thank you very much!
I’m being mindful about taking good care of my brain. Paying attention to stress and keeping my body healthy so my brain can be healthier.
I’m reminded of Dennis from The Python’s Holy Grail, I’m thirty seven! I’m not old!
I keep thinking, I’m forty four! I’m not old!
I’m about to marry the man I waited my whole life to find. I need to be as healthy as humanly possible! My brain has to get it together and remain the proper size so I can have a wonderful rest-of-my-(REALLY-FREAKING-LONG)-life!

I suggested to YBW I leave my job at the end of summer when “summer camp” is over and this group of children move on to their “PreK” class when “school” starts in the Fall. I suggested this rather randomly, out of the blue when we were otherwise engaged in tedious home improvement tasks in our kitchen with our backs to each other listening to the Nats game on the TV in the next room. Turns out that was exactly what we needed to have that pretty serious conversation. He felt pretty strongly that if the last two weeks were an indication of the way the job impacts my health it was time to move along.
I’ve really not been sick since we’ve been together. I think it scared him a little. I know it scared me, and I’ve lived through ever single one of my sicknesses.

I wrote my resignation letter yesterday and when I signed my name the weight that lifted from my chest surprised me. It was bigger than I had ever realized. I’ve needed to lighten this load for so long.
I’ve told my co-teacher. She cried. I’ve told some other teachers, a couple of parents. I told the assistant director. My director is on her honeymoon. She and I will have a conversation when she returns.

I believe I made the best choice for me. For my good health. For my family. And even for the families of the children I teach. I can be with them until they would leave me anyway. (As long as my brain holds out.)
I feel peaceful in my decision.
I feel my body figuring out how to heal itself.
My brain and I have spent every single moment of the last forty four years together we need to keep up the good work.

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circle the wagons

I’m feeling the need to retreat into myself.

Normally, this is not a good feeling for me. It tends to mean I feel overwhelmed and need a break. The idea of a break is sound. The problem is, normally when I experience this feeling, it not only means I’m overwhelmed but also that I’m feeling disconnected.
So the idea of shutting myself in is only good for part of what ails me…the part that needs a little quiet. The disconnected part will suffer this circling of the wagons because it momentarily severs ties to those around me.

I have time to make good choices…I’ve been weighing my options and have decided I can lock myself up with my computer (Because I absolutely have to finish editing the book my holistic doctor asked for help with.) but only for a set period of time.
That’s the quiet.

Now for staying connected.
Yeah…I don’t really give a damn about that right now…which means staying connected must be a priority.

Thing C and Thing G come home from their mom’s today. Of course Thing G has been over our house every single day this week because of a bit of change in his mom’s schedule so it’s not really any different than it’s been all week.
Though it did help me realize how much I’ve come to appreciate those weeks when there isn’t anybody I have to be responsible for in my home.
I was really very sick for four days in the previous week, then back to school without another adult in my classroom, then no real quiet time with or without YBW and now we’re back to the “boys week”.

The quiet can be had…
Even the idea of connecting feels forced, so much so that I have little interest in making the effort.

Interestingly enough, I was considering heading out to see my dad on Sunday, (Talk about being desperate for a connection!) but it felt good when I thought it so I will trust my gut.
Felt, thought and trust…the heart feels, the head thinks, the gut knows what’s up.

Though I might ignore all three and hold up in the quiet for as long as I can stand it. I’m tired and I don’t want to put forth any effort, don’t want to be around anyone…perhaps I’m sick of winter, I have a strong desire to “go out and get the stink blown off” me but it’s just too damn cold for that nonsense.

Editing must come first.
After that, it’s a crap shoot.

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