Posts Tagged With: grace

searching for grace

Posted on September 21, 2022 by robynbird

One day last week a teacher at school asked me how I knew a particular person. I replied that she’s my aunt. How do you know her?
Her ex husband is besties with my cousin, that aunt’s younger son. And she’s known him since she was a teenager.
The teacher asked quietly if I’d spoken to my aunt or uncle lately.
In all honestly, I hadn’t spoken to them since my dad died in 2014.

(Here’s where a bit of backstory is important…
My dad was adopted when he was five year old.
The family who adopted him also had loads of foster kids.
This aunt is married to one of those foster kids. So even though I’m not blood kin to any of these people, that’s how I was raised. One of the foster kids is my uncle, and his wife my aunt.)

As the teacher and I stood in the hallway at school, she told me that my other cousin and his wife were found in their home, deceased victims of gunshot wounds.

I honestly didn’t know how to feel.

I remember the day he was born.
I was ten.
We were at Grandma’s and my uncle came over to share his joy. His first son had been born early that day. I remember being so excited about a baby cousin! I remember hugging my uncle. I remember joyful tears.

I keep thinking about that baby who became that little boy. Who became that teenager who became that grown man.
How could he be gone?

He’s gone because he found out his wife was seeing another man and he shot her.
Then he shot himself.

I didn’t feel equipped to process this information when I spoke to my uncle. All I could do was tell him I loved him.

I keep coming back to a seeming inability to make sense of it.
I keep thinking I wish my dad was here to talk about it with me.

My heart is hurting.
How much pain exists in one to take a life and then one’s own?
I’m actively working to understand.
I’m expressing love and support to my uncle, aunt and cousin.
I’m not at all judging, I’m simply trying to make sense of it.
I’m searching for grace and hoping my family finds peace in their grief.

Categories: me | Tags: death, family, family dynamics, family of origin, grace, grief, loss, pain, peace | 4 Comments

feeling hopeful at the end of the second month

Posted on September 30, 2020 by robynbird

I’m beginning to feel more at home in my own skin.
In my own home.

The first year of teaching is often called survival year.
The first year of anything could probably be called survival year.
This is the end of the second month.
End. Of. The. Second. Month.
Of a survival year.
During a global pandemic.

All the changes came so hard and fast. And came during the strangest possible time.
Pandemic kept us cooped up for safety. And just when that started to feel unbearable, three more people and three dogs joined this household.
Initially it was exciting and new.
Then it was all about getting settled.
Then simple logistics of cohabitating.
How do we make this work? Two small families creating one big family…how can we be both?

Expectations are being ironed out.
Anybody else hear Hamilton in their head?

“I’m past patiently waitin’. I’m passionately mashin’ every expectation. Every action’s an act of creation.”

Just me? OK…
Anyway, we’re beginning to managing expectations. We’re learning how to navigate each other’s personal language. We’re asking what did that mean when you/she/he said that? We’re figuring out how to cohabitate successfully.

I’m used to being alone the majority of my time.
Now I’m never alone.
My daughter is used to being in charge of her own environment.
Now her environment is not her own.
YBW continues his routine of going to work each day.
Now he supports more people.
Husband N is becoming more and more anxious about finding a job.
YBW and I agree he needs gainful employment, we want him to make the best possible choice instead of taking any job because it’s a job.
Baby K alternates between being so delightful it nearly kills us, and being a tiny terrorist demon bent on destruction. (as a toddler do)

And doesn’t even include the chaos of construction in the house.
YBW and I have no access to our own bathroom. And trying to make due with the bare minimum in the hall bathroom is taking it’s toll on me.
I know I’m feeling the stress.
I am acutely aware everybody experiences me feeling the stress.
I do my best to make sure to explain myself and/or apologize if I’m irritable or querulous. (more than normal)

It’s simply too much all at once and my adaption rate is lagging.
To combat this, I am actively carving out time for myself.
I’m reading again. That simple act sparked a change in me. Shifted me from the back of my brain back to the front. My brain moved out of survival mode and into all the good stuff.
I’m so much better off for it. (so is everyone else)
I’m engaged in a mindful way, not simply navigating fight or flight.
I will work as hard as I can to remain here in this healthy brain space.

I will learn to balance my needs with my wants when they’re at odds.
I want to spend every possible moment with Baby K.
I need some quiet time for myself.
Every time I think I’m on it, I fall. Honestly, she’s hard to resist…
But then I remember we’re at the end of the second month.
End. Of. The. Second. Month.

And I offer myself empathy and understanding.
Which, if I’m being honest, I never do.
My personal expectations are residual from my childhood, keep my head down and do the hard work and don’t complain about it. I received no empathy or understanding. I was expected to do what I was told without question.
I end up expecting myself to manage all ‘the things’ and be resigned to do so without complaint.
When triggered, we all go to the place we ‘know’.
So, if I offer myself some grace, it can be a place where I can stop and breathe. I can bask in that grace and encourage understanding for myself. I can stop the triggers, and in doing so I can find balance.
I can manage my own expectations.
I can take the time I need.
I can take the time I want.
I can feel strong and grateful instead of anxious and overwhelmed.

I feel indescribable love and joy having my daughter and her family here.
Now I’m working on making it comfortable.
For me.
For my husband.
For Thing 1 and Husband N.
For Baby K.
Though, let’s be honest, she’s in high cotton as the tiny princess in this multigenerational household.

At the end of the second month, I feel tired. But more than that, I feel hopeful.

Categories: me | Tags: empathy, expectations, family, feeling hopeful, grace, hope, hopeful, love, managing expectations, multigenerational family, multigenerational home, new way of being, overwhelmed, understanding | 2 Comments

write it down

Posted on March 23, 2020 by robynbird

On his first day working from home, YBW said to me, “I wonder if I should be documenting this time?” His voice got all ‘movie trailer guy’ and he said, “YBW working from home: day one.”
I giggled, then encouraged him to document.

I told him about reading this interview with University of Virginia professor Herbert ‘Tico’ Braun.
In an email encouraging his current and former students to document their lives “during this unprecedented time” he wrote:

The mantra of our course is, ‘Write it down.’ When you do, much of your life and who you are will be different than if you don’t.

He tells his students, “You do not write alone.”
He’s so right!
We don’t write alone. Especially here, in this blogging community.
LA is sharing her life in this time. So is Maggie. Ellieejay and Betul shared theirs at Pointless Overthinking, Claudette is sharing her’s too.

What I love about reading these posts is that in an anxious and fearful time, these ladies are being real. Speaking their truths. Being honest and unmerciful with their thoughts and feelings. And using humor to their advantage.

I thank you for documenting your lives in these ‘unprecedented’ times. It helps us realize we are not alone, however shut away from the world we are. We are a community of human beings. And no matter how far and wide we are spread, we are all in this together.
By sharing our lives via the written word we begin to feel more connected in the immediate, and as time goes on these words will be powerful documentation to look back upon.

I’m choosing to journal about what I think and how I feel about this time in our world. It looks different than my blogging, but I approach it with the same level of honest and unmerciful truth, and a metric-fuck-ton more sass and complete disregard for proper grammar.
Regardless of where I write, I’m choosing to acknowledge fear and anxiety, flex my humor muscles, and embrace a whole lotta love, grace, and gratitude.

We’re all in this together.
Thank you.
I am truly grateful that we do not write alone.

Categories: me | Tags: be honest and unmerciful, community, documentation, grace, gratitude, Herbert Braun, human connection, love, self quarantine, social distancing, UVA, write it down, written words, you do not write alone | 10 Comments

Paul knew what was up

Posted on February 12, 2018 by robynbird

1 Corinthians 16:14
The general consensus is Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians between 54-58 in the common era. This verse is from the conclusion of the letter.
I feel like Paul knew what was up when it comes to this particular verse. He’s ending his letter with, well, some good advice really.

Be alert. Stand firm in the faith. Be strong. And do everything in love.

Almost as though he’s presenting ideas for possible rules to live by.

Do everything in love.

Love is my intention.
I live my life by love.
I mean even when I’m crabby and kind of evil…I actually live each day of my life by do(ing) everything in love. (Is it weird that I wonder if Paul would dig it?)

Lately I’ve wondered if I’m not being mindful about doing things in love for myself. That is, living in love for me, treating myself with the same love I share with others.
Only, after considering this for a while, I’ve come to understand that by doing everything in love, I am treating myself with the same love, grace, and gratitude I do for everyone else.
I think I just haven’t been paying enough attention. And while that’s OK on occasion, I must remember to be present and recognize living my intention begins with me.
Love is in the simple every day things.
It’s with the children at school. With my family. With my friends. It’s even in the way I drive my buggy around the grocery store.
Love actually is all around me.
Every day. In every thing I do. And that love gives me hope. As far as I can tell, hope and love go hand in hand.
(Seriously, though, Paul wrote about that in the same damn letter, right!?)

I’m grateful for Paul’s advice. I truly take it to heart. I live my life by it.
I do everything in love.
Y’all, isn’t that the most beautifully hopeful way to be?

Categories: love | Tags: 1 Corinthians, do everything in love, faith, grace, gratitude, hope, hopeful, intention, letters of St Paul, living my intention, love, love is my intention, mindful, words to live by | 8 Comments

heal it

Posted on September 22, 2017 by robynbird

I’m in a strange place this morning. So many feels.
Feeling every feel with great acuity.
I find it overwhelming. But not in a bad way, exactly.

On Thing 2’s mix, there is a song called Heal It by a band called Dog is Dead. It’s hitting me hard this morning. I want to turn off her mix…but can’t bring myself to do it.

The chorus, “If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it.” feels particularly powerful. And I’m talking tear inducing powerful.
And I stop and ask myself aloud, “What is with you this morning?”
Because these tears seem to come from nowhere.
Only they come from everywhere.
Every single moment of my life when I couldn’t heal until I was fully broken comes rushing in.
Sometimes you must become absolutely powerless to gain the ability to move forward.
Feeling powerless is devastating. But feeling powerless to help those you love goes beyond that devastation. And when I think of being broken before being able to heal I consider moments or particular incidents in which the people I love most were breaking to the point of broken before the healing could begin.

I find it especially painful to know that I could not ease my own suffering or the suffering of those I love most during these breaking to broken times. The suffering eases when the healing begins. It’s the natural course of things.

This morning I’m feeling ‘rode hard and put up wet’. The weight of my short forty-six years feels like a long one hundred and forty-six years.
I feel all the moments I failed. As a daughter. As a wife. As a mother. As a human being.
But the most incredible thing about all these feelings, is that I also feel the ease of suffering that comes with healing. I feel the hope of what’s to come. I feel the triumphs and joys. I feel the pride and love of being a human being successful in life.

The tears are still welling up this morning. But I don’t ask myself about them. I accept them with love and grace and gratitude.

Here’s Dog is Dead with Heal It.
I’ve shared the lyrics below.
Please listen responsibly.

Come and meet me by the hotel
Yeah, you always lived a terrible life
And thorough the blisters and the heart swells
You always did whatever you liked
It’s a messy situation
No need to feel like you’re on the inside
And with a little conversation
What will take for us to talk for a while
It just takes a little time
When your body breaks on the inside
And we can’t heal it!
And we can’t heal it!
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it
Come and see me like you always did
Come and see me when you’re dunking in time
And it’s a feeling that I know too well
Take a beating backing back in the fire
Merry-merry-round when the sun shine
Cause it only makes us sad when it’s burning their eyes
I won’t believe in…
I said won’t believe in ordeal sick in my mind
Which just takes a little time
When your money breaks on your side
And you can’t heal it, can’t heal it!
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it
If you don’t feel right, never feel, never hide
Take a random chance, start another fight
And we froze so small, in your… see the world
Take another chance, make another…
..you die, and you don’t know why
Take another one, take another one!
When the men see the light
It’s a birthday light for another chance
Start another fight!
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it
If you can’t break, then we can’t heal it

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | Tags: #gratefullife, feelings, grace, gratitude, healing, love, pain | 4 Comments

be the Queen of your own world

Posted on January 11, 2017 by robynbird

Years (and years and years) ago I told my therapist I wanted to be Queen of the World. She suggested I consider being “the Queen of yourself”.
That stuck with me.
I’ll never be Queen of the World, but I sure as hell can be Queen of myself. Queen of my own world.

It’s how you choose to function in the world that helps you be the Queen of your own world. Remember that because it is so important. We can’t control what happens around us, we can only control how we respond to it.
I have moments of foaming at the mouth and losing my s**t when things don’t go my way. But by actively living my intention, I continue to learn how to respond, and practice responding to those moments with grace, love, and gratitude.

I am the Queen of myself.
I rule my own world.
Works for me…ruling the whole world sounds a might exhausting.

Categories: love, me | Tags: grace, gratitude, intention, Kathy Kinney, love, Queen of the World, words to live by | 1 Comment

love, grace, and gratitude

Posted on October 13, 2016 by robynbird

I’m not sure where I came across this Denis Waitley quote, but I can tell you I rather like it.

I find myself in complete agreement with this sort of definition of happiness.
I wonder if wisdom truly comes with age? I’m not sure I could (or even wanted to consider how to) understand this idea of happiness as a girl, or even as a younger woman.
Only very young children seem to know of happiness instinctively.
The rest of us spend a lifetime struggling to grasp the concept.

Here’s the thing though, new shoes make me happy. Sometimes, deliriously happy. Now that can be bought…but it’s not the kind of happiness that lasts a lifetimes. (Though most of my shoes still bring me joy when I pull them from the box to put on my feet.)
Perhaps new shoes are immune from the “being worn” portion of this concept?

I live my life in a way that finding joy is no longer a chore. I’m learning that they way I live; the way I interact with other human beings, even the way I interact with my God helps me live as many moments as possible with gratitude and grace. (And if y’all really knew me, you’d understand that grace, at least for me, is in short supply.)
I’ve always attempted to live my life with love. Seriously, even when I was being a hater, there was underlying love. It’s as though I somehow retained that instinct, and knew the importance of living life with love was the key to my own sanity. Happiness would follow.

Because I’m on this Journey of Life, I’m on a Journey of personal discovery. And so far, I’ve discovered that grace and gratitude and love are becoming the only way to live. I’m learning so much more about myself living this way. I’m learning so much more about the world, about life in general.
About a month ago, I wrote that love was the intention with which I’d live my life.
Even though I was kind of already doing that, I realize so much has changed for me since I made it my conscious intention. It seems for me that love promotes gratitude and grace.

This morning, I received these words in an email from a friend.

Because I value and appreciate your abilities, knowledge, and opinions, I had to fundamentally reevaluate the way I feel, think, react, and act in any given situation. You see the world differently to the way I see the world, and that doesn’t mean that either of us is wrong.
You have helped me to see and believe that real moral courage is being prepared to listen to the counsel of others, and even if I profoundly disagree, then I should still weigh the opposing views and accept that someone else may be right.

My living with love isn’t just about my own happiness. By simply sharing my love, gratitude, and grace, I was able to help create a shift in someone else. (Moral courage. I never considered that, but I like the way it sounds. I’m going to realize I wear it and work to wear it well.)

You know, I really do live my life just getting along and singing my song…but I do it with love. I think of the people in my life that I love. I know they’re fortunate to be loved by me. But I also know that I’m fortunate because I love them with such a frightening ferocity.
With love as my intention, gratitude comes easily. Grace comes too, but I find that trickier. I find I still give grace a bit of a fight. But I’m learning.
What more can I ask for than the ability to keep learning every single day of my life?
Now that’s real happiness, y’all!

Categories: me | Tags: Denis Waitley, ferocious love, gift of love, grace, gratitude, happiness, love, moral courage, new shoes | 5 Comments

my time in the Holy City

Posted on July 12, 2016 by robynbird

I’m in Charleston at my sister in law’s house watching my ten year old niece practicing push ups. I moved here yesterday. It was a smart choice as my friend and mentor’s family came to visit. Our time overlapped one day, it was lovely to see them. It felt like a natural end to our time together. We decided she should be with her family and I should be with mine.
She and I had our sacred time together. So it only makes sense we should have that time with our families too.

My friend and mentor’s boudoir and en suite are now the “Perfect Greige” thanks to Sherwin Williams…and me. She picked me up at the airport and we never stopped working until yesterday after breakfast! The results are magazine worthy! I’m so tired, but I loved every moment of helping her make that house her home.
We were catty. We laughed heartily. We sat quietly with sadness. We drank obscene amounts of wine. We worked hard. We enjoyed our time together fully.
She is handling the death of her beloved with such grace. I am in awe of her. She is feeling everything, accepting each feeling as it happens. She embraces “Sad” as much as she embraces “Joy”. I kind of want to be like her when I grow up.

My niece has moved on to “bowl V’s” and a “lemon squeezer” which pretty much means she’s working her core. I am amazed at what she can make her body do.
We’re waiting for the rest of the family to get out of bed. Her mom is awake, but lying in bed reading the news. Her dad and brother are still sleeping. Scratch that. Her brother is awake, I can hear him sneezing. I guess we’ll begin our day soon. I hear there’s french toast in our future. Yay!

The beach still calls to me…perhaps this afternoon…