Posts Tagged With: self work

favorites or tricking myself to write

Y’all I’m so distracted.
Between the construction and a house full of people I just don’t stop and do any of my normal things.
You know it’s serious when I’m over here like, “I’m going to need you to get it together.” to my own damn self. I keep recognizing that I need to, but don’t quite seem to get around to doing it.

You hear about the glorification of busy…I’m not there. I’m not enthusiastically embracing being busy. I am simply more busy than I’ve been in a while. And the kind of busy that isn’t actually accomplishing much, you know?
Toddler in the house keeps us all on our toes.

I’m making the time to write today.
Of course I sit with my fingertips on the keyboard and wait…where are the words?
My brain is simultaneously empty and full.
Full of ‘stuff’. Empty of words.
In the hopes of jumpstarting the writing, I’m tricking myself by doing a random favorites list and inviting y’all to join me.

Favorite pasta dish?
cacio e pepe
all day every day

Favorite vacation you’ve taken?
Barbados
hooooon-ey-mooooon

Favorite show on the Discovery Channel?
Expedition Unknown
Josh Gates is a great big goober and I kind of love that!

Favorite toy as a child?
Barbies
no unrealistic body image bullshit here, just a girl who love(s) to play dress up

Favorite makeup you can’t live without?
Benefit Cosmetics BADgal BANG! mascara

Favorite thing you’ve done in the last 24 hours?
rock Baby K to sleep for her nap
All! The! Snuggles!

Favorite animal?
kitties
cutie little fluff balls with claws of death

Favorite cover song?
Guns N Roses Live and Let Die

Favorite children’s show?
Bubble Guppies
Baby K digs it and now I do too

Favorite thing in the sky?
the moon

Please play along so I can learn some random cool things about all y’all!

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

practice makes perfect or don’t come in here with your bullshit

If I learned anything this week, it’s that I must continue to work at accepting what I can’t change, paying attention to my feelings and behavior, and creating healthy boundaries.

I feel good that however wrapped around the axle I was in my frustration, I did not behave reactively.
I sat with my thoughts and feels and made an attempt to sort through them by writing.
I’m willing to admit I may have overreacted. But I did that in my head, and here on this blog.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not even mad about it anymore.
I’m concerned about the unfairness of YBW being taken advantage of, but trust he’s capable of handling it.
I’m concerned Thing 1 felt responsible for causing drama, but I was clear that I didn’t believe she was at fault.

I was mad because people I love were unfairly treated.
Do not fuck with my brood.
I am the mistress of all evil and I. Will. Cut. You.

But the reality is I cannot change anything about how anyone else behaved in the situation.
Only me.
I was respectful to Thing C as he was explaining the conversation with his mother. I was less respectful when YBW read the text from his ex.
I sometimes wonder if he tells me those things because he knows I’ll get fired up. And if I’m over here being mad AF, he can just breathe. He doesn’t have to get frustrated and angry with her behavior because he knows I’ll do it enough for everyone.
I don’t mean he does it purposefully, he may not even be aware that it happens.
But I know she frustrates him. I know he will sometimes feel angry about her behavior. But perhaps it’s simpler for him to not because I do.
I don’t know. I could be way off base.

I work very hard to walk my talk. And I’m committed to paying attention to what I can and cannot change, and accepting as much as possible.
So if I’m honest and unmerciful with myself, I have to admit I got more spun up than necessary.
I said more than once, I’m so tired of the drama.
YBW was over there like, only drama I’m seeing is you overreacting to this bullshit.
He’s not entirely wrong.
I didn’t start the drama, but I reacted to it.
I mean, I know why I did. I felt protective of my husband. I don’t think he gets treated fairly and I’m not afraid to say it.

I’m also struggling with being apart from him for Christmas.
Like I’m choosing Baby K over him.
Of course it’s not actually like that.
I’m stuck in my feeling place.

Can I control the situation? Perhaps not.
Can I control what I feel? Perhaps not.
But I can sure as fuck control how I behave based upon what I feel.

I said it just last week, we are not our feelings.
I am not my feelings.
I feel them. Oh, I feel the fuck out of them.
But I am not them.

I am working hard to pay attention, working hard to accept.
I realize not being able to change something might frustrate me, but doesn’t have to impact my behavior.
So I keep working.
Sometimes I’m better at it than others.
So, I practice.
They say, ‘practice makes perfect’ but what they mean is, ‘don’t come in here with your bullshit’.
And I’m coming in with my bullshit like,

Practice is life long.
I’m never going to be perfect. I’m going to do the best I possibly can.
That’s not me coming in with my bullshit. That’s me being self aware. That’s me doing the hard work of making a better me.
My me won’t be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be the best possible me.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

September gratitude

As September closes and we’re still having days in the upper 90s, it’s hard to pay attention to anything, much less what I’m grateful for. But Indian summer or not, I’m aware. And I’m grateful.

finishing my degree
celebrating finishing my degree

one of my alternative healthcare providers twice
my therapist
a truly amazing WHNP-BC who not only has helpful ideas but also really listens
YBW’s and my therapist

Rendon bobblehead even though Nats lost this game

my girls
Friday the 13th
finally going to school and teaching 2nd graders
my big sketch book
the shift in me
colored gel pens
productive conversations with my husband
making real plans for the future
watching Good Omens the second time
Rimmel Scandaleyes Curve Alert Mascara

porchlife drinking vodka lemonade with homegrown basil

Amber (she does my hair)
playing Superfight with Thing C and Girlfriend L
bookshop and lunch with Mike and Josie
celebrating a dear friend and neighbor’s birthday
hitting the game tavern with Nora and Dale
a whole afternoon baking with Holly
one rainy morning

reading books
particularly Daisy Jones and The Six
this line from Daisy Jones and The Six

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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