Posts Tagged With: parenting

it can’t be a contest if I choose not to particpate

Posted on August 7, 2014 by robynbird

Thing 2 told her father she’s coming to live here in the fall…this was her decision and hers alone. I offered to help her tell him, she told me she wanted to do it herself, partly because it was her plan and she wanted to advocate for it and partly because she knew if I was involved he’d think I was coercing her. Thing 2 is very bright.

She told him on Tuesday, and this is the email he sent to me Wednesday. Following that is my response this morning.

I am thrilled FOR my daughter, not because she’ll be with me, but because she is ready to climb out of the hole he helped her dig. She’s climbing out all by herself. I couldn’t be more proud.

I don’t understand this “you win” nonsense…but then I have never played the game.

(email he sent early Wednesday morning)
I don’t know where to start and wish I didn’t have to. The idea of letting Thing 2 go to Va. just hurts me so, but it is probably the best thing for her. I just want her to be in the best place for her to grow. Living here has been a slow learning process for her and I feel to blame for that just because she has been home alone far more than she should have been. I have to work and keep the bills paid, food on the table and have entertainment expenses. If she had gone to CHS this past year it may have been a different result and I believe better.
You have gone to Va. and tried to make a new life for yourself but I have been left to try to make a life here where my life of taking care of my family has been twisted to become something different. I am not sure what I can do to help Thing 2 here now that I have committed to the expenses of this house but it would have been the best thing for Thing 2 if she had stayed in school at CHS. I could give up and make my expenses less but now she wants to create a new life in Virginia and that may be the best thing for her.
So now I have to go to work like always and soon I must find a way to make a new life for me.
You Win……..JM

(my resonse)
JM,
The fact that you said, “you win” makes me feel sad and kind of sick.
Nobody wins here. Thing 2 failed her junior year and wants to drop out of high school.
Everybody fails.

I agree she would have been better off at CHS…and that might have been able to happen second semester had she been able to get it together enough to pass first semester and transfer back. But she was not supported by the people who are supposed to support her. We are her parents. We must behave like parents and support our children.
We failed her.

You work the way you work, the way you’ve always worked. It’s not an excuse, it just is.
I understand you’re having to reconfigure the plan of your life. I understand that it’s hard. You’ve stood on your own two feet financially since you bought your first house…now you have to figure out how to stand on your own two feet emotionally, and it’s hard, and you don’t have much practice…so it’s going to feel icky, and I’m sad that it’s icky for you.

I had nothing to do with Thing 2’s decision. She called me and asked if she could come here, asked if she could be in my home. My babies will always have a home wherever I am, I can not, did not tell her no.
I did not feel that I’ve “won” anything. I don’t view those girls as a contest with you. I don’t consider them items with which to hurt and humiliate you. They are my babies. I will always work tirelessly to do what I believe is best for them.
Thing 2 believes she will find success by relocating her life, I support that, not because she’s coming here to where I am, but because I heard her voice, heard the long dormant fire in her belly crackling as she spoke to me. Heard her planning, and being excited to plan, her future.

The fact that you say I’ve won makes me think you’ve got it all wrong…I don’t believe it’s a contest.
I chose to do what I believed was best for me when you decided what was best for you was for me to be away from you. I saw your seriousness and chose to make arrangements to leave when you expressed your desire for change.
I never saw any of our life as a contest, that feels hurtful, as though knowing you and loving you is somehow negated. If it’s a contest then we’ve both lost.

I don’t like that you’re hurting. I have not liked hurting. I don’t understand what happened to the kindness between us, I guess it went away when it turned into some kind of contest.
I choose not to participate in any contest with you. I choose to just be. I choose to just care.

Thing 2 needs something, she’s looking for something, perhaps she’ll find it here, perhaps not. But she’s looking. I don’t want to discourage that.
R

So the high road pays off…my friend and mentor will love that!

Categories: divorce, me, on being a mom | Tags: blessings, contest, coparenting, daughters, divorce, excuses, failed, family, fathers and daughters, feelings, happiness, happy, high road, home, love, manipulation, motherhood, mothers and daughters, moving, not a game, parenting, passive aggressive, relationships, sadness, sharing, taking the high road, teenagers, unconditional love, winning and losing | 2 Comments

why am I always surprised?

Posted on April 21, 2014 by robynbird

I’m always surprised. You’d think after 26 years I would have figured it out…but no, every single time, I’m surprised.

My former husband called me Friday and said: happy Easter. (Aww, that was kind…did I mention I should have known better than to think is was sincere?)
After a brief time of catching up, he asks if I know what Thing 1 did.
Uh…no.
Well it seems she went to the emergency room and the bill showed up at his house as that’s the one listed on her driver’s license. So he wants to know what I’m going to do about the bill.
Pardon?

I suggest we have a mini discussion about it with Thing 1, see if we can come up with a plan all together. (I mean if she’s off shacked up with this guy, why are we still financially responsible for her?)

Then he begins to talk about Thing 2 and how bad her anxiety has become.
I suggest he take her to the doctor. He has no idea what that means…no idea where to start. I suggest he take her to the family practitioner and go from there…and when he hems and haws I remind him that he’s the parent and he has to be responsible for her. Which kind of turns into a bigger discussion than he’s interested in so he hustles off the phone but not before he says he’ll call me back. (He doesn’t.)

Saturday morning I get a call from Thing 1, guns a’ blazing. She’s all bent because, “Daddy told me you said send the bill to me. How am I supposed to pay it?”
Whoa there sister.
I do a little damage control and move on.

I call her father (who conveniently doesn’t answer) and leave a message.
When he finally calls me back, I’m like, what’s your deal?
He says: Well I was mad at you so I called Thing 1. (You stupid, passive aggressive, manipulative jackass!)
I stop him right there and say, “You have got to get it together! Be a grown up, be a man! If you are angry with me, you talk to ME! Not our children! You’re up my ass about money but can’t be bothered to discuss what’s going on with Thing 2. You’ve made a huge mess down there and you are going to have to clean it up.”
He is quiet, then he makes excuses, then he apologizes. (The apology is meaningless, he just says it out of habit, to end the conversation.)

I honestly don’t understand. Any of it really. Starting with the fact I thought he was a grown up all those long years ago and ending with how I continue to ask myself, why did I choose to remain blind for so long?

I made a promise to remain hands off in the fall when he and Thing 2 decided she didn’t need a mommy in her life.
I made that promise to myself. I vowed not to clean up whatever mess they made. It has made for some harrowing moments for me…but I am sticking to it.
The problem is they’ve made a bigger mess than I could have ever imagined. Thing 2 will suffer for it, but she is choosing to…
He has no idea how to be a parent other than to provide food and shelter…that’s all he’s ever done.
The thing that frustrates me the most is the fact he won’t admit he’s cocked it up. He would rather let it all burn than admit he’s made a mess and try and figure out how to clean it up…or ask for help cleaning it up.

He called me under the guise of happy Easter, my beloved Easter. And I was surprised when it went down the rabbit hole. (Shame on me.)
When will I stop being surprised? Why do I continue to give the benefit of the doubt?

I am so much better off away from that toxicity.
I’ve thrown my baby a life raft, she’s choosing not to take it.
It’s time to sink or swim.
My friend and mentor has told me I built her foundation and she’ll be successful in spite of all this…I trust that.

I’m so disappointed in myself for believing so long that he is something he’s not…I believed the facade I helped create.

Categories: divorce, me, on being a mom | Tags: cleaning up the mess, daughters, disappointment, divorce, feelings, finances, frustration, manipulative, parenting, passive aggressive, relationships, sadness, surprise | 5 Comments

the sad sandwich?

Posted on April 5, 2014 by robynbird

I’m feeling sad today, and missing my two Things.

I know I made the decision to come be here, and Thing 1 isn’t at ‘home’ anyway, and Thing 2 decided she was no longer interested in having me participate in her daily goings on…but I find myself missing the daily life stuff.
YBW and I were looking at tile for the impending kitchen remodel and stopped on the way back home for subs, when we sat down, I got teary realizing how much I dislike not being around my girls.

Something as simple as ordering subs and having Thing 1 build a big ol’ salad on the teeniest amount of meat and cheese then drowning it in oil and vinegar, and Thing 2 with just ham and cheese with a bit of honey mustard and mayo…these are just silly things that make me love being their mom.
Here’s something nobody ever thinks to tell you, the silly things are the most important.

I love being the ‘mom at this house’ for Thing C and Thing G.
(Thing G used that phrase, we all went to see the Lego Movie when it came out, we all being YBW, the Things, their mom, stepdad, and uncle, and he wanted to sit between “the two girls” that way he would be beside the “mom of each house”.)
But it just isn’t the same as being the mom of my own two Things. For starters, I honestly do not understand boys. They are an enigma to me…not to mention all that testosterone!
I long for girlie contact! Estrogen fueled giggles and television/movie watching, shoe and clothes shopping. My niece, Girlie Thing works for that most times…I’m practically her mom, too…but she’s very tied up with sports and her friends and, well…her own mom that we don’t actually get to do it as often as either of us like.

It’s not about a ‘date’ though it’s about the every day. Those weird phone calls that start out with, “Mommy, can you swing by Publix or Bi Lo on your way home?” And end with a list of the most ridiculous things from sushi (They assure me the premade at Publix is pretty decent in a pinch, I don’t eat sushi.) to grape juice and chocolate Pop Tarts. Or random Saturday morning quickies in our pajamas to Waffle House because Thing 2 and I were lazy and didn’t feel like making breakfast. Or just being with one or both of them, because it’s natural and we’re a part of each other, conversing without having to speak, a look or gesture or trademark silly face that means so much. Or a lifetime of memories that mean nothing to anyone but us. Or a house full of girls doing hair and make-up in both bathrooms…or all the kids hanging out on the sofa with sodas and pizza because even though we didn’t live on the lake like most of their friends, it was the ‘coolest’ place to hang out. (6 teenagers and a hammer, anyone?)

I am where I belong. Of this I have no doubt. And most days I’m happily engaged in this new life I’m building. But there are those times, like now, when I long for my ‘other’ life…the one where I’m the mom of my own Things and not having to share somebody else’s Things.

Clearly I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today. Perhaps it will pass quickly because honestly, I don’t think I have the patience to be sad about Jersey Mike’s sandwiches much longer.

Categories: me, on being a mom | Tags: chick flicks, daughters, feelings, fun, giggles, girls, happy, home, jersey mike's, kitchen remodel, lego movie, loss, love, motherhood, parenting, relationships, sad, shoe shopping, silly, tile, waffle house | 5 Comments

happy birthday, Thing 1

Posted on March 2, 2014 by robynbird

I completed my second decade of motherhood today.
Thing 1 is twenty, but not until 7:21 this evening to be precise. This is the first year I will not be with her on the anniversary of her birth, I thought it would make me feel more sad, but I guess I’m growing too, accepting that she is a pseudo-adult and her birthdays are no longer about her family of origin, but the new family she is beginning to create for herself with friends and fiancee. (That word still gives me pause.)

I was up very late editing the book and slept until 9:00 waking in a momentary panic that I hadn’t yet called her. In addition to not being with her on this day, this year marks the first time I was not the first person to tell her, Happy Birthday. That fell to N this year, as I suspect it will for years to come.
It doesn’t matter though, for she will always be my baby…my very first girl, the one who was given to me to challenge me to be the best possible me. She and I have had some dark times, but the light was always lit just waiting for it’s time to shine again.

N entered her into a contest in which she won tickets to a bridal show in Savannah…so that is how she’ll spend her 20th birthday…how precious, and how appropriate for her.
My sweet girl is no longer stubbornly fighting her Aunt Sundance and me to wear too small shoes. She is no longer swimming in the pool when the water is 50 degrees simply so she could be the first one in and the last one out at the start and close of our pool season. She is no longer that lost girl trying to understand what to make of her world when I changed it by leaving her dad. She is no longer the girl who hurt herself and came to me desperately begging for help. She’s not even the girl we dropped off at college with her most precious lovey, the little pink doll, Emily who had seen her through all her scariest moments.

She is a woman, one who is beginning to make a real plan for her life, to go back to school and study something she is passionate about, to find a job and make a home, and plan a wedding. She is able to open up and be honest with me about who she is and what she thinks and feels.
She sparkles once again, the way she did when she was small.

Sometimes I worry that she is too jaded, so quick to assess and pass judgment because it can come across as unkind…she’s going to have to learn to temper this, perhaps time and maturity will aid in that. I believe she feels safe enough to be who she really thinks she is, even if she’s a bit brash because I trusted her to make her own opinions and express her creativity…it is very hard to have a strong mother, I suspect she felt she had to fight to be heard instead of trusting in me to hear. Perhaps that is why she is quick to express her opinion without thought of how it might make those around her feel.

She is so bright, and interested in things that boggle my mind, she loves science and math, even though she wasn’t terribly successful in those courses. She is truly an artist who has yet to find her medium.
She has made me so proud, not simply because I’m her mom, but because I know her. Yes, I raised her, I did my best to give her a solid foundation upon which to build her life, but I am savvy enough to know that she has impacted her own character and destiny, and I can honestly say, I am proud to be her mom and proud to know her as a person.

Today is bittersweet for me, that little girl is still inside the interesting woman she’s become, but those times are gone, nothing but nuggets of precious memory, old photographs and an indelible imprint upon my heart.
I accomplished and survived her.
My love for her is knows no bounds.
I am still her “Mommy” but I am also something new.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: adventure, birthday, blessings, celebrate, celebration, daughters, grown women, happiness, happy, happy birthday, joy, little girls, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, relationships, second decade, twenty years, unconditional love | 4 Comments

a “date” with Thing C

Posted on January 17, 2014 by robynbird

YBW’s Thing C is one of my very favorite human beings! I absolutely adore this young man! He is kind and compassionate with a wicked sharp sense of humor.
We talk of music and movies and books and girls.
We share music, I’m educating him on some seriously old school classic and punk rock and he’s helped me learn to love Dave Grohl.
I’ve seen Fight Club (and loved it) because of him and he’s watched Some Like it Hot (and loved it) because of me. (This is only the tip of the iceberg.)
We share a love of Shakespeare and The Great Gatsby and so much so that this year on his birthday, he decided he wanted to rewatch the new Gatsby movie simply because I had not yet seen it. We’ve read and discussed plays and I’m absolutely dying to take him to the American Shakespeare Center/Blackfriar’s Playhouse when something we’re both interested in is playing.
I ask questions about girls because he doesn’t really seem to talk to either YBW or his mom about them, sometimes it’s good to have a “grown-up” who loves you and keeps you safe that isn’t exactly your parent to say those kinds of things to. I even tried to set him up with a girl who works part time at my school (she’s the same age and goes to the same local university as him), this didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to…though perhaps it did, she wasn’t interested…which means she’s not as awesome as I first suspected. Both my two Things have met this girl and decided she’s stupid because our Thing C is a catch!
Neither one of us really likes Asian food very much but we both love Mexican…we plan silly little “dates” to have Mexican food just because we can.

When I see his car parked in front of our house when I drive up I get so excited! It means good conversation and laughs and perhaps something new to share. I am always met with a hug and a sincere interest in my day.

Thing 2 left today to head back to her daddy…Sundance took her to the train station…I was feeling a bit sad when I came home from school, but when I turned the corner onto our street I saw his car in front of the house and I was instantly smiling!
After big hugs, we talked about a gig he’s playing (He’s a bassist.) and whether or not I was to photograph it for them we also read the most inappropriate comment strand on one of my friend’s fb statuses and laughed at the complete lack of propriety. (Should I be ashamed of myself? I’m not.)

This might seem like a strange post…but Thing C has been visiting his grandparents in the lone star state for the last two weeks and I missed him so there was big love and happiness today!
Since YBW and Thing G have plans for tomorrow we’ve planned a “date” to go get Mexican food and discussed lying on the sofa to watch my favorite movie of all time, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Then perhaps we’ll go over the used bookstore and see what moves us. It’s going to be a great Saturday!

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | Tags: books, fun, happy, home, love, Mexican food, movies, music, parenting, relationships, shakespeare, sharing, silly, unconditional love | Leave a comment

walking on eggshells

Posted on January 15, 2014 by robynbird

Thing 2 has been here since Thursday…I’ve experienced feelings alternating between “pants-peeing” happiness and bone crushing anxiety.
There are moments when she’s engaged and her sassiness is a joy to behold, we’ve had serious fun together…

Over all I’m honestly glad I got to see her after all this time…but it feels icky.
As though something has broken between us and is irreparable. We will never be the way we were…I can only hope we’ll be able to find a new way to be together.
I’ve broached the subject with her about the awkwardness between us and she begins her response with something to the effect of: I can see some of your points, but I just think we should let it run its course. So I asked if was that she just didn’t care enough to try to fix it or was it just not that important to her.
And then there was no more discussion. So after a while I asked if the conversation was over and she asked what I wanted her to say.

I’m so tired of feeling anxious, I wonder if she also feels anxious…and if so, is she tired too?
When something is broken it must either be fixed or…well…thrown away, I guess. I’m unwilling to throw away my Thing 2…but I can’t fix it all by myself.
So I wait…and trust that one day I won’t be the only one who wants to fix what’s broken.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: angst, anxiety, daughters, love, motherhood, mothers, mothers and daughters, parenting, relationships, teenagers, unconditional love | 4 Comments

the giving of thanks

Posted on December 1, 2013 by robynbird

I’m not the biggest fan of Thanksgiving…some people say that makes me un-American…I say whatever. I’m thankful every single day for what I have in my life, the people, the love, the joys, even the sadness…they’re mine, you know? And I’m grateful.
So that one day, that day of giving thanks, well I feel as though I’ve got that pretty much covered. To me Thanksgiving Day is simply an excuse for gluttony…and I don’t really eat all that much.

That said, I have to tell you I had the most wonderful holiday weekend! With YBW’s family on Thanksgiving Day, Sundance, Girlie Thing, and Boy Thing on Friday, and my cousin and her family today. Best of all, my own precious Thing 1 has been here with us and Thanksgiving is her absolute favorite holiday! (I suspect because of the gluttony.)
Thing 1 reverted to her goofy child-self around her cousins and Girlie Thing and Boy Thing, she and Boy Thing have always had a special relationship, and when they were together it’s as though not a moment has passed since they saw each other last. She was so smiley and kind of jumpy and very much like she was when she was a little blonde pigtailed girl. So precious to see!

She’s followed me around the house like she’s done since she began to walk…interestingly enough, it doesn’t annoy me, I’m so used to it even though we’ve not been in the same house for so long. She literally follows me everywhere I go, just far enough behind me that she’s not touching me but close enough that I can occasionally feel her breath in my hair. She has always done this, and it amuses me more than anything.
I’ve been so pleased to have my girl with me…she been here 12 days and just stared to annoy me…a reminder of how much better she and I get along when we’re in different places. I think the thing that annoys me about her is that she spends so much time talking about how she’s a “grown-up” but behaves like a little girl…I’m not sure what that means exactly, but I’m not ready for her to leave just yet and that makes me happy.

Sundance has decreed we three must go on a wedding dress hunt…that Sundance and I will eat peanut M&M’s al la Sally Albright while Thing 1 models wedding gowns. Honestly the very thought of this makes me queasy, but Thing 1 is nearly “pants peeing” excited about this little field trip. How can I say no? Perhaps this is…what? Shock therapy? (Whatever it is I vote for champagne and not M&M’s!)

Thing 1 had her Christmas yesterday morning since she’ll be down with her fiancé’s family for Christmas…YBW was kind of tickled that she got so much My Little Pony stuff. (Yeah, my Things and I are Bronies…no shame in our game.) She got new sassy boots and some clothes, funky socks and an antique perfume bottle, and American Girl doll and pony things…she is that peculiar combination of little girl and woman.

Having my girl here in my new home with me has reinforced my gratitude and made me oh so happy!
I don’t need turkey and all the trimmings to celebrate my thanks…just folks to shower with love.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: daughters, family, fun, gluttony, happy, home, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, sharing, thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Day, wedding dress shopping | Leave a comment

so…Thing 1 has a ring on her finger

Posted on November 9, 2013 by robynbird

Sundance called me Wednesday evening, “so your daughter is getting married.”
“What?” (I may have actually said, shut the f@*k up! but I just can’t remember.)
“She changed her Facebook status to ‘engaged’.”
“Yeah, I’m going to call you back.”

Ring ring…
“Hi Mommy!”
“Uh…anything you want to tell me?”
She giggled. (She FREAKING giggled!?!) “I sent you the picture.”

“Yeah, you always send me pictures of you trying on rings while you’re out piddling around…how was I to know what that was? Dude! Aunt Sundance just called me because she saw it on Facebook! You don’t think this news warrants a phone call?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re SORRY!?! I’m your mommy, you don’t send a picture via mass text and change your Facebook status, you pick up the phone.”
“I’m sorry, Mommy.”
“Well, tell me all about it!”
More giggling, “what do you mean?”
(I might kill her.)
“How did it happen? Was it a surprise? How do you like the ring? I don’t know, something more than…nothing.”
“Well N said, “(Thing 1’s full name), will you be my wife?” and I said yes!” Then she described the ring in great detail.
“Holy shit.” (And not just once.)
“Mommy, why do you keep saying holy shit?”
“I’m so sorry bear, I’m in shock. When that goes away the excitement will kick in, you just gotta give me a minute.” (I knew I needed to rope it in a bit so I didn’t freak her out.) Are you happy, baby?”
“Yes!”
“I love you, and if you’re happy, I am happy too.”
(Can hear the smile in her voice.) “Thank you, Mommy.”
“Is there a date?”
“Oh at least a year.”
(Thank God!)
“And I’m going to go back to school before we get married too, you’ll be proud of me, I made a good plan.” (My Thing 1 is a ‘dive right in’ kind of girl so for her to have a plan is a seriously big deal.)
“I have to say this because I’m the mommy, and mommies have to say the things nobody wants to hear, you are very young and that worries me.”
“I know, but we’re waiting, so it’s OK.”
Then there was the, I’m so glad you’re happy and excited and can’t wait to see the ring next week…blah blah blah. Then the I love yous and good bye.

HOLY SHIT!
My 19 year old daughter is engaged to be married! I’m going to throw up!

Sundance said Thing 1 told her at least a year, maybe two…this eases me a bit.
YBW said, “This is the beginning of her living her own life.” (Easy for him to say…his 20 year old isn’t coming home with a girl who’s got a ring on her finger.)

I am so happy my Thing 1 is happy. N is doing a really good job showing that he wants to love her and take good care of her and she is really happy.
He is her first real boyfriend. He is the first person she’s ever slept with. He is more than 10 years older than she is.
I have absolutely no control over any of this.
She is me all those long years ago, marrying a man so much older than me, who was going to take care of me and give me babies to raise…until the world fell apart.
I want better for Thing 1 than I had…
YBW reminds me that she isn’t me and N isn’t the former husband.
I remind myself she is blissfully happy and who am I to try and damage that with my anxiety.

Interestingly enough, I was flipping channels at lunchtime on Friday, (I almost never turn on the TV.) and Say Yes to the Dress (Atlanta) was on…it was tyrant/dictator mom day…nasty, hateful moms who were just horrid to their bridey daughters and I thought I will not be that mom, I spent the last 20 years trying to do what was best for her and part of that is letting her decide what she likes and what pleases her.
I will trust that I did a good enough job…that she’s got the ability to make decent choices…and I will simply find her joy and participate in it.

Here’s the thing, she might be happy from now until the end of time…or it might blow up in her face, but she’s the only one who can decide.

Is this the choice I would have made for her? No. I would have wanted her to live a bit more…to become the woman she’s going to be first before she attached her life to another person. Only it’s not up to me. It’s her life now…the days of little blonde pigtails and Eloise books are long gone, she’ll hit her second decade in a few short months and she is going to make the decisions that shape her adult life. I can only love her and smile at her happiness.
And fight the overwhelming urge to vomit.

Think there’s such a thing as “happy for you vomit”?
God I hope not.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: anxiety, daughters, diamonds, engaged, engagement rings, happy, love, mother of the bride, motherhood, mothers, parenting, wedding bells | Leave a comment

Thing 1 says

Posted on September 27, 2013 by robynbird

A curious thing happened…

Thing 1 called me this week specifically to ask a question, but also have a chat. We discussed her question and then moved on to our chat. Somehow, Christmas came up…she told me it’s her boyfriend’s family’s big holiday and she was thinking she’d go there with him. I said, “Well your sister has decided not to come here for Christmas like we planned so I’m not sure how that’s going to affect your decision.”
She said she assumed that was what was happening and then VERY quickly said, “I’m staying out of it. It doesn’t have anything to do with me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
I replied, “Oh I understand. It directly affects me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
She told me her daddy called her that first day as soon as he got off the phone with me. (This struck me as odd, but we’ll get to that in a minute.)
She went on to tell me she spoke with Thing 2 to check and see how she was.
I said, “I’m not going to ask you what Daddy said because it’s none of my business, but I am confused as to why he called you.”
She said, “Mommy you need to know Thing 2 doesn’t hate you. She loves you very much.” (This was almost too much to bear.)
She asked, “Do you want to know what I think? I think it was very stressful for all of us when you and Daddy split up, and we were all exhausted. And I think Thing 2 doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore. I don’t think you guys meant to, like intentionally, but you kind of used us to get at each other.” (This is when I almost had apoplexy.)
She went on to say Thing 2 is happy getting to do what she wants because Daddy is never home and you’re not there anymore and she can just chill. (Chill? No, she’s loving the fact her dad treats her like a roommate instead of behaving like a parent and I’m not there holding her accountable. Sorry…I digressed there.)
She said that Thing 2 just needed a break. Then she said, “Mommy, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, this is just what I think.”
I said, “Bear, you are not hurting my feelings. I appreciate your point of view. I need to tell you something very sincerely and need you to please listen equally sincerely.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I have never intentionally used you or your sister to hurt your daddy. I have never manipulated either of you or him. In fact, I once told your daddy that I would sacrifice everything and walk away from you both to save you from that ever happening to you.”
There was a loooong pause…and then a very quiet, “Oh.” Then I heard her take a deep breath before she said, “I’m so sorry, Mommy, because I know now I did hurt your feelings.”
“No you didn’t. I just need you to know that my intentions have always been pure when it came to you and your sister, I have always put your best interests above everything else.”
“Thank you, Mommy.”

Then interestingly enough…both YBW and her boyfriend showed up simultaneously thousands of miles apart and changed the dynamic. So we said hello to the guys for each other, expressed our love and got off the phone.

Wasn’t that a peculiar bit of insight?

WHY IN THE HOLY HELL DID THEIR FATHER IMMEDIATELY GET ON THE PHONE TO THING 1 AFTER TALKING TO ME???

This has plagued me to no end.
Not to mention the fact that I know who the master manipulator really is. (And it ain’t me!)
Here’s the beauty of the way he functions…he has no conscious clue he does it, he just does! He couldn’t hurt me directly…he had no power to do that…what he had was access to the two people I love most on this planet. And THAT was where he went to work. He was able to manipulate them without their knowledge to hurt me. He used them to hurt me and punish me for hurting him. He was able to watch me suffer and never had to lift a finger.
And why does he get to be with Thing 2 and I do not if she needs a break from BOTH her “manipulating” parents? (I am fully aware I was being immature right there but my kid thinks I did something horrible to her and I DIDN’T!)
Why had I chosen to be blind for all that time? To make a choice to ignore who he really was?
For many long years I have wondered if I could trust him…but now I know I absolutely cannot.

(I didn’t want to shout at YBW about this situation even though it would have been safe to do so, and I didn’t want to talk with Sundance about it because sometimes she and I create a maelstrom that’s hard to escape and I already needed to be less insane about this situation.)

I wanted to write my daughters’ father a letter, one where he could see it in black and white…a letter that said nothing but “I statements”. (I don’t understand this, I am confused by this, I feel sad when I think or hear this…) I was not about to throw accusations or blame…I was going to make it all about me.
But fate intervened in the form of my friend and mentor.
She said, “Do nothing. You raised your girls beautifully and they will see everything one day. They will see you consistently took the high road over and over again. They will see your grace and dignity. He is what he is, a product of his environment, he is somehow emotionally stunted and you can see with your kind heart.”
WOW.
That struck a chord deep within me and I know she’s right.

So I stop and I breathe.
I trust Thing 1 and I trust Thing 2. But most importantly I trust myself.
As much as I hate being on the journey I will admit knowing I’m on the high road makes it a bit less arduous. Surely the high road will get me to my destination sooner or later.

Categories: divorce, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: daughters, divorce, feelings, heartache, hope, loss, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, passive aggressive, relationships, sadness, taking the high road, teenagers, trust | 2 Comments

wondering how you are

Posted on September 22, 2013 by robynbird

My friend and mentor texted me this morning: Wondering how you are.
Four simple words made the tears come.
And I’d been holding it together pretty well. (Or I’m getting really good at fooling myself.)

The funny thing is…earlier this morning I was thinking how much I missed Thing 2’s little face, and then it hit me, what I miss most is hearing her voice. Especially her giggle.
That kid has the most infectious giggle you’ve ever heard! Thing 1 once said that if she had to lose one of her senses, she wouldn’t want it to be her hearing because she didn’t know if she could live without hearing Thing 2’s giggle.
(In fact, Thing 2’s giggle is one of my four favorite sounds; the others are Thing 1 saying, “mommy”, the crack of a baseball bat making perfect contact with the ball, and a sound YBW makes when he sleeps.)

But I digress…
My friend and mentor asked if I had video of Thing 2. It’s curious, I have all the photos, but her dad has all the videos, so no, I don’t.
But then I realized I had a 55 second video on my phone of Thing 2 and my niece, Girlie Thing being goofy one afternoon in August. So I rubbed salt in my wound and watched it and here’s what I discovered:
1. Thing 2 sounds quite a bit like me. No longer does she have that squeaky little girl voice, but a strong, rich alto. I was surprised by how much she sounds like me.
2. The giggles you hear more than anyone’s are mine.
3. Girlie Thing and Thing 2 were destined to be in each other’s lives.

Thing 2 and Girlie Thing were being silly and I was so amused, I began to film them.
Thing 2 caught me and said, “Stop filming us!”
She flashed me the ‘double finger’ and said, “Ha! Now you can’t post this!” Then the fingers again.
I laughed and said, “I’m just keeping it for fun.”
“To watch when you’re sad?” She asked.
I giggled and said, “Yes.”
Girlie Thing said, “Yeah, save it for when you miss me.”

Um…are these girls psychic? Am I? Did we know the world as we knew it was about to implode?
No. We were just having a fun afternoon hanging out…each of us thinking it was one afternoon out of the hundreds to come…
It isn’t. There aren’t any more coming…at least not yet.

YBW was ironing new dining room curtains (I know! Isn’t he the BEST!?!) while I was on the phone with Thing 1 the other day. When I hung up, he said something to the effect of, I noticed you didn’t say anything to Thing 1 about what’s going on with Thing 2.
My reply was, “It’s not my story to tell.”
He seemed to feel very strongly it was and was all, next time you talk to Thing 1 she’s going to be like, Mommy why didn’t you tell me about Thing 2?
I don’t know.
Thing 2 might not have the balls to tell her sister.
Or my real fear: Thing 1 will applaud Thing 2. (Does that make me paranoid?)

My darling sister-in-law texted me expressing her love and support after she read my last post, and asking why I didn’t call her with this news.
I don’t know.
I’m still figuring out how to function with it.
I love her so for reaching out to me when I know how hard it is for her.

I packed up all Thing 2’s belongings from her home here and sent them in a box to her home there. Good God, that was painful, packing her meds and clothes and special stuffed animals. I almost kept her favorite special sleeping lovey, Lamby. Not out of spite, but because I felt I wanted to keep a precious part of her. I even wrote her a note explaining why I kept Lamby and sealed up the box. It rode around in the backseat of my car for a week before I actually sent it…and in the meantime, I wrote a new note and put Lamby in the box. Lamby belongs to her, not me.

I am overwhelmed and I feel quiet.
I should be finishing up a paper for school as my term ends next week…I don’t want to write about American History, I don’t want to think about Economics. I want to hug my sweet baby and hear her voice.

As Grandaddy would have said, “You’re old enough for your wants not to hurt you.”

So I’m going back to work…then I’m going to snuggle on the sofa with YBW.