The most radio friendly song Blue October every wrote.
I love this band. I love Justin Furstenfeld. He writes from his heart.
This song is starting my day.
Posts Tagged With: love
a little something for Monday morning
Categories: me
Tags: Blue October, i dig music, Into The Ocean, Justin Furstenfeld, love, music
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save the date
I had this idea for what our save the dates would look like for a really long time.
It finally came down to what shoes I would wear. I had several boxes on my bed, a different shoe on each foot and nothing seemed quite right.
Then YBW said: You should wear your flip flops.
It was an AHA! moment!
When I was in SC I pretty much lived in my Havaianas. YBW has always teased that they’re not “proper shoes” and I should cover my feet. (I have pretty feet, just so you know.)
So when he suggested I wear my favorite rubber flip flops it felt so natural to me. The photo represents us accurately. I feel like it celebrates our playfulness as a couple and our differences as individuals.
The date runs up the right side on the actual card in bold white numbers. 10.24.15
The best part was the actual photo shoot, we two in our side yard with the camera on the small tripod on one of the kitchen stools me running back and forth between setting up the shot and being in it.
We laughed so much!
It was so very “us”.
When I was visiting in Arizona, my friend’s husband said to me: Tell me about YBW, all I know about him is that he has red shoes.
This amused me.
It also confirmed what I already knew, our save the date card playfully represents who we are as a couple and was absolutely the right choice.
Categories: wedding
Tags: flip flops, havaianas, love, photo shoot, playful, red chuck taylors, save the date, shoes, wedding, YBW
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blowing a kiss
I find myself missing my mom today.
I don’t know if it’s simply “that time of year” with my birthday rapidly approaching. Or if it’s that I’ve seen so many robin birds in the last two weeks. Or if it’s because it’s gray and cold today.
Maybe I just miss her.
It’s actually kind of strange because I honestly feel like I miss the idea of her more than I the physicality of her. That probably has to do with the fact that we lived so far apart and didn’t see each other that often.
Maybe it’s just knowing she was there was enough.
At the end of her life, she and I were not speaking often, I was wrapped up in my dad being very sick and burning miles back and forth between VA and SC. But learning how sick she was for so long before she actually died, I’ve figured out that it wasn’t just that I wasn’t reaching out to her, it was that she had stopped communication. She was keeping her illness a secret.
I wonder why she did that. She loved to play the martyr, but not seeking treatment when you’re as sick as she was…well that’s just ridiculous if you ask me.
It wasn’t my choice though. I can’t say how I would choose to behave if I was that sick, diagnosed or not…though I’m pretty sure I’d fight the good fight and do what I could to be well. I can assure you I wouldn’t keep it a secret.
I’m not quick to volunteer information, but I sure as hell don’t hide it.
I miss being able to talk to her whenever I want. To pick up the phone with any big or little thing that runs through my head. To send and receive mail on a whim. We were the quick to send each other any old thing from the crazy post card I found at Tower Records a million years ago, to trinkets like little redhaired Kelly doll or a new color book and box of crayons. She would have adored and fed my (and the Things) love of MLP.
I’m tickled to find myself choosing little trinkets to send to Thing 1 or Thing 2. Carrying on the tradition as it were. It’s as meaningful to them as it is to me. I mean, who doesn’t love getting mail? But more than that, isn’t it lovely to know someone is thinking of you with affection enough to send you a little something?
Thing 2 just got a little box of yellow smiley face gumballs from me. Randomly, because I saw them and they made me giggle. She was so happy to receive them, not only does she know she’s loved, the gumballs were yummy, too!
I suspect when the day comes that I get grandbabies I’ll do the same for them. Just a little love wrapped up with postage affixed waiting in the mailbox. How perfect is that?
It seems absolute crap that I’ll never get to talk to my mom again. Never hear her voice. Laugh with her. Get frustrated or angry with her.
There is so much unresolved baggage between my mom and me. Here’s the thing though, even if she was still here it wouldn’t get sorted. That’s simply not who she was. I’ve come to accept that.
I’d just like to hear her call me baby or tell me that she loves me.
I’d like to tell her I love her.
When I was little and we spoke on the phone, we would always blow a kiss before we hung up. Literally, “mwah, pfff” (kiss sound, blow sound).
I have the very last card she sent me on my magnet board above my desk. It’s a Mother’s Day card. It’s kind of funky like me, kind of sappy like her. She wrote, “I love you, Mommie” just like she signed every other card she ever gave me. But this was the last time she ever wrote it. She died almost exactly six months later.
The robin birds are out in force. I have a strong desire to call her to report the news.
Maybe she knows.
The pragmatic part of me knows it’s not the case but it seems kind of sweet somehow to think it.
I’m not sad. I’m…what? Thoughtful? Yes. Thoughtful. I’m in the positive place of memories and I’m filled with love.
As Sirius told Harry,”The ones that love us never really leave us…and you can always find them in here.”
For good and bad, my mom is in my heart. She always has been and will always be.
Categories: loss, love, me
Tags: family, feelings, happy, Harry Potter, joy, joy and sadness, little trinkets, loss, love, mothers, mothers and daughters, robin birds, Sirius Black
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honoring your commitment (to yourself)
Talked with Thing 2 for a long time yesterday. And while we talked of many things, one part of the conversation struck me and stuck with me. She mentioned she’d been thinking about writing again. I shared with her that I loved her writing and thought even though she wasn’t always comfortable with it, I think it’s very good. She said she was flattered.
I didn’t say it to flatter her. I said it because I believe it. She’s actually quite good.
I told her what I know about writing and about writers. They write every day. They make a commitment to write for a certain amount of time each day. Then they honor their commitment.
I told her I thought it would be so good for her. She’s living in the moment only. With no real vision of her future and not much reflection on her past. I think that’s got to be a hard way to live. I suggested committing herself to a writing schedule might help her break out of that moment to moment living.
The more we talked about it, the more I could hear her begin to really like the idea. She was hopeful that it would ignite some passion within her. (I call it the fire in her belly.) She was expressing her feelings of confusion about what path to take, how to move forward in her life. She is concerned that she has no passion. Like Alice, she used to be much more…muchier. She’s lost her muchness. She knows this and isn’t quite sure how to get back her muchness.
I wondered aloud if writing would stoke the fire in her belly, help her find her passion and remind her of her indefinable muchness…I could hear in her voice that she was really inspired by this.
I expressed that I would in no way “hold her accountable” but I would ask occasionally if she’d written simply out of excitement and curiosity. She liked the idea of that too.
I also shared with her that I was in the process of making such a commitment to myself. That I needed to write more…that I let too much time go between times I write.
I haven’t written since I was in Arizona! Partly because I came home and promptly got sick (So sick I didn’t do anything but lie on the couch and drink apple juice for four days straight.) but a visit to my doctor and a prescription for antibiotics and an inhaler finally sorted me. I’m feeling better enough physically that I’m ready to engage my mind.
So while I’ve suggested to my daughter that she make a commitment to herself, I too will commit to a set bit of time to write each day. It may or may not be in this blog, but I will honor myself and write. I too, am occasionally concerned about my muchness. That I’m so busy living the day to day moments that I’m missing something in me.
I remember something my friend and mentor once said about your first year of teaching, she said it’s “survival year”. I believe that’s true of your first year of anything. The first year of me being here not only held normal adjustments to the spectacular life changes. It was a year in which my beloved child told me she didn’t want me to be her mommy anymore. It was a year in which my dad unexpectedly died. It was a year in which my child and I found our way back to each other. She came to live with us here and left again in a six week period. It was a year in which I changed classrooms in a school where I’ve never felt I completely belong. And (This is the bestest bit!) this was a year in which the man I’ve loved for the last five years put a ring on my finger and asked to call me his wife.
My muchness is all over the freaking place!
Thing 2 and I have traded some snapchats this afternoon. I send her a questioning face asking if she had decided to write today.
She did!
And now I am.
We’re each honoring our commitment to ourselves. I feel a bit as though we’re honoring a commitment to each other too. But that’s honestly not what it’s about, it’s about respecting the decision to do something for ourselves.
Categories: me, on being a mom
Tags: commitment, creativity, daughters, honor, love, motherhood, mothers and daughters, sharing, unconditional love, video blog, writer, writing
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so sciencey, so amazing
I went on a very special tour of Biosphere 2 at University of Arizona today.
I’m here visiting beloved friends and for the first time in seven years I’m with the entire family of six. I’ve seen a member or two a few times in the in between but this is such a blessing!
I arrived late last night and after having been up for twenty three hours and forty five minutes, I finally collapsed into a heap. Slept for four hours and saw two kids off to school then went on the tour with the remaining family members. The eldest is a junior here and the dad works for the university. The second born, who is my Goddaughter, is home from Clemson for spring break.
The mom and I have taught each others kids in preschool and been friends for over fifteen years.
My heart is joyous being with this family. It’s as though not a moment has passed since we were last together, the only thing missing is my two Things.
Categories: love, me
Tags: Arizona, Biosphere 2, family, friends, Goddaughter, laughter, love, U of A
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our love (of Joss Whedon) is ever-changing AND constant
Just had a great conversation with Thing 2. She called as I was leaving school this afternoon and we just hung up the phone. Her voice is one of my true joys. We’ve been playing phone tag for almost a week now and I am so happy I got to talk with her!
She was sounding a bit sad when we first started talking. I asked and she explained there was a bit of drama. Girl drama. I laughed and said: I didn’t think you hung out with girls any more. She laughed too then said there was some ickiness with her best (girl)friend. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She explained that she’s hurt that her best friend has gotten really close with another girl (a common friend) but Thing 2 is kind of feeling put out. She said: Like I’m suddenly less cool than (girl’s name)? (I can assure you that Thing 2 is INFINITELY “cooler” than this other girl, and I’m not saying that just because I’m her Momma.)
We talked about how all her friends are in school and she’s not. How her life is completely different than their lives. Then she said something that gave me pause (and great pride).
She said: Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to change my expectations.
Damn, that kid has insight. How many seventeen year olds have that much self awareness? (I did something right.)
So we talked about her perspective, she was thrilled to have my feedback. I feel hopeful that it will help her when she begins to feel this way again.
We talked about our adoration, nay, worship of Joss Whedon, Thing 2’s girl crush on Eliza Dushku, and how freaking talented Alan Tudyk is.
This portion of the program started with her sharing that she finally started watching the second season of Dollhouse.
(Then it went a bit like this: OMG Thing 2! I was just thinking about Dollhouse earlier this week! OMG Momma! We’re totally connected!)
This was a hilariously animated discussion which moved into Buffy and what a total whiny crybaby we both think Angel is. (We love Spike.)
We discussed a visit. She told me she promised to visit her sister first and then come here. But she wanted to come here sooner rather than later but didn’t want to hurt her sister’s feelings. Hmm…this got me thinking…and I said: It isn’t lost on me that we are talking about a twenty-one year old grown ass woman and the concern that if you spend time with me instead of her it will somehow hurt her feelings.
Thing 2 said: Wow! Way to put it into perspective! I’m coming to see you! (We don’t yet know when, but she’s a-comin.)
We talked about our emotional connection now that we don’t really have our physical connection. I told her I missed the days when (as a teenager) she would come into my room with her pillow under her arm and I’d say, “Whatcha doin?” and she wouldn’t speak, but walk to my bed, move the other pillow, place her pillow and get into bed, look at me and grin.
She giggled and said she missed that too. She said: Now you have a boy in your bed. We laughed. But I said: You know, there are other beds in this house, but you were all, No! I wanna be right in the middle of this big bed with your tiny self. (the same bed that was mine into which she would plant herself) She laughed again and said: Well damn, if I’d know that, I wouldn’t have left. (Interestingly, hearing that didn’t sting.)
We agreed we were both missing our connection. We agreed to be more aware and mindful of it and to amp up our communications.
That kid.
That kid has been my very favorite human being since she first grabbed my finger through the tiny hole in the incubator bed in the NICU.
Our life is different now. We’ve hurt each other immensely, but we’ve healed each other, too.
The love we share is different from any other love in our lives. It is true and it is deeply rooted, but it is also adaptable. And that is what will keep us together even though we’ve been through some gut wrenching pain. Even though we’re five hundred miles apart. Even though she’s almost grown.
Our love is unconditional. Our love is ever-changing AND constant.
But I could cut off her Netflix at any moment…
(If you’re a Whedonite, you know what I did there…undercut a “sappy” moment with “sharp” humor. Thing 2 would be chuckling…as long as she believed I was kidding.)
Categories: love, on being a mom
Tags: Alan Tudyk, Angel, being connected, Buffy, changing expectations, connections, daughters, Dollhouse, Eliza Dushku, expectations, family, friends, giggles, happy, Joss Whedon, joy, love, mothers and daughters, Netflix, perspective, relationships, serious, silly, teenagers, Thing 2, unconditional love, voice, Whedonite
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how I spend my days
My kids decided we needed a hair and nail salon in our classroom. So after about two weeks of hard work creating shampoo chairs, hanging hairdryers, a pedicure station, and asking for donations we’re ready!
Yesterday was the Grand Opening of Sound Stage Salon (The kids chose the name.)
before the ribbon cutting ceremony
Some friends decided to take a shave.
They actually got quite good at this.
One little friend decided it was time for me to stop taking photos and have my hair done.
He worked really hard to make me ‘fancy’.
This transformation of our dramatic play area was completely their idea. We designed and built and play in it together and will continue to do so until we’re no longer interested.
The kids enthusiasm and excitement are contagious! Our administrators and other teachers have requested to come have their hair and nails done to the extent that we had to create an appointment book. Mommies and Daddies are beginning to ask for appointments too.
I love teaching and learning with three and four year olds!
I bought a new (old) book today!
Normally when I spend a rather large chunk of change I experience that feeling of buyer’s remorse.
Not today!
I woke to photos of a first edition book I’ve been considering.
I’ve always maintained that The Great Gatsby was my favorite book. But I’ve been thinking more and more about books I love, and realized that The Secret Garden might be my favorite after all…or it could be that I’ve just been thinking more about it because YBW sneakily purchased that litographs.com Secret Garden tee for me.
Perhaps I just can’t have one favorite book…I simply love too many to choose between them. Favorite or not, the original British publication of The Secret Garden has been purchased and is being shipped to me.
My joy is HUGE!
The wonderful ladies of Pioneer Books in Adelaide, Australia went out of their way to provide me with photos to ease my mind about plunking down that much money on a book sight unseen.
I’ve spent the better part of the week emailing back and forth with Cathy. As I learned about their story in our emails I became even more inclined to purchase from them. Their bookshop is almost as old as I am, was started by Cathy’s father, and since his death, is run by the two sisters and their mother. I have added Pioneer Books to my “bucket list” of places I’d like to go. I want to meet these ladies and personally thank them, for their patience and willingness to go out of their way to help me with my purchase. I want to see what Cathy’s father created and spend time among the books, and talking with this family.
I might not ever make it to see them personally, but I discovered they blog right here on wordpress! So I can check in with them from time to time, and that might be good enough. Check them out here: https://pioneerbooks.wordpress.com/about
Categories: me
Tags: Australia, books, excited, excitement, first edition, happy, joy, love, new book, old book, Pioneer Books, The Great Gatsby, The Secret Garden, YBW
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in lieu of a nap
YBW’s mom is leaving her apartment in the fancy retirement building for a much smaller one in the next door assisted living building. We’ve spent the last two days helping her sort what to take, what to leave behind, and dividing things between our family and YBW’s brother’s family. I adore YBW’s brother, but he is inept at packing, loading and moving. So much so, that I could do nothing but stand, mouth agape when I opened the back of the truck to find such disarray, and the china cabinet tipped over, glass broken into a cardillion pieces.
That’s when I started running the show. I’m in NO way “tooting my own horn” here. I’ve packed and moved enough times that I’ve got a particular knack for it. The fierce compulsion for order doesn’t hurt when it’s time to organize. I’ve felt the need to tread very softly through this process as it’s complicated enough without “the new girl” trying to run the show. YBW did call me Wonder Woman and praise my mad skills. (I totally heart him!)
Now it’s all over, I’m feeling a bit puny. I’m tired, have a wicked bruise on my right thigh and a little achey all over. We grabbed dinner on the way home where I murdered a gigantic cheeseburger and drank a really tall beer. We talked about wanting a nap, but realized it was simply too late to try that today. My solution is a tubby full of hot water and my iPad to binge a bit of House of Cards. I’m just dying to see what the Underwoods are up to.
Bed will soon follow and I’m going to sleep as long as humanly possible tomorrow. (Which for me, most likely means till 7:30.) Thats OK, it’s still later than my normal 5:00.
More “wintery mix” is in out forecast tomorrow and I’m going to lie low, possibly organize my new bookshelf, and lie low some more. This week was shite and I deserve it.
Categories: love, me
Tags: bath, House of Cards, love, moving, nap, organization, packing
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