my freak flag flies

Here’s some of what makes my weird little heart happy.

books
currently reading:
Noir by Christopher Moore
in the queue:
Hold Still by Sally Mann
The Balcony by Jane Delury
Funny Girl by Nick Hornby
Too Much and Not the Mood by Durga Chew-Bose
The Dinner Party by Joshua Ferris
You Gotta Get Bigger Dreams by Alan Cumming

monograms

I honestly want to stick my monogram on everything I possibly can!

journals

I have no words to successfully convey my love of books to fill with my writing.

cloth napkins

music
current playlist:
Rufus Wainwright
Paolo Nutini
The Kills (always)
The Devil Makes Three
Alice Merton
Tori Vasquez

railroad spikes

Doesn’t matter where I am, if there’s a railroad near, I’m going to hunt for spikes.

food network and HGTV shows
Beat Bobby Flay
Iron Chef America
The Next Iron Chef
Home Town
Good Bones
Rehab Addict

school/office supplies

Sharpies. Gel pens. Mechanical pencils. Colored pencils. Crayola crayons. Ballpoint pens. Funky scissors. Legal pads and spiral notebooks.

random things
porch life
my Naked Mountain Winery tee with the outline of Virginia
nail polish
cracking crab legs and peeling shrimp at the seafood joint
organizational items
James Cordon’s Carpool Karaoke
movie theater popcorn
magnets and stickers
robin’s egg blue
baseball
the freckles on my knees
rainbows
random tv/movie/song quotes
MLP:FiM
super sharp kitchen knives
the ballet
brand new mascara
a perfect BLT
switching out my bag
popping a bottle of bubbly
robin birds
my bitmoji
Cinema Sins ‘Everything Wrong With’ vids
central air (no pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than)
playground swings

So that’s

I’m curious what strange things make y’alls weird little hearts happy.
Let your freak flag fly in the comments!

Advertisements
Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Moana, fried green tomatoes, and fireworks

In the old days Independence Day meant a backyard full of people, and a pool full of children.
It was a pot luck, with the best damn macaroni salad you’ve ever eaten. Burgers and dogs on the grill, beer in plastic cups, because ‘no glass by the pool’. I’d always get thrown in fully clothed thanks to my brother and cousin. The kids would be pruned beyond belief, only stopping to grab a handful of fruit or veggies or chips. They’d hork down a burger or dog if you made them, but they couldn’t be out of the water for too long, or they’d miss out on all the fun.

These days Independence Day is much smaller.
Yesterday YBW and Thing G did yard work and I studied.
But in the late afternoon, Meredith and Beau came down with their Mommy. The kids played with Legos and their Mommy and I made fried green tomatoes and drank wine.
YBW and the kids have had a date to watch Moana since it came out, and last night they finally went down to the giant TV and set it up. (thanks Netflix) After we cleaned the kitchen, their Mommy and I joined them. Even Thing G came down to watch!
YBW and I were the only ones that hadn’t yet seen it.
Y’all, I was truly delighted! Disney hit that one out of the park! I laughed, I cried, I absolutely adored it!

Turns out we kind of forgot it was Independence Day because suddenly we could hear loud sounds, even downstairs. That’s when I realized we were missing fireworks.
After the movie, they walked back up the street to home and YBW and I had a quick hem-haw about zipping out to see the fireworks. We grabbed shoes and headed out. Hooked up with Nora and Dale and their kids and ooohed and ahhhed as we watched the color explosions. Apparently, our Manassas fireworks one of the largest local fireworks displays in all of Northern VA.
I didn’t even grab my phone from the car to take photos.
That’s how you know it’s good…choosing to experience everything first hand. The immediacy and authenticity of being present in the moment, not behind the lens. That’s a tricky one for me, but last night it was worth it!

Today is going to be quiet. YBW decided to skive off work today and tomorrow, we’ve got a couple quick errands to run. Might even pencil in a movie. If we’d been quick thinking enough, we might have planned a minibreak…but going away over the fourth just seems like a mess of hotness.

I keep hearing this song in my head, as I always do around Independence Day.

Yes, I am and American girl who grew up in the 1970s.
What are you gonna do?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

according to my research

Check out this shiny new ride in our driveway.

That’s right, y’all, I got a new car!

The last ‘brand new’ car I had was in 2002.
YBW and I finally decided to bite the bullet on a new car. We’d been talking about it for a while, did some planning when it came to the financial aspect, and realized we would be able to with more ease than we originally anticipated.
I’d done all the research on mid-size crossovers. (Y’all, I know more about this type of vehicle than you can shake a stick at, though why you would is beyond me. Must research that idiom…)


and an exceptionally great test drive, the Hyundai Tucson is the one for me.

Costco has an auto buying program which presents it’s members with deep discounts and oftentimes cuts the haggling. There’s only one Hyundai dealer in Maryland or Virginia the program uses. Fortunately for me it’s right here on the other side of town.
So back the end of May, I’m talking with a guy at the dealership about what I want and what I’m willing to pay. The beauty of it is I’m at home in my jammies on the phone with this guy negotiating.
Score 1 for YBW and me.
When it finally comes down to it, his ‘bottom line’ price is a thousand dollars more than I’m willing to spend. I thank him for his time, assure him I’ll not be making the purchase and hang up the phone.
He calls the next day and asks if after sleeping on it we changed our minds.
Um…nope.

Fast forward a month, I get an email with a price to which I can’t say no.
Et voilà!

The first thing I did was put my monogram in the back window. Only it wasn’t quite right, it was red vinyl over the red of the tail light and was just too much red and black all together.
So I peeled it off and am waiting for new monograms in the proper color to arrive. I’ve decided on white…we’ll see how that goes.

Mostly, I’m still in squee and full on oodgey goodgey mode.
But I am enjoying the features like air cooled seats in this ridiculous heat. And being able to talk to folks hands free via the car itself. And the lift gate that opens when you show up at the back of the car, this came in handy when I had a huge, heavy box of pots and pans (Calphalon at a great price at Costco) and didn’t have to bother with the key at all.
I’m getting used to the fact that it’s easy to go faster than I realize…with my lead foot, that may come back to bite me in the ass, but I’m paying attention.

Speaking of paying attention, I placed these on my visor as a daily reminder.

Living my intention is more comfortable in my new car!

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

please get away from me

My current sentiment regarding other human beings.

I’m over here trying to live my intention.
Buh-bye.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Mystery Blogger Award

The Mystery Blogger Award’ is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.

I was nominated for this award by DM at Pointless Overthinking. I thank you most sincerely, sir!
I love that my words are meaningful to the people who read them!

Now that I’ve been nominated, I’ve got to follow the rules laid out by the creator of this award, Okoto Enigma.
Here we go!

The Rules
Put the award logo/image on your blog
List the rules.
Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
You have to nominate 10 – 20 people
Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question
Share a link to your best post(s)

Three things about myself
I believe every single thing a human being needs to know is learned through play.
I’m consumed by wanderlust yet also a straight-up homebody.
I always trust my gut. (because it is never, ever wrong)

DM’s Questions
Why did you start blogging?
I started blogging as a way to kind of journal “out loud”. The idea of putting my thoughts out into the world filled me equally with enthusiasm and apprehension, but it was one of the smartest choices I ever made.

What person do you appreciate the most and why?
Currently I’m going to have to say YBW, and here’s the why: He is kind, loves my daughters as his own, has the most ridiculous sense of humor, accepts and encourages me to be me, and he is teaching me how to feel safe in love.

What is your biggest fear?
That I’ll never be ‘good enough’.

Which quote you like the most?
(it’s a three-way tie)
“Do everything in love.”
“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.”
“Have courage and be kind.”

What do you love the most about our world?
That if you bother to look for it, you can always find kindness.

My best posts
(from my point of view)
Paul knew what was up
the power of forgiveness
paying attention to my gratitude
being a weird mom builds character
learning that love is safe
I am the strangest, weirdest, most complicated woman I’ve ever been.

My Nominations
Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50
In A Messy World
Must Be This Tall To Ride
Anxiety The Bitch
Lovely in the Dark
Water for Camels
Mistakes & Adventures
Persevere
(I know this isn’t 10 – 20, but I’m a rebel, not a rule follower.)

My Questions
What is your intention and how do you live it?
Who is your favorite hero in fiction?
What’s your ultimate dream trip, and have you taken it?
What gets you out of bed every morning?
What’s your personal theme song?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

cue the drama

I just had a run in with a woman in a group discount sale. I did not see her claim of an item and someone else claimed it and I sold the item to the second woman.
Cue the drama.
And I’m over here like:

Here’s the thing. It’s a discount sale, it’s chaos. Stuff gets missed. I apologized to her and moved on…and then it started:

I apologized. It was an honest mistake.
Am I sorry? No.
But I apologized because it’s the right thing to do.

And then the woman became a full on child.

“Because I’m angry”!?!
You know who functions from anger? Toddlers. But only because they don’t have the reasoning skills required to deal with anger and see the actual situation all at once. (I’m in no way disrespecting toddlers.)
So because she’s mad, me apologizing for a simple and honest mistake isn’t good enough because: “I really wanted this one”.
Um…truthfully, I don’t even know what to say about that.
But in my experience, even toddlers know this can only get them so far.

The other woman can see all this and sends me a message about letting the item go.
I shut that right down! I will not have her bullied into giving up the item she’s already paid for. This other chick can get over herself.

But the woman continues to tag me in her vitriolic comments. So I ask the group of consultants if anyone has had trouble with this woman. The group administrator gets fired up after reading all the comments and decides to respond to her. She was fed up with the nasties and wanted to shut the woman right down. She then blocked the woman from being able to post in the group for seven days.

That’s not the language I would have used.
But perhaps it’s one of those fight fire with fire situations…? If one is behaving that way, they’ll only understand being spoken to in the same manner?
I don’t know.

But here’s my take away:
I treat other people with kindness and respect.
I’m fallible. I accept and acknowledge that.
I’m not a seventh grader, and I don’t like drama. What that woman fails to realize is that she’s the only one who’s worked up and angry.
I’m over here wishing her well.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

our bodies ourselves

Saw my therapist Wednesday afternoon.
First we had to oodgey-goodgey over my new elephants, and talk a bit of catch up before we got down to the me part of the conversation.

I shared that I lost eight pounds by cutting coca cola from my diet.
This lead to a conversation about physical health. We talked on this for a while, expressing the joys and concerns of our bodies. We talked of weight and health and strength. We talked of how grateful we are for our bodies.

For me, it’s not what size I am, or the number on the scale, it’s about how my body feels. As healthy as my brain is beginning to feel regularly, I want my body to feel equally healthy.
I have a magic number in my head, my ‘ideal weight’ but it’s so unrealistic. I’d be nothing but nose, shoulders and breasts. That’s why I ignore the scale and the labels in my clothes.
Does it fit comfortably? Do I feel strong? Can my body do everything I want to do?

I don’t hate my body because it’s got more padding than it used to. I don’t hate my body at all! This body has carried me through forty seven years of life, it grew and birthed two of the most amazing humans. It can run and jump and dance. It can sit and lie and be still. It has freckles and scars and bushy red hair.
My body is precious.

I don’t care what size my body is as long as it’s strong and healthy.
Right now it’s not as strong as I’d like it to be, so that’s what I’m doing, making it stronger.

This reminds me of a conversation the girls and I had about body shaming.
They’re both thin, inherited from their dad’s family, I come from folks of a sturdy stock.
Thing 1 has always been ‘underweight’. She’s an eater, but she just doesn’t bulk up. At all. Think Olive Oil, all arms and legs and neck, but with a cuter nose.
Thing 2 has always been small. She didn’t hit five feet or a hundred pounds until she was sixteen. Petite is the word you’re looking for. She’s a little firecracker.

They shared stories of experiencing skinny shaming.

Now I have personally said, “Eat a cheeseburger and put on a jacket.” to Thing 1 when she’s complained about being cold.
Turns out I was body shaming her. (not about the jacket, just the cheeseburger bit)
That’s horrible to consider.
My daughter’s body is perfect and beautiful. I would never purposefully disrespect it.
I only wanted her to be warmer, so I theorized if she ate more and put on a jacket, she would be warmer.
Thing 1 is underweight. She used to eat like a teenage boy, we wondered if she had a hollow leg, etc. but she just doesn’t keep weight. That’s hard for her. She struggles.
Should she be shamed? Should someone purposefully be hurtful about it?
No.

Thing 2 went through a phase in which she purposefully starved her body. She honestly couldn’t have weighed ninety pounds. She was bones and skin and sunken eyes.
That frightened me. In ways I find hard to put into words.
I trod carefully when discussing what she was eating.
She has since returned to normal eating and a healthier weight.
I did suggest she eat a little more and it hurt her feelings.
I was body shaming her.
That was not my intention, I was fearful for her health and didn’t know what to do but offer food.

I look at photos of my girls, even the ones from the tattoo shop on this blog, I see strong healthy bodies. I see young women who use their bodies for work and play. I see the strength and vulnerabilities of their bodies. I see the difference between the little girls they used to be and the women the are. I see the freckles and tan lines. I see the self-inflicted scars and tattoo ink. I see what carries my daughters through this life.
They are healthy and strong. They are perfect exactly the way they are.
I am awed and overflowing with the maddest love for them!

I’ve used the word ‘porky’ when describing myself to them. They don’t like it.
I’ve worked hard to be clear that I want my body to be healthier, not simply more thin. They’re always supportive of me and my body. Like me for them, they want me to be in a strong and healthy body that works the way it’s meant to. They support my paying attention to what I eat, but never support “dieting”.

Bodies are made of bones and blood and muscle. They’re covered in skin and hair. They’re designed to do wonderful and awe-inspiring things. They even create more bodies! How much more awe-inspiring can you get!?!

I love my body.
It carries me through this life.

Stop worrying about shape and size and weight.
Stop comparing your body with the bodies of others.
Stop shaming your body and the bodies of others.

If a body is strong and healthy, what else matters?

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

mind full or mindful


I’m actively focusing on this as I create my summer schedule.
I must pay attention to where I am while I’m creating my schedule.
Being mindful of building in time for self care.

I have three things that must be accomplished before school starts.
1. 5 courses
2. GOOB Lula
3. house

I can most likely complete three of my five courses between now and when school starts, leaving me with one month to finish two. I’m going to do this if it kills me, and y’all it just might.

Getting rid of all the Lula merch before school starts is a must for me. I need to close the book on this going out of business.

The process of fixing the hole in the house has finally begun. We met with the roofer Saturday. Of course they can’t begin work for about a month, but I was assured it would be finished before I have to go back to school in August.

My mind is full.
There are lists. And tasks. And plans.
I must be mindful about my time, and needs, and state of being so I don’t overwhelm myself.

On Monday I tempered homework with writing for this blog, and running to the post office and Costco.
Tuesday I posted Lula merch in an online sale, and did homework, and wrote.
Today I’m writing and I’ll do homework. I have two appointments today, one with my therapist, the other to see the massage therapist. I need both these appointments. My therapist and I will talk of how best to plan. The massage therapist will ease the discomfort in my head for a while.

When my mind is full, I feel frantic. I’m not actually checking anything off my list because I’m just spinning my wheels. I’m aware of how much I have to do, but not actually doing any of it. I’m like the Tasmanian Devil spinning around creating more chaos in my wake. I’m like a pinball bouncing around off things, all flashing lights and dinging bells.
I know this about myself. I know that I’ve not made the best use of my time or skills. Neither have I taken the best care of myself.
When I’m mindful, I’m still. I’m aware. I’m comfortable and confident.
Shifting gears from the former to the later is not exactly simple, but neither is it all that difficult. I only have to remember that I must stop to shift. Can’t shift on the fly, don’t want to ruin my transmission.
So I stop and I breathe.
Then I plan.

Create my summer schedule.
On paper with a pen.
Times and tasks and appointments.
But I’m also adding porch life and cocktails and maybe even a trip!

I’m paying attention to what I need to accomplish and what I need to be me. Being mindful about tempering crossing accomplishments off lists with simply living my life.
My mind feels full. I feel a little bit of anxiety about accomplishing tasks.
By being mindful about myself and my place in the world, I feel confident I can do what needs to be done without becoming overwhelmed. I know how to make it work. Just have to set about the planning.
Being mindful, living my intention, kicking ass and taking names, I got this!

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

mother – daughter dynamics

The girls were here for about ten days.
Mostly it was lovely.
There were moments that weren’t so much.

I see the dynamic between my daughters, their fierce and devoted friendship. I am awed by it. The love they share is truly something to behold.
I feel confident and comfortable in the dynamic between myself and my daughters individually. There is strength in these relationships, a love that is new and ‘grown up’ as well as that powerful mother-child dynamic. While I cannot speak for them, I feel strongly that we are healthily navigating this new way of being in a relationship. The relationship between mother and adult daughter.
When it comes to the dynamic of the three of us in a relationship, well, that’s where it becomes tricky for me. Landmine riddled, and though carefully trod, I seem to be blowing shit up left and right simply by being in the relationship.

Is it simply triangling?

Or is it defaulting to our old roles in the relationship?

Thing 1 has always been a Daddy’s girl. They were each other’s favorites from the get go.
Thing 2 has always been a Momma’s girl. We were each other’s favorites.

When the three of us are together, I worry that Thing 1 doesn’t see my love for her. That I don’t consider relating to either or both of them as a competition. I don’t know how to help change her perception.
I worry that Thing 2 feels as though she must walk the tightrope between her sister and me. That she cannot just stand on her two feet and actively love and accept love from us both.

Of course, these are the stories I make up. I don’t know what goes on inside them.
I want to create an environment in which love is an even field. Where we can be together and feel safe.
What I want and what actually happens seems to me, vastly different.

I was stressed with both girls here. I watched them speak their own private language with awe and amusement, but after a while, I began to feel sad and hurt. The time we have together is precious, and they were using it to be together without me.
I began to feel as though I’m simply here to swipe my card.

There were moments that felt connected. That felt like we were in that even playing field of love and safety. But they were few and far between. Even the precious and sacred trip to the tattoo shop was tricky.
I know they had moments of dissatisfaction while they were here. But I don’t know what they were thinking or feeling.

I feel confused.
I feel disappointed.
I feel sad.

Last summer when Thing 1 was here, it felt so different. It felt like we were really successful in relating to each other, in loving each other.
The difference between last summer and last week is that Thing 1 was here alone last summer and Thing 1 and Thing 2 were here together last week.

I understand that I relate to them in different ways.
With Thing 2 I have an easy, yet deep intimacy. We can talk of deeply personal feelings and the whys and wherefores behind them.
My relationship with Thing 1 is loving, but with a practical twist. We don’t have the ease of intimacy between us, but we can be real with each other.

The quick and easy way to fix to this landmine situation is to only spend time with them one on one. But that’s not really a solution for the long term.
I’m not sure how to go about removing the landmines from our even playing field of safe love, but I want to try. I’d like to be able to be with both the girls and for all three of us to feel safe and loved and comfortable.
Mothers and daughters will always be tricky curious beasts.
I would like, and I hope they would like, to remain as tricky and curious as ever, but to do it in a healthy, safe, and loving way.
I feel hopeful.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

chaos and the need for ‘normal’ life

When I look back at the last six weeks I’m honestly amazed that we came out the other side as well off as we did.

Two deaths in two weeks.
Three birthdays in the same two weeks.
A mother’s day when there are no mothers.
Projects, exams, last month of senior year with senioritis in full swing.
Graduation.
Party.
Girls here.
(P.S. there’s still a hole in our house)

Now when read in a list, it may seem as though I’m exaggerating the impact each and every one of these things had on us. I’m here to assure you I am not. And while some of these things are in the biggest ‘Yay’ column, it was a stressful time.

Last week when YBW and I had our therapy appointment, we each talked about what we needed as we moved forward.
I wanted to take a break. Go away for a few days. Breathe new air. Get out of this house. Be near water. I was looking at it as kind of a reset, have a break to rest before we returned to normal life.
YBW wanted to get back to normal straight away. He expressed his weariness at the starting and stopping and starting he’s been doing for the last six weeks. He also expressed his desire to sleep.
Our therapist was on point, and while we didn’t settle on one or the other, we each began to consider the other’s point of view differently than we had before.

Later in the day I scribbled a note to myself.

The more I considered it, the more I began to feel that just saying what I need might be enough.
Which actually may turn out better as YBW is on call the last week of June which means we can’t go anywhere anyway.
We haven’t talked about it again. I did tell him my thoughts on expressing the need vs having the need met. I asked him how he was feeling about getting back to normal life. He remarked it didn’t feel like normal life.
Does he need to discover what his new normal is? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know he still isn’t sleeping all through the night.

What I do know is that from a very early age I learned not to express my needs because they wouldn’t be met. So to avoid that disappointment, I get vague af when it comes to expressing my needs. I actually think the phrase, ‘it doesn’t matter what I want or how I say it, I’m not going to get it anyway’. (Sounds pretty pathetic, right?)
I guess it’s the way I learned to defend myself.
Anyway, that’s where I am.
Desire to rest and recharge after the last six weeks before returning to ‘normal life’.
Only, here I am today, knee deep in normal life.
Blogging, GOOB with Lula, prob and stats, and instructional planning homework, hole in the house repair, teaching Thing G to drive, and just regular household maintenance stuff.

I don’t feel short-changed or whatever. I feel like being specific regarding my needs is a big deal and even if I don’t actually get what I said I need, I suspect I got some little bit of what I needed just by saying it out loud.
Go me!
I’m growing as a person and all that.
I mean, sure being near water would be perfection. But so far, on this first day of ‘normal life’ since the second day of May, I’m feeling fairly content.

Categories: death, loss, love, peace and wellbeing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..

WhyToStop

By Rachna

Finding French Charming

Finding True Love.. Even After Forty

Moosmosis

Exploring an Arts & Sciences Education

The Nerdy Lion

Lions can wear glasses too

Trying to do it ALL

I have a 2 year old, a husband, a job, ME/CFS ... oh and I'm trying to lose weight. I have so many plates spinning the salad is hitting me on the chops as it goes round. This is my sweary, brutal, honest daily diary as I try to do it all. #swearymum #meawareness #MECFS

Family Furore

Parenting and Mental Health Blog

A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip!

We Each Have A Story To Tell

Amaan Khan

Hello, I am Amaan Khan and this is my complete Portfolio | Weekly fiction and personal writings | New post every Thursday, without fail

Thought Box

Sweet...Bitter...Happy...Sad...All thoughts trapped in a Box...

M.A. Lossl

An author's life, books, and historical research

Life at the end of a fork

The adventures of two culinary explorers adrift on the high-seas of our great city, London, in search of an edible El Dorado.

Pointless Overthinking

Understanding myself and the world I live in.

Water for Camels

Encouragement and Development for Social Workers and Those with a Mission of Helping Others

Anxiety The Bitch

We are present in the millions, yet we remain unheard

J. A. Allen

Scribbles on Cocktail Napkins

Mistakes & Adventures

What I've always wanted

Persevere

By Dan Sims

In A Messy World

I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me.

Living In the Sweet Spot

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." Jan Glidewell

Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

Navigating the second half of my life

Sawblades In Your Walkman

effervescing with muchness

Must Be This Tall To Ride

I'm a single dad documenting his journey. A guy trying to walk a higher path. And messing up. A lot.

ChrissyAdventures

Everyday is an Adventure. Embrace it

Kana Wanders

Life in Kana-text (er... CONtext)

%d bloggers like this: