therobynbirdsnest

exactly the same only completely different

Posted on November 10, 2013 by robynbird

YBW and I woke early yesterday morning…actually I think he was awake and I was a bit restless but he moved towards me and petted my hair and softly kissed my face and when I opened my eyes and saw his face I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of joy! I grinned sleepily and whispered, “Golly I love waking up to you.” (Yeah, I really said the word golly.)
There was quiet talking for a bit, then kissing and then we made love. For the longest time afterward, we just lay in bed talking. We talked about everything under the sun…and then it got personal.
We talked about our “before” lives, what it was like for him to be with Thing C and Thing G’s mom…parts of my life with Thing 1 and Thing 2’s dad. Why certain things were the way they were and how we felt about them. I wish I could remember what exactly it was we were talking about when he said to me, “Hey, I once woke up to being stabbed.”
Roundhouse kick to my soul.
YBW was married for a second time very briefly to a rather mad woman who was an alcoholic and a horribly mean depressed person. He knew it was a mistake…but not before it was too late.
I sat with it for a couple minutes before I could decide to say, “I’ve never heard that story.”
He was very calm, “I was here asleep and she came in with the knife and kept poking me with it until I woke up. She wanted me to watch her kill herself with it.” He went on to say he talked her down off the ledge and got the knife away from her…
They had so much fun together…she was the total opposite of his Things mother. They went to happy hour and went to plays and had fun. Their sex life was good, which was different than it had been with the Things mom. (Though, he was quick to add, not as good as ours…I didn’t need the reassurance, but he was sincere, not flattering.) She was a whirlwind and she paid attention to him and she made him feel special and loveable. She told him she wanted to take care of him.
He wasn’t ready for anything major but she insisted they be married on the anniversary of the day they met or they no longer date at all.
I suggested she manipulated him, he agreed, but admitted he was willingly manipulated. He wasn’t ready to let go of that feeling of being special.
In the end, it all fell apart and she was hauled from this home in handcuffs for trying to hurt him on their first wedding anniversary.

I’m writing this because the way it felt to talk with him yesterday morning has nothing to do with the subject matter and everything to do the fact we are truly ourselves with each other. There is a level of trust that I’m not sure I’ve experienced before. I do feel safe with YBW and I help him feel safe.
It’s easy to feel a deep connection or level of closeness with someone when you’re naked with him, when your bodies are becoming one…it’s trickier to feel it when you’re listening to him talk about things that hurt him deeply and how he’s grown from it into the man you love.
Yesterday morning, I felt closer to YBW than I ever have.
We moved into a new level of intimacy.
Then we got up and he made coffee and I drank a diet Dr Pepper, exactly the same as every other morning…only completely different.

Categories: love | Leave a comment

so…Thing 1 has a ring on her finger

Posted on November 9, 2013 by robynbird

Sundance called me Wednesday evening, “so your daughter is getting married.”
“What?” (I may have actually said, shut the f@*k up! but I just can’t remember.)
“She changed her Facebook status to ‘engaged’.”
“Yeah, I’m going to call you back.”

Ring ring…
“Hi Mommy!”
“Uh…anything you want to tell me?”
She giggled. (She FREAKING giggled!?!) “I sent you the picture.”

“Yeah, you always send me pictures of you trying on rings while you’re out piddling around…how was I to know what that was? Dude! Aunt Sundance just called me because she saw it on Facebook! You don’t think this news warrants a phone call?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re SORRY!?! I’m your mommy, you don’t send a picture via mass text and change your Facebook status, you pick up the phone.”
“I’m sorry, Mommy.”
“Well, tell me all about it!”
More giggling, “what do you mean?”
(I might kill her.)
“How did it happen? Was it a surprise? How do you like the ring? I don’t know, something more than…nothing.”
“Well N said, “(Thing 1’s full name), will you be my wife?” and I said yes!” Then she described the ring in great detail.
“Holy shit.” (And not just once.)
“Mommy, why do you keep saying holy shit?”
“I’m so sorry bear, I’m in shock. When that goes away the excitement will kick in, you just gotta give me a minute.” (I knew I needed to rope it in a bit so I didn’t freak her out.) Are you happy, baby?”
“Yes!”
“I love you, and if you’re happy, I am happy too.”
(Can hear the smile in her voice.) “Thank you, Mommy.”
“Is there a date?”
“Oh at least a year.”
(Thank God!)
“And I’m going to go back to school before we get married too, you’ll be proud of me, I made a good plan.” (My Thing 1 is a ‘dive right in’ kind of girl so for her to have a plan is a seriously big deal.)
“I have to say this because I’m the mommy, and mommies have to say the things nobody wants to hear, you are very young and that worries me.”
“I know, but we’re waiting, so it’s OK.”
Then there was the, I’m so glad you’re happy and excited and can’t wait to see the ring next week…blah blah blah. Then the I love yous and good bye.

HOLY SHIT!
My 19 year old daughter is engaged to be married! I’m going to throw up!

Sundance said Thing 1 told her at least a year, maybe two…this eases me a bit.
YBW said, “This is the beginning of her living her own life.” (Easy for him to say…his 20 year old isn’t coming home with a girl who’s got a ring on her finger.)

I am so happy my Thing 1 is happy. N is doing a really good job showing that he wants to love her and take good care of her and she is really happy.
He is her first real boyfriend. He is the first person she’s ever slept with. He is more than 10 years older than she is.
I have absolutely no control over any of this.
She is me all those long years ago, marrying a man so much older than me, who was going to take care of me and give me babies to raise…until the world fell apart.
I want better for Thing 1 than I had…
YBW reminds me that she isn’t me and N isn’t the former husband.
I remind myself she is blissfully happy and who am I to try and damage that with my anxiety.

Interestingly enough, I was flipping channels at lunchtime on Friday, (I almost never turn on the TV.) and Say Yes to the Dress (Atlanta) was on…it was tyrant/dictator mom day…nasty, hateful moms who were just horrid to their bridey daughters and I thought I will not be that mom, I spent the last 20 years trying to do what was best for her and part of that is letting her decide what she likes and what pleases her.
I will trust that I did a good enough job…that she’s got the ability to make decent choices…and I will simply find her joy and participate in it.

Here’s the thing, she might be happy from now until the end of time…or it might blow up in her face, but she’s the only one who can decide.

Is this the choice I would have made for her? No. I would have wanted her to live a bit more…to become the woman she’s going to be first before she attached her life to another person. Only it’s not up to me. It’s her life now…the days of little blonde pigtails and Eloise books are long gone, she’ll hit her second decade in a few short months and she is going to make the decisions that shape her adult life. I can only love her and smile at her happiness.
And fight the overwhelming urge to vomit.

Think there’s such a thing as “happy for you vomit”?
God I hope not.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: anxiety, daughters, diamonds, engaged, engagement rings, happy, love, mother of the bride, motherhood, mothers, parenting, wedding bells | Leave a comment

love and Krispy Kreme

Posted on October 25, 2013 by robynbird

Four years ago some slut met my boyfriend at the airport in her skivvies covered by a red trench coat and high heeled shoes.
Oh…wait. That slut was me. (I’m not really a slut, but you wouldn’t know it by how I went to the airport.)
Golly, I was so nervous. (Like, seriously ready to sell my soul for the guarantee I wouldn’t vomit.)
When I saw him come down the walkway I was suddenly calm. Then there was nothing but my big bucktooth grin and his beautiful blue eyes…he walked silently to me and dropped his bag then took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was an absolutely perfect first kiss.
Actually, that kiss is the entire reason I can write this four years later…for had that kiss not been what it was, I don’t know if we would have ever been a couple. (Does that sound…I don’t know…shallow? I don’t mean it to be, I just know that it didn’t matter if he was spectacular in the sack, if he couldn’t kiss…he wasn’t the man for me. But that kiss was lovely and I was mad about him…so here we are!)

YBW and I went to high school together…we knew of the other, but didn’t really have much contact. I had my circle of friends and he had his…but we did have British Lit together senior year.
Fast forward twenty years, we’ve both been married and divorced, both had kids…both showed up for our twentieth reunion.
Sundance and I went as each other’s date…the plan was “see three specific people and have one drink, then go to dinner and a midnight movie”. (Did I mention she and I are idiots? Because we closed the reunion facility at 11 before moving on to a local watering hole…then closed it too. All of this after we stood in the parking lot trying to decide if we should even go inside. Let me just tell you how glad I am we did!)
All I could say to Sundance on the way home and all the next day was, “Damn YBW grew up yummy.”

So after I returned home, I took a risk…I sent him a private message on FB. We dated via FB and email then texting and on the phone for months before we decided to see what it would be like to try it live…he specifically asked me if I wanted to come to him of have him come to me…without thought, I told him I wanted him to come to me. It made me feel safer somehow.
That was October 24, 2009.
He told me he believed he was falling in love with me that first day, and even though I didn’t know exactly how much of what I felt about him, I didn’t panic! I had been through so much unpleasantness and absolutely did not feel loveable, but I took a leap of faith and trusted him…and let myself fall in love with him.

We knew it would be…tricky to date long distance. And there were a couple of times I didn’t think it was worth it…but here’s a good thing about YBW and me…we can talk with real honesty about everything and when I said, “If this is how you need to be in a relationship, I’m not the girl for you and that breaks my heart.” He said, “I love you, I need you in my life. You are my future.” That was the conversation that changed everything.

Interestingly enough, this is the first time (since the trench coat) we’ve actually spent this day together. When he asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate, I said, “Go get donuts!”
“Don’t you want to go someplace nice or a little fancy?”
“Nope, I want to go to Krispy Kreme with you just like our first date.”
So we went back and forth for a few days…I stuck to my guns…but with the first night of the World Series on the TV in the background, he convinced me to find a ‘nicer place’ to spend our anniversary, so I chose a little out of the way place with a killer wine cellar and when I asked him if he wanted to go there, he shrugged and said, “sure, whatever.” (Not in a total dick way, but it was clear where we went didn’t matter to him.) So I turned off the TV and said, “I’m not sure what’s up with you but you’ve been up my ass to pick someplace nice to go when I told you all I wanted to do was get donuts. If you think I have some big expectation or you feel like you’re in some way obligated to make a big production of it, that’s you…not me.”
He said, “I’m sorry.”
That seemed strange to me, I didn’t think he needed to apologize…but I did finally tell him I wanted him to choose what we did as long as we still got to go to Krispy Kreme.
So Thursday I got a text that read, ‘I’ve decided you need lemongrass chicken tonight’ and I was all WOO HOO! So we went to our favorite little dive of a Vietnamese restaurant where he got pho and I had delicious chicken, and then went and had donuts and coffee.
He held my hand as he drove us home and once again told me happy anniversary. I was one big bucktooth grin and replied, “It was exactly what I wanted. Do you see these teeth? I had the best anniversary and I am so happy!”

And I am happy.
Not because he ‘makes me happy’…but because with him I am as real as I’ve ever been, I am the one true me…I have no fear. The me I am in this relationship is safe and true…and so exquisitely happy.
He doesn’t make me happy.
I don’t make him happy.
We’re just blessed enough to love each other and be happy about it.

Four years seems to have blown by in an instant…the other side of that is it seems I’ve loved him since the dawn of time.
I’m so divinely happy…without embarrassment or irony.
Because four years ago I took a chance on a very yummy man who loves the truest me. (He also kinda loves the me who showed up in her skivvies…I’m just saying.)
So, here’s to love…and Krispy Kreme donuts!

Categories: loss | Tags: anniversary, celebrate, donuts, falling in love, first date, first kiss, fun, happy, high school reunion, krispy kreme, love, pho, silly, Vietnamese restaurant | 2 Comments

cherry pie, high heeled shoes, and unconditional love

Posted on September 30, 2013 by robynbird

Once upon a time there was a little red haired girl.
She loved books and babydolls, green army men and Barbies.
She wanted to be a mommy and a teacher when she grew up.
She loved scrambled eggs and cherry pie.
She loved to play dress up…especially with high heeled shoes.
She had a great big laugh, way bigger than her little body could even hold.
She had her tonsils taken out and also had scarlet fever.
She wrecked her bike…a lot.
She was an excellent tree climber.
She loved to swing.
She loved the smell of lilacs.

She is me.
I am she.

Now I am a grown up red haired girl.
I still love books and babydolls and Barbies.
I am a mommy and a teacher.
I still love scrambled eggs and cherry pie.
I absolutely love high heeled shoes.
I still have a great big laugh.
I had LASIK and a hysterectomy.
I’ve never wrecked my car.
I miss climbing trees.
I don’t love to swing anymore…it makes me queasy now.
I still love the smell of lilacs.

That little girl had some seriously great adventures…some not so great, but she learned from them, the good, the bad, the indifferent. She learned how to become me. And she worked hard to learn how to love being me. I’m grateful for every little thing she experienced.

I remember being her.
I am being me because I was her.

Occasionally, I realize I should treat the me I am now the way I want that little girl to be treated…with kindness and respect and an unending supply of unconditional love.
I realize we should all experience that kind of love.

And get to wear high heeled shoes.

Categories: love, me | Tags: babydolls, Barbies, books, cherry pie, childhood, high heeled shoes, love, red haired girls, scrambled eggs, unconditional love | 6 Comments

Thing 1 says

Posted on September 27, 2013 by robynbird

A curious thing happened…

Thing 1 called me this week specifically to ask a question, but also have a chat. We discussed her question and then moved on to our chat. Somehow, Christmas came up…she told me it’s her boyfriend’s family’s big holiday and she was thinking she’d go there with him. I said, “Well your sister has decided not to come here for Christmas like we planned so I’m not sure how that’s going to affect your decision.”
She said she assumed that was what was happening and then VERY quickly said, “I’m staying out of it. It doesn’t have anything to do with me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
I replied, “Oh I understand. It directly affects me and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.”
She told me her daddy called her that first day as soon as he got off the phone with me. (This struck me as odd, but we’ll get to that in a minute.)
She went on to tell me she spoke with Thing 2 to check and see how she was.
I said, “I’m not going to ask you what Daddy said because it’s none of my business, but I am confused as to why he called you.”
She said, “Mommy you need to know Thing 2 doesn’t hate you. She loves you very much.” (This was almost too much to bear.)
She asked, “Do you want to know what I think? I think it was very stressful for all of us when you and Daddy split up, and we were all exhausted. And I think Thing 2 doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore. I don’t think you guys meant to, like intentionally, but you kind of used us to get at each other.” (This is when I almost had apoplexy.)
She went on to say Thing 2 is happy getting to do what she wants because Daddy is never home and you’re not there anymore and she can just chill. (Chill? No, she’s loving the fact her dad treats her like a roommate instead of behaving like a parent and I’m not there holding her accountable. Sorry…I digressed there.)
She said that Thing 2 just needed a break. Then she said, “Mommy, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, this is just what I think.”
I said, “Bear, you are not hurting my feelings. I appreciate your point of view. I need to tell you something very sincerely and need you to please listen equally sincerely.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I have never intentionally used you or your sister to hurt your daddy. I have never manipulated either of you or him. In fact, I once told your daddy that I would sacrifice everything and walk away from you both to save you from that ever happening to you.”
There was a loooong pause…and then a very quiet, “Oh.” Then I heard her take a deep breath before she said, “I’m so sorry, Mommy, because I know now I did hurt your feelings.”
“No you didn’t. I just need you to know that my intentions have always been pure when it came to you and your sister, I have always put your best interests above everything else.”
“Thank you, Mommy.”

Then interestingly enough…both YBW and her boyfriend showed up simultaneously thousands of miles apart and changed the dynamic. So we said hello to the guys for each other, expressed our love and got off the phone.

Wasn’t that a peculiar bit of insight?

WHY IN THE HOLY HELL DID THEIR FATHER IMMEDIATELY GET ON THE PHONE TO THING 1 AFTER TALKING TO ME???

This has plagued me to no end.
Not to mention the fact that I know who the master manipulator really is. (And it ain’t me!)
Here’s the beauty of the way he functions…he has no conscious clue he does it, he just does! He couldn’t hurt me directly…he had no power to do that…what he had was access to the two people I love most on this planet. And THAT was where he went to work. He was able to manipulate them without their knowledge to hurt me. He used them to hurt me and punish me for hurting him. He was able to watch me suffer and never had to lift a finger.
And why does he get to be with Thing 2 and I do not if she needs a break from BOTH her “manipulating” parents? (I am fully aware I was being immature right there but my kid thinks I did something horrible to her and I DIDN’T!)
Why had I chosen to be blind for all that time? To make a choice to ignore who he really was?
For many long years I have wondered if I could trust him…but now I know I absolutely cannot.

(I didn’t want to shout at YBW about this situation even though it would have been safe to do so, and I didn’t want to talk with Sundance about it because sometimes she and I create a maelstrom that’s hard to escape and I already needed to be less insane about this situation.)

I wanted to write my daughters’ father a letter, one where he could see it in black and white…a letter that said nothing but “I statements”. (I don’t understand this, I am confused by this, I feel sad when I think or hear this…) I was not about to throw accusations or blame…I was going to make it all about me.
But fate intervened in the form of my friend and mentor.
She said, “Do nothing. You raised your girls beautifully and they will see everything one day. They will see you consistently took the high road over and over again. They will see your grace and dignity. He is what he is, a product of his environment, he is somehow emotionally stunted and you can see with your kind heart.”
WOW.
That struck a chord deep within me and I know she’s right.

So I stop and I breathe.
I trust Thing 1 and I trust Thing 2. But most importantly I trust myself.
As much as I hate being on the journey I will admit knowing I’m on the high road makes it a bit less arduous. Surely the high road will get me to my destination sooner or later.

Categories: divorce, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: daughters, divorce, feelings, heartache, hope, loss, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, passive aggressive, relationships, sadness, taking the high road, teenagers, trust | 2 Comments

(love can be both) right-way-round and upside down

Posted on September 26, 2013 by robynbird

I taught a lesson plan earlier this week from a book called ‘Henry and Amy (right-way-round and upside down)’.

This is a book about friendship, specifically a friendship of opposites attracting and helping each other see the beauty of right-way-round as well as upside down.
I used this book in my month-long lesson plan revolving around manners, friendship, and being helpful. We’ve been discussing “good manners”, you know, please and thank you and as one of my precious friends points out, I’m sorry. I’m not as big a fan of I’m sorry…but I’m working with what I’ve got.
We’ve also been discussing helpful hands and feet…did you know helpful hands hold doors for friends or helpful feet don’t kick books?
My little friends do! It’s been a fun and interesting process and I think they’re finally starting to really understand because our director held the door for us this afternoon as we went outside to the playground and one friend said, “Look! Miss Brynn has helpful hands!” And then I heard a chorus of “thank you(s)” even from one little dude who was so busy thanking her he walked into the doorjamb.

‘Henry and Amy’ was one of Thing 2’s favorite books when she was a little girl, she and I would read it over and over with hugs and giggles.
Oh how I wanted to call her when I got home to tell her all about it…but I didn’t.
I’m being respectful of her feelings. I’m acting upon her request.
Golly it was hard. I wanted to share that day with her in ways I don’t even yet understand and I honestly believe she would have loved it.

But here’s the thing: it didn’t hurt.
Yes I was sad, but the memories of Thing 2 and ‘Henry and Amy’ were happy. They moved me into my higher brain…where I was safe and happily swimming around in memories of my sweet little girl.

It was a great day!
It was a great lesson plan.
The activity that followed reading the book and our discussion was spectacular, and when we met again to read the book after the project was finished, my little friends were invested in ‘Henry and Amy’ and they’re beginning to understand the value of helpful friends.

And one day…one day…when she’s ready, I will be happy to share the experience of this day with Thing 2.

Categories: education, love, on being a mom | Tags: best friends, books, children's books, daughters, early childhood education, emergent curriculum, friendship, fun, giggles, helping, love, memories, preschool, silly | 2 Comments

wondering how you are

Posted on September 22, 2013 by robynbird

My friend and mentor texted me this morning: Wondering how you are.
Four simple words made the tears come.
And I’d been holding it together pretty well. (Or I’m getting really good at fooling myself.)

The funny thing is…earlier this morning I was thinking how much I missed Thing 2’s little face, and then it hit me, what I miss most is hearing her voice. Especially her giggle.
That kid has the most infectious giggle you’ve ever heard! Thing 1 once said that if she had to lose one of her senses, she wouldn’t want it to be her hearing because she didn’t know if she could live without hearing Thing 2’s giggle.
(In fact, Thing 2’s giggle is one of my four favorite sounds; the others are Thing 1 saying, “mommy”, the crack of a baseball bat making perfect contact with the ball, and a sound YBW makes when he sleeps.)

But I digress…
My friend and mentor asked if I had video of Thing 2. It’s curious, I have all the photos, but her dad has all the videos, so no, I don’t.
But then I realized I had a 55 second video on my phone of Thing 2 and my niece, Girlie Thing being goofy one afternoon in August. So I rubbed salt in my wound and watched it and here’s what I discovered:
1. Thing 2 sounds quite a bit like me. No longer does she have that squeaky little girl voice, but a strong, rich alto. I was surprised by how much she sounds like me.
2. The giggles you hear more than anyone’s are mine.
3. Girlie Thing and Thing 2 were destined to be in each other’s lives.

Thing 2 and Girlie Thing were being silly and I was so amused, I began to film them.
Thing 2 caught me and said, “Stop filming us!”
She flashed me the ‘double finger’ and said, “Ha! Now you can’t post this!” Then the fingers again.
I laughed and said, “I’m just keeping it for fun.”
“To watch when you’re sad?” She asked.
I giggled and said, “Yes.”
Girlie Thing said, “Yeah, save it for when you miss me.”

Um…are these girls psychic? Am I? Did we know the world as we knew it was about to implode?
No. We were just having a fun afternoon hanging out…each of us thinking it was one afternoon out of the hundreds to come…
It isn’t. There aren’t any more coming…at least not yet.

YBW was ironing new dining room curtains (I know! Isn’t he the BEST!?!) while I was on the phone with Thing 1 the other day. When I hung up, he said something to the effect of, I noticed you didn’t say anything to Thing 1 about what’s going on with Thing 2.
My reply was, “It’s not my story to tell.”
He seemed to feel very strongly it was and was all, next time you talk to Thing 1 she’s going to be like, Mommy why didn’t you tell me about Thing 2?
I don’t know.
Thing 2 might not have the balls to tell her sister.
Or my real fear: Thing 1 will applaud Thing 2. (Does that make me paranoid?)

My darling sister-in-law texted me expressing her love and support after she read my last post, and asking why I didn’t call her with this news.
I don’t know.
I’m still figuring out how to function with it.
I love her so for reaching out to me when I know how hard it is for her.

I packed up all Thing 2’s belongings from her home here and sent them in a box to her home there. Good God, that was painful, packing her meds and clothes and special stuffed animals. I almost kept her favorite special sleeping lovey, Lamby. Not out of spite, but because I felt I wanted to keep a precious part of her. I even wrote her a note explaining why I kept Lamby and sealed up the box. It rode around in the backseat of my car for a week before I actually sent it…and in the meantime, I wrote a new note and put Lamby in the box. Lamby belongs to her, not me.

I am overwhelmed and I feel quiet.
I should be finishing up a paper for school as my term ends next week…I don’t want to write about American History, I don’t want to think about Economics. I want to hug my sweet baby and hear her voice.

As Grandaddy would have said, “You’re old enough for your wants not to hurt you.”

So I’m going back to work…then I’m going to snuggle on the sofa with YBW.

Categories: loss, love, me, on being a mom | Tags: coping, daughters, giggles, home, love, motherhood, parenting, sadness, teenagers | 2 Comments

a week in the life…may I please have a “do-over”?

Posted on September 18, 2013 by robynbird

So preschool still seems to fit me ill…

This frustrates me to no end! I am struggling to bring structure into the classroom, I’m struggling with two year olds who just haven’t experienced the type of routine and expectations I’m bringing with me.
I met with the director again today to voice my concerns…she pointed out the drastic changes in that room since my arrival…she is willing to provide everything on my “wish list”…she needs me and continues to champion what I bring not only to the classroom, but the twos program at large.
And while this is nice…I honestly know what I’m bringing and I can tell you I bring it like a boss! I learned from some pretty amazing teachers. (I’m not bragging, I’m being honest.)

YBW suggested after an almost 10 year break in teaching two year olds, perhaps that ship has sailed…that maybe, just maybe that’s not where I “am” anymore. That even though my heart loves that age, I may be in a different place and it just might not fit me anymore.
I’ve been considering this…my degree is secondary education…this means middle and high school…perhaps it’s time to embrace the teenagers of the world and leave the two year olds to those more currently equipped?
Perhaps I need to give it a little more time. I can feel it easing up…I’m just not on target…of course school only started three weeks ago. I need to cut myself some slack. They’re going to get it as I teach and model it…I need to remember to be kind to myself.
Preschool will be fun once we get our groove on.

And then:

Thing 2 dropped the biggest baddest bomb on me Thursday. “I’m just so done, Mom!”
This means she has decided to no longer consider me as her mother…she isn’t coming to her home here…she doesn’t want me to contact her…she doesn’t want me to “try and take care of” her.

Tears.
Confusion.
Pain.
Anguish.
Tears.
Anger.
Heartbreak.

She says it’s because she “has spent (her) whole life taking care of (me). That (she) has been responsible for (my) happiness and has never been able to do anything, (she) always had to be too perfect and a good kid to please (me). Because (I) told her she was my favorite person in the world, that put too much pressure on (her) and (she) has decided (she’s) unwilling to do it any more.”

WTF?
So much for 16 years of positive relationship…so much for making sure I’ve spent my entire adult life working to do what was best for her (and her sister) .
I am hurt and confused and want to understand how this came about.

My “sister” Sundance told me her Girlie Thing said, “Is Thing 2 mad Aunt Roby moved to YBW’s house? I think I would be if you did that.”
Sundance asked, “Enough to make you not want me to be your mommy?”
Girlie Thing said, “I that what Thing 2 said? No Mommy, that’s not Thing 2, someone else said that first.”

My friend and mentor said, “For the first time in my life, I am literally speechless.” (If y’all knew her you’d understand the seriousness of that statement.) She agrees with my niece, that Thing 2 is “seeing through someone else’s lenses”.

YBW cried with me and said, “I’m not as sad as you are, but I am so very sad.”
He holds my hand quite a little bit more lately because the sadness comes and goes suddenly and without warning. Today he was snuggling with his own Thing 2 and I had to leave the room because I couldn’t watch it…I was already feeling so sad.

The theory is she’ll sort her shit (pardon my French) and come back to me.
My thinking brain understands and mostly agrees, my feeling brain (heart?) can’t seem to go there.

My friend and mentor says, “You raised her well, she’s going to figure out how to see through her own lenses again and she will come back to you. And there you will be with open arms.”

Yes, my arms will be open…will my broken heart ever be able to trust my baby again?
If wishing makes it so…

Categories: education, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: blended familes, daughters, early childhood education, heartbreak, home, loss, love, motherhood, new job, parenting, preschool, sadness, school, separation anxiety, structure, struggling, teenagers | 6 Comments

preschool might be fun after all

Posted on September 2, 2013 by robynbird

I finally got my classroom set up in a way I feel will be successful for the friends and for me.

art center in the foreground

manipulatives, books and the cozy corner

housekeeping, cozy corner, books, and manipulatives

raspberry scented playdough on the table, block center, and housekeeping

I’m slowly adjusting to the new way of being…no more tears, but I meet with the director a LOT! You know how Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”?
Yeah, that’s me. I wasn’t ready to be the lightning rod of change, but the mantle has been draped upon me so I’ll do my best to rock it.

YBW says, “You are a F*&#ING ROCKSTAR!”
My internal jury is still out on that, but it sure is good to hear!

Categories: education, me | Tags: adventure, classroom, conscious discipline, emergent curriculum, fun, learning, new job, play, preschool, rockstar | 4 Comments

preschool is not as fun as I remember

Posted on August 23, 2013 by robynbird

First week at my new preschool and instead of feeling overjoyed, I just want to cry.

This process of adjusting is never easy for me but I am especially struggling with adjusting to this new school. Part of the problem is the school isn’t exactly what it claims to be…Reggio inspired emergent curriculum, conscious discipline…it means well, but it surely isn’t meeting my expectations based on what I was sold.
I’m being assured by the director and compliance manager I’m exactly what they want and need…I’ll bring to the table everything that is lacking as well as my passion and energy for young children. Only I don’t want to reinvent the wheel…I want to teach two year olds, not train staff!
If only my friend and mentor could come spend time here…these people could seriously use her expertise.

I’m struggling with how to process these conflicting feelings…how to find balance between my desire to teach young children and my serious concerns about this new school.
Am I overreacting? (I’m not above admitting it’s quite possible.)
I know I’m having trouble getting my groove on.

I’m not sure how to talk to YBW about this, not that he wouldn’t be a good listener because he would, but I’m afraid I’d feel the need to over-explain everything so he could sort of…I don’t know…catch up?
Maybe I don’t want him to know how unhappy I am. I’m not exactly sure he would understand that it isn’t a reflection of him.

Perhaps I don’t want to consider how unhappy I actually am.

It isn’t the move or being away from Thing 2…though both of these impact me every single day.
Being here has made me feel as though I belong for the first time since I had to leave my first SC home. I am safe and I am loved.
Thing 2 and I are good too. We talk often and text and she’ll be back in two weeks!

I really am so very unhappy about this job.
Whoa! That was VERY important! The fact I used the word ‘job’ and not ‘school’ is seriously telling. I’ve never thought of teaching two year olds as work…I went to school every day…this is me thinking of it as a job. Must pay attention.

I know I need to allow myself more time to adjust.
I’m not ready to throw up my arms and “rage quit”. (Thing 2ism)
My desire to see what can be is very big…my stubbornness is ready to fight for what I hope this can end up being.
But honestly, I just want to lie in my cocoon and cry, because something inside of me knows this isn’t right. And quite possibly won’t ever be.

Gotta breathe.
And just keep breathing.