Posts Tagged With: celebrate

My birthday is sacred, does that mean I’m selfish?

Posted on May 11, 2016 by robynbird

Tomorrow is my birthday!

The forty fifth anniversary of the day I was born.
It is sacred.
But honestly, I think it’s only sacred to me.
The woman who taught me it was sacred is no longer here to celebrate.
The man who loved to join me in my countdown towards it is no longer here to celebrate.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 understand the sacredness of their own birthdays because I showed them how. But do they appreciate the sacredness of mine?
I guess if you break it down logically, they wouldn’t have birthdays to be sacred if I was never born…so they must somehow appreciate my birthday as sacred…?

YBW doesn’t feel as strongly about birthdays as I do.
And the fact that his firstborn son graduates from college tomorrow impacts what’s sacred about May 12, 2016. As it should! Thing C has worked hard to graduate with a double major. This is a “life token” event of high importance! I’m so proud of and for him and he’s not even mine.

Sundance and I talked about spending the day together tomorrow…but I’m not sure I’m actually feeling it. I guess we’ll see when I wake up tomorrow.

I did throw a party last weekend to celebrate both YBW’s and my birthday. We were absolutely celebrated by our friends and had a wonderful time!

But it’s the actual day that matters.
The actual day that one enters this world is what’s sacred.
I won’t be actively celebrated tomorrow. That feels strange to me. Partly because I don’t feel like I can actively celebrate myself.
I feel strongly about celebrating Thing C! He deserves to be loved and celebrated for his accomplishment. It’s not his fault the University decided to host the school of Humanities’ convocation on the day of my birthday.
I hate that I feel conflicted about it. I have the suspicion that it seems as though I’m begrudgingly choosing to attend his convocation. That is absolutely not the case! I want to celebrate this young man. I love him very much and have been through the ups and downs of life with him for the last six and a half years.

What it comes down to is sacrifice. Parents make sacrifices every single day for their kids. Some are teeny and can be made without thought, others are big and take a great deal of maturity to make.
I’m not his mom, but I am a mom. I can put my sacred day on the back burner to celebrate his achievement. I do it with honest intent, not because I “have to”.
I have never considered missing Thing C’s college graduation. I will be there no matter what. Because that’s what you do. That’s how you’re supposed to behave.
But that doesn’t mean I like the way it feels.

That’s been the tricky part.
Feeling like it’s OK to be conflicted. I don’t feel like I can talk about it too much because I don’t want to be hurtful. I would never ever hurt Thing C’s feelings!

Perhaps I place entirely too much importance on birthdays. Especially when I’ve had so many. Am I just that selfish? I’m not above considering that. Am I selfish that I want tomorrow to be all about me? Is that a bad thing? Even though I want it to be all about me, I’m celebrating graduation. Does that mean I’m not selfish?
I guess it doesn’t really matter.
I’ll be forty five tomorrow.
Thing C will graduate from college tomorrow.
I’ll end up being happy about and celebrating both.

Categories: me | Tags: birthday, birthday countdown, celebrate, celebrating, college graduation, conflicted, feelings, graduation, happy birthday, love, sacred, sacrifices, selfish | 8 Comments

santa baby

Posted on December 7, 2015 by robynbird

I absolutely adore this holiday tune!
The original was recorded in 1953 by the ever fabulous Eartha Kitt.
You can listen here: Santa Baby ~ Eartha Kitt

She sings her wishlist to Santa in a playful and sexy way.
I like this combination of playful and sexy. She was a sex bomb! But she was also a down to earth kind of girl. I love that about her. I love that about myself. I’m playful. I’m sexy. And I’m not afraid to be either, or both.

She also asks for a sable which was much more acceptable in 1953 than in 2015, but like Eartha, I too, long for one.
She wants a ring, but not on the phone. How sassy is that?
(I don’t need a ring, Santa. YBW sorted that for me.)
I am, however a great big fan of things that come in the legendary little blue box, so if you’d like to decorate with baubles from Tiffany, I support that wholeheartedly!

In 2011 came an unlikely remake of Santa Baby. By the ever delicious Michael Buble.
Now at first, I was confused.
Then I listened.
You can listen here: Santa Baby ~ Michael Buble

The first time I listened I felt annoyed. There was a whole lot of me thinking: Lookahere, buster! Did you really need to remake this song if you were going to make all these changes?
But then I listened more and began to enjoy it.

He calls Santa: buddy, pally, dude and poppy. It’s obviously more “guy like” than calling him baby. But I think that’s a bit of the problem. It’s as though he and Santa are pals. It doesn’t seem as much singing a wishlist as much as talking with one of his buddies.
(Actually I rather enjoy when he calls Santa ‘dude’. It makes me giggle.)

Of course the things he asks for had to change, partly because he’s a guy and partly with the times. Almost sixty years later, we simply want different things. (A sable, for example, isn’t OK to want in this day and age and we all know why.)
So he asks for a Rolex instead. A fancy watch because he’s a guy. He also changes the car from a ’54 convertible to a ’65 convertible. This guy wants a muscle car not a big ol’ finned boat. Changes the color too, maybe light blue is too girlie for him? He asks for steel blue.
He wants hockey tickets and “cha-ching”. Apparently Tiffany’s isn’t up his alley, he opts for decorations from Mercedes.
But really, dude, why you gonna hang the Mercedes symbol on your tree, that’s just sad. Don’t you know all good things come in the little blue box?

So boys are weird. But this we know.
Anyway, I love his version of this song too. Not as much as the original…probably because I’m a girl. Though I am with Michael on one thing…I’d rather have a muscle car than a big ol’ finned boat. But I’d want mine BRG not steel blue. (I’m just sayin’)

Mostly what I’d like to say is this:
Thanks, Santa Baby. Because I’m getting the best pressie this year! And it’s not in a little blue box.
It’s having my whole family with me to celebrate my most favorite holiday. Two girls and three boys and a new part of my family too, one more boy.
But if you do think I’ve been an awful good girl, I’m open to a new (Tiffany) charm for my (Tiffany) bracelet…I’ll leave it up to you.

Categories: me | Tags: 54 convertible, 65 convertible, British Racing Green, celebrate, Christmas, Eartha Kitt, family, favorite holiday, little blue box, love, Mercedes, Michael Buble, muscle car, pressie, Rolex, sable, Santa, Santa Baby, Santa Claus, Tiffany's | 2 Comments

music makes the wedding go round

Posted on October 15, 2015 by robynbird

We met with the DJ this evening. He’s going to be perfect for what we have in mind to celebrate with our friends and family.
We talked about special music, those songs that absolutely must be played…

Wedding party introductions he’ll play Willkommen from Cabaret with Alan Cumming as the Emcee.
Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome.

First dance:
L-O-V-E ~ Nat King Cole
I introduced this song to YBW and he loved it (no pun intended…well maybe a bit intended)…it was a no brainer to make it our first dance.

YBW’s “dance” with Thing C:
The Pretender ~ Foo Fighters
Thing C played this with his first band at his high school talent show. He’s since moved on to his second band. (they don’t play this song)

YBW’s “dance” with Thing G:
Happy ~ Pharrell Williams
Thing G is the only one of our four who isn’t a music kid…but he LOVES this song! It brings YBW SO MUCH JOY!

My dance with Thing 1:
Raise Your Glass ~ P!nk
What’s the dealio? Thing 1 adores P!nk and we are totally “wrong in all the right ways”.

My dance with Thing 2:
Dancing Queen ~ Meryl Streep, Julie Walters and Christine Baranski (from the movie soundtrack)
We have a whole routine to this song…well part of a routine, anyway…
She just turned eighteen and remarked that she’ll never be the Dancing Queen again because she’s no longer seventeen. I think we’re all a little bit “dancing queen young and sweet only seventeen” no matter how old we are.

Last dance: (save it for me)
Let’s Get it On ~ Jack Black (YEAH! I got it in there after all!!)
Y’all saw this in let’s love…sugar

Whatever gets played in between is fine with me! I’m going to be so busy visiting and hugging my friends and family!

I’m stressed like crazy trying to get the last things finished.
Sundance had the idea we should make the napkins for the reception…Thing 2 and I’ve done literally nothing else for the last two days…Sundance, not so much.
Thing 2 says she’s going to punch her Aunt Sundance in the mouth when she sees her. (I gave her my blessing.)
We decided to take a break tomorrow and just be. (Yay!) Then we’ll get back on it over the weekend.
Thing 1, fiance N and Thing 2’s D will arrive Wednesday. My friend and mentor and her beloved will arrive Friday afternoon. The Arizona contingent won’t arrive till super late Friday (the trouble with flying backwards across the country) so we won’t see them till the wedding Saturday.

My ability to control my anxiety and “freak out mode” is SUPER low…I’ve warned everybody, but at the moment only Thing 2 really understands the magnitude of that.
I was having a total temper fit yesterday and she finally told me: Get your shit together Momma!(The kid doesn’t lie.) I was whining about people volunteering to help but not bothering to show up. My darling (ex) co-teacher is doing all our decorations and has flaked the last two times we were supposed to meet so she could get all the stuff. (I already mentioned the napkin idea girl hasn’t shown up to make any.)

I can’t sleep so I’m writing and drinking wine straight from the bottle. (Classy, I know. But it was only a glassful in the bottom of the bottle so I figured, why dirty a glass.) I might need a Xanax…or two.

I have one more thing to do before I try to close my eyes. Create the special mad libs that YBW and I will write for our guests in the beginning of the response book.
The bride/groom are honored you’re here to celebrate with us and kiss you all!

Categories: wedding | Tags: Alan Cumming, anxiety, Cabaret, celebrate, celebration, Dancing Queen, drinking straight from the bottle, excitement, first dance, Foo Fighters, fun, happy, Jack Black, L-O-V-E, last dance, Let's Get It On, love, mad libs, Mamma Mia! movie soundtrack, music, Nat King Cole, P!nk, Pharrell Williams, Raise Your Glass, temper fit, The Pretender, Thing 1, Thing 2 YBW, wedding music, wedding reception, wedding stress, Willkommen, wine, xanax | Leave a comment

What “should” it be?

Posted on May 28, 2015 by robynbird

I’m going to have to swear off social media for a few days.
I keep seeing my friends with children the same age as Thing 2, children the same age as Thing 2 I’m “friends” with posting about graduation and it’s breaking my heart.
I’m excited and proud for my friends who share their pride and joy about this important milestone. I’m excited for these kids who count down the moments until they’re “free”. (Just stay in high school a bit longer, y’all, the real world can sometimes suck balls.)

I should be doing the same kind of sharing. I should be expressing my pride and joy that Thing 2 is graduating from high school. She should be sharing this roller coaster ride that her peers are on.
Should.
Should is a real bitch of a word. It’s mean and hateful.

I trusted Thing 2 enough to make the choice to get her high school equivalent. She trusted that choice. She appears to have no regrets. I trust that, too.

Graduation isn’t for the graduate.
Graduation is for the parents.

Graduation is for this particular Mommy.

The day Thing 1 graduated was of profound importance to me. I have never been more moved in my adult life as I was that day. To watch my baby take that ceremonial walk was more powerful than I can put into words.
Since that day, I’ve waited to experience similar feelings for Thing 2. My disappointment is bigger than I realized.
I’m not disappointed in her.
I’m disappointed to miss out on that moment with and for her, those feelings about her.

I believe witnessing your child’s graduation is a rite of passage for a parent in way a child can never understand the importance of. A sense of closure as well as a new beginning.
I’m wondering how I’ll experience that with Thing 2. What will that look like? Because it won’t look like a blue cap and gown at Colonial Life Arena in a few days time.

Perhaps it will surprise me when I least expect it.
But that frightens me! If it happens when I least expect it, how will I know the weight and magnitude? How will I know it if I’m not expecting it?
What does a rite of passage look like if it’s unexpected?

I can’t answer these questions.
I can only love my girl like I always have. I’m going to keep trusting her choices. I’m going to trust that we’ll experience our own particular rite of passage and it will fill me with equal amounts of awe and pride and never-ending unconditional love.

I celebrate with my friends in theory…somewhere in my deep in heart. I just can’t do it with photos and memories and hashtags and the like. It’s too painful.
Is that selfish? Or petty? Or simple self-preservation?
Dunno. Don’t care.
Just know I can’t look at other people’s babies in caps and gowns right now.

Thing 2 sometimes reads my words…so these are specifically for her:
You’re savvy enough to know this isn’t about you so I hope it isn’t hurtful for you to read. Your choices are yours to make. I support your right to make choices. I have faith in your ability to make mostly good ones. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and I love you more than the moon and the stars.

Categories: on being a mom | Tags: cap and gown, celebrate, choices, fearfully and wonderfully made, graduation, high school, love, milestone, pomp and circumstance, pride, pride and joy, rite of passage, sadness, should, trust, unconditional love | 3 Comments

counting down

Posted on April 24, 2015 by robynbird

My birthday is in seventeen days. This may be the first year in my life history I’ve not “counted down” those days. The only other person who loved the “Birthday Birthday Countdown” as much as me was my dad. And without him to be silly about it with…well I’m just not feeling it.
This is not to say I’m not excited about my birthday, because I always am!

I think my mom instilled that in me. I grew up rather poor, like the food drive at church would feed my mom, brother and me, kind of poor. (Though I didn’t know that bit of information till I was a grown-up.) Anyway, since we didn’t have much, and there weren’t always loads of pressies or big birthday parties, my mom was very particular about our birthdays. She made such a big deal about celebrating the day we came into this world. It was the most special of all the days. There would always be cake and our favorite dinner…which most times included colored mashed potatoes. I’m not actually sure why, perhaps because they were cheap? I don’t know, but mine were always purple because that was my favorite color when I was a little girl. When I tell people about the colored mashed potatoes they look at me like I’m crazy, but it seems so normal to me…It’s all about how you’re raised I guess.
Colored mashed potatoes aside, celebrating birthdays was of paramount importance and something that has stuck with me my entire life.

I love to celebrate the birthdays of the people in my life! I love to celebrate my own birthday! Not in a way that’s ridiculously “look at me” but more along the lines of I’m special and I choose to honor that for myself.
I absolutely adore birthdays!

YBW asked me what I wanted for my birthday…I told him I want the girls here. That precious man got on the phone with Thing 2 and sorted it. Then Thing 2 got on the phone with me and YBW bought plane tickets for those girls and Thing 2’s boyfriend, D to come for Mother’s Day and my birthday!
I’m so excited! YBW is so excited! Thing 1 and Thing 2 are so excited! D is excited too, he’s not yet met YBW or his two Things! Thing C and Thing G don’t know yet, but they’re going to be excited too!
I called Sundance to see if she, her husband, and Girlie Thing and Boy Thing would come celebrate too. Waiting to hear back from her…oh that would be absolutely the BEST!

I’m going to reach out to Thing 2’s Godfather who works at National’s Park to see if I can get tickets for a game Mother’s Day weekend! YBW, Thing 2 and I would be “pants peeing” excited, not so sure about the rest of them…but it’ll be fun cause we’ll be all together!
I’m so happy!

Birthday Birthday, Thing 1 and Thing 2, YBW, Thing C and Thing G, and Boyfriend D, and my Washington Nationals!
Turning forty-four is going to be SPECTACULAR!

Categories: me | Tags: baseball, being together, birthday, birthday countdown, celebrate, celebration, daughters, fun, happy birthday, joy, love, mother's day, togetherness, Washington Nationals, YBW | 1 Comment

happy birthday, Thing 1

Posted on March 2, 2014 by robynbird

I completed my second decade of motherhood today.
Thing 1 is twenty, but not until 7:21 this evening to be precise. This is the first year I will not be with her on the anniversary of her birth, I thought it would make me feel more sad, but I guess I’m growing too, accepting that she is a pseudo-adult and her birthdays are no longer about her family of origin, but the new family she is beginning to create for herself with friends and fiancee. (That word still gives me pause.)

I was up very late editing the book and slept until 9:00 waking in a momentary panic that I hadn’t yet called her. In addition to not being with her on this day, this year marks the first time I was not the first person to tell her, Happy Birthday. That fell to N this year, as I suspect it will for years to come.
It doesn’t matter though, for she will always be my baby…my very first girl, the one who was given to me to challenge me to be the best possible me. She and I have had some dark times, but the light was always lit just waiting for it’s time to shine again.

N entered her into a contest in which she won tickets to a bridal show in Savannah…so that is how she’ll spend her 20th birthday…how precious, and how appropriate for her.
My sweet girl is no longer stubbornly fighting her Aunt Sundance and me to wear too small shoes. She is no longer swimming in the pool when the water is 50 degrees simply so she could be the first one in and the last one out at the start and close of our pool season. She is no longer that lost girl trying to understand what to make of her world when I changed it by leaving her dad. She is no longer the girl who hurt herself and came to me desperately begging for help. She’s not even the girl we dropped off at college with her most precious lovey, the little pink doll, Emily who had seen her through all her scariest moments.

She is a woman, one who is beginning to make a real plan for her life, to go back to school and study something she is passionate about, to find a job and make a home, and plan a wedding. She is able to open up and be honest with me about who she is and what she thinks and feels.
She sparkles once again, the way she did when she was small.

Sometimes I worry that she is too jaded, so quick to assess and pass judgment because it can come across as unkind…she’s going to have to learn to temper this, perhaps time and maturity will aid in that. I believe she feels safe enough to be who she really thinks she is, even if she’s a bit brash because I trusted her to make her own opinions and express her creativity…it is very hard to have a strong mother, I suspect she felt she had to fight to be heard instead of trusting in me to hear. Perhaps that is why she is quick to express her opinion without thought of how it might make those around her feel.

She is so bright, and interested in things that boggle my mind, she loves science and math, even though she wasn’t terribly successful in those courses. She is truly an artist who has yet to find her medium.
She has made me so proud, not simply because I’m her mom, but because I know her. Yes, I raised her, I did my best to give her a solid foundation upon which to build her life, but I am savvy enough to know that she has impacted her own character and destiny, and I can honestly say, I am proud to be her mom and proud to know her as a person.

Today is bittersweet for me, that little girl is still inside the interesting woman she’s become, but those times are gone, nothing but nuggets of precious memory, old photographs and an indelible imprint upon my heart.
I accomplished and survived her.
My love for her is knows no bounds.
I am still her “Mommy” but I am also something new.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: adventure, birthday, blessings, celebrate, celebration, daughters, grown women, happiness, happy, happy birthday, joy, little girls, love, motherhood, mothers, parenting, relationships, second decade, twenty years, unconditional love | 4 Comments

love and Krispy Kreme

Posted on October 25, 2013 by robynbird

Four years ago some slut met my boyfriend at the airport in her skivvies covered by a red trench coat and high heeled shoes.
Oh…wait. That slut was me. (I’m not really a slut, but you wouldn’t know it by how I went to the airport.)
Golly, I was so nervous. (Like, seriously ready to sell my soul for the guarantee I wouldn’t vomit.)
When I saw him come down the walkway I was suddenly calm. Then there was nothing but my big bucktooth grin and his beautiful blue eyes…he walked silently to me and dropped his bag then took my face in his hands and kissed me. It was an absolutely perfect first kiss.
Actually, that kiss is the entire reason I can write this four years later…for had that kiss not been what it was, I don’t know if we would have ever been a couple. (Does that sound…I don’t know…shallow? I don’t mean it to be, I just know that it didn’t matter if he was spectacular in the sack, if he couldn’t kiss…he wasn’t the man for me. But that kiss was lovely and I was mad about him…so here we are!)

YBW and I went to high school together…we knew of the other, but didn’t really have much contact. I had my circle of friends and he had his…but we did have British Lit together senior year.
Fast forward twenty years, we’ve both been married and divorced, both had kids…both showed up for our twentieth reunion.
Sundance and I went as each other’s date…the plan was “see three specific people and have one drink, then go to dinner and a midnight movie”. (Did I mention she and I are idiots? Because we closed the reunion facility at 11 before moving on to a local watering hole…then closed it too. All of this after we stood in the parking lot trying to decide if we should even go inside. Let me just tell you how glad I am we did!)
All I could say to Sundance on the way home and all the next day was, “Damn YBW grew up yummy.”

So after I returned home, I took a risk…I sent him a private message on FB. We dated via FB and email then texting and on the phone for months before we decided to see what it would be like to try it live…he specifically asked me if I wanted to come to him of have him come to me…without thought, I told him I wanted him to come to me. It made me feel safer somehow.
That was October 24, 2009.
He told me he believed he was falling in love with me that first day, and even though I didn’t know exactly how much of what I felt about him, I didn’t panic! I had been through so much unpleasantness and absolutely did not feel loveable, but I took a leap of faith and trusted him…and let myself fall in love with him.

We knew it would be…tricky to date long distance. And there were a couple of times I didn’t think it was worth it…but here’s a good thing about YBW and me…we can talk with real honesty about everything and when I said, “If this is how you need to be in a relationship, I’m not the girl for you and that breaks my heart.” He said, “I love you, I need you in my life. You are my future.” That was the conversation that changed everything.

Interestingly enough, this is the first time (since the trench coat) we’ve actually spent this day together. When he asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate, I said, “Go get donuts!”
“Don’t you want to go someplace nice or a little fancy?”
“Nope, I want to go to Krispy Kreme with you just like our first date.”
So we went back and forth for a few days…I stuck to my guns…but with the first night of the World Series on the TV in the background, he convinced me to find a ‘nicer place’ to spend our anniversary, so I chose a little out of the way place with a killer wine cellar and when I asked him if he wanted to go there, he shrugged and said, “sure, whatever.” (Not in a total dick way, but it was clear where we went didn’t matter to him.) So I turned off the TV and said, “I’m not sure what’s up with you but you’ve been up my ass to pick someplace nice to go when I told you all I wanted to do was get donuts. If you think I have some big expectation or you feel like you’re in some way obligated to make a big production of it, that’s you…not me.”
He said, “I’m sorry.”
That seemed strange to me, I didn’t think he needed to apologize…but I did finally tell him I wanted him to choose what we did as long as we still got to go to Krispy Kreme.
So Thursday I got a text that read, ‘I’ve decided you need lemongrass chicken tonight’ and I was all WOO HOO! So we went to our favorite little dive of a Vietnamese restaurant where he got pho and I had delicious chicken, and then went and had donuts and coffee.
He held my hand as he drove us home and once again told me happy anniversary. I was one big bucktooth grin and replied, “It was exactly what I wanted. Do you see these teeth? I had the best anniversary and I am so happy!”

And I am happy.
Not because he ‘makes me happy’…but because with him I am as real as I’ve ever been, I am the one true me…I have no fear. The me I am in this relationship is safe and true…and so exquisitely happy.
He doesn’t make me happy.
I don’t make him happy.
We’re just blessed enough to love each other and be happy about it.

Four years seems to have blown by in an instant…the other side of that is it seems I’ve loved him since the dawn of time.
I’m so divinely happy…without embarrassment or irony.
Because four years ago I took a chance on a very yummy man who loves the truest me. (He also kinda loves the me who showed up in her skivvies…I’m just saying.)
So, here’s to love…and Krispy Kreme donuts!