therobynbirdsnest

love is my intention

Posted on September 7, 2016 by robynbird

I recently decided it’s time for me to go back into therapy. I did a little research and found someone I thought I might like. After a bit of phone tag, she and I finally talked for about twenty minutes and made an appointment.
I saw her Tuesday and we instantly began to connect. She has a decent sense of humor and appreciates my snark.

Before we said goodbye, she asked me: What is your intention for your life? How do you intend to live your life? She told me the answer must be one word and one word only. That then I would have to define this word. Not via Webster’s or Oxford English, but my own definition. What does the word I choose as my intention mean to me? She suggested I use all my senses. What does is look and feel and taste like? She wanted me to journal this.

This fascinated me. I was electrified at the idea of this task.
From the moment she asked the question, my entire being knew the word I would use.
But I stopped for a second and promised myself to sit with it for a while before answering. And I did. (sit with it, that is) The word never changed.

I came home and wrote in my journal.

What is my intention for my life? How do I intend to live my life?
one word
The word is: love
How do I define love?

love is everything
love is paying attention to myself and everyone around me
love is being mindful
love is dancing in the rain
love is jumping in puddles
love is warm and soft
love knows what’s up
love is spending time behind the lens of my camera
love is writing
love is the girlie giggles of my girls together
love is learning
love is books
love is music
love is movies
love is kindness
love is a sincere apology
love is feeling everything but never feeling terribly overwhelmed
love sounds like giggles
love looks like a beach sunrise
love smells like an old bookshop
love is a bicycle bell
love is delicious kisses
love tastes like fresh strawberries
love is baseball season
love is the crack of a bat
love is the cool crisp air of autumn
love is Saturday mornings on the porch with YBW
love is me at home in my own skin
love is great conversations with dear friends
love takes its time
love is knowing what’s right in my gut
love is feeling hopeful
love is being peaceful
love is being creative
love is collaboration
love is being stimulated in my brain
love is sacred memories
love is knowing I always do my best
love is a hot bubble bath
love is cool drinking water
love is emotionally embracing everybody I care about most
love smells like peonies
love is art
love is the arts
love is pointe shoes and tutus
love is faith
love is being kind
love is doing what’s right even and especially when I don’t want to
love is learning from my mistakes
love is defending the innocent
love is teaching and learning
love is new experiences
love is robin birds
love is a good pedicure
love is creating
love is strength and vulnerability
love is taking a big breath
love is being patient
love is fighting the good fight
love is knowing I’m enough

Now I’m not sure if that’s exactly what Mezeline had in mind…but that’s my version of how I intend to live my life…with love.

Categories: me | Tags: acceptance of self, definition, faith and trust and pixie dust, focus on self, love, peace, self awareness, self help, self love, self worth, therapy, true self, trust your faith, trust your gut, trust your instincts, trust yourself | 11 Comments

candy

Posted on September 5, 2016 by robynbird

I’ve been on a Paolo kick lately. This one spoke to me today and I felt like sharing it with y’all.
Please listen responsibly.

Categories: me | Tags: fun, i dig music, love, music, music that moves, paolo nutini, playful | Leave a comment

I amuse myself

Posted on September 4, 2016 by robynbird

Well, I finally finished my mind map!

No. Not really.
But almost.
I amuse myself.

Categories: me | Tags: all in good fun, amuse yourself, amusing, fun, funny, humor, mind map, mind mapping, sense of humor, silly | 1 Comment

specific example of love and strength

Posted on September 4, 2016 by robynbird

I’ve known Catherine since I was eighteen years old. We developed a deep and everlasting friendship. She was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. She has woken up at my home on Christmas morning almost as many times as Thing 1 and Thing 2. She would have been the one to raise my children had something happened to me and their father.
We know each other’s families, have been there for each other through thick and thin. Laughed and cried together, and loved like crazy.
We sometimes go months without speaking, but that never matters. We simply pick right back up where we left off as though a moment hasn’t passed. So when I got a message from her Thursday that said, “Bob passed away this morning, will you please come to the service with me?” My only answer was, “Of course I will!”

Catherine was married to Bob for twenty years. They’d been married a year or two when I met her. They were a curious couple, but that old adage about opposites attracting seemed truly embodied in these two. The girls said their names almost as one long name: “CafferineandBob”. To this day, if I say something to one or the other of them about Catherine, they’ll say, “Cafferine Catherine?” To which I smile and reply, “Yes, Cafferine Catherine.”
As I say, they were happily married, and they suited each other. And they were an important part of our life.
But one day twelve or thirteen years ago, Bob disappeared. I mean that literally. He just left. No explanation. No information. He literally disappeared off the face of the earth. Left Catherine holding the bag of their life. She suffered from the unanswered questions. She suffered with the pain of loss. She suffered doubt and confusion. She suffered from the barrage of questions coming at her that she simply couldn’t answer. Then she suffered financially as folks came out of the woodwork to collect on random Bob debts. She was blessed to have good people around her. She suffered, but she had love and support to keep her safe and sane.
What that man did to her was inexcusable. I could never accept his behavior. I never forgave him for what he did to her. He had no idea what she went through. That woman is made of the toughest stuff. She moved forward in grace and gained strength from that pain, but never got hard. She has a deep and all-encompassing love inside her.

Then, a couple of years ago Bob showed back up. He’d been on a soul searching journey. He’d suffered great pain and loss and didn’t know how to deal so he simply disappeared.
He showed back up on the arm of the widow of his recently deceased cousin announcing they were to be married and wanting his things.
Catherine provided his belongings and promptly told them to…well, I’ll just say she bid them adieu.

She had real love.
She had real pain.

Bob was sick with cancer and died quietly at home Thursday morning.
Catherine not only went to his funeral, she spoke eloquently about love and life and peace. I have always been proud to call her my friend. But in that moment, standing in the tiny cemetery in the warm sun and cool breeze, I was witness to another specific example of the love and strength inside Catherine.
She is and extraordinary woman. How fortunate for me that we love each other.

Categories: death, loss | Tags: abandonment, death, divorce, family, family and friends, friends as family, friendship, grief, loss, love, pain | 2 Comments

Billy Wilder said

Posted on September 2, 2016 by robynbird

Billy Wilder said,

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own instead of someone else’s.”

Dude knew what was up. I mean, have you seen his movies?

This speaks straight the core of me.
My instincts reside in my gut. I trust my gut above all else.
That brain of mine might be bright, but the propensity to obsess negates my instincts. And my heart, while it loves with an endless ferocity, is so busy feeling every last thing that it’s rather useless when it comes to instincts.

“Your mistakes might as well be your own.”
Were ever truer words spoken? I’m so serious!
Every single time I’ve voiced my instincts and they were not heeded, something’s blown up in somebody’s face. That includes me too, y’all.
BUT(!!) sometimes I have trusted my gut and still had things blow up in my face. That’s OK too.
When provoked, I tend to be reactive. I’ll make a snap decision and then stand on my principles until the cows come home…then stand on the cows, you know?
I won’t back down. That’s my stubborn streak. Even if I’d like to “take back” something I said or did, I won’t. Because I stubbornly stick to my guns, however much I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face. (Yeah, yeah, mixed metaphors, what are you going to do?)
So, if I’ve made a mistake, I’ll admit it…but only to myself. The important part of mistake making is having the strength to own it. I can’t change anything I’ve said or done…sometimes they’re mistakes, other times, not so much…whatever the outcome, I’m content in knowing I made the choices.

We’re all going to make mistakes.
The important part is to remember this: If you’re not trusting your instincts, you’re not making your own decisions, which means you’re not making your own mistakes.
Trust your instincts enough to make your own mistakes. I promise you it’s worth it.

Categories: me | Tags: Billy Wilder, choices, feel all the things, feelings, make choices, make mistakes, obsession, principles, stubborn, trust your gut, trust your instincts, your mistakes might as well be your own | Leave a comment

teeny little significant things

Posted on August 31, 2016 by robynbird

It’s the little things. The teeny little seemingly insignificant things.
These little things make the biggest impact.
I got a teeny little thing with huge impact this morning in the form of a text message from YBW.
I’m not going to tell you what it said, because, well…I don’t want to. And that’s not really what’s important. What’s important is the act of writing and sending the text.

Each of us gets caught up in our own “stuff”. Makes it tricky to remain aware of what’s going outside our own heads. I had a long talk with my friend and mentor the other day. It was lovely. But it took so much of my energy. I’ve been trying to have an important conversation with Thing 1 for well over a week now. I honestly haven’t had the emotional energy. Haven’t seen Sundance or even talked to her for a while. Haven’t even been doing simple hashtag communications with my sister in law.
I’ve been to much in my head. I’m working on slowly shifting my focus outward. It’s hard and I feel lazy…but I’m working at it.
That sweet message from my husband this morning furthered my effort and helped me see he’s working at the same thing.

Tomorrow is September 1. The start of ‘meteorological fall’.
Now, most people see fall as the dying time. I see it as a time of starting new. Perhaps that’s residual from all those years of new children in the classroom in the fall? I don’t know…
But I’m looking at fall as a time to start everything new. New attitude with old projects. New projects with excitement.
Perhaps the wretched hot and humid weather will decide to become new and bring cool crisp air for me to breath. And temperatures that don’t cause you to break out in a sweat the moment you walk outdoors.
But I’m not expecting that until October…Indian Summer is the way of early fall in the Metro area. I know this. I’m just feeling hopeful!
Hope springs new for this little red haired girl in the Autumn.
I’m ready to do the hard work.
This used to be my “catchphrase”…it’s been a long time since I felt like using it…but to life in general, I say a great big, “BRING IT!”
(Until I wake up tomorrow in a foul mood…then I’ll be back to my grouchy self and have to start all over again.)

Sometimes, Oscar is my spirit muppet.

Categories: me | Tags: acceptance of self, autumn, bring it, emotional health, emotional pain, emotions, energy, fall, focus on self, grouchy, indian summer, kindness, love, Muppets, Oscar the grouch, positive encouragement, positive energy, relationships, self awareness, Sesame Street, significant things, small things have big impact, Thing 1, wellbeing, YBW | Leave a comment

back to school rant

Posted on August 29, 2016 by robynbird

I find myself wondering why certain people simply cannot be positive.
I mean, sure we all have those moments when we feel negative. When we’re at the end of our ability to give one more teeny tiny damn about whatever it is.
But I’m talking about people who are actively negative. Do they lack hope? Are they not skilled in observing the positive in any thing?
Imagine what their inner speech sounds like! Imagine what they heard as children…what they continue to tell themselves as adults. Why, it breaks my heart! What is it like to be inside that head with no idea of how to hope?
Honestly, it breaks my heart.
But it also makes me angry.
It makes angry because these negative people inflict the same things on their own children. The first thing that comes to mind is negative. Hope is a foreign concept.
I’m talking big broad concepts this morning, I know…but I’m angry.

I checked social media this morning to see all the “back to school” posts and photos. Kids I taught when they toddlers are in high school now. Kids I taught when they were toddlers are in kindergarten now. Kids I’ve known since they were toddlers starting college now!
I have so much joy seeing these photos! I have so much hope for these children!

And then I come across a post that made me want to kick someone in the face.
A post of our own Thing G starting his junior year posted by his mother. Who couldn’t put a positive spin on anything if a gun was held to her head. She has a knack for posting things to get positive feedback. When I read her posts,I’m often thankful that I know I’m enough. That I know my own worth even on days when I don’t feel it. I don’t need people to boost my self confidence.
This morning, I saw a photo of YBW’s baby captioned with the saddest bunch of drama you’ve ever seen. Words written with designs on having comments to boost the mother’s confidence and nothing about the child. The words she wrote focused on his diagnosis. Focused on the most negative aspects of his personality. Under the guise of her “being hopeful” his teachers would see his good traits as apposed to these negative ones.

I was so angry. How dare she use him like that to get attention?
I just want to shake her and say:
How about YOU see your child for his good traits!?!
How about YOU focus on what he is capable of doing!?!
How about YOU have a little faith and trust!?!
How about YOU stop putting YOUR stuff on a child that has enough on him already!?!

I’ve posted stuff about my children on social media for years. First day of school pics included. I’m sure that I’ve posted things that may be questionable. But I guarantee I’ve not done it with negativity. I guarantee I’ve not done it to get more attention.
Parents are proud. We live in an age where it’s no longer photos in your wallet that you bring out and pass around. We’re posting on social media, we’re sharing photos online. I mean come on! We’re even creating hashtags for events! Parents are proud to share their accomplishments, and the accomplishments of their children. I love sharing things about my girls.
I worry about motivation. I worry about how what you say and post online will be forever out there. I worry that one day a child will read what a parent writes and hear nothing but negativity. I worry the child will further internalize that.

I’m angry because it’s so not fair!
Children deserve better.
Parents deserve better.
And people who are exposed to you on social media deserve better.
It’s the first day of school, for the love of all things holy! How about a little hope!?! I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Rant over. Please continue with your regularly scheduled reading.

Categories: me | Tags: angry, back to school, blessings, children, education, excitement, family, first day of school, inner speech, love, parenting, rant, selfish, social media, YBW | Leave a comment

baseball and the first amendment

Posted on August 28, 2016 by robynbird

We went to the Newseum on Friday before we headed over to the Nats game.
Two of my absolute most favorite things!
I was getting my dork on something fierce at the Newseum!

Do you know on the front of the building is printed what I consider the most important words ever written in the history of the United States?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Those words! Even just writing them here on this page gave me the gooseflesh.
I don’t think many folks ever really think about the importance of the first amendment. I think about it every single day. I am a woman in a country where I can say what I think without worrying about my safety. I can have a relationship my God without the interference from the government. I can read any news and know that it’s been (mostly) fair, unbiased, and not at all controlled by the government.
What would have happened to Woodward and Bernstein, or Ben Bradlee and Katharine Graham in the early 1970s if there was no first amendment?
Look how many places there are in the world where this isn’t the case!

Newseum Freedom of the Press Map

I am the first amendment’s biggest fan! (I’m so sure there are loads of folks who say the the same thing. But I’m not talking about them today, I’m talking about me.)
I’m oftentimes jaded about our government. I’m oftentimes jaded about our archaic constitution. But I have moments when I am at one with the concepts that helped create our government…

It was steamy at Nationals Park Friday night. Gio Gonzalez pitched beautifully. Both Daniel “Hits” Murphy and Thing 2’s beloved “greasy hobo”, Jayson Werth hit solo dingers. Murphy had a ground out RBI and Werth hit an RBI double. The “face of the franchise” Bryce Harper hit a two run triple.
We cheered. We clapped. We high-fived and fist-bumped all night long. There were beautiful plays in the field. The boys of summer where on it Friday night!
The Nats won in a walk off the first game of their series with the Rockies. (as it turns out, it was the only win of the series)

Categories: me | Tags: baseball, Ben Bradlee, Bob Woodward, boys of summer, Bryce Harper, Carl Bernstein, Colorado Rockies, Daniel Murphy, first amendment, free exercise of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, government, history, Jayson Werth, journalism, Katharine Graham, National's Park, Nats Park, Newseum, right to assemble, right to petition the government for redress of grievances, The Washington Post, US Constitution, Washington DC, Washington Nationals | Leave a comment

mind web…sort of

Posted on August 27, 2016 by robynbird

All set up and ready to rock.
Of course, I began…then panicked. Ripped out the first attempt and folded it in half. Then I made a list on the folded page to organize my thoughts.
Yeah, I’m aware that’s not exactly how this process is designed to work…but that’s how I work…so there it is.

Now I’m armed with list in hand to keep my thoughts organized. My perfect collection of colored pencils and myriad Sharpie and Crayola markers wait at the ready.
I’ve got this.
Sort of.

Categories: me | Tags: integrated curriculum web, making a list and checking it twice, mind map, mind mapping, OCD, organization, organizational skills, organize | 2 Comments

the only way out is through

Posted on August 25, 2016 by robynbird

I’ve not been shy about discussing my recent emotional dilemma.
I’ve not been shy about talking about it with my friend and mentor, Sundance, my sister in law, and Nora. I’ve freaked out to them about relationship stuff, but also just my stuff. Girlfriends lend a sympathetic ear when you’re frustrated. They provide a hard look at your own reflection when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I’ve gotten great advice from each of them…I’ve gotten a bit of crap advice from each of them…but mostly, they’ve just loved me through my struggle.
I have the luck to be friends with a man who is an excellent listener without giving unsolicited advice. I’ve talked to him about me. Where I am personally. In my life…in my head.

Where I’ve been emotionally has a great deal to do with perspective. Mine was skewed. It isn’t anymore. I experienced a shift in my perspective and everything became more clear.
It hit me like lightning! And I became a completely different girl…well not really, but I began to think about things in a completely different way.

Sundance fed my OCD cravings for organization by presenting me with the idea of going back to a paper planner. We discussed brands and what she was using and how, for her, it’s like “scrapbooking” with a purpose. I’m enthusiastically embracing this “old” way of keeping myself organized!
My sister in law encouraged me to write down everything as I thought or felt it, which lead to a new and rather visceral way of journaling.
Nora encouraged me to be patient…and I was…sort of…and turns out being patient lead me to this place.
My friend and mentor reminded me to place the anxiety where it belongs.
A conversation with Jack regarding my reservations about my degree plan lead me to an exciting new idea. He suggested I explore this mind mapping as a way of prioritizing all my “stuff”. The more I looked at this mind mapping, the more I realized it’s rather like an integrated curriculum web! Now this is something with which I have quite a bit of knowledge and experience! And a new, but familiar way of sorting my shit was born!

sample mind map:

sample curriculum web:

The Robynbird stuff is feeling much more settled. I feel grounded. I feel like I’ve got this. “I am at home with the me. I am rooted in the me who is on this adventure. This is me breathing.” Dr Oatman ain’t got nothing on this little red haired girl.

I finally feel like I can take big deep breaths and move forward.

The relationship stuff…well I didn’t exactly place the anxiety where it belongs, I was simply able to finally put down the anxiety that isn’t mine. Understanding, patience, love, and time is what will ease that weirdness. It’s journey, right? I’m not on a lone journey…how silly of me not to take that into account.
So, we don’t have a clear vision of the journey. So, we don’t know exactly where we’re headed. So, the path gets tricky. The only way out of the woods is through the woods…if we come across lions or tigers or bears (oh my!) we’ll just figure that out then.
The journey we’re on as a couple might just need to make a pit stop. We can do that. Take a break, take a breath, take a nap. And when we’re ready, when each of us is ready to move forward, we’ll begin to move again.
My personal journey, the journey I’m on as a girl getting along and singing her song, is moving at a full tilt boogie. I’m so enthusiastic about it! I’ve been spinning my wheels in the ick for far too long.

The only way out of the ick is through it.
Alanis knows what’s up.