on being a mom

Underwood!

Posted on June 11, 2013 by robynbird

Thing 2 found this gorgeous typewriter while we were thrift store browsing today.
I heard, “Mommy!! Come quick!”
When I arrived at the sound of her voice I saw her…hands hovering over the keys, body nearly vibrating with excitement. “Look at THIS!” She said to me.
“OHMYGOD!” Said I, “do you know what this is?”
“A typewriter.” (Like, DUH.)
“Not just any typewriter! Hemingway wrote on an Underwood! And Fitzgerald! And Harper Lee!! Oh my God, (insert Thing 2’s name) this is amazing! I want it!!”
“Too bad Mommy, I found it and I call dibs.”

Thing 2’s birthday is next month, she will be 16…for less than $50 birthday came early for this young lady.
We brought it home, (Damn that thing is heavy!) she set it up and said, “I’m a finally a real writer.” I can hear the clickity clack of the keys from the other room as I write these words.
She just called out, “thank you so much, Mommy!”
“You are so welcome, baby!”

My heart is near bursting!

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: literature, thrift store finds, typewriter, underwood, writer, writing | 2 Comments

a different perspective

Posted on May 30, 2013 by robynbird

This morning in a quick text message I told YBW, “Sweet darling boy, I love you so!!”
To which he responded, “Most of the time that amazes me.”
So naturally I asked, “What? Why?”
It wasn’t until after I switched to chat and said, “Is it because you’re a big dork?” did I see that he replied, “I guess I’ve been feeling below average this week.”
(Yeah…feeling like the best girlfriend on the planet right about here.)
I write in the chat window, “I just saw your text. I was being flippant not unkind.”
And this is when he said a very interesting thing, “I need more flippant I think.”
“You’re about to get a big redhaired assload of flippant.”
“YAY!”
“You say yay now…I worry you’re going to be like, you’re a total bitch! Which, if you recall I told you when we first started talking.”
“Well I’ll just slap you in the mouth.” (Immediately followed by KIDDING!!!!!!)
“You’ll draw back a nub.” (Mommie used to say that, and P.S. I knew he was kidding.)
He replied, “HAHAHA I know you’d kick my ass.” (So we’ve already got that one straight.)

(I swear to you I’m going to make a point…the “backstory” is important to where my thought process took me.)

I told him I believed he needs to be shaken up, that he’s ruttified (yes, I made it up…too many years of watching Joss Whedon shows coming back to bite me in the ass) and that he can’t seem to shake himself out of it. I asked what happened to living for yourself a little more. I told him I thought perhaps we were meant to help each other do that, and I acknowledged it would be hard for him to change his focus from his two Things to himself.
This is when he said, “I wasn’t using those words, but I was thinking about that this weekend.”
(It happens to be the weekend the two Things are at their mom’s house…these weekends are very hard on YBW, even after all this time.)
I said, “What a great opportunity for you! Getting to begin a “new” life at this time in your life. Big kids who need less. More you time. More us time. It’s an ADVENTURE!”
Now, oftentimes when I speak to him of adventure he kind of ‘poo-poo’s’ it, as though his life isn’t his, it is theirs, and he doesn’t think he’s deserving of adventure. But today he said, “Thank you! I need a different perspective.”

A different perspective.

I have approached life with a different perspective since making the decision to leave this place and live with YBW full time. I realize that my two Things have been raised “properly” to the best of my ability, not within a vacuum, if a certain person is to be believed, and I have responsibilities towards them, but at this stage of the game I can take a step back from them, shift my focus if you will, and learn to pay attention to what I need.
The needs of Thing 1 and Thing 2 will never be discounted, but I no longer need to be hyper focused on them…I actually probably never did need to be hyper focused on their needs…but I was, so what are you going to do? Hindsight and all that jazz. (But I digress.)

I’m at a new stage in my development as a parent…that ‘one foot in the (partially) empty nest and the other foot longing for the days before kindergarten’ developmental phase.
This new place in which I flounder is curious to me. I know, and I mean truly know, deep in my gut that it is time for me to tuck back my wings and trust these two Things can fly on their own. There is a nest to return to…two actually…as their dad also has a nest for them. I have faith that I gave them what they needed and they’re capable of choosing to utilize that to make the best choices. And if they crash and burn I’m always their safe place, but I’m no longer completely responsible for the choice or the consequence. The flip side of this seeming enlightenment is me coming straight home because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do and feeling guilty when I don’t. Of choosing not to leave the house because I don’t know what the Things might need or want. The guilt chokes me. But I am learning to recognize it, and hopefully, starting to change my behavior will ease the guilt as I recondition myself.
I’m kind of like a deer in the headlights with all this free time and extra energy. What can I do? What do I want? What sounds like fun for me?

I think YBW is in this deer in the headlights place too…I don’t think he knows yet. Or rather, I don’t think he is choosing to admit it to himself.
His Thing 2 is younger than mine…by 3 years…so he’s still got more parenting prep work to do…but I don’t think he’s ready to see his Thing 2 in a new and different light. YBW’s Thing 2 is a special little dude…he’s on the super-high-functioning end of the Autism spectrum…he is freakishly smart, but not great with social situations. (Think…a 13 year old Sheldon Cooper.) Couple this with serious impulse control and anger management issues thanks to his ADHD and you have a kid who has struggled to “be like all the other kids” from the time he was about 3 years old.
Now, I didn’t live through him being kicked out of day cares or being suspended from elementary school, neither did I experience the process of fighting like mad to have him diagnosed and starting medical treatment. YBW and his Thing 2’s mom were very, very brave. They amaze me.
But I often wonder that because I didn’t live through all of this, I can see their Thing 2 with a bit more clarity, or at the very least, without bias. And what I see is an extremely bright boy, who is scarily smart about math, reads well above grade level and was the only 6^th grader from his school who placed in the district’s science fair last year. I see a boy who is quick to laugh and hug and be silly. I see a boy who is so much more capable than anyone realizes…and who, in my opinion, should be given the opportunity to show that. I see a boy who struggles to understand sarcasm and asks ‘inappropriate’ questions at ‘inappropriate’ times. (I use quotes because he has no real social filter and occasionally he will say something or ask a question in public that is more appropriate in a private situation.)
This boy is forgetful and he doesn’t pick up on the fact that sometimes he comes across as rude or unthinking, because he is neither, he just does not adhere to social niceties. I could go on and on, but I really wanted to focus on the positive things I see while acknowledging the less positive.
My point (I told you there was one.) is this: I think YBW is so fearful that his little Thing 2 isn’t going to be successful in acclimating into regular daily life, he’s fearful that it will always be hard for his Thing 2. That he won’t find real friends, or love, or a job that he’ll be happy with or successful at…and that’s when I want to say, “DUDE! Stop right there! ALL parents worry about that for their kids! It’s about the wellbeing of our babies…and even though yours had a rough start doesn’t mean anything different.”
What I do say this, “give him a chance to dazzle you.”
YBW needs to pull back his wing and let that little Thing 2 test his own wings a bit.
But I don’t mean this in an ‘I’m telling someone how to raise their kid’ way…I mean this in an ‘I love you and want what’s best for you’ way.

And this all brings me back to a different perspective.
Focusing on you. Not the kids, not the house, not your job, etc.
Just you.
Believing that you exist for yourself, doing what you want just because you deserve to be taken care of as well as those you care for.
Honoring yourself…as a person, not just a parent.
If we saw someone treat our children the way we oftentimes treat ourselves…well let me just tell you I’d get my icepick and go on a stabbing spree. What does that say? It says we’re not kind enough to ourselves, we don’t do fun or nice things just for us.
And that is an absolute shame.

YBW is a smart, funny, kind and loving man, I believe he deserves to experience life as a man, not just as a dad. So he can begin to figure out what he wants just for himself, is it something fun? Is it something active involving a kayak? Is it sitting at home in his jammies playing video games? Is it lying on the sofa with his head in my lap watching nerdy television? Doesn’t matter as long as it pleases him…as long as he does it for the sheer joy of doing it…his own personal joy

I say this to him…I say this to all of us:
What happened to that sense of adventure?
Find it! Find it NOW!
Dust it off and try it on for size…does it fit? If it’s a little tight, tug on it and it’ll fit…if it’s loose here or there, tuck it in and go! The more you wear it, the better it will begin to fit.
Honor yourself! Take yourself on an adventure! Do it with love and kindness and for the love of all things holy, make sure you do it with a sense of humor!
I’m ready for my next adventure.
Are you?

Categories: love, me, on being a mom, peace and wellbeing | Tags: love, parenting | 4 Comments

Robynbird as a phoenix

Posted on April 6, 2013 by robynbird

After spending the last several weeks feeling frightfully anxious, I have finally become absolutely still.
Well, not completely still…but definitely peaceful.

Thing 2 and I had very big and serious conversations about moving forward. That girl, she never ceases to amaze me…she is kind and compassionate, though never swaying from her pragmatic point of view. She was very specific about how she expected this new way of life to look…what each of our responsibilities would be. I made a list of our individual expectations…they were almost identical. One stipulation she had that didn’t surprise me, but made me so glad she felt she could say it, she wants to come sometimes without YBW’s two Things so she can feel as though she has our undivided attention. “And sometimes, Mommy, can we do things without YBW too? Just the two of us?”
Yes my darling, we can.
She is clear about her needs, she is clear about her expectations, she is clear about what this new way of being means…we’re going to have to wait a little while to see how it feels…but we’ve built in safeties to address that too.
I have misgivings about leaving her, not because she can’t handle herself, but because I will miss out on the daily things that make me equally glad and horrified to know her. (I say this with a smile)
I can hear my friend and mentor saying, ‘you did it!’ and ‘trust her’ and continuing to remind me ‘she didn’t grow up in a vacuum’. (still smiling)

I wonder if it sounds like I’ve let a 15 year old girl make this life altering decision for me. Allow me to assure you, as I had to really assure myself, that is not the case. I decided this all by myself. Of course I had to consider how specific people felt about it, I then had to decide how to incorporate those feelings, but in the end, this rested on me.
I have never ever made a major decision by myself.
This shames and frightens me to admit. Alas, it is true. What I learned in the last month (ish) is really about me. I am smarter and infinitely more capable than I’ve ever realized, or been lead to believe.
I have listened to and trusted my gut and in that, I have found peace.
I’m not peaceful because I’m going to be with YBW. I’m not peaceful because Thing 2 and I made a solid plan. I am certainly not peaceful because I had to listen to a barrage of all the reasons why this would be horrible for Thing 2 and for me. I am peaceful because I took in only the information I needed. I considered the angles, the pros and cons. I examined how much of my parenting is “what’s good” for Thing 2, and how much of it is selfishly motivated.
You know, I came out the other side feeling…well…reborn actually. As though I was a phoenix, and at the end of the absolute worst day, I burst into flames. Flames that destroyed my doubt and fear and insecurities (well, some of them anyway) and awoke the following morning lighter and more clear, with a brand new concept of myself and my place in the world.

I am a great mom. Nothing will ever change that. But now…now I’m a greater me. And that is worth everything.
This little Robynbird became a phoenix for the most important moment, and the gifts it provided will shape an entirely new way of being.

Categories: me, on being a mom | 2 Comments

sussing it out

Posted on March 20, 2013 by robynbird

So without going into great detail…due to some landlord changes I am going to be homeless sometime between now and the summer.
Isn’t that just peachy? What I love most is the absolute lack of time schedule.
And because I’ll be homeless, Thing 2 will be living with her father.
This pleases me not.
He has swayed her with promises of a brand new suspended bed, a fenced yard for her dogs, not to mention the general fact she’ll have a roof over her head. She is excited for her new living arrangements, as she should and deserves to be.
I on the other hand, want to make swift use of my icepick.

After many tears and panicked phone calls to YBW, and my friend and mentor, not to mention conversations every single day for the last ten days with the doctor I work for…I have decided…to stop and breathe.
Yes breathing is good.
My doctor says, “you’ll come stay with me for a little while.”
My friend and mentor asks, “what do you want?”
YBW (indicating himself) says, “your home is right here.”
I am surrounded by kindness. Why does that surprise me so? Oh yeah, because I’ve not experienced kindness for a while.

Financially, I’m…well…little more than a pauper. I work two part-time jobs and I’m a full-time student. Honestly that’s all I can say.
So, not having a place to live and not exactly having the means to find another place leaves me…out.

The former husband (my best friend for the last 25 years, even after we weren’t together anymore) has shown his true colors and I honestly cannot believe I was stupid enough to let him mistreat me for so long. The level of pain his behavior has caused throughout this situation has truly shocked me, and I no longer see the man I loved, but the manipulative, passive-aggressive monster I was told he was all along.
I can only hope that Thing 2 has seen his behavior with clear eyes…at the same time my heart breaks for her, I hate that she’s seen her beloved daddy in this way.
I can no longer be a buffer between him and my child (Thing 1 is a dyed in the wool daddy’s girl which is perfectly acceptable) but Thing 2 has always had the protection of me between herself and her father. I hate that she’ll be exposed to him without that mommy buffer, but I can’t do anything about that.

I can feel my friend and mentor encouraging me to focus on me and not them. Yes ma’am.
So what do I want?
Beats the hell out of me.
Well I better suss it out quickly.
All I can do is nod.

As I drove Thing 2 to school one morning this week, she took my hand and said to me, “Mommy you should go live with YBW where you’ll feel safe and loved. I can come visit you, and YBW loves me too so we’ll be safe and loved while we’re together.”
My friend and mentor says, “you did that, she didn’t grow up in a vacuum.”

I think, yes please. Which is immediately followed by, but it’s so far away from you.
So I said to my darling Thing 2, “it’s so far away. And what about the everyday stuff?”
“We can call and text and email and face time and skype and I can come see you.”
I paused, my friend and mentor and I had a long conversation about how it might work, then I said, “if that is how it goes we have to make a commitment to each other…”
“I am committed to you Mommy!”
I hadn’t even finished my sentence and she’s committed to me…is this a girl I can live without?

YBW and I discussed the practical stuff, where would my things go? How would we do financial stuff? When would I arrive? Would I cook for him and do the laundry? (my absolute favorite household chores I do when I’m there anyway) Then he said to me that his own Thing 2 (he has two Things just like me, but his Things are boys) would be the happiest boy ever if I came to live with him. (YBW’s Thing 2 and I have our own special love)

So in the last ten days, this has been my life. Hateful little fish swimming round my brain. The bastards.
Needless to say, nothing has been decided.
Thing 2 and I must discuss how we move forward before I can even begin to make a decision. Can we do it well? I trust us. I believe Thing 2 trusts us. We can do it.
I need to really heed my friend and mentor’s advice, and ask myself what I want…and be able to answer it with brutal clarity.

I have wondered for a little while if something ungoverned by me would force this decision sooner than expected…I’m thinking of the Fates, the three sisters who pull the strings…and how much I want to stab those bitches with my icepick.
I am reminded of Scarlett O’Hara who said, “…they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over…”
I wish I could talk to my mom.

I can do this. I can make sure Thing 2’s needs are met and I can focus on making sure mine are too. I am brave and I am strong and I am loved by wonderful people who are working hard to support me through this insanity.
I am going to be safe and loved no matter where I lay my head.
If I say these enough I’ll begin to believe them.

Categories: divorce, me, on being a mom | Tags: divorce, love, moving, parenting | 2 Comments

my half-life

Posted on February 24, 2013 by robynbird

I live a rather frustrating fractured sort of half-life.

I stupidly fell in love with a man who lives 500 miles away from me. I say stupidly because we are both rooted where we live because of our children. I am asked quite frequently why I don’t move where he is…the response is always the same: Thing 2. Thing 2’s daddy has even said to me, “your heart is there why don’t you just take Thing 2 and be there?” Initially I told him I didn’t want to take Thing 2 away from him, but the reality is I can’t take Thing 2 away from her life. She has a wonderful group of friends and is active in the theatre program and on the newspaper staff at her school. She has created a full and healthy life for herself and I cannot in good conscience take her away simply for my own happiness.
Thing 2 has suggested to me that I go there and she will come be with me in summers and school breaks…absolutely NOT! I will not choose to live my daily life without Thing 2! Sure, sometimes I get sad I’m not with YBW every day…but nothing will ever be worth choosing to not see Thing 2’s face every day. Even when that face is filled with “wizard angst” and her behavior follows suit, I would never trade her for anything else. I am selfishly here to be Thing 2’s momma because I cannot be parted from her…though in all honesty, she needs me to be her momma every day, she wouldn’t be anywhere near as well rounded as she is if I was not in her daily life.

But the rest of my heart is 500 miles away.
I often ask YBW if he struggles with the distance, he tends to agree that the distance is hard but he doesn’t ever seem to let it adversely affect him. I haven’t figured that out…I also haven’t decided if it hurts or makes me angry…mostly I don’t understand the ability to be so cavalier about it. He has said that he knows this is how it is and must be for a bit longer so he simply accepts it and goes about his business.
So what? I’m just some freak show girl who obsesses? (Well yeah, but that’s not the point.) I too, accept the facts of our circumstances, doesn’t mean I like them. As a matter of fact, I quite hate the facts! As far as I’m concerned, the facts can just bugger right off!
I’m so tired of living this partial existence, this deadening limbo in which I chronically spin my wheels. Waiting…waiting…waiting for my daughter to grow up so my life can start. Only I don’t want to wish her life away, I love being a part of her life!
I’m a mature woman (though reading this might make one wonder) and I can be patient. I want Thing 2 to have the most magnificent life humanly possible and I want to be with her until life would naturally part us when she goes away to college.
The selfish, willful, foot-stamping, temper-fit throwing toddler inside me wants to be with my boyfriend all the time! I want to see his face every day too! I want my Thing 2 and my YBW!
Alas, one at a time is the way it must be.
I dream of sleeping and waking with him and in my dreams I intrinsically know I do it every day, I can absolutely feel it!
I know that reality will be mine…when it’s supposed to be and not before. (I am making the pouty stink face, but I do accept it) In the meantime, I will continue to be a great mom and go to work and finish school and attempt to be content and fulfilled in the life I have.

I know I will struggle in whatever life I have, I know that being with the man I love isn’t going to magically make everything all better…I think it’s more that I want to feel safe and as though I’m where I belong as I figure out what the hell it is I’m doing with this life I was given.

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | 5 Comments

Blue felt patch

Posted on February 5, 2013 by robynbird

I am exactly where I belong and LOVE is in me!

Leaving the grocery store I saw a mom and little girl getting into their car. The little girl’s outfit caught my eye (brown ugg-like boots with white tights and a pink tutu dress with a gray zip up hoodie) and then she turned around.
I was jolted with electricity.
She had a blue felt patch with a smiling yellow sunshine over her little glasses.

I stopped and said, excuse me.
The mom looked up and I said, I don’t mean to interrupt your morning but I just wanted to say…I paused, golly I had so much to say with no idea how to say it all and I couldn’t take my eyes off that little girl’s face.
I composed myself and continued, when my daughter was little she had the exact same patch for her glasses.
Really?
Yes.
The little girl’s smile matched my own.
Do you like your patch?
Yes ma’am.
And you wear it like you’re supposed to?
She nodded grinning.
Good for you! I promise you if you keep wearing it, it will make a big difference. My daughter is big now and doesn’t have to wear hers anymore, but I still have it.
You do?
Oh yes I had to keep it because it is so special, it helped her see better.
The little girl smiled SO big.
I thanked the mom for their time and to have a nice day.
My heart is near bursting.
I have no idea what our encounter meant to them, but I can tell you I am filled with such joy it has nowhere to go but out my eyes!

In this moment I feel completely connected to the world around me and know I have a purpose in being present.
The trick will be to learn how to hold onto that feeling when I go back to the tedious chore of living my everyday life.