my half-life

I live a rather frustrating fractured sort of half-life.

I stupidly fell in love with a man who lives 500 miles away from me. I say stupidly because we are both rooted where we live because of our children. I am asked quite frequently why I don’t move where he is…the response is always the same: Thing 2. Thing 2’s daddy has even said to me, “your heart is there why don’t you just take Thing 2 and be there?” Initially I told him I didn’t want to take Thing 2 away from him, but the reality is I can’t take Thing 2 away from her life. She has a wonderful group of friends and is active in the theatre program and on the newspaper staff at her school. She has created a full and healthy life for herself and I cannot in good conscience take her away simply for my own happiness.
Thing 2 has suggested to me that I go there and she will come be with me in summers and school breaks…absolutely NOT! I will not choose to live my daily life without Thing 2! Sure, sometimes I get sad I’m not with YBW every day…but nothing will ever be worth choosing to not see Thing 2’s face every day. Even when that face is filled with “wizard angst” and her behavior follows suit, I would never trade her for anything else. I am selfishly here to be Thing 2’s momma because I cannot be parted from her…though in all honesty, she needs me to be her momma every day, she wouldn’t be anywhere near as well rounded as she is if I was not in her daily life.

But the rest of my heart is 500 miles away.
I often ask YBW if he struggles with the distance, he tends to agree that the distance is hard but he doesn’t ever seem to let it adversely affect him. I haven’t figured that out…I also haven’t decided if it hurts or makes me angry…mostly I don’t understand the ability to be so cavalier about it. He has said that he knows this is how it is and must be for a bit longer so he simply accepts it and goes about his business.
So what? I’m just some freak show girl who obsesses? (Well yeah, but that’s not the point.) I too, accept the facts of our circumstances, doesn’t mean I like them. As a matter of fact, I quite hate the facts! As far as I’m concerned, the facts can just bugger right off!
I’m so tired of living this partial existence, this deadening limbo in which I chronically spin my wheels. Waiting…waiting…waiting for my daughter to grow up so my life can start. Only I don’t want to wish her life away, I love being a part of her life!
I’m a mature woman (though reading this might make one wonder) and I can be patient. I want Thing 2 to have the most magnificent life humanly possible and I want to be with her until life would naturally part us when she goes away to college.
The selfish, willful, foot-stamping, temper-fit throwing toddler inside me wants to be with my boyfriend all the time! I want to see his face every day too! I want my Thing 2 and my YBW!
Alas, one at a time is the way it must be.
I dream of sleeping and waking with him and in my dreams I intrinsically know I do it every day, I can absolutely feel it!
I know that reality will be mine…when it’s supposed to be and not before. (I am making the pouty stink face, but I do accept it) In the meantime, I will continue to be a great mom and go to work and finish school and attempt to be content and fulfilled in the life I have.

I know I will struggle in whatever life I have, I know that being with the man I love isn’t going to magically make everything all better…I think it’s more that I want to feel safe and as though I’m where I belong as I figure out what the hell it is I’m doing with this life I was given.

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Categories: love, me, on being a mom | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “my half-life

  1. I can relate to that, living the ‘half-life’ until things are sorted and time moves on to a place when you can begin FULLY living again.

    • Yes, Elizabeth, fortunately the time of half-life is coming to a close and I will begin the new phase of my (hopefully full) life in two short weeks. Love is big and will help me sort it out as I continue to fill myself back up. Thank you!

      • Hello. I started reading your posts from earlier to later so maybe I should read ahead. i am glad that you are soon to be moving on so soon to a new phase of life. I bet that there is a huge weight off your shoulders (as there always is when a decision is hard) and you will soon start flying. best wishes

      • Ha, now I see that I have read some of your later posts but i had forgotten the parts about you moving (or I had not know when I had read them about your dilemma of you leaving your daughter with your ex-husband). One thing for sure, with your new partner, you will be able to set up a new base as a sanctuary of support for your daughter to call home and she will treasure that because you will be there.

  2. You are so right about creating a new home and sanctuary. Thing 2 is a online high school student, which has created new patterns for sharing her life with both her dad and me. She has been very specific about her hopes and dreams for our “new” family (the one we’ll be creating with YBW and his two Things) she’s already talking about creating ritual with YBW to further cement their bonding. Her dad and I have sorted out the timing of how and when she will be with each of us. She is excited to be nearer her “aunt” Sundance and cousins, and have them be a part of her new family.
    What excites me, what makes me happy is that I am feeling as though I’m finally beginning to breathe again, to see the sun and appreciate its light and warmth. My new family, my new “full life” as you say, is ready for me and I am ready for it, a life where I will create an emotionally safe place in a new and different nest. Bring it!

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