A woman I love very much (more than she even knows) sent me a text message today that read, “You’re the one person I have to be real with and I can’t go there!”
Now today just isn’t the day for me to engage her…I have the keenest desire but absolutely don’t have the energy…but what she said in all its naked honesty has completely taken over my thought process.
I believe it’s about feeling safe.
Children must feel safe to explore and learn and develop, adults must create safe environments where the children can thrive emotionally as well as physically. As you mature you outgrow that created environment, you leave the safety of school classrooms, leave the shelter of home…and you realize you must create your own safe environment.
This is where it becomes problematic.
As lovers or partners or spouses we work to create a place where the other person feels safe, as parents, we instinctively create safe environments for our children. So why don’t we create our own little emotional sanctuary? Why don’t we feel emotionally safe in our daily lives?
I know why I don’t feel emotionally safe, quite literally I could make a list, but the truth is I don’t feel safe in my everyday life because I put my emotional well-being in the hands of others. I didn’t know that “the others” wouldn’t help keep me as safe as I kept them and by the time I realized what had happened it was too late, I wasn’t safe and I was the one who let it happen. I’m working on learning how to create for myself what I have created for the people I love.
Does this mean I created a safe haven for the sender of the text? I have certainly tried to. Does she feel safe there? Perhaps not safe enough, hence the “I can’t go there!” So I will shore up the safety and trust that she’ll become comfortable enough to decide to “go there” with me when she needs to.
We all have to shore up the safety for ourselves, create the safest refuge humanly possible not just for the people we love but for ourselves. If I feel safe I can open my mind more, see more, explore and learn more. If I feel safe I can open my heart more, love myself as well as I love those in my life.
If is a gargantuan word for only having two letters.
So how about when.
When I feel safe and when I have felt safe consistently, and for long enough, I will open my mind and heart more.
And maybe, just maybe my nest can provide shelter for someone I love until she begins to feel safer in her own.