So an impromptu trip to see YBW this weekend led to an interesting conversation…
He told me he read my last post and wondered if we needed to talk about it, he wanted to know if I needed him to behave in a different way regarding our relationship. He feels strongly that the more spun up I get about any topic he must be especially calm as though he is the yang to my yin. He doesn’t want to “ratchet up” (how cute is that?) my anxiety by feeding it so he remains calm and level-headed.
Theoretically this is genius…in reality I occasionally require someone to get ass deep in the crazy with me and indeed ratchet it up. As I am saying this to him he looks at me quizzically but says nothing, so I continue to explain how sometimes if I’m in that state of crazy and the ranting is in full swing I benefit from a ratchet man to keep feeding the rant until I eventually run out of steam which means the crazy has run its course and will go away for an extended period of time.
He acknowledged my point and explained how he doesn’t function that way because once his crazy is in full swing it doesn’t just finish, it ebbs and flows, therefore his choice is to defuse it while it’s still manageable.
Ahhh…so he’s doing what he thinks is keeping me safe and sane. Isn’t he lovely?
Then he told me that he knows I desire to be with Thing 2 more than anything in the world, but I don’t say that very often, mostly I talk about how hard it is to wait to be with him.
As the old saying goes: ‘wild horses couldn’t drag me away’ from Thing 2…but something bigger and meaner and stronger than wild horses…I mean titanic in ferocity and scope…even this enormously fierce yet unnamed thing still would not, could not keep me from her. Which I said to him, to this he responded, “yes I know that I just don’t hear you say it much.” I said, “because it’s a given.”
He nodded…he knows.
And then something hit me, something that I didn’t know was still hidden deep inside me:fear.
Great big tear inducing fear!
I told him perhaps I do need you to get spun up about it occasionally, because I would know you’re as serious about this as I am. Because if this relationship isn’t your future I don’t want to find out then, after all the changes have been made…
I honestly had no idea I was so afraid of that. But there it was deep down in me…the putrid maw of fear yawned open, razor teeth bared and at the ready and I was so frightened of falling into that chasm and never being able to get out. (Yeah, so much of that isn’t about him.)
He took my hand and leaned over putting his face close to mine and said, “you are my future.”
And he meant it.
I don’t ‘feel better’ about the waiting…the waiting is tiresome. But I’m learning this thing called patience, and from what I can gather, waiting is part of it so I say “bring it!” I can learn patience…I just hope its easier than geometry.
My now is here with Thing 2 in these precious last years of her being my baby and me being her momma before she leaves the nest revising what it means. My now is here in a job I truly enjoy, working for a person I absolutely adore and have fun with. My now is school and studying and writing papers and lesson plans. My now is collaborating with my dear friend and mentor. My now is monthly weekends with YBW. My now is really pretty decent…must remember to remain present.
I’m a destination kind of girl…not so much with the journey. I want to get where I’m going and do it efficiently and with a quickness.
I will strive to remain present on this journey.
But I reserve the right to get ass deep in the crazy…just in case.