Posts Tagged With: love

lunch at El Pobs

Posted on July 30, 2013 by robynbird

Went to lunch with my former husband today, it was fun and bittersweet all in one fell swoop.
We ate Mexican food (I drank a margarita) and talked about random day to day things…job stuff and practical stuff, but mostly we talked about Thing 1 and Thing 2 and what it’s like to be their parents. We discussed how it will be as we move forward and parent from two entirely different physical places. We discussed faults (without any real blame) for behaviors and actions specific to Thing 1, and he apologized. We talked about how it will be to trade Thing 2 back and forth over 500 miles and that it will most likely be a very good experience for her.

We’ve been lucky to remain close even though we’re no longer a couple, but I believe it’s because we were friends before we were a couple to begin with…and actually, we were more best friends who raised kids together than anything else and that’s just fine with me.
Now this is not to say we didn’t have bad times, because did we ever! And he is manipulative and passive aggressive and I am selfish, stubborn, and controlling…honestly I’m not sure how either one of us stood the other for as long as we did.
But the love is real and it won’t ever go away.

I’ve known him since I was seventeen years old, he knows all my history and I know all his. I’ve known him for over a quarter century, had his name for more than half my life. We have been through the good, the bad, the indifferent…it was hellish and it was lovely. I broke his heart when I chose to end our marriage, I’ll always be sorry for that but I will never be sorry for deciding to do what was best for both of us.

I’m glad he and I made those two Things. I’m glad I got to be a stay at home mommy for so long, to play and learn and love those awe inspiring girls. They are my babies, my heart, and I wouldn’t have them if it wasn’t for him.

I feel overjoyed knowing in four short days I’m going to be in my new life, with the man I love. I deserve every bit of the happiness I’m about to experience.
I wish the Things daddy his every heart’s happiness too, I hope he chooses to embrace it, whatever it may be.

Categories: divorce, love | Tags: blessings, divorce, feelings, friendship, love, moving, parenting, sadness, saying goodbye, sharing | 11 Comments

6 teenagers and a hammer

Posted on July 26, 2013 by robynbird

I just told a 17 year old girl, “you need to settle down with that hammer, young lady.” and six teenagers burst out laughing.

This is a foam hammer that has been covered in duct tape “so it will hurt more”. The hammer was being used to…well…hammer knees. (Which was actually rather amusing.)

Thing 2 and five of her friends are hanging out, they were playing Risk when I rolled in, now they’ve moved on to a game called Resistance.
I cannot describe the entertainment value! Apparently there is a “game” they play…when someone belches everyone must say a color, the last one to speak must make a “sex noise”…I am HOWLING at what these kids think sex noises sound like!!

They’ve settled into their game and there is less belching and color shouting going on…I’m listening (though not “creeping”) to them talk about the game and it actually sounds quite interesting…I’m going to drink a beer(s) and try to write a paper (which might look a bit more like me watching Sherlock for the fourth time)

This is one of my favorite Friday nights in a long while.

Categories: love, on being a mom | Tags: best friends, friendship, fun, love, parenting, silly, teenagers | 6 Comments

But where are the feels?

Posted on July 25, 2013 by robynbird

Everyone keeps asking if I’m “so excited”. Of course, I say I am but I’m sitting here this morning and I’m feeling pretty much anything but excited.
This morning I’m pouting because (I am not really a grown up) I can’t swing a visit with my friend and mentor before I leave next week.
I’m pouting, but I don’t feel petulant, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. My heart is heavy. But I had to make a responsible choice…a responsible financial choice. (Huh! Maybe I really am a grown up after all.)

I don’t feel excited. I don’t feel anything. (Well, obviously I feel pouty, I just said that.) But I want to feel excited! I want to be jumping up and down “pants peeing” excited!!
Am I so displaced at the moment I just can’t feel anything?
OR (this just occurred to me as I’m writing) is it that I’m suppressing my feelings, good and bad, so as not become overwhelmed by them? This actually seems more like me…so I’m not excited because I’m not feeling grief for the life I’m leaving, sadness at not being with Thing 2, anxiety about having to assimilate into YBW’s life, my new job, and how that might be.
(This is one of those moments I want to “Gibbs-slap” myself.) Instead, I’ll treat myself with kindness and love, and take the time to allow myself to feel all these things so I can begin to feel excited.
OH! WAIT! It’s because I don’t feel safe! I’m not settled! I’m struggling to write, I’m struggling to feel because I’m displaced…to quote Elvis Costello, “a man out of time”. (Except, of course I’m a girl and I’m not really out of time, I’m out of “home”…that song seemed applicable in my head so I went with it.)

And why am I judging how I “should” be feeling? Why don’t I just accept how it is?
I’m going to have to let myself feel or not feel as is natural!
I’m processing. I’m on the journey. I’m going to let go of the wheel for a split second and let it take me…
(Did I mention I’m a destination girl? The journey makes my ass twitch.)
I’m processing…I’ll feel what I feel when I feel it.
I think I’m excited somewhere in there…I know I’m ready for the next week to hurry up and go so I can get in my car with my precious Thing 2 and go home.
Yall get to come with me.

Categories: loss, love, me, peace and wellbeing | Tags: adventure, anxiety, assimilation, destination, excitement, feelings, fun, journey, loss, love, moving, new home, new job, parenting, sadness, saying goodbye, saying hello, wellbeing | Leave a comment

Goodbye. ~ Hello!

Posted on July 22, 2013 by robynbird

Less than two weeks and I’ll live with YBW!

Thing 2 and I are making plans for the two weeks she’ll spend with us…what to pack for her room there, what we want to do, who we want to see…she wants to see her Aunt Sundance and cousins the mostest. (Me too!!) She wants to go to IKEA with YBW so they can eat in the restaurant and piddle around the store then have ice cream as they leave. (They both love IKEA like crazy.) She wants to have lots of snuggles. (My favorite!!)
I want to kiss YBW, see Sundance, and unpack my books. After that, it’s gravy.

I’m sad to leave my friends here, I’m sad to leave my doctor and our patients…I’m sad I won’t be close to Thing 1 and Thing 2’s daddy anymore.
Moving is hard…moving on is hard too.

Excitement is big though! Not only will I be with my darling YBW, I’ll be “going back to my roots” teaching at a wonderful, emergent curriculum-based preschool only 4 miles from home! Oh how I’m ready to be in a room full of toddlers!

Life will sort itself as I move through the process of saying goodbye to one life and hello to another…I’m going into this adventure with eyes, heart, and arms wide open.
Wish me luck!

Categories: love, me, on being a mom | Tags: adventure, books, bookshelves, friendship, fun, love, moving, new home, new job, parenting, saying goodbye, saying hello, unpacking | 2 Comments

Butch and Sundance

Posted on June 16, 2013 by robynbird

I suspect there are millions of people on this planet who can say the following sentence with absolute conviction.
I have a best friend.
So what makes it any different when I say it? Well, of course it’s because I have an exceptional best friend.
Yes, I am fully aware that we who claim to have a best friend believe we have an exceptional best friend. . .isn’t that kind of the point? I mean look at the adjective before the word friend. . .best.
But what happens when you put the word friend next to this word best?
The meaning may be changing a little, no? Tweaking just a bit here or there. . .because I imagine for each one of us that word best takes on a whole new meaning when we apply it to our own friend. And these friends could be any shape or size, male or female…some people might even tell you their pet is their best friend, but for me, that is not the case.A best friend, no matter who or what they are and where or when they enter your life, is nothing less than a gift from the gods. That one person in your life you are absolutely capable of living without, but would never choose to. That one person who knows your foibles and graces, all your deep dark secrets, what you look like when you’re heartbroken or so very manically happy. That one person who if had been born your sibling, you would despise each other into oblivion, but through the beauty of chance has become your true sister. The one person in all the world you’re not afraid of what they think of you because you can show this person your most horrid self and there is no judgment, only love and support, and more than likely a goodly bit of teasing.
This friend could be a sibling, aunt or uncle, parent or child even. . .or it could be a girl you met one day sitting at a lunch table in a high school cafeteria.
Which brings us finally to my best friend. I did meet her when I was a senior in high school where we did sit at the same lunch table with a crazy rag-tag eclectic group of people, some of whom I can’t even remember now. We didn’t start out as best friends then, we just knew each other and enjoyed making fun of each other and those around us.
It wasn’t until after first semester of college that we became best friends. The strange thing about it was it was instantaneous! I found her one night quite by accident, sitting on the sofa in the living room at my future husband’s. Without a word or any kind of plan we became best friends that very night and the rest is. . .well, I guess you could call it history. A long sordid history to be sure.

My best friend and true soul sister, has the most beautiful blue eyes, which she has in turn, given to her little daughter. Her wicked sharp sense of humor which can slay at the drop of a hat, is a double edged sword. For those who cannot grasp the artful quality of it, there is a serpent’s sting about it that undermines the brilliance. This ability to amuse and wound equally just might be my favorite thing about her, even when the barbs might be directed at me. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, how can we learn to laugh at all?
The other side of this strong worded and willed woman is a less than sure soul. My initial desire is to take her soul in my hands and hold it like a baby bird, to croon sweetly to it and keep it safe. Which is strange, because her actions create the illusion of one who is a protector, though as fiercely protective as she is I have found she has always been in need of being protected herself. That is one way we fit so perfectly together. . .we have been able to nurture the other and be nurtured in return without compromising either one’s dignity.
She is the only person I know who has the same strange ability to store and recall countless bits of useless trivia as me. Actually I know many people who can recall bits of trivia…but everyone seems to have their niche, their own special topic. We just store random facts. One of our favorites is the following and it goes a little something like this: Chinatown in Washington DC has the largest single span Chinese arch in the world. We know this because we spent a fair amount of time in Chinatown shopping for supplies to throw a “Chinese Take-Out” party.
No one cares about that arch. No one really listens to us when we relay that very cool fact…but it’s our fact and we like it.

We like to think of ourselves as outlaws. . .I’m Butch Cassidy and she’s the Sundance Kid. We’re not really outlaws. . .that’s our fantasy us. We’re just us. We’re just regular girls, however “outlawish” we want to pretend to be.
We like to say and do outrageous things for the sheer pleasure of it and sometimes simply for the shock value. Just to see how much we can rock the boat without actually falling out. And we have done seriously stupid things when it comes to boat rocking. . .sometimes I’m amazed to find there is still a boat for us to be in.
There are people who will tell you that she is a bad influence on me. I suspect there are people who say the same thing to her too.
I don’t really believe that. I don’t really like it either, what gives anyone the right to judge our friendship?
What about the times she is the only sane person I know? What about the time she drove panic stricken for two hours after not hearing from me for thirty-six hours to find me in my bed so miserable I couldn’t get up? That time I know she thought something really bad because when I woke to find her sitting on my bed with tears in her eyes, and as I lie there curled on my side looking silently up at her our tears spilled and mixed together so that when they landed on the soft cotton pillow we couldn’t have known which were hers and which were mine, but they all smelled exactly the same way, a combination of relief and joy.
What about the time the whole world closed in on her and I was the only person who loved her in exactly the way she needed? Without judgment, without irony, with just my heart opened to her when she needed to be loved more than any other time in her life.
So I believe the naysayers should simply. . .fade away.

We have always said we each have one half of the same brain. And for a long time it was like that, finishing each others sentences, thinking identical thoughts, knowing intrinsically what the other needed at any given time. But then I did the unthinkable! I packed up my whole life, my half of our precious brain and moved it all five hundred miles away. The disappointment and pain were palpable. She never said a word, she was supportive and tried to look at it as the same adventure I did. She was good, but the sense I had betrayed our friendship was overwhelming me even though I was so excited to begin the new life.
It was hard at first, the not being twenty minutes away from each other when we wanted a glass of wine after work, or to go shopping, or even just to sit on the couch together and watch a movie we’d both seen nine thousand times. But here’s the thing about being so far apart, it made us stronger and in so many ways, healthier. We could no longer take the other for granted. There is not as much time together in the same physical space, but we’ve embraced technology and spend great amounts of time emailing, texting and talking on the phone. We approached our friendship with more effort and commitment since I moved. We tried harder and make it more special. We have to make each time we see the other count for more. Sometimes when see each other, its like the recharging of a battery, sitting on the sofa in our jammies sharing music from one computer to the other all day long. Other times its just going as hard and fast as we can, like the weekend we spent shopping and drinking martinis from the moment we woke until we fell exhausted into sleep after a midnight movie, only to get up and do it all over again.
I worry about the time and distance…that it did create a bit more distance emotional distance, not just physical distance…especially recently, since I began seeing YBW. It was hard for her, to feel like someone had become more important to me than she. Of course that isn’t the case…there will never be another human being who is truly a part of my soul the way this Sundance girl is.

She has seen me through every trial, every bit of fear and sadness. Through all my joys, and there have been many. I have hurt her so deeply, as she has me, but we heal and become stronger. We become better people and in turn, better friends. She has taught me the value of having that one person who, no matter what, will stick with you when all the others run screaming for the hills.
And really, what more could I ask for?

Categories: love, me | Tags: best friends, friendship, fun, love, true sister | Leave a comment

a different perspective

Posted on May 30, 2013 by robynbird

This morning in a quick text message I told YBW, “Sweet darling boy, I love you so!!”
To which he responded, “Most of the time that amazes me.”
So naturally I asked, “What? Why?”
It wasn’t until after I switched to chat and said, “Is it because you’re a big dork?” did I see that he replied, “I guess I’ve been feeling below average this week.”
(Yeah…feeling like the best girlfriend on the planet right about here.)
I write in the chat window, “I just saw your text. I was being flippant not unkind.”
And this is when he said a very interesting thing, “I need more flippant I think.”
“You’re about to get a big redhaired assload of flippant.”
“YAY!”
“You say yay now…I worry you’re going to be like, you’re a total bitch! Which, if you recall I told you when we first started talking.”
“Well I’ll just slap you in the mouth.” (Immediately followed by KIDDING!!!!!!)
“You’ll draw back a nub.” (Mommie used to say that, and P.S. I knew he was kidding.)
He replied, “HAHAHA I know you’d kick my ass.” (So we’ve already got that one straight.)

(I swear to you I’m going to make a point…the “backstory” is important to where my thought process took me.)

I told him I believed he needs to be shaken up, that he’s ruttified (yes, I made it up…too many years of watching Joss Whedon shows coming back to bite me in the ass) and that he can’t seem to shake himself out of it. I asked what happened to living for yourself a little more. I told him I thought perhaps we were meant to help each other do that, and I acknowledged it would be hard for him to change his focus from his two Things to himself.
This is when he said, “I wasn’t using those words, but I was thinking about that this weekend.”
(It happens to be the weekend the two Things are at their mom’s house…these weekends are very hard on YBW, even after all this time.)
I said, “What a great opportunity for you! Getting to begin a “new” life at this time in your life. Big kids who need less. More you time. More us time. It’s an ADVENTURE!”
Now, oftentimes when I speak to him of adventure he kind of ‘poo-poo’s’ it, as though his life isn’t his, it is theirs, and he doesn’t think he’s deserving of adventure. But today he said, “Thank you! I need a different perspective.”

A different perspective.

I have approached life with a different perspective since making the decision to leave this place and live with YBW full time. I realize that my two Things have been raised “properly” to the best of my ability, not within a vacuum, if a certain person is to be believed, and I have responsibilities towards them, but at this stage of the game I can take a step back from them, shift my focus if you will, and learn to pay attention to what I need.
The needs of Thing 1 and Thing 2 will never be discounted, but I no longer need to be hyper focused on them…I actually probably never did need to be hyper focused on their needs…but I was, so what are you going to do? Hindsight and all that jazz. (But I digress.)

I’m at a new stage in my development as a parent…that ‘one foot in the (partially) empty nest and the other foot longing for the days before kindergarten’ developmental phase.
This new place in which I flounder is curious to me. I know, and I mean truly know, deep in my gut that it is time for me to tuck back my wings and trust these two Things can fly on their own. There is a nest to return to…two actually…as their dad also has a nest for them. I have faith that I gave them what they needed and they’re capable of choosing to utilize that to make the best choices. And if they crash and burn I’m always their safe place, but I’m no longer completely responsible for the choice or the consequence. The flip side of this seeming enlightenment is me coming straight home because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do and feeling guilty when I don’t. Of choosing not to leave the house because I don’t know what the Things might need or want. The guilt chokes me. But I am learning to recognize it, and hopefully, starting to change my behavior will ease the guilt as I recondition myself.
I’m kind of like a deer in the headlights with all this free time and extra energy. What can I do? What do I want? What sounds like fun for me?

I think YBW is in this deer in the headlights place too…I don’t think he knows yet. Or rather, I don’t think he is choosing to admit it to himself.
His Thing 2 is younger than mine…by 3 years…so he’s still got more parenting prep work to do…but I don’t think he’s ready to see his Thing 2 in a new and different light. YBW’s Thing 2 is a special little dude…he’s on the super-high-functioning end of the Autism spectrum…he is freakishly smart, but not great with social situations. (Think…a 13 year old Sheldon Cooper.) Couple this with serious impulse control and anger management issues thanks to his ADHD and you have a kid who has struggled to “be like all the other kids” from the time he was about 3 years old.
Now, I didn’t live through him being kicked out of day cares or being suspended from elementary school, neither did I experience the process of fighting like mad to have him diagnosed and starting medical treatment. YBW and his Thing 2’s mom were very, very brave. They amaze me.
But I often wonder that because I didn’t live through all of this, I can see their Thing 2 with a bit more clarity, or at the very least, without bias. And what I see is an extremely bright boy, who is scarily smart about math, reads well above grade level and was the only 6^th grader from his school who placed in the district’s science fair last year. I see a boy who is quick to laugh and hug and be silly. I see a boy who is so much more capable than anyone realizes…and who, in my opinion, should be given the opportunity to show that. I see a boy who struggles to understand sarcasm and asks ‘inappropriate’ questions at ‘inappropriate’ times. (I use quotes because he has no real social filter and occasionally he will say something or ask a question in public that is more appropriate in a private situation.)
This boy is forgetful and he doesn’t pick up on the fact that sometimes he comes across as rude or unthinking, because he is neither, he just does not adhere to social niceties. I could go on and on, but I really wanted to focus on the positive things I see while acknowledging the less positive.
My point (I told you there was one.) is this: I think YBW is so fearful that his little Thing 2 isn’t going to be successful in acclimating into regular daily life, he’s fearful that it will always be hard for his Thing 2. That he won’t find real friends, or love, or a job that he’ll be happy with or successful at…and that’s when I want to say, “DUDE! Stop right there! ALL parents worry about that for their kids! It’s about the wellbeing of our babies…and even though yours had a rough start doesn’t mean anything different.”
What I do say this, “give him a chance to dazzle you.”
YBW needs to pull back his wing and let that little Thing 2 test his own wings a bit.
But I don’t mean this in an ‘I’m telling someone how to raise their kid’ way…I mean this in an ‘I love you and want what’s best for you’ way.

And this all brings me back to a different perspective.
Focusing on you. Not the kids, not the house, not your job, etc.
Just you.
Believing that you exist for yourself, doing what you want just because you deserve to be taken care of as well as those you care for.
Honoring yourself…as a person, not just a parent.
If we saw someone treat our children the way we oftentimes treat ourselves…well let me just tell you I’d get my icepick and go on a stabbing spree. What does that say? It says we’re not kind enough to ourselves, we don’t do fun or nice things just for us.
And that is an absolute shame.

YBW is a smart, funny, kind and loving man, I believe he deserves to experience life as a man, not just as a dad. So he can begin to figure out what he wants just for himself, is it something fun? Is it something active involving a kayak? Is it sitting at home in his jammies playing video games? Is it lying on the sofa with his head in my lap watching nerdy television? Doesn’t matter as long as it pleases him…as long as he does it for the sheer joy of doing it…his own personal joy

I say this to him…I say this to all of us:
What happened to that sense of adventure?
Find it! Find it NOW!
Dust it off and try it on for size…does it fit? If it’s a little tight, tug on it and it’ll fit…if it’s loose here or there, tuck it in and go! The more you wear it, the better it will begin to fit.
Honor yourself! Take yourself on an adventure! Do it with love and kindness and for the love of all things holy, make sure you do it with a sense of humor!
I’m ready for my next adventure.
Are you?

Categories: love, me, on being a mom, peace and wellbeing | Tags: love, parenting | 4 Comments

sussing it out

Posted on March 20, 2013 by robynbird

So without going into great detail…due to some landlord changes I am going to be homeless sometime between now and the summer.
Isn’t that just peachy? What I love most is the absolute lack of time schedule.
And because I’ll be homeless, Thing 2 will be living with her father.
This pleases me not.
He has swayed her with promises of a brand new suspended bed, a fenced yard for her dogs, not to mention the general fact she’ll have a roof over her head. She is excited for her new living arrangements, as she should and deserves to be.
I on the other hand, want to make swift use of my icepick.

After many tears and panicked phone calls to YBW, and my friend and mentor, not to mention conversations every single day for the last ten days with the doctor I work for…I have decided…to stop and breathe.
Yes breathing is good.
My doctor says, “you’ll come stay with me for a little while.”
My friend and mentor asks, “what do you want?”
YBW (indicating himself) says, “your home is right here.”
I am surrounded by kindness. Why does that surprise me so? Oh yeah, because I’ve not experienced kindness for a while.

Financially, I’m…well…little more than a pauper. I work two part-time jobs and I’m a full-time student. Honestly that’s all I can say.
So, not having a place to live and not exactly having the means to find another place leaves me…out.

The former husband (my best friend for the last 25 years, even after we weren’t together anymore) has shown his true colors and I honestly cannot believe I was stupid enough to let him mistreat me for so long. The level of pain his behavior has caused throughout this situation has truly shocked me, and I no longer see the man I loved, but the manipulative, passive-aggressive monster I was told he was all along.
I can only hope that Thing 2 has seen his behavior with clear eyes…at the same time my heart breaks for her, I hate that she’s seen her beloved daddy in this way.
I can no longer be a buffer between him and my child (Thing 1 is a dyed in the wool daddy’s girl which is perfectly acceptable) but Thing 2 has always had the protection of me between herself and her father. I hate that she’ll be exposed to him without that mommy buffer, but I can’t do anything about that.

I can feel my friend and mentor encouraging me to focus on me and not them. Yes ma’am.
So what do I want?
Beats the hell out of me.
Well I better suss it out quickly.
All I can do is nod.

As I drove Thing 2 to school one morning this week, she took my hand and said to me, “Mommy you should go live with YBW where you’ll feel safe and loved. I can come visit you, and YBW loves me too so we’ll be safe and loved while we’re together.”
My friend and mentor says, “you did that, she didn’t grow up in a vacuum.”

I think, yes please. Which is immediately followed by, but it’s so far away from you.
So I said to my darling Thing 2, “it’s so far away. And what about the everyday stuff?”
“We can call and text and email and face time and skype and I can come see you.”
I paused, my friend and mentor and I had a long conversation about how it might work, then I said, “if that is how it goes we have to make a commitment to each other…”
“I am committed to you Mommy!”
I hadn’t even finished my sentence and she’s committed to me…is this a girl I can live without?

YBW and I discussed the practical stuff, where would my things go? How would we do financial stuff? When would I arrive? Would I cook for him and do the laundry? (my absolute favorite household chores I do when I’m there anyway) Then he said to me that his own Thing 2 (he has two Things just like me, but his Things are boys) would be the happiest boy ever if I came to live with him. (YBW’s Thing 2 and I have our own special love)

So in the last ten days, this has been my life. Hateful little fish swimming round my brain. The bastards.
Needless to say, nothing has been decided.
Thing 2 and I must discuss how we move forward before I can even begin to make a decision. Can we do it well? I trust us. I believe Thing 2 trusts us. We can do it.
I need to really heed my friend and mentor’s advice, and ask myself what I want…and be able to answer it with brutal clarity.

I have wondered for a little while if something ungoverned by me would force this decision sooner than expected…I’m thinking of the Fates, the three sisters who pull the strings…and how much I want to stab those bitches with my icepick.
I am reminded of Scarlett O’Hara who said, “…they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over…”
I wish I could talk to my mom.

I can do this. I can make sure Thing 2’s needs are met and I can focus on making sure mine are too. I am brave and I am strong and I am loved by wonderful people who are working hard to support me through this insanity.
I am going to be safe and loved no matter where I lay my head.
If I say these enough I’ll begin to believe them.