Posts Tagged With: feelings follow actions

perk me up playlist

I couldn’t sleep for a few hours in the middle of the night Thursday. I was kind of cold, and not exactly awake enough to get out of bed. But not really able to sleep either.
I thought about the positives and negatives about my day. I considered ways I could trick myself out of this emotional state so that the old adage ‘feelings follow actions’ might just come true. I thought a load of other things too, but kept coming back to this one.
How can I jump start myself into a healthier emotional place?
And a song came into my head.
Or rather the way it feels to play the song in the car with the windows down singing my heart out.
I caught myself smiling.

I decided then and there to create a playlist filled with songs that perk me up the moment I hear the first chords. Obviously I did this in my head because I just told you I didn’t get up.
I did eventually fall back asleep, but when I woke, I remembered most of the songs I’d considered in the middle of the night. So I did the only thing I could possibly do.
I made a list. In my brand new List Whore notebook.
A quick list of songs that perk me up the moment they begin to play.
Please listen responsibly.

Zero to Hero

Balance Beam
Blue October

Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
Crosby, Stills & Nash

Platinum Blonde Life
No Doubt

Justin Timberlake

Dancing Queen
Mamma Mia! (the movie)

Saw Doctors

California Gurls
Katy Perry

A Punk
Vampire Weekend

Wild Wild Life
Talking Heads

Who Do You Think You Are
Spice Girls

You Can’t Stop the Beat
Hairspray (the movie)

They’re not in any real order. Which is OK, because this isn’t a play list you can listen to in order. You gotta hit shuffle and turn it up! They probably don’t make much sense to the average listener, but that’s OK too. These are my perk up songs so they make sense to me.
Now I’m curious, what do y’all listen to to perk yourselves up?

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Wait a minute! I’m a grown up?

I believe I’ve remarked before about how I sometimes don’t feel like a real adult…it could be that I haven’t written about it, but I know I’ve talked about it in day to day life.
Sure, I did do grown up things. Sure I had adult responsibilities, but I never really felt like a grown up. Not exactly “fake it till you make it”, more like “feelings follow actions”. So I acted like a grown up to the best of my ability.

The first time I officially felt like an adult was when Thing 2 was moved to the NICU. Sure I was already a mom, but I was a young mom and I was still growing up while I was being Thing 1’s mom.
The second time I felt like a proper adult was when I took my suicidal first born to the hospital. Leaving her there in on the adolescent mental health floor of the hospital was the hardest thing I’d ever done.

So far, both times I’ve considered myself a real adult involved leaving my babies in a hospital and going home without them.
Other things happen in life that make you feel like a real adult. Finding your first “real” full time job. Divorce comes to mind.
When my mother died, I didn’t have that feeling of being an adult. I think it was because I was experiencing shock and disbelief. I’ve since wondered if it’s because I was never treated like a grown up in my relationship with her.
The day my father died, I never felt more like a child but I’d never behaved more like an adult. Isn’t it curious how that works?

You know you’re an adult when people you know, respect, and love need important things from you. Help with children, support after a death in the family. A strong sounding board for the tough questions.
I was an adult when I stood in church surrounded by all the people I love most and pledged my life to YBW.
I was a grown up for my friend and mentor when her beloved died. And that realization just hit me.
Today, I did a real adult kind of thing when I had to write a recommendation letter for my friend in Arizona’s application to graduate school.

So it’s occurring to me the more I write this post that I really must be an adult.
It feels normal and natural, like the most comfortable article of clothing I own.
But I don’t always want to wear that, you know? Sometimes I want to wear impractical clothing…oftentimes in the form of shoes.
It feels like I’m still figuring out how to be a proper adult. It also feels like I’m still figuring out how to be me as an adult.
But the jokes on me, right?
I’m an adult.
And I don’t suck at it.
I guess I never realized that.
Perhaps I didn’t want to?
I’m not sure how I feel about this. And I guess that’s OK too. I can wear my grown up clothes, but put on my impractical non-adult shoes every now and then when I need to.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m going to need for you to get it together!

The month of May was absolute crap. My favorite of all the months…my birthday birthday month…absolute crap. Not that I want a “do-over” or anything…more along the lines of telling May 2014 to F.R.O.

That said, there was a good part of May…Things 1 and 2 were with me at the same time for the first time in well over a year. I was so glad to have them with me. Thing 2 for such a long time and Thing 1 when we needed to be with the other most.

Now my two Things have gone on…Thing 1 back on the road with N a week ago Wednesday. Thing 2 left on Friday home to her dad’s to celebrate all the summer birthdays of her friends.
Thing C and Thing G left Friday for their week at home with mom and it’s just YBW and me.

Know what we did?
No! Naughties!

We slept. We slept a LOT! I knew how exhausted I was, but the amount of time I spent sleeping this weekend really put it into perspective.

I could not have survived the last month without the love and support of my family and friends, especially Sundance and YBW.
Sundance supplied the xanax and sass I desperately needed. My love for her knows no bounds and my life would be less if she were not a part of it.
I think YBW was just as exhausted as I was, but never wavered, he was so strong for me. Bless him, that precious man I love.

It’s June now. Time to get it together. I’m chock full of things to accomplish this month, for “the estate”, for my classroom school, for my own school, for my family, and for me.
I am filled with willingness…desire, not so much. But I learned a long time ago, “feelings follow actions” so I’m going to act as though I’m getting it together and soon after I’ll feel like I actually am.
As I say to my little students, “I’m going to need for you to get it together.”
Getting it together is going to feel good.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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