First week at my new preschool and instead of feeling overjoyed, I just want to cry.
This process of adjusting is never easy for me but I am especially struggling with adjusting to this new school. Part of the problem is the school isn’t exactly what it claims to be…Reggio inspired emergent curriculum, conscious discipline…it means well, but it surely isn’t meeting my expectations based on what I was sold.
I’m being assured by the director and compliance manager I’m exactly what they want and need…I’ll bring to the table everything that is lacking as well as my passion and energy for young children. Only I don’t want to reinvent the wheel…I want to teach two year olds, not train staff!
If only my friend and mentor could come spend time here…these people could seriously use her expertise.
I’m struggling with how to process these conflicting feelings…how to find balance between my desire to teach young children and my serious concerns about this new school.
Am I overreacting? (I’m not above admitting it’s quite possible.)
I know I’m having trouble getting my groove on.
I’m not sure how to talk to YBW about this, not that he wouldn’t be a good listener because he would, but I’m afraid I’d feel the need to over-explain everything so he could sort of…I don’t know…catch up?
Maybe I don’t want him to know how unhappy I am. I’m not exactly sure he would understand that it isn’t a reflection of him.
Perhaps I don’t want to consider how unhappy I actually am.
It isn’t the move or being away from Thing 2…though both of these impact me every single day.
Being here has made me feel as though I belong for the first time since I had to leave my first SC home. I am safe and I am loved.
Thing 2 and I are good too. We talk often and text and she’ll be back in two weeks!
I really am so very unhappy about this job.
Whoa! That was VERY important! The fact I used the word ‘job’ and not ‘school’ is seriously telling. I’ve never thought of teaching two year olds as work…I went to school every day…this is me thinking of it as a job. Must pay attention.
I know I need to allow myself more time to adjust.
I’m not ready to throw up my arms and “rage quit”. (Thing 2ism)
My desire to see what can be is very big…my stubbornness is ready to fight for what I hope this can end up being.
But honestly, I just want to lie in my cocoon and cry, because something inside of me knows this isn’t right. And quite possibly won’t ever be.
Gotta breathe.
And just keep breathing.
therobynbirdsnest 