my truth is self evident

I spent time with both my girls over the past ten days.
I went to Thing 1’s to help pack, and play with Baby K. She calls me “Baduh”and is an excellent snuggler. She loves books and blocks and wandering around her house ‘talking’ just to hear the sound of her own voice.
Thing 1 and I packed so much! There is precious little for her to pack and she has the next six weeks to do it. Mostly kitchen things they need to use every day between now and then and clothes. I brought with me most of Baby K’s toys and books, all Thing 1 and Husband N’s winter clothes and some other things they could part with in the meantime.

On the way back to VA, I stopped to see Thing 2.
We had a mini-girlie hotel weekend in which we snuggled and watched movies, ate a boat load of queso at our favorite Mexican place, and I met the young man she’s started seeing over Sunday morning brunch.
We were worried it wouldn’t feel like we had enough time, but it was perfect!
Returning to this house, I’m sad and disappointed to be apart from them.

I’m frustrated and disappointed to be here.
I don’t actually realize how miserable I am living here with my husband and his son until I’m away and return.
Turning onto our street made me anxious and angry.
I keep trying to figure out how it works when you love someone so much yet are so damn miserable at the same time.

When I’m away from this house I’m content. When I’m out and about with my husband I’m content.
The energy that surrounds my husband’s son is stagnant and putrid and poisons this entire household.
I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t have a say.
I’ve worked so desperately to accept this situation that I can’t change. And I can, for a while…
I can complain until I’m blue in the face and nothing changes. I’m so fucking tired of being trapped in a situation I didn’t create. I’m so fucking tired of being in a situation in which I’m powerless.
My life is being decided by a twenty year old man-child who refuses to make any personal decisions.
My husband expects his son to make life decisions, but the kid simply doesn’t have the skills to do that.
So we wait.
And we wait.

I feel like Sirius Black.

How much longer do I wait?
Well, now I have to at least wait until Husband N has a job and he and Thing 1 can buy a house.

I feel like I was promised one thing and received another.
I feel deceived.
I feel disappointed and let down.
What’s so awful about these feelings is that the actions didn’t come purposefully and with malice. The actions are a by-product of the way my husband and his family have functioned these past twenty years.
I believe he has every intention of fulfilling his promises he made when we began our relationship. But he won’t do them until he finishes fulfilling his promise to ‘take care‘ of his son.
The truth of the matter is he’ll never finish fulfilling the promise to take care of his son because his son never learned how to take care of himself. So he remains obligated to take care of him.
These promises don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Yet here we are.

I’m finished being miserable.
I’m finished accommodating my husband’s son.
I’m finished accommodating my husband’s decisions.
Instead of being trapped waiting for other people to make changes, I can make changes that benefit me without negatively impacting others.
I’m finished playing by rules I didn’t have a voice in writing.
I’m finished participating in a life I didn’t actually agree to.

My husband reads my blog.
This will be so hurtful to him.
That’s not my intention. I’m just too tired to play the game anymore.
I don’t believe either of us truly understands how much we love each other because there’s always some sort of drama clouding everything up.

This whole post may seem petulant.
May seem like I’m being petty and uncaring.
May even seem like I’m the queen of the haters.
I don’t hate. I simply can no longer live the way my husband chooses to live.

This is actually a declaration.
My truths are self evident.

I need to help myself, because I can’t help my husband or his son. They can choose to swim around in their dysfunction. I’m getting out of the pool. I can’t tread that water anymore.

Categories: me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “my truth is self evident

  1. 💗sending huge hugs. If you need to vent send me a text. I get it all

  2. My like is one of understanding and empathy. Things aren’t normal and it’s tough. I feel you…

  3. I can relate to this, except it’s my own son. He has schizophrenia, he literally can’t take care of himself, and it is the fucking worst. (Not to say my problem is worse than yours, just empathizing.)

    • Oh Crystal! Your family is in a serious situation.
      In the spirit of not quantifying problems, my heart go out to you especially because your son has no real choice in how he lives his life. My husband’s son was conditioned to behave this way. Essentially crippled by the way his parents treated him his entire life.
      Parenting is tricky at the best of times and downright difficult at the worst. I can see where I failed my girls. I can see where I did right by them. I want to treat this young man the same way, only he’s being ‘protected’ by his father who stands between him and me. Who stands between him and the world really. And that will never inspire courage, or action, which will continue to thwart growth.
      In reading your words, I suspect your son had a different upbringing. From one mom to another, I share your pain to see your child suffer in this life. ❤

      • Thank you, Robyn! Usually I’m at a place where I’ve come to terms with it, but being at home so much takes its toll. And like you, when I leave home, I’m not excited about coming back. And I relate to posting knowing that my husband will read (vs. the tough conversations).

        I’m not a step-parent, so I can only imagine the extent of that difficulty. All I know is that I would hate for anyone to have to step-parent my own son. Thanks for sharing and caring. I realize we’re often at the mercy of things we can’t control, but we don’t have to lose ourselves. ❤️

      • What you said about things we can’t control and losing ourselves is key!
        I can no longer accept that my life is dictated by others. And instead of fretting and acting like a bitch, I’m going to simply do me. I can control me, where I go, what I do, how I do it. I’m choosing to ignore (without completely disengaging) the situation. I’m focusing on me as much as possible. I’m focusing on getting ready for my daughter and her family to be here.
        The kid will do as the kid do, as will his father, I simply can’t pay attention to it any longer.
        If I didn’t love my husband it would be as simple as walking away. But, as much as I will not say, ‘choose me or choose your child’ neither will I be pushed out.
        Loving is easy. Living in chaos is not.
        I think you’re right when you talk about coming to terms and taking its toll. That’s the bit that I have the most trouble with! I can be grounded and mindful and accepting for a great deal of time until it come bubbling out in anger and resentment. If I could have one or the other at low levels all the time, that’s simpler. I have the most trouble when that resentment turns into white hot anger and my feelings are completely disregarded.
        Thank you for your honest and compassionate words. My heart is with yours! ❤

      • Sending warm vibes, love, and peace to you! I’m reading this book that I hope to finish today, Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore. It’s magical realism with all kinds of crazy things happening, but it is filled with jewels of wisdom…such as, if you can conquer that anger and resentment, you’ll be one of the strongest people in the world. We all have that inside. I might have to write a book review. ❤️✨☮️

      • Oh! I’ll check it out! Sending love your way ❤

  4. Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got. ~ Janis Joplin

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