a week in the life…may I please have a “do-over”?

So preschool still seems to fit me ill…

This frustrates me to no end! I am struggling to bring structure into the classroom, I’m struggling with two year olds who just haven’t experienced the type of routine and expectations I’m bringing with me.
I met with the director again today to voice my concerns…she pointed out the drastic changes in that room since my arrival…she is willing to provide everything on my “wish list”…she needs me and continues to champion what I bring not only to the classroom, but the twos program at large.
And while this is nice…I honestly know what I’m bringing and I can tell you I bring it like a boss! I learned from some pretty amazing teachers. (I’m not bragging, I’m being honest.)

YBW suggested after an almost 10 year break in teaching two year olds, perhaps that ship has sailed…that maybe, just maybe that’s not where I “am” anymore. That even though my heart loves that age, I may be in a different place and it just might not fit me anymore.
I’ve been considering this…my degree is secondary education…this means middle and high school…perhaps it’s time to embrace the teenagers of the world and leave the two year olds to those more currently equipped?
Perhaps I need to give it a little more time. I can feel it easing up…I’m just not on target…of course school only started three weeks ago. I need to cut myself some slack. They’re going to get it as I teach and model it…I need to remember to be kind to myself.
Preschool will be fun once we get our groove on.

And then:

Thing 2 dropped the biggest baddest bomb on me Thursday. “I’m just so done, Mom!”
This means she has decided to no longer consider me as her mother…she isn’t coming to her home here…she doesn’t want me to contact her…she doesn’t want me to “try and take care of” her.

Tears.
Confusion.
Pain.
Anguish.
Tears.
Anger.
Heartbreak.

She says it’s because she “has spent (her) whole life taking care of (me). That (she) has been responsible for (my) happiness and has never been able to do anything, (she) always had to be too perfect and a good kid to please (me). Because (I) told her she was my favorite person in the world, that put too much pressure on (her) and (she) has decided (she’s) unwilling to do it any more.”

WTF?
So much for 16 years of positive relationship…so much for making sure I’ve spent my entire adult life working to do what was best for her (and her sister) .
I am hurt and confused and want to understand how this came about.

My “sister” Sundance told me her Girlie Thing said, “Is Thing 2 mad Aunt Roby moved to YBW’s house? I think I would be if you did that.”
Sundance asked, “Enough to make you not want me to be your mommy?”
Girlie Thing said, “I that what Thing 2 said? No Mommy, that’s not Thing 2, someone else said that first.”

My friend and mentor said, “For the first time in my life, I am literally speechless.” (If y’all knew her you’d understand the seriousness of that statement.) She agrees with my niece, that Thing 2 is “seeing through someone else’s lenses”.

YBW cried with me and said, “I’m not as sad as you are, but I am so very sad.”
He holds my hand quite a little bit more lately because the sadness comes and goes suddenly and without warning. Today he was snuggling with his own Thing 2 and I had to leave the room because I couldn’t watch it…I was already feeling so sad.

The theory is she’ll sort her shit (pardon my French) and come back to me.
My thinking brain understands and mostly agrees, my feeling brain (heart?) can’t seem to go there.

My friend and mentor says, “You raised her well, she’s going to figure out how to see through her own lenses again and she will come back to you. And there you will be with open arms.”

Yes, my arms will be open…will my broken heart ever be able to trust my baby again?
If wishing makes it so…

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Categories: education, loss, love, on being a mom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “a week in the life…may I please have a “do-over”?

  1. Oh I’m praying for you in this time! I can’t imagine what you are going through.. My heart is breaking for you.

    • Thank you, dear girl, from the bottom of my heart. I am worried she’s sad or angry but displacing it…or she’s just decided this is her story and I’m the devil. I have strong faith that love will conquer all, I just have to feel sad for a while first. I honestly appreciate you thinking about me right now.

  2. Keep your heart open and give her enough space to find her way and enough incentive to find her way back. She will come around!!

  3. You must be going through so much pain right now. I do hope that she will come back to you soon.

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